


As Long as You're Mine

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Marauders' Era, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-21
Updated: 2009-07-01
Packaged: 2019-01-19 22:46:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 103,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12419862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Lily Evans and James Potter attend Hogwarts for their Seventh and final year. Lily's world is being turned upside down, Voldemort is taking over, and Hogwarts isn't always as safe as one thinks...COMPLETE!





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**As Long as You’re Mine**

**Chapter 1**

_Together_  
It doesn't feel right at all  
Together  
Together we've built a wall  
Together holding hands we'll fall  
Hands we'll fall 

Avril Lavigne, Together

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_Why won’t he just leave me alone?_

“Lily! Oh, Lilykins!” A sixteen year old boy was calling to me in mock desperation. “You don’t know how much I love you!”

“Shove it, Potter,” I told him angrily. Couldn’t a girl get some time alone?

Apparently not.

“Evans, you know you love me deeply and truly!” He shouted, clutching his chest with clasped hands. “You’re ripping my heart out with these furious rejections! I’ve asked you for nearly two years, what will it take for you to say yes?”

“Maybe if you leave me alone, I’ll feel lost without your constant nagging!” I told him sardonically. 

“Oh, Evans,” Potter told me, shaking his head at me like I was some ignorant child. “You’ll miss me alright.”

“When Flobberworms fly.”

Well, that’s how it began. It’s quite difficult to wrap your mind around, I know, but it all started with those words… _If you leave me alone…I’ll feel lost…_

Potter had been predictable from the moment he started asking me out—Fifth Year. I could always depend on him to find me and _beg_ me to date him, to give him a chance. He was like a statue in my life, always there, and unmoving in his affections for me. I could always count on him to ask me out, look depressed when I turned him down, and then go up to the first bimbo he saw and request that her tongue become fixed in his mouth for the next four days. It was the cycle of my life. 

Why did he have to go and ruin that cycle? I’d noticed some changes in him recently, but I didn’t make anything of it. He was always putting on _some_ show for me, but in Sixth Year, the outrageous displays of fondness for me died down…slightly. It was like he couldn’t stop proclaiming his unrequited love for me, but at the same time…he wanted to. 

Of course, by Sixth Year he had grown into his long, gangly limbs. He had perfect muscles from Quidditch, raven black hair, and hazel eyes that made all the girls at Hogwarts melt—except me. Everyone thought he was a god, the way he strutted about the castle. _He_ thought he was a god. Most girls seemed to think his looks were rivaled only by Sirius Black, who was actually his best friend and partner in crime. I’ve given them enough detentions to vouch for it. He was so stuck up and arrogant, I could hardly look at him without feeling a rush of pure loathing spring up in my chest. 

Now, I know what you’re thinking. That evil Lily Evans won’t give gorgeous James Potter a chance. You’ll see how wrong you were.

I didn’t expect Potter to take what I said seriously. In fact, it’s extremely tricky to get Potter to be serious about _anything_ , but I guess that did it. He took my words to heart. And, like all the stories say, I didn’t really know how much I liked it until it was gone.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. That evil Lily Evans won’t give gorgeous James Potter a chance. Well, you’re wrong about that. I gave him a chance alright, and I don’t regret it in the least. 

*~~*

“He is _vile_ ,” I told Paige once we had settled in a compartment. “He is purely, chillingly _vile_. Is there a word with a meaning worse than vile?”

“Evil?” Paige answered in a bored voice. She was used to my frequent ranting; her chocolate eyes actually seemed to glaze over in sheer disinterest. 

“I forgot that one.” 

I’d just had a run in with none other than James Potter. I was so close to getting onto the Hogwarts Express without seeing him. _So_ close. But curly red hair is hard to miss, even in a large crowd, and I was reluctantly spotted two inches from the compartment door. Potter had found me, and he sidled up to me like any man approaching a busty woman: eagerly.

“Evans!” He had yelled. I’d tried desperately to scramble into the compartment, but his arm caught me around my waist and he turned me to face him. “I just thought we could have a little talk before--,”

“Before what, Potter?” I snapped, preparing to let a torrent of harsh words leap from my lips. “Before I smack you, _again_.”

“Oh, Evans, you’re so _fiery_.”

True to tradition, I slapped Potter across the face and turned away, allowing my hair to whip him in his already red face. As soon as I had slammed the door shut, I looked out to see Potter grinning widely at me. My red handprint lingered on his face.

That’s how I got into this conversation with Paige. She wasn’t listening to me anymore though, so I decided it was time for me to go and fulfill my duties as Head Girl. Paige didn’t seem to care that I was leaving, and became increasingly interested in her cherry red fingernails when I told her where I was going. 

“Well?” I asked her impatiently. “Aren’t you going to say ‘Oh Lily, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you talk to me about your intense boy issues!’”

“Oh Lily, I’m sorry the most gorgeous boy in the school has pestered you with all those nasty requests to date you, and that I have to listen to you complain about them without fail!” Paige seemed to think for a few minutes, and then added “Oh, and I’m sorry that you have to be Head Girl this year.”

“Excuse me?” I nearly shouted. Paige once again became overly concerned with her nails. “Paige Green, what do you know that you’re not telling me?”

Paige simply shrugged her shoulders. “You’ll find out soon enough.”

_Damn_.

“Paige, I’m warning you…”

“Lily, you’re two minutes late to that Prefect Meeting, so I suggest you stop asking pointless questions, and get that bodacious bottom to—!”

I sprinted out the door. _Two minutes late?_ I thought angrily. _Well, this is a fabulous start to the year, just bloody brilliant! Things really couldn’t be any more terrific. And my bottom is not bodacious!_

But when I finally got to the Prefect Compartment most people went straight to--somewhere I’d gone every year since Fifth Year, if you don’t count this one—the only person there was my worst enemy. He sat there like he owned the stupid place. His arms were spread over the seats like he was holding a girl—and he usually was. He had his robes on already and his legs crossed nonchalantly. It sickened me.

“Nice of you to join me, Evans.”

“What are you doing here, Potter?” I asked him sharply. I was not in the mood to deal with Potter just yet. I still hadn’t recovered from the last encounter. “Don’t you know that this compartment is for _responsible_ people?”

He looked taken aback. “You don’t know, Lily? I’d have thought it would be all around the train by now.”

I glared. If he was trying to push my buttons, I was in no temper for it. “If you’re going to be unhelpful, get out. Where’s the Head Boy?”

“You’re looking at him.” 

I swear to Merlin, my jaw dropped right to the ground. It must’ve smacked the ground, it went so far. “Who the hell would make _you_ the Head Boy?” I asked when I had regained speech. 

“I’m going to take a shot in the dark and say Dumbledore did, Lily,” Potter joked. “But there’s still the huge possibility it was the president over in America.”

Was he mocking me? I couldn’t tell. He seemed so much more relaxed than he usually was, and he was actually being very funny. I deduced that he was just joking around, and I risked a small smile to show him I hadn’t taken offence. He smiled back. _He has a nice smile,_ I started thinking, and mentally kicked myself for even considering that any part of James Potter was _nice_.

“It’s nice to see you smile,” he told me, which made my lips want to smile even more, the traitorous little beasts. What on earth was wrong with me? Why was I feeling the distant need to smile girlishly? I refused to become the stupid girl everyone else was around him, it was a resolve. Potter was my enemy, and the one person in the world I hated beyond reason. _Nothing_ could change that.

“It’s nice to see that you’re acting your age…for once.” James smiled again, and I felt a small flutter in my stomach. I suppressed it with a reminder that Potter was a prat.

“Well, I’ve done some growing up over the summer, and I realized that pursuing you none stop wouldn’t make you change your mind.” My heart stopped in my chest. Was this actually James Potter talking to me, King of the Arses? He actually _did_ seem a little more grown up…wait a second…

“If you’re so grown up, then why did you call me ‘fiery’ about ten minutes ago?” I asked him sharply. 

“It kind of slipped out,” he confessed, turning slightly red. “I was going to tell you how sorry I was that I embarrassed you all those times, but you cut me off, and your eyes sparkled and…” he stopped and turned even redder. He wasn’t going to tell me how ‘beautiful’ I’d looked. Maybe he _had_ done some growing over the summer—and not just internally… he looked about six foot five. 

But how was one loathsome, haughty, self-centered, egotistical, big-headed pig going to change in the course of two months. I didn’t believe him. Potter was lying right to my face, and that just made me hate him even more. Nobody could tell a downright lie to Lily Evans and get away with it. It was a sticky situation; the one Paige had gotten me into. Where were these Prefects anyway, hanging out in their carriages? I wanted to believe that Potter had changed, I really did. But my pride and anger from previous years got the better of me...

“Potter, I’d just like to clear the air here, and tell you that no matter how much you grow up, you’re still a bullying toerag,” I told him, and I felt better after. I wasn’t starting to _like_ him, no way! The feeling in my stomach was definitely from those chili fries I’d eaten before getting on the train!

A dark shadow crossed his features, but it was gone in a flash. Potter shrugged indifferently. “I just thought that since we were going to be working together this year we should try to get along.” He sounded so innocent, but I _knew_ there was another reason behind it. He was trying to make us friends, and then I’d see what a great guy he was, and then he’d ask me out and I’d accept. But then, after he’d told all of Hogwarts he had finally snagged Lily Evans he would dump me or cheat on me. It was the way the jerk operated, like clockwork. 

“Potter, I ask that you not speak to me outside of Prefect Meetings and Head Meetings. I don’t care if you’re _dying_ , I don’t want to hear a _word_ from your lips!”

“Lily, you know I won’t be able to do that.” He looked so serious. It was slightly unsettling. But then this flame erupted in my chest, and I felt a rush of detestation towards Potter. It took over my entire body, engulfing the doubt I’d had about his character. Potter sickened me, and wouldn’t be able to brainwash me otherwise!

“Stop calling me Lily! We are _not_ friends and we never will be. Merlin, I can’t believe you thought I’d fall for this bull! Do you think I’m an idiot? That I wouldn’t be able to figure out that you were _lying_ to me?”

“Lily—Evans, that’s not what I was trying to do!”

“I don’t care what you were trying to do! I _hate_ you! I can barely stand _looking_ at you! I want you to stay out of my life, from now on! We will only meet or _breathe_ when we are _forced_ to!” I took a shuddering breath and looked out the compartment window. A swarm of boys and girls were gathered around it and my face went red. I mumbled, “The Prefects are here.”

Potter and I started the meeting, but he wasn’t that into it. He spoke at a monotone, and said nothing unless I asked him to. It was like I was around a wax figure of him with a voice recorder speaking. If he was going to throw a hissy fit, I sure as hell wouldn’t be around to see it. As soon as the meeting ended, I was out the door.

“ _Paige_?” I screamed as soon as the door shut. 

“Right here Lilykins, where you left me.” Paige was pretending she didn’t know why I was screaming. But what she didn’t know what that she was _dead_. “ _So_ , how was the meeting of the ickle genius’s?”

“You…are…DEAD!” I yelled at her between panting breaths. It was a feeble attempt to control my wild temper. 

“Now Lily, think of all that we’ve been through before you curse me to Alaska.” Paige didn’t seem all that worried. In fact, she was grinning like a mad fool. She never took my death threats seriously. “Anyway, I thought it would be interesting to see your reaction to the news.”

“You _knew_ ,” I whispered dangerously. “You knew the entire time and you didn’t _tell me_?”

Paige’s grin faded a bit. I could see that _she_ could see that I was actually very angry with her, and she knew she was now skating on thin ice. And she’s not much of a skater…

“I wanted to record your reaction for a little project I’m doing.” 

“ _Excuse me?_ ”

“Mum wants me to go to a Muggle college once I’m done with Hogwarts. You know how she’s basically against wizards! So I took a class in psychology this summer, and it was really fascinating! I learned about why induces certain emotions, what might spark a memory, traumas, everything! I thought it would be cool to have a back-up job in the Muggle world, just in case things don’t work out at the Ministry, or I have to go into hiding.”

Paige was a Muggleborn, like me. Her mother didn’t like having a witch in the family, but she seemed to know what would happen if Paige wasn’t trained. Her father had left when Paige was a month old, so he didn’t have a say in her education. In fact, they hadn’t heard from him for sixteen years. Paige knew there was a good chance that once she left the protection of Hogwarts, Death Eaters—Voldemort’s servants—would find her. I knew it too, but we’d decided that if we were part of the Ministry, we’d be safe. Voldemort wouldn’t even attempt to take over the Ministry. 

“You won’t have to go into hiding,” I told her sternly, keeping back tears. “None of us will.”

I was talking about Celina, Angela, and Tiffany. Paige, Angela, and I were Muggleborns. Celina and Tiff were Half-bloods. Well, we actually weren’t too sure about Paige; her father could’ve been a wizard. I didn’t think we’d ever know. Celina, Tiff, and Angela were currently sitting in the Marauder’s compartment, though I wasn’t sure why. 

She couldn’t tell how upset I was. She never could, and right now, she was too busy writing things on a little brown clipboard. I asked her what she was doing, and apparently, that clipboard is where she keeps track of her ‘observations’. In other words, she was now writing my reaction to Potter as Head Boy as if she were writing a book. 

“ _Lily…did…not…react well…to…James Potter…_ ” I could hear her mumbling my ‘reaction’ as she wrote. Thank Merlin Celina, Tiff, and Angela entered the compartment. We all shrieked and laughed as we hugged, and even Paige put down that ridiculous clipboard to hug our friends. When we were done embracing each other, I looked at all four of my companions. They were so different.

Celina Smith had silvery blonde hair with bright, shining blue eyes. She had a perfect figure; thin and busty, but not so much that men groped her on the streets. They just stood back and admired her. We had this suspicion about her, though we’d never tell her. We thought that Celina was a Veela. We’d never seen her mother, so we couldn’t prove it, but we were pretty sure that from the way every man on the planet threw himself at her.

Tiffany Young was Japanese, though you couldn’t tell by her name. Her parents were desperate to fit in with England, so they changed their names and named all of their children like English children. But Tiff had gorgeous, silky black hair and almond shaped eyes like flint. She was so kind to all of us; I couldn’t imagine life without her. She was almost like the mother hen of our small group. Nurturing and caring, but when something happened to one of her chicks, watch out! She’d be on that person like Sirius Black on a prostitute! 

Angela Papall was fifty percent Italian and fifty percent English. She had stormy gray eyes and light blonde hair. It flowed to her back, and she had a way with boys. It was like she could _bend_ them to her will. Not that she took advantage of it. No, she just flirted uninterestedly, waiting for another boy to come and promise her the world. It had happened before!

Paige Green had a delicate beauty about her. She had these brown curls that framed her face perfectly, and her celery green eyes were just enchanting. Like the rest of my friends, _everyone_ wanted to date her. She was, of course, oblivious to it all. That was a trait about her that infuriated me. She was so laid back, so cool about everything! I wished I could be like that. 

I was the weirdo of the group. I had unruly curly auburn hair that fell down my back, and these weird, emerald eyes. Nobody in my family had them, as far as I knew. Mum had said I was ‘special’. Petunia said I was a freak. Dad—well, Dad didn’t say anything. My butt was too big, and my breasts were too small, and I had this birthmark on my stomach above my belly button shaped like a strawberry. It was strange, but true. I had a ferocious temper, but an all together kind nature. I think I was bipolar. 

I was different from all of my friends, in a way many people didn’t know about. I feared Voldemort, the Muggle killer, the worst person to probably walk this earth. I feared he would attack my family when I wasn’t there to protect them. I feared he would take them from me, as he’d taken so many other families. I feared he’d always be there, watching my every move, waiting for my to let my guard down so he could swoop upon me like a hawk on its prey. I feared death more than anything.

And it scared me. 


	2. Chapter Two

**As Long as You’re Mine**

**Chapter 2**

_I hear a voice that's in my head_  
Don’t let me down 'cause I can't hold the future in my head  
So many things i should've said that let me down  
And I would be a lucky girl if time stood on its head  
Don't let me down. 

Idina Menzel, Don’t Let Me Down

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“No,” I told Angela firmly. We were halfway to Hogwarts and surrounded by the various types of Wizard candy. “No way!”

“Loosen up, Lily!” Angela poked me playfully. “You _know_ you like him!”

“Angela, I have no clue what mental asylum let you leave, but I will be writing to them in complaint!” 

“Really Lily, you’ve fancied him for ages!” Celina added. “Take the horns by the bull and ask—wait, that’s wrong. Um, take the horns by the cow? Whatever, just let them come into the compartment so I can ogle at Sirius Black. He is _so_ gorgeous!” 

Paige made a puking noise behind her hand, earning a death look from Celina. Once she was finished glaring, she went back to me. “And anyway, I don’t know why you don’t at _least_ enjoy their company. They’re _so_ funny!”

“They make jokes at other people’s expense! I don’t think that is funny at all!” Celina rolled her eyes at me, and I maturely stuck out my tongue. “I don’t think you have a soul, Celina.”

“Maybe not,” she smirked. “But at least I have a sense of humor!”

“Shove off,” I growled. Angela and Celina had been on my all summer about my so called ‘crush’. I’d thought I’d heard the end of it when I sent _both_ of them a Howler, but it just made them more persistent. “I don’t see you proclaiming your love for Amos Diggory!”

“I would,” Celina told me with fake indifference. “But he currently has a girlfriend, and I’d hate to ruin that relationship, and I do _not_ love him!”

“Sure.”

At this point, a knock on our compartment brought us from our argument. At first, I was utterly relieved for a reason to stop our current discussion. Then I looked up. 

None other than Sirius Black, James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew stood outside our compartment. My right hand instinctively closed around my wand in my pocket as Tiff got up to admit the beastly boys. 

“Why hello Tiffany, dearest,” drawled Black. “How are you?”

“Fine, thanks,” she replied stiffly. Black smiled a dazzling white smile. Again, I could feel fury building in my veins, and it was all I could do to contain it. “I won’t bother to ask you. I’ll just get some snappy answer!” Black just laughed.

“Hey Evans,” Potter greeted me hesitantly. Bad choice. 

“I’m sorry; did some annoying prat just speak?” I asked Tiff, the only one who agrees with me that the Marauders were the worst thing since Voldemort. “I heard a little mumble.”

“You know, I think I heard something too!” Tiff and I exchanged glances, and then shook our heads.

“Nah.”

Potter looked like a wounded puppy. With his big hazel eyes all widened and his faced turned to the ground. I actually felt a puddle of guilt collecting in the pit of my stomach. He _was_ only saying hello!

“Hey, Potter,” I told him, and the pool started to evaporate. By the look on that boy’s face, you’d think I’d just told him Christmas was coming early! Unfortunately, Tiff looked like Christmas had been cancelled, or another holiday with no presents had replaced it. The initial shock of my salutation wore off eventually though, and Tiff went back to normal. 

Once we were all seated, I did a quick head count. There were nine people in a compartment built for six at the most. No wonder it was so uncomfortable! Celina, Potter, Angela, and Black were all squished onto one seat, and Tiff, Paige, Lupin, Pettigrew, and I had shoved ourselves into another. Sadly, Pettigrew was _not_ a skinny boy and my group of five were smooshed even _more_.

We were all silent for a few moments, until Pettigrew dropped a jellybean and dove underneath Celina to retrieve it. He took a little too long though, and Celina yelled “Peter Pettigrew if you _ever_ look up my skirt again, I will ensure that you won’t be able to see _ever again!”_

Pettigrew yelped and hurried back between me Lupin and me. I was kind of upset that he hadn’t just sandwiched between Tiff and Paige, because I’ll admit Remus Lupin is _very_ good looking. He always looks so tired, but despite that, he is very handsome…for a Marauder. _And_ Pettigrew looked as though he could wet himself out of sheer fear at any moment, and I did not wish to sit next to him if anything happened. 

My regret must have shown on my face, because Angela raised her eyebrows at me. I chose not to respond, but to raise my own eyebrows and indicate to Potter sitting beside her. Angela blushed an impossible shade of red, and quickly looked away from my eyes. She’d had a crush on him for about two years, though she’d never admit to it. Potter had been so obsessed with me; Angela had actually given up hope and loved from afar, like some character in a love story. But now I guess it was obvious that he no longer wanted me to have his children, and she said:

“So James, I heard you were made Captain for the _fourth_ year in a row. Congratulations!”

“Um, thanks,” Potter thanked her, obviously surprised by the sudden change in Angela’s mood. She’d been pretty quiet most of the ride, but now it seemed Angela was all set for a full conversation…revolving around Potter. “I’m pretty happy about it, seeing as it’s the _fourth_ year in a row I’ve beaten Sirius to it--,”

Black snorted into the butterbeer he was drinking—that’s right, the man brought his own butterbeer—and looked up a Potter. “I heard a rumor that Dumbledore was drunk when he chose the captains _and_ the Head Boy.”

“Oh yeah?” Potter started. “Well I--!”

“Oh, shove it,” I told them angrily. Boys fought over the stupidest things! “You’re both being thick!”

“Well at least _I’m_ a better flyer.” Potter was definitely pushing Black to extremes.

“Is that what you think?” Black asked incredulously. “Well, let’s have a bet to see who is _really_ better. Five galleons says I can beat you in a race five times around the pitch.”

“I’ll take it!” Potter accepted. “We’ll go out after dinner is through.”

*~~*

“I won’t go.” 

It was about nine o’clock. The feast had ended, and Angela, Celina, Tiff, and Paige were getting their cloaks on to go out and watch Potter and Black race around the pitch like the dim people they were. There was no way I’d be caught dead out there with them after hours, especially now that I was Head Girl!

“Lily, you have to go!” Angela pleaded. “It’ll be _so_ much fun!”

“I won’t participate in such a childish act!” I told her, yanking on my pajamas. “Can’t _anybody_ see where this is going to lead? We’ll end up getting detention, and _I’ll_ lose my badge, blah blah blah, talk talk talk, and then I’m in jail!”

“I promise you,” Celina told me impatiently. “Sirius and James said they have a way to keep track of all the teachers and make sure _nobody_ is out there when we are! And when would you _ever_ go to jail?”

“I’d go to jail for murdering _you_! What do they have, anyway?” I asked disbelievingly. “A map of everyone at Hogwarts?”

“I don’t know, but they’ve guaranteed me that we won’t get caught!” Celina had a pleading note in her voice, which made me feel badly about refusing. Don’t even ask how, she just had a way of doing that to a person! It was so _annoying!_

“Are you sure--?”

“Yes, yes, I’m sure,” Celina answered, waving a dismissing hand at me. “Now let’s go!”

Last year, I wouldn’t have _dreamed_ of sneaking out of the castle to go watch Potter and Black fly around a Quidditch pitch, but hey! People can change—a little bit!

When we got to the Common Room, the Marauders were already seated on the huge armchairs around a thriving fire. Potter and Black had their broomsticks at their feet. I _hated_ flying.

Lupin pulled out a piece of parchment and tapped it with his wand. I saw ‘The Marauder’s Map’ scratched in black ink across the top of the page before Black noticed me looking and whipped it from Lupin’s hands. He gave it to Potter, and all four lit their wands. My friends and I did the same, and pretty soon we were on our way to the front doors. I was flabbergasted that we hadn’t run into _any_ teachers along the way. I had seen Potter continually checking the map and whispering instructions into Black’s ear. At one point, we saw Severus Snape patrolling in the Transfiguration corridor, and I think Potter let a bit of him show on accident. Snape looked in our direction, but I guess he dismissed it because he headed further down the corridor, towards Professor McGonagall’s office. 

When we finally made it to the Entrance Hall, the Marauders moved away from it and straight up another flight of stairs. By the time the group stopped, I felt as though I’d been walking for _hours!_ We halted at a mirror on the fourth floor and Black moved forward, apparently looking for something. “Aha!” he whispered triumphantly when he finally discovered it, and pulled.

The mirror rotated just enough to fit a thin person through it. Potter motioned to everyone to go through it. Celina went first, then Angela, Paige, Tiff, and finally me. Pettigrew was supposed to go through next, but as he was climbing through, he seemed to get… _stuck._ Paige groaned. 

“Okay, Pete,” I heard Potter murmur. “Sirius and I are going to push you through, are you ready?”

They didn’t wait for Pettigrew to answer, because before he could say anything they’d pushed him through. Then Potter, Black, and Lupin scrambled in after him, and I got a good look at the chamber behind the mirror. 

It was pretty spacious, big enough to hold about thirty people. There were no windows, so I guessed we were still a ways inside the castle, and once Black had closed the mirror it was pitch black. We lit our wands again, having extinguished them while crawling through. 

“Okay guys, walk straight ahead until you feel the wall,” Potter instructed. “Then press on it.”

“Are we looking for a certain brick or something?” Angela asked.

“No, any brick will work.” We did as we were told, and pushed on the first brick we could find. There was a slow groan, and the bricks leapt apart, leaving space for three people to walk shoulder to shoulder through what looked to be a long tunnel. Everybody but the Marauders stopped to stare. “Well go through it!” Black told us, as if we went through extensive dark tunnels every day of our lives. 

“What if there’s a--!”

“Monster?” Potter asked, and I could tell from his voice he was smirking. “There are no monsters in real life.”

“Anything is possible in the Wizarding World!” I heard Tiff mumble angrily. I touched her arm to show I understood. 

We set forth, waiting for the end of the tunnel. Slowly it sank like a ramp, and I guessed we were going downhill. After five minutes in the tunnel, I heard a thud and a groan of pain.

“We’re there,” Pettigrew moaned from the front. “Does anyone happen to have any headache medicine?” 

“Oh yes,” Celina told him sardonically. “I carry it around in my knickers! What did you do anyway?”

“Well, I knocked into the wall.” 

“The wall?”

“The wall,” Pettigrew answered sadly. “My wand light isn’t that bright, and I was going first!”

It was true. I’d noticed earlier that the light on his wand wasn’t nearly as bright as everyone else’s. He’d never been very good at magic, and there had once been a rumor that Pettigrew was a Squib—which I hadn’t believed because I thought rumors were foolish and hurtful.

Now that I shined my own light on him, Pettigrew looked as though he’d taken _quite_ a bash to the head…he had one huge purple bruise smack on his forehead. I noticed that Potter and Black were trying their best to save their remarks until after their race, but Lupin looked genuinely concerned about his friend. 

“As soon as this dumb race is over, we’ll take you to Madam Pompfrey. She’ll put you right.”

“Speaking of the dumb race,” Black said happily. “If you’ll all just step aside, I will open the door that leads _right_ down to the pitch!”

Everyone jumbled aside and I was pushed _right_ against a wall. We all saw Black press on the top brick of the barrier without a problem with the height. There was a loud cracking sound, and the wall did the same as the last, moving the bricks together to form an opening. We extinguished our wands once again, and waited for Celina, Angela, and Tiff to move through. Then Potter, Black, and Pettigrew went, leaving Paige, Lupin, and me to exit. 

As we moved, Lupin’s arm brushed mine. I got a strange tingling sensation and goose bumps erupted all over my arms. I blamed it on the cold. 

Black had been right. The passage led right to the pitch. Apparently we’d been traveling underneath the castle for some time. Potter and Black shouldered their brooms, and Potter handed the map they’d been using to Pettigrew with a whispered order that he focus on _it_ , and not the race. Pettigrew nodded, but I could tell he was extremely disappointed. 

“Alright, just so that we don’t have any bias opinions,” Black told the group. “Angela is going to stand at one end of the pitch. The first flyer to pass her on their fifth time around is the winner.”

“Sounds fair enough,” Potter replied, looking serious—which I’ve already mentioned doesn’t happen often. And seriously, like Angela wasn’t biased. Had nobody else noticed her making puppy dog eyes at Potter every four minutes? Everyone but Potter, Black, and Angela moved up to the stands surrounding the pitch. Potter mounted his Comet 260 as Black got on his Silver Arrow. Both had stony faces, and I thought for a moment someone had died! They _looked_ like someone had died! 

“Ready?” Angela called from the starting/finish line. “Set, Go!”

Both boys took off, speeding to about halfway point before things got dirty. Black put all his weight to one side of the broom, allowing his shoulder to smash against Potter’s ribcage. Potter was thrown off balance for no more than a few seconds before he returned the blow more gracefully, and took the lead, going for the second time around.

At this point, Paige had removed her wand from her pocket and cast a Silencing Charm around the pitch. The she pointed her wand at her throat and said “ _Sonorus_ ”, magically magnifying her voice to commentate on the race.

“Potter pulls ahead with a five foot lead,” Paige said, her eyes squinting to see every detail. “Oh, but here’s a dirty trick; as Black pulls up closer to Potter, Black punches Potter in the face during the third section of the race.”

It was all true. I watched in horror as that stupid, big-headed prat I hated fell off his broom and onto the ground six feet below. My heart stopped. No matter how much I loathed Potter, I _never_ wanted him hurt. Everyone in the stands jumped up and ran to the pitch. We were all worrying and fretting over Potter, including Black. 

“James!” Black exclaimed to moment he got to his best friend. Potter was groaning on the ground, and Lupin pulled him to an upright position. “James, are you okay?” 

Potter turned to face Black, drew back his fist, and punched him dead on. Black yelled and clutched his bleeding nose, while Potter nodded in satisfaction. “Serves you right for cheating like that. Alright Remus, take me to Poppy before I puke on Lily—uh, Evans.”

Even with several possibly broken bones, he remembered I had asked him to call me ‘Evans’. Now I felt horrible, and guilt was pouring into me like Niagara Falls. Black was still howling in pain—I guess Potter had hit him pretty hard. Pettigrew, however, looked like the picture of a guilty man.

“What’s wrong, Pete?” Celina asked. 

“Um, don’t be a-angry, but in all the hubbub, I kinda f-f-forgot to pay attention to the M-Map.” Lupin’s eyes widened in shock, and Potter and Black exchanged worried looks.

“So what, it’s a map! I don’t understand why that even matters--,” Potter interrupted Tiff though.

“Everyone needs to get back to the passageway _right now_ ,” he commanded, looking at ‘the Map’. “McGonagall’s on her way!”

Celina, Angela, Paige, Tiff, and I sprinted back to the wall. None of us bothered to look behind to see if the Marauders were following; we all just assumed they would. When we were finally all in the wall, we heard yelling and bellows coming from the direction of the field. 

“How irresponsible of all three of you!” I heard McGonagall shriek. “It’s the first day of term, your first day back at _school_ , and you can’t control yourselves just this once! All three of you will receive four nights of detention—don’t look at me like that Black, or I’ll make it _six_. You will all come down to my office tomorrow night at eight! And I’m taking fifty points from Gryffindor. Goodness, the first day back and you’ve already received detentions!”

Paige looked at me and mouthed ‘ _three’_. I shrugged and motioned for us to close up the hole in the wall before McGonagall came to investigate. 

We managed to get out of the passageway, but we had no clue whether anyone was watching or waiting, so it took us about two hours to finally make it back up to Gryffindor Tower. When we clambered through the portrait of the Fat Lady, Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew were all waiting on the squashy armchairs by a roaring fire.

“Why the _hell_ did you stay down at the pitch?” Celina demanded, glaring down at the boys. “We thought you were right behind us! And now Lily has to patrol alone since you got _four_ detentions!” 

“We wouldn’t have _all_ made it,” Black told her. “And Evans, you won’t patrol alone, we threw the Invisibility Cloak over James to shield him from McGonagall’s insane, psychotic wrath.”

“The _what_?”

“Invisibility Cloak,” Potter repeated. “It’s been in my family for centuries, and as tradition states for Christmas in First Year my dad sent me the Cloak. It’s been like that since the Potter’s were the Potter’s. Anyway, Sirius made me put it on so I wouldn’t loose my badge.”

“Like you even care,” I snorted. One look from Potter made me stop laughing. 

“I care a lot, Evans,” Potter told me seriously. That boy was so unpredictable! “I’ve decided it’s time I took some responsibility, which means no more nighttime wanderings, no more pranks—well, not many—and more time doing homework. I really care about being Head Boy.”

“More like he cares about being with _you_ ,” Black muttered, but with one silencing look—the same Potter had given me—he shut up. 

“I _do_ care about this, Lily.” He gave me this look. I swear, it stayed with me forever it was so haunting.

“I know you do, James.” 


	3. Chapter Three

**As long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter 3_

**Authors Note: Anybody see The Dark Knight? _Why so serious?_**

_We live and we learn to take_  
One step at a time  
There's no need to rush  
It's like learning to fly  
Or falling in love  
It's gonna happen and it's  
Supposed to happen that we  
Find the reasons why  
One step at a time. 

Jodrin Sparks, One Step At a Time

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning was terrible. We all got up in a haze, and nobody was quite sure that the night’s fiasco was real until we realized we’d all had the same crazy dream. No wonder Remus always looked exhausted! It was harder than I’d thought to sneak out, avoid teachers, stay out until one, and all that rubbish!

When we got down to the Great Hall, the Marauders were huddled in some group conversation. I’m really not sure what brought me to do it—probably my malfunctioning brain—but I led my friends to where James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were sitting. I told myself I’d regret it, but I also made an excuse for it by saying, “James, we need to go over patrolling dates.”

The boys jumped and looked at me like an intruder. When James didn’t say anything, I began my default glare. I used it when I got embarrassed or when someone—James Potter—didn’t answer me. He faltered under my look, and said, “I thought we already did that!”

“Briefly,” I told him snippily. “But there’s more to it than that!”

“Er, alright.” James looked slightly uncomfortable, and I decided to cut him some slack.

“Just meet me in the Common Room tonight, and we can work it out there.”

“But Lily, I really can’t tonight--!”

“I thought you cared, Potter” I used a cold tone, and he looked very upset. 

“I do care, but Lily I’ve got something to do tonight! I’ve already planned it with the guys!”

“Oh you do? You’ve already planned it?” I knew my face was getting redder by the minute, but I didn’t make an effort to control my temper with James. “Well, that just shows me, now doesn’t it! Obviously, this is more important to you than being Head Boy, whatever childish prank it is, so I’ll just leave you to do it!”

Sirius sniggered at my words, and when everyone turned to look at him questioningly he simply said with a laugh, “Jesus, Prongs! I didn’t know you were shagging her!”

Nobody else laughed. Sirius looked around, perplexed. “Don’t you get it? _Do it?_ ” 

Now Peter laughed, but Celina, Tiff, Angela, Paige, and Remus looked at Sirius like he was the biggest idiot on the planet—which he was! I, of course, could feel my face getting hot with humiliation. I looked at James to see what his reaction had been. He looked… _angry?_ Why in Merlin’s name was he angry? Could it be he didn’t _want_ me to be embarrassed? No, that was just too ridiculous to even think of.

I turned on my heel, still upset with the Marauders, and went to N.E.W.T. Potions without breakfast. Only Paige decided to tag along and console me… _not!_

“Did you see James’ face when Sirius suggested you two were shagging each other?” Paige asked me in an awed voice. I tried to act as though I didn’t care, but in truth I was dying to know! “He looked like he was mad at Sirius for embarrassing you! I thought he’d punch him!”

“Who, James? Perish the thought!” 

“No, I’m serious!” Paige gave an involuntary giggle. “Get it, I’m serious about Sirius?”

“Paige, if you don’t shut up within the next three seconds, I’ll be forced to smack you with my Potions book until you’re dead.” 

“I only have three seconds?”

“Paige!”

“Fine,” she gave in grudgingly, and refused to speak with me the rest of the walk to the dungeons—which was fine by me. I didn’t want to talk to a very perceptive person like her anyway! I was fine with being ignorant! And since Paige was so perceptive, she noticed that I was ignorant, and said so when we got to class…twenty minutes early.

“Lily, you’re an ignoramus.” 

I point blank refused to dignify her extremely _incorrect_ statement. Except to say “You’re face is an ignoramus!”

Oh yes, very smooth Lily. She was blown away with my very mature comment, and sighed with utter defeat.

I totally wish.

*~~~*

“Padfoot,” I told him with malice in my voice. “I hate you, and I hope you remember that when you attempt to show up at my front door for Christmas, expecting presents and good food from my wonderful family!”

“Prongsie, you don’t really hate me. It’s just the love-struck part of you. Face it, if I’d just insulted any other girl you’d be laughing like a cheetah--!”

“Hyena,” Moony corrected.

“Hyena!” Padfoot was such an arse. “But since it was Evans, you got all ‘Grrr, I hate Sirius’! And your mum’s a terrible cook.”

“’Grrr, I hate Sirius’?” I asked him with a questioning tone. I heard Padfoot speak every day, but today he was just ridiculous. “Is there something wrong with whatever’s left of your brain?”

“Prongs,” Padfoot said with a shocked look on his face. “I’m hurt.” He wiped an invisible tear from the grey eyes that every girl in Hogwarts loved—except Lily. There was no way Lily liked Padfoot’s eyes. She wouldn’t like _grey_ , she obviously preferred _hazel_.

“I don’t care,” I nearly yelled angrily. “I’m serious here!”

“No, _I’m_ Sirius,” he told me, speaking like I was a maniac newly escaped from the asylum. “ _You’re_ James! Come on, Prongs, stay with me here!”

“Come on, I’m trying to be serious!”

“I don’t blame you, who doesn’t want to be me?”

“One more crack about you’re name, and you’ll be _seriously_ injured.”

“Oh James, why so _serious?”_ He started laughing like a cheetah—er, hyena.

“I warned you,” I prepared to tackle him, but noticed Celina, Angela, and Tiffany watching me with pure hatred in their eyes. Well, Celina and Tiffany were. Angela was just staring…creepily…like a girl…

“Um, can we help you lovely ladies?” Padfoot asked the three, only looking at Celina. Sure, like just about every guy in school, I’d once crushed on her. But then I realized her hair wasn’t curly, or red. Her eyes were that typical blue, not strikingly green, and her face didn’t look like porcelain…more like china…

“We were just wondering why you were such a jerk,” she told him. Padfoot had basically never heard himself called such a name by a pretty girl like Celina, and it showed. His mouth dropped open in surprise, and he made no effort to close it. “Well, what’s your excuse you slimy piece of--?”

“Be careful, Miss Smith,” a stern voice interrupted from behind me. “That sort of language is not appropriate at Hogwarts, nor is it tolerated. It would be quite a disappointment if you received a detention on the first day of classes, would it not?”

Celina stuttered a response, still clearly in shock that Professor McGonagall was there. “I-I guess it would…I think?”

“Yes, it would,” Professor McGonagall knew she had the upper hand in any conversation with a student—mostly because she gave everyone the heebie jeebies and was extremely frightening. Even that tight bun on top of her head was scary, and it didn’t even hand out detentions like she did! Today, she wore her trademark emerald robes, with a black pointed hat on top. The truly terrible part about it was that her robes reminded me of Lily’s eyes. This showed just how I am obsessed and how much I love her—no matter what she believes!

“Now I’d like to know why Mr. Black is almost licking the floor.”

“Well see, Lily said that she wanted to meet James later to do Head stuff, and he said he couldn’t that night, and then Lily said she thought it was important to him, and he said it was, but this was just not a good time. Then Lily got really angry, and said that if it _was_ important to James, he should be able t drop everything and do it. Well, _then_ Sirius cracked a joke about ‘doing it’, and said that James had shagged Lily, then Lily got like, _super_ upset and left the Great Hall without eating and Paige followed her. The Sirius was making jokes about his name—you know, ‘I’m being Sirius but I’m Sirius!’ the shit—sorry Professor— _stuff_ like that. Then Celina asked why Sirius was being such a jerk, and Sirius has like, _never_ been called a jerk by a girl as pretty as Celina, so I think he went into shock.” Angela took a huge breath, having said that small speech with only two breaths between. Professor McGonagall looked at Angela strangely, like she thought Angela belonged in the psychiatric ward in St. Mungo’s—which I fully agreed. 

“Yes, thank you Miss Papall, I am extremely impressed with your ability to speak nonsense.” Either Professor McGonagall was hiding her admiration _very_ well, or she wasn’t _really_ too happy with Angela’s account of what had happened. I thought it was the latter. “I will also do you the favor of disregarding your disgusting language, which I already warned you about.”

“Actually, Professor,” Padfoot came out of his coma, the perfect image of composure. “You warned Celina, not Angela, so you’re wrong in assuming that—,”

“Mr. Black!” Professor McGonagall looked shocked. “I cannot believe your utter disrespect to the rules and regulations of this school. It seems as though you have no discipline at all!”

She said some more stuff, but I tuned out after that. I’d heard ‘The Speech’ so many times; I could probably recite it in my sleep. At that moment, my mind wandered to Lily, and how she was feeling. I _never_ wondered about girl’s feelings! It was proof that I _had_ changed, and that Lily should give me a chance! 

Not like I cared…oh who the hell was I kidding? I cared about Lily so much it hurt.

That was when I decided on a way to win her heart. 

*~~~*

When the rest of the world finally arrived at Potions, Paige was seated next to me and James and Remus decided to sit _across_ from me. Me! It was like he was asking for another slap in the face!

“What are _they_ doing here?” I asked Paige in a low voice. 

“I’m really not sure,” she said sarcastically. “Maybe going to class? “ Then went back to her pink nails. Oh yes, she was the best friend in the world!

“Good day class!” A portly man greeted us from the front of the room. “Welcome back to Hogwarts!”

“Good day Professor Slughorn,” we chanted back in bored voices. It really wasn’t the best idea ever to have first period Potions. Everybody was still exhausted, especially those people who were busy running from the Deputy Headmistress all night, *cough* me! Merlin, I hated Marauders, I hated them, I hated them, I hated them—

Oh, but James still had a _gorgeous_ smile! And Remus was so smart and clever! Even Sirius was actually funny some of the time! And Peter—ahem, well, every group has it’s odd man out…

Maybe I didn’t hate them...at the moment! But unless James showed up to that Head meeting, I’d never speak to _any_ of them _ever_ again! They might think it’s a blessing for a while, but it was _never_ good when Lily Evans hates you.

Take the Kiss sisters for example. I hated them all, and their personal hygiene was _way_ down. They’d all gotten mononucleosis at least twice! Don’t ask how it’s possible, anything could happen in the Wizarding World. Plus they snogged about eighteen guys a day, and shagged about five. It was truly disgusting. 

And yes, Kiss was their real last name, _and I hated them for it._ Why did they get a cool last name, and I got stuck with a boring one? _Evans,_ you can’t get more boring than that! _And_ being an Evans brought the worst thing ever upon me…my wizard hating sister, Petunia. Yeah, it was fabulous being an Evans! 

Anyway, while Slughorn went over the potion we were learning about--Enlarging Elixirs--James handed Remus a piece of parchment, and Remus handed it to me. I looked at the pair of them in shock. Passing notes? No bloody thank you!

When I refused to take it, James nudged Remus, and he made a noise. Slughorn looked at the three of us, and after determining that nobody was talking anymore, he went back to talking with a sharp look at _me_. I was his favorite student in the world! James stared at me in a way that clearly said ‘If you don’t take the parchment, your reputation with Slughorn is finished’.

So I looked back, and before I took the note, my eyes narrowed in a way that said ‘You’re King of the Arses’. Simple and direct, the best way to be with Potter. 

I opened the parchment, and had to smother my gasp.

**Lily’s Eyes**

_Lily’s eyes are emerald green,_  
And tend to narrow when I’m mean.  
They light up like stars  
When she laughs or smiles,  
If I had to I’d run miles,  
Just to see her eyes alight and  
To see her teeth flashing white,  
And even though some things I say  
Make her go quite pink,  
She’s so beautiful,  
I can hardly think.

To use James’ words, at that moment my face was ‘quite pink’. I turned to look at him, but he was focusing on Slughorn. I directed my attention towards our teacher as well, and tucked the note in the pocket of my robes. 

Sure it was lame, and usually I’d feel the need to kick James where it hurt, and he wasn’t exactly the best poet around. But unlike most of the things he’d done to win my affections, this was private. He didn’t stand on top of his desk and read the poem to the class. He didn’t post it on the Gryffindor Common Room bulletin board for all to see—and possibly copy. He sent it discreetly, and it was clear the poem was for my eyes only. 

Somehow, that crappy poem made me smile. 

And it just so happened that the moment I smiled, James looked over at me and winked. Normally, I’d narrow my eyes at him, but after he put that in the poem it didn’t seem _right_ anymore. Apparently, he adored all the little things I did when I was mad, or angry. It seemed pointless to do it now!

*~~*

The rest of the day I felt embarrassed around James. He was cute, funny, nice, and basically perfect to every girl—except me. Some doubt still remained, and I had the hardest time making it go away. After the poem, I felt I _had_ to be his friend, but at the same time there was an unspoken truth between us; I didn’t want to date him. 

Sure, he’d given me a sweet poem. And yes, he was being extremely mature lately—excluding that disastrous Quidditch race. But I knew that the second a certain someone approached me, he’d be off his nut. Don’t ask which nut, for I do not know. It could be a peanut, or a walnut, but James was unpredictable. The size of his nut was also unknown. A peanut is small, and unthreatening, whereas a walnut is large, and slightly terrifying. I mean, what if I choked? What if I broke a tooth? Why the hell was I comparing nuts? It made no sense at all! 

Anyway, I could never tell how bad James was going to get around the certain person. Although I’d seen them pass a few times in the hall that day without even exchanging a glance, I knew that sooner or later _he_ would come up. Severus had never been good with James, and it had intensified when I’d stopped speaking with him. 

Unfortunately, Severus decided the first day back in classes was the appropriate time for a little—for lack of a better word—rabblerousing. 

“Hey, Potter!” He called as we left our last class of the day. I felt my shoulders sag. _So close_ , I found myself thinking again. “Did you really shag Lily?”

As we were walking next to one another—Celina, Angela, Tiff, Paige, Remus, Sirius, and Peter were all next to me—I saw James’ fists clench, but he didn’t stop walking, nor did he turn around to let Severus know he’d heard. I however, whirled around to face him.

“Hey Snape,” I yelled angrily. The stupid git had once been my friend, but now that was all over. “Why don’t you go take a shower?”

It was lame, but I was so livid I felt that I needed to say something in my defense! And where did he hear that James had shagged me? Probably one of the Kiss girls, or all of them. And Severus’ hair really _was_ disgustingly greasy.

“Yeah, Snivellus,” Sirius yelled. “Why don’t you take Lily’s advice, and go clean the scum out off your—oh wait! That’s your face!”

Peter, Angela, Paige, Tiff and Celina laughed. I didn’t, James didn’t. He just stood there, taking it all without a single retort or sound. I was caught off guard by his actions—or lack of them—and found my mouth hanging open, much like Celina told me Sirius’ was at breakfast. 

“So you _people_ use her first name?” Severus spat with a terribly look no his face. Defiantly, I nodded my head. “Wow, that’s low Lily. I thought you were better.”

I looked at James’ face. I saw his eyes look to me. Again, there was an unspoken conversation going on between us. He was basically daring me to defend myself yet again, but at the same time I’d be defending him. I wasn’t sure if I could actually do that to Severus. No matter how horrible he’d been, I knew that he was just very misunderstood. Could I hurt my old friend like that? 

“It’s Evans to you, Snape.”

I continued to walk, and my friends eventually joined me. I didn’t look back to see the face of my former best friend. I knew what it would look like. Disappointed, saddened, distraught. I knew his black eyes would be cold. I’d hurt him terribly, but he deserved it! He had just insulted me, why not throw one back? I had better friends, ones that didn’t even _want_ to communicate with a wannabe Death Eater. No, I didn’t need Snape anymore. I deserved better friends than him, ones that didn’t call me a Mudblood, even if it was an accident! 

When I sat down at Gryffindor table for dinner, James took the seat next to me on the bench and said,

“I think I’ll be able to make that Head meeting after all.” 


	4. Chapter Four

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Four_

_Yet Another Author’s Note: The strange conversation between Celina and Angela actually happened with me and my best friend (I was Celina)._

_Here I am, once again_  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes. 

Kelly Clarkson, Behind These Hazel Eyes

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The first few weeks of school were fine. Paige hooked up with this _really_ cute guy, but then dumped him because he was ‘exceptionally boring’. The poor kid was really into her, too. Celina and Sirius fought at every meal—sometimes during class—and it was obvious they were just like James and me before we were ‘friends’, as Sirius kept dropping hints that Celina was going to have his children. Very Potter-ish. Angela got supremely jealous of me spending so much time with her future husband, and Tiff got angry at everyone for no good reason. Don’t ask me how the other Marauders were, I didn’t really pay attention to them. 

But what surprised me most, was that James put his Head duties before everything! He was also Quidditch Captain, so he asked me in advance when we were going to have a meetings and then planned _around_ it! How mature was that? And after the last encounter with Sever—Snape, he was being really good about not bullying the Slytherin’s! It was like a miracle. I nearly passed out once he told me that he’d given Peter a detention for attempting to curse Snape in the halls. I say _attempting_. Peter wasn’t very good at magic…

But there was only one week left in September, and the Seventh Year students were overjoyed about it. We got _piled_ with homework, and even I had spent a good amount of my night in the Common Room writing essays! Of course, most of it was Transfiguration.

“Two scrolls of parchment on Animagi, and all information on them,” Professor McGonagall told the class. “And I don’t want large handwriting to take up more room, Mr. Black.”

Sirius chuckled and said, “You know I will anyway, Professor!”

“Yes, but now I can give you a detention for it.”

He stopped laughing. 

“I want you all to remember that it is almost impossible to become an Animagus,” she informed us. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter sniggered behind me. When Tiff and I turned around to give them sharp looks, they were conversing in low tones. I’d learned to never interrupt during one of those times. “And I don’t want any of you to attempt it after reading about it. Firstly, it’s illegal. Secondly, you could kill yourself attempting it. Thirdly--,”

“Professor, didn’t we learn this Third Year?” someone asked her.

Professor McGonagall gave a small nod to indicate yes, we did learn all about this and already did an essay on it. The class groaned. 

“But aren’t we supposed to learn, like, new stuff?” Selena Kiss asked in her annoying drawl. The stupid, arrogant, conniving, rule breaking--,

“Yes, Miss Kiss, but you must all have the danger of being an Animagus drilled into your heads. It takes exceptional talent, brains…” she stopped once she saw that Sirius and James were practically dying of laughter on the floor. Remus had an amused grin on his face, and Peter looked about ready to wet himself with pride. “Do you four have something to say?”

“Er, no Professor,” James recovered quickly, but it was a flash back to First Year when he was a smug arsehole. And then I got angry. _Really_ angry. It was that cocky laughter that started it. Why the hell was I hanging out with the Marauders? What was wrong with me? Had my brain dropped out my butt? 

Paige saw my face twist in a very strange fury. 

“Lily,” she asked me hesitantly. “Lily, come on. We’ve had a great first month! Can’t you just leave them alone?”

“No.” 

“Please?”

“No!”

After class, James tried to walk near me. I ran to catch up with Angela and Celina.

“Dear Merlin, I have to pee like a racehorse,” Celina was saying. To prove her point, she was practically dancing as she walked down the Transfiguration corridor.

“Don’t be thick,” Angela told her with a laugh. “Racehorses don’t pee!”

“What?”

“You know, their like squirrels!” Celina stared at Angela in shock.

“Angie, squirrels pee, too.”

“No they don’t! Have you ever seen a squirrel pee?”

“Why would I watch to see if a squirrel peed?” Celina shook her head disbelievingly. “Both racehorses and squirrels pee! It’s part of the circle of life! Everything pees.”

“Um, that’s a book, and it’s called _Everybody Poops_.”

“That’s truly disgusting!”

“Oh, will you both _please_ shut up!” I finally yelled. Did I care whether squirrels or racehorses peed? Most definitely not! “Let’s just get to lunch before a certain idiot tries to speak to me.”

“But I thought you and this nameless-idiot were _friends!”_ Angela shouted in mortification. If I wasn’t even on speaking terms with James, then my friends wouldn’t have a good excuse to hang out with the Marauders, which meant Angela had less time to spend with James, and that meant that she might _not_ marry him after all! It was the tragic story of her life.

“Not after that little misdoing in Transfiguration.” My eyes were watering just slightly, but I’d always been allergic to…er…Angela. “It just shows that James—Potter—hasn’t changed a single bit!”

‘”You’re blowing it way out of proportion!” Angela shouted angrily. 

“Oh, Lils,” Celina put an arm around my shoulders consolingly. We ignored Angela. “All boys are just pieces of crap disguised as hot, gorgeous humans. I’m just sorry you had to learn this way.”

“But I thought you liked boys?”

“I do,” she explained. “I just don’t get as attached to them as you do! You can’t expect a relationship to last forever!”

“It wasn’t a bleeding relationship!”

Celina rolled her eyes, and Angela sulked. It was official; she wasn’t getting anywhere near Potter for at least another few weeks--at least until I simmered down. “But now your heart is _bleeding_.” Celina told me, then walked back to talk with Paige and Lupin.

During lunch, Potter attempted to make conversation with me several times. I went back to icy, short answers. He looked upset, but I knew I was doing the right thing…for me. Potter was just going to hurt me, like he did to all the other girls. 

“Um, Lily?” He asked me after Charms. “Is there something wrong? You haven’t said more than three words to me since Transfiguration.”

“You mean when you made a complete arse out of yourself?” I asked him with cruelty in my voice. “There, more than three words!”

“Lily--!”

“Look, Potter,” I spat. “I meant what I said on the train. I really don’t want to be anywhere near _you_ , or your smug, arrogant friends!”

“What the--?”

“You haven’t changed a bit! You just act like a prat when you think I won’t notice! Merlin, I can’t believe I fell for it for so long! The poem was the reason I didn’t yell at you earlier. I thought it was sweet and kind and sensitive, but really it was just a way to earn my trust!”

“Lily, the poem was _real_! I wrote it for you, no matter how sucky it was! I’m not the same guy I was before!”

“It’s Evans to you, Potter.” I used the same voice I’d used with Snape; I had the same cold look on my face. “I knew we could never be friends, and I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think we could.”

I turned on my heel and walked away from him. I needed some time without Potter, or anybody! I skipped my last class of the day and dinner, complaining of a headache. 

I didn’t want to see Potter ever again.

*~~*

I watched her walk away from me. I watched her pace speed up. I watched her turn the corner with that terrible look on her face. I watched her leave me behind.

She’d had enough of me. Lily Evans didn’t want to see me ever again except for Prefect meetings, and the occasional Head gatherings. I knew this time she wasn’t just saying it out of spite—she meant it. Lily was sick of me and my stupidity. 

I must’ve been joking myself when I thought that being her friend would help. I didn’t even attack Snivellus when he made fun of her! She defended _me_! And then Sirius just _had_ to make that brainless joke about Animagi. Maybe I hadn’t changed at all, maybe deep down I was still the showoff ladies man. 

I wanted so badly to take off after her, to tell her I loved her and that whatever I did was all for her. But my feet remained rooted to the spot. Sirius, Remus, Peter, Celina, Paige, Angela, and Tiff were all ahead of me. Lily wanted to be alone.

Then her words floated back to me. What she’d said in Sixth Year, when we were boarding the train to go home for the summer.

_“Maybe if you leave me alone, I’ll feel lost without your constant nagging!”_

And then, an idea floated into my head too. An idea so awesome, so pointless, that it was sure to work!

I was going to do _nothing_.

*~~*

October came, along with bitter winds and a small snowstorm. It was like the weather was imitating my mood; cloudy. Around all my friends, I was fine! I was laughing, having fun, and even doing well in all my classes! But when I was alone and had time to think, I was as somber as ever.

“Lily,” Tiff said to me one night in the Common Room. I looked up from my book, _Gone With the Wand_.

“Yeah?”

“Are you…alright?”

“Yes,” I answered a little too quickly. “Yes, I’m fine.” I ended the conversation there, and tried to read some more. Crimson O’Fara was about to proclaim her true love for Burgundy, they might kiss and love each other the rest of their lives--why wasn’t Potter trying to get my attention? Wait, what? Potter most certainly wasn’t in this book!

I chanced a glance in his direction. He was laughing along with Black at something they’d read in _The Daily Prophet_. For a fleeting moment, I was tempted to go and see why they were laughing. But one look at Angela’s puppy dog eyes directed at Potter was enough to put me off the entire reading process!

Angela got up from her chair in front of the fire to do precisely what I was contemplating. 

“Hey James, Sirius,” she greeted briefly. “What’s so funny? I can hear you guys laughing like hyenas from across the room!”

“Laughing like cheetahs, you mean,” Potter corrected her. Angela laughed like Potter had just told her Snape was gay. “It’s this cartoon. Here, read it.”

He handed her the paper, and she let out another loud cackle. Now my curiosity at this ‘joke’ was making me insane. I grabbed the paper from the guy sitting next to me. 

“Hey! I was reading that—!”

“And now you’re not!” I glared, and the boy leapt up from his chair to join Sandra Kiss—Selena’s Fifth Year sister—in an armchair. They got all cozy, and I quickly turned my eyes to the cartoon.

It was a picture of a Muggle zebra saying ‘How many stripes do I have?’ Who on this earth would laugh at that? 

“So James, how’s Quidditch?” Angela used her flirtatious voice. “Got the team whipped into shape?”

“Are you kidding?” Black exclaimed. “He’s got us doing so many drills, my eyeballs hurt!”

“But, there isn’t a drill that uses eyeballs, is there?”

“Exactly!” Angela laughed again, and moved to sit on the arm of Potter’s chair. He looked up at her with a cute smile, and she settled her head on his shoulder.

She was _dead_. Just like Paige had been. And didn’t Potter think that Angela was a stalker? The worst part was that she _was_ a stalker! I once saw her sneak into the boys dorm and try to watch Potter take a _shower_. Ugh.

A week later, Celina, Tiff, Paige, Angela, and I had planned a girl’s night. No boys and no talking about boys. Unfortunately, Angela was a git.

“Guys, I’m, like, super sorry, but I can’t make it to the girl’s night.” Everyone turned around to stare at her, and she shifted uncomfortably. “I forgot that Professor Flitwick wanted me to get tutored tonight.”

“In Charms?” Tiff asked.

“ _No,_ ” Paige said sarcastically. “The _Charms_ professor wants her to learn clog dancing! Of course in Charms!”

“No need to get nasty.”

“Anyway, I’ll fail Charms if I don’t get this tutoring, so I really can’t miss it.”

“Fine, we understand. Just go, you daughter of Bigfoot!” Celina yelled in a mock-hurt voice. Angela gave a small smile, and then fled the room. 

Tiff looked at me. “What are we going to do without our fifth girl?”

“Invite Peter?”

Everyone laughed, but Celina snapped her fingers and said, “We should totally invite that Ravenclaw gossip machine, Rachel Thaddet. That girl sure loves to talk!”

“A small problem,” I told them. “You don’t know where Ravenclaw Tower is, and you don’t know the answer to the question!”

“No,” Celina answered slowly. “But _you_ know where it is, and you already know the question it will ask as _you_ are Head Girl!”

I shook my head so vigorously, I thought it might pop off. “There is no chance in Merlin’s name that I am going to do that!”

“Oops Lily,” Paige giggled. “You just took Merlin’s name in vain! That means you have to do whatever we tell you to!”

I gave a small sigh of defeat. My friends and I had this little tradition. See, when you say something bad about Merlin, there’s supposed to be a curse that ‘comes upon you’. Paige came up with the idea that we can ‘send the curse away’ by doing anything one of our friends tells us to, as a way to give sacrifice to Merlin. My sacrifice would probably be my badge. 

“Are you sure none of you wants to go instead?” I asked with a fake smile on my face. When they all shook their heads, I gave another sigh and said, “I’ll see you later.”

As I walked out, I could hear Tiff whispering “Angela didn’t go for Charms help, I’m sure.”

I went down the stairs to the Common Room. It only held a few students. One girl, Sybill Trelawney, a Fourth Year, was whispering something about some girl named Natalia—a dreadful name. I felt bad for the girl, whoever she was. With a name like Natalia, nothing was going to go right in her life. And it only made things worse that Sybill was whispering about her. Sybill was quite mad.

Why did I care about these things? Why?

I left the Common Room and headed west to Ravenclaw Tower. 

*~~*

“Okay people, I’m back!” I called once I’d returned to the room with Rachel in tow. “You can all get on your knees and thank me now!”

Nobody did. But Celina rushed over and grabbed Rachel by the arm. “What’s the latest news?” she asked, turning on every imaginable light in the room. While I was gone, they’d conjured pillows and blankets in an assortment of bright, eye burning colors. Apparently, Tiff had worked her magic and popped some popcorn, and Paige had dug up some chocolate bars from her huge stash.

“Well,” Rachel began, sitting down on a heart shaped bean bag chair. “You know Narcissa Black, Seventh Year Slytherin? Well, she got pulled out of school yesterday, because her parents are making her marry _another_ Slytherin, Lucius Malfoy. But he’s already out of school, so it didn’t matter to him. I felt badly for her until I remembered the frogs she put in my soup last year.”

“She’s getting married? At seventeen?” Tiff exclaimed. “That’s mad!”

“I know,” Rachel answered with an excited look on her face. She _loved_ spreading the gossip and it brought her great joy and happiness to slander the names of fellow students and shoot their reputation to hell. “Just think how hideous their child will be! They both have white blonde hair, so he’ll probably look, like, albino!”

“That’s not very kind, Rachel,” I was trying to steer the conversation into a more interesting topic, but Rachel waved my comment away. 

“Oh, speaking of Sirius Black—,”

“We-we speaking about Sirius Black.” Paige interceded. Rachel looked furious at Paige’s interruption. But she quickly recovered.

“Well, we are now, aren’t we?” 

She went into a very detailed story of how Sirius Black had been shagging Tina Reynolds, and somehow a potato came into the story. I was laughing so hard, I didn’t even remember the point of it! There was a crash on the window, but when we looked, whatever had made the noise was gone.

“Too bad Angie couldn’t be here,” Celina said once she’d caught her breath. “She’d love these stories!”

“Well, I imagine she’s having _way_ more fun than this!” Rachel said, as if everyone knew what she was talking about.

“Getting tutored?” I asked skeptically. “Nobody has fun doing that!”

Rachel looked at everyone in amazement. “You-you don’t know?” 

“Know what?” Paige asked suspiciously. 

“Well, I assumed _you_ of all people knew!” Rachel told me. “She’s having a snogging fest with him tonight!”

“With _who_?” Celina asked, eyes glued to Rachel. “Who is she snogging?”

“None other than James Potter!”

I gasped. My eyes bulged. I must’ve looked like some freaky buldgy-thing, but I didn’t care. Angela Pappal was snogging James Potter? Having a snogging _fest_? That meant quite a bit of snogging! 

“Yeah, their dating now,” Rachel said matter-of-factly. 

“I can’t believe her,” I said with incredulity.

“I know,” Paige agreed. “Why didn’t she tell us she was shagging Potter?”

“Any other new couples?” Tiff asked hurriedly with a glance at my red face. Yeah, nice move Tiff.

*~~*

“Come on, Remus, further!” I yelled down below. “I can’t see a bloody thing!”

“Well, you’re not exactly the skinniest guy in Hogwarts, Sirius!” He yelled back. 

I was floating right below the window of the Seventh Year Girls Dormitory. Literally floating. Remus had a Levitation Charm on me, and Peter was stationed at the bottom of the girl’s staircase. I was _trying_ to see through the window, but Remus couldn’t seem to levitate my body high enough.

“It’s all muscle!” I whispered. Remus rolled his eyes, but it was because he was jealous of my serious guns. “Seriously, you haven’t seen muscles until you’ve seen Sirius’.”

“Whatever, Padfoot, just try to pull yourself up to the ledge, and then I won’t have to hold your _muscle_ up anymore!”

I grunted with effort, and attempted to pull myself up, as Remus had suggested. I probably would’ve succeeded too, but as I was climbing, I heard that gossip queen Rachel Thaddet telling a story about me, Tina Reynolds, and that damn potato. Of course, in my shock, I lost my balance and slammed into the window. Luckily, Remus managed to put a Disillusionment Charm on me _and_ keep me floating. I’d never say it, but that boy was bloody _talented_.

“Padfoot,” Remus shouted up. “Are you alright?”

“No, Moony, I hang from windows for fun!”

I was hanging from one of the spikes that jut out from Hogwarts’ walls. And not hanging, like, holding onto it. No, I was hanging by the back of my trousers.

“Oh Merlin, Padfoot! I’m taking you down right now!” 

“Wait Moony, I can hear them pretty well from here!” I strained my ears, wishing that I’d paid attention when Flitwick had taught us a Listening Charm in Sixth Year. He wasn’t supposed to, but we convinced him. 

I could hear Rachel quite clearly.

“—I’d assumed _you_ of all people knew. She’s having a snogging fest with him tonight!” I briefly wondered why she’d said _you_ in that tone. I knew they were talking about Angela Pappal, but that was a topic that didn’t truly interest me. Then why was I so bloody curious? 

Celina impatiently demanded to know who Angela was snogging. Damn, that girl was finer than me! Sometimes, I swear she must’ve been half Veela! Maybe just a quarter, as she didn’t make me drool…most of the time…

“None other than James Potter!”

I very distinctly heard Lily gasp in shock, or outrage…or both maybe. “Hey Moony, guess what?”

Sigh. “What Sirius?”

“Angela is dating Prongs! Their having a snogging fest tonight! Right now! Their in some distant broom closet feeling each other up!”

“Ew, Padfoot, that’s vomit inducing!”

“Hey Mooney?”

Yet another sigh. “What?”

“Do you think the girls will take their shirts off?”

His face clouded with something I knew ever teenage boy could relate to. “Get me up there, now!”

*~~*

Angela was more than dead now. She was _cremated_. I’d never forgive her for this, _ever_. Potter was my worst enemy, even if he cared not to believe it! And I thought he was in love with me, not Angela! Why wasn’t he still in love with me? I couldn’t possibly be easy to forget. My red hair still burned in my mind after looking in the mirror! What about my eyes? Lily’s eyes? I thought they were pretty darned annoying, but he’d always seemed to love them! He’d always seemed to love me. 

Rachel was rambling now, and I could tell that she just wanted to keep James Potter out of my head. I heard about the different friendships that had gone up in flames recently, the new couples who were practically warring on each other, the Narcissa/Lucius scandal was still a good subject. Everyone set to telling stories of the two when they were at Hogwarts, and Rachel retold the epic story of the Frog Soup. Tiff recalled the time that Narcissa had accidentally eaten a beetle that the house-elves in the Kitchens had put in Celina’s chicken—specially requested by dear Celina. Everybody laughed.

Everybody except me. 

Suddenly, I felt a small pain growing in my stomach. It couldn’t possibly be my period—wasn’t that coming in a week or so? Crap, why didn’t I pay attention to these things? Maybe all these weird feelings about Potter dating Angela were actually the cause of PMS! Maybe…

“Hey,” I interrupted the story, and Rachel turned her evil gaze to me. “Does anybody have a Midol?”

Everyone dove for their purses, and I was happy for the new topic—the plague of being a girl.

“It’s totally not fair!” Paige shouted. “We have to give birth, shave our legs _and_ our pits, get periods, wax our eyebrows, and do lots of other crap that guys _never_ have to do.”

“You know, one of these days, I’m going to invent a spell that makes a man a woman. We’ll see how Sirius Black jokes about PMS when he’s the one complaining!” Celina was an evil, evil girl. And strangely, I was very happy for it. I became lost in a daydream of James Potter, Boy Extraordinaire, getting his period and having to suffer greatly…and being a girl. 

Maybe half an hour later, Rachel said that she was really tired and that she was going back to Ravenclaw. Everyone groaned—once again, except me—as she waved goodbye and disappeared out the door. I was just slightly relieved that we’d broken the no talking about boys rule. It was better to know that Angela was dating someone—not that I cared to know who Potter was dating, but it felt good!

It was even better to know that she was lying to us.

Angela came through the door near midnight, attempting to close it quietly and only succeeding in tripping over one of the huge pillows and then falling on Paige’s bed. Paige—never having been a morning person…or afternoon or evening—yelled and began smacking Angela all over. Of course, this woke the rest of us.

“How could you lie to us?” Celina asked, actually hurt this time. Angela _never_ lied about anything. She was always very straightforward, especially with us! “What did you think we’d do, banish you like an ostracized leper?” 

“Celina, there’s no need to call me an ostrich _or_ a leopard.” Angela was so thick sometimes. “I just went for a bit of tutoring! I didn’t think you’d be so upset if I stayed late! Do you _want_ me to fail Charms?”

“Please, Angie, you’re failing at least half of your classes, and no human would put up with you for,” Tiff checked her Muggle watch. “ _four hours_ just to help you in Charms alone. It would take tutoring in many other subjects, and still, they would’ve made sure you were back before curfew…which you weren’t! If Lily was patrolling tonight, she would’ve had to give you detention!”

“What do you mean?” Angela spoke very slowly, like she really did know what we meant, even though she pretended to not know in case we didn’t _really_ know, and then she’d have told us what she thought _we_ meant, which was _not_ really what we were thinking. 

“Why don’t you tell us?” My voice was hard, and I didn’t realize I was glaring at her.

“Lils, I know you thought of him as a friend for a while,” Angela started slowly, regaining her confidence. “But you decided to end that, and I thought you hated him! So I didn’t know why I was still just hanging around him, and not _dating him_ , or at least not telling him how I felt!”

“Angela, you wouldn’t have told him what you thought even if he and Lily were friends, you know that.” Tiff always had a practical way of seeing things, and it was really starting to pay off in this conversation.

“But I _love_ him!” Angela pleaded. She turned to address me. “I knew you wouldn’t accept my decision, Lily, so I thought it would be easier for you if I kind of…I don’t know…braced you for a while.”

“What do you mean, ‘brace me’?”

“Well, it’s easy to tell that you’re angry that James isn’t going out of his way to impress you, or even speaking to you at all. So now you’re mad at me because I’m dating him, and I know that deep down inside you actually like him Lily, I know you do. You’d probably say yes if he was anybody _but_ James Potter. And I don’t even care that he might be using me just to get you jealous because _I love him_ , all right? I love James Potter, and there’s nothing anybody can say to stop me from loving him!”

She said all this really fast, in the Angela way, as if she was scared that when she took a break for a breath I’d interrupt and tell her that, contrary to prior belief, _no_ , I didn’t like Potter, nor would I ever in a million years. If it was a choice between him and a Death Eater, I’d take the Death Eater! Well, er, that’s not particularly true. The Death Eater would probably try to murder me, and that’s never a good start to a relationship. But anyway, he would still be my last choice in a range of many guys.

“Angie, we’re not mad that you’re with him,” Paige stopped. “Okay, _most_ of us aren’t angry that you’re dating James Potter. We’re angry that you _lied_ to us! How could you?”

“I told you, I wanted to brace Lily. I thought she’d go ballistic if I told her right away--!”

“Better than lying,” I mumbled, but nobody heard. I didn’t care about Potter—really, I didn’t! I was more upset that Angela had lied than that she was dating Potter. Wasn’t I?

I didn’t know that answer. Potter and I had had a weird relationship from the start. Sometimes I felt very upset that he was no longer paying attention to me. It was like I missed him or something horrible like that. My brain was saying something reasonable—Lily Evans, you have never liked James Potter and you should be immensely happy that he’s not bothering you anymore. But my heart? Well, that was a whole different batch of apples. Wait, what did this have to do with apples?

Anyway, the next day I saw Angela and _him_ sitting together at breakfast. I could’ve ripper her eyes out I was so angry! There really was no way of getting around the fact that I missed Potter’s never ending—well until _now_ never ending—presence in my life. Merlin’s beard, why did I care so much? He couldn’t have possibly changed, yet I was _still_ jealous of Angela. 

“Hey, uh, Lily,” Angela said to me in that sad, pathetically sorry tone people get when they want you to forgive them instantly and they know that you don’t want to. We were walking to Potions, even though I’d tried my best to avoid the world outside of Paige, Celina and Tiff…that meant I was avoiding ANGELA! “How was the sleepover last night?”

“Very…” I tried to think of something witty to tell her, maybe that it was very false, but that didn’t sound smart at all, so I settled with “Um, interesting.”

And Lily Evans wins first prize for Outstanding Charisma! I must’ve inherited that lovely trait from that terrible father of mine. He’d be getting an earful when I got home.

Suddenly, Bertram Aubrey was right in front of me, and I had to stop short to avoid smashing my nose against his chest—he’s quite tall. 

Bertram was considered very good looking, if not quite as good looking as the Marauders, without poor Peter. He had wavy, golden hair that was always perfectly trimmed to just his ears. His pleasant, inviting baby blue eyes were set on one person…me. His long figure was poised to stay there until he said whatever his nicely placed mouth was open to say. If I showed any surprise that he was just kind of _leaping_ in front of me, he obviously didn’t see it. In prior years, Bertram had asked me nearly every week if I had an extra quill on me, like I got a new shipment of a hundred quills each week. Uh huh, yeah, riiiiiight. 

“Hey, erm, Lily,” he greeted me, much like Angela. Except I didn’t want to gouge out his nice blue eyes. 

“Hey Bertram. Listen, I don’t have _any_ quills at all. Not even for me, so you might as well beg some off of Celina or something.” I was very quick, very brief, as I had no explicit desire to speak to any boy, especially one as arrogant and mean as Bertram, for the rest of the day.

“Lily, there’s, uh, something I want to ask you.”

“What, do you need a pen? I haven’t got one of those either.” I asked. He was a pureblood, and his bewilderment at the word ‘pen’ was remarkable. His face looked like I’d just told him Professor Morgue, our incredibly sinister and boring Divination teacher from Fourth Year, had announced that he as getting married. 

“Oh, a pen! One of those pushy-downy thingies, right? They’ve got caps, and all that rubbish?”

“Yeah, that’s them,” I confirmed in a bored voice. “If you don’t want a pen or a quill, what supplies _do_ you need, as I’m sure I don’t have them.”

He stuttered for a while, and I was sure I’d be late to potions if the stupid kid didn’t blurt out whatever he was bothering me for. Angela had long since left me there with Bertram—she’d probably die for that—and Celina, Tiff, and Paige had been ahead of us. Everyone was probably in the dungeon by now. Everyone except me, the only person who truly wished she was there instead of waiting for bloody Bertram Aubrey to request a pencil or something equally silly that I didn’t-bloody-have!

“I was wondering if you wanted to go to Hogsmead with me!” He spoke very fast, in an Angela way, and what he said didn’t come out as a question, more like an announcement. Either way, it made me blink in surprise.

“Hogsmead? With you?” Now I was the one stuttering.

“Uh, yes. Please?” His pretty blue eyes were pleading, and suddenly, all I wanted to do was be with him, arrogant or not!

Until Potter’s face flashed into view with Angela on his arm. 

Then, everything clicked.

“Sure, Bertram, I’d love to!” I tried desperately to make my voice sound _merry_. I think I sounded like a confused cow. And I _was_ confused. No one had asked me out since Potter had dumped a cauldron of wartcap powder on poor Mike Griffith’s head. The boy still hadn’t recovered…

“Oh, really? That’s fantastic!” He grabbed my hand, again suddenly—what was it with this boy?—and pulled me to Potions. Instead of sitting with Celina and Tiff, we sat next to Paige and her new crush, Sam Ulova. Paige raised an eyebrow curiously, and I answered by lining my fingers with Bertram’s. She seemed to go into shock, only awoken by Sam when he said “So you guys are going to Hogsmead, I assume?”

Most unfortunately, he has a speaking problem, which makes him shout everything he says, unless he’s whispering. I think it’s called ‘You-Have-A-Problem-With-Your-Voice-As-You-Can’t-Control-The-Volume-Of-It-And-You-Should-Get-On-That-Problem-Rather-Quickly!

Potter’s head snapped in my direction and met my eyes angrily. He was sitting at his table with Angela, Remus, and Sirius. Peter had been taken out of N.E.W.T. Potions in mid September. Potter instantly grabbed Angela’s hand and pulled her to him. Without further ado, they began making out in Potions class, and right in front of my face.

And then I felt a huge monster erupt in my chest. When I didn’t actually see them snogging and feeling each other I was alright. But _this_ was crossing the line. I’d known all along, but he was just using my friend as a decoy, trying to prove that he was completely over me by dating one of my best friends. I don’t think so!

I looked Bertram in the eye for a while, figuring out how I was to go about doing this. I needn’t have bothered thinking though—it tends to hurt my brain early in the morning—because Bertram suddenly started kissing _me_! Of his own accord, too! Oh yes, this was brilliant. Except that he kept trying to stick his tongue down my throat. That was actually quite annoying. 

I opened my eyes slightly to see that Angel and Potter had stopped eating each other’s faces, and Potter’s was turned towards me. I tried to keep that look of horror in my mind as I pulled away from Bertram, complaining that if Slughorn caught us, we’d have detention. I knew it wasn’t true, but it kept Bertram’s tongue in his throat. 

Slughorn eventually entered the room, and we all began working on a new, but simple, potion; Swelling Solution. Different from the Enlargement Potion because it had an antidote. I set to work, and Bertram kept trying to kiss me. I, however, was much too repulsed at the idea of snogging him again. I hardly knew the kid, and he was valiantly attempting to snog me to within an inch of my life. He was purely disgusting to me now.

Eventually he gave up though, and I was able to focus on my potion. A few small pieces of dragon root, and I’d be the first done! 

Until Potter announced “Professor, what do you want us to do when we’ve finished?”

“Just bring it over hear, my boy. Put it in a flask.” Potter nodded and poured what I could see was a perfect Swelling Solution into a clear flask. On his way to the front of the room, he stopped at my table.

“Hey, Lily, I was just wondering when you and Aubrey became such good friends?” Potter asked me in a heavy tone. “I thought you had trouble with _friendship_.”

With that, he uncorked his flask. I knew what would happen, and I also knew that nothing would stop it. I simply dove out of the splash zone.

James Potter poured Swelling Solution right onto Bertram’s head. 


	5. Chapter Five

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Five_

_Monster, how should I feel?_  
Creatures lie here,  
Looking through the window 

Meg & Dia, Monster

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“James Potter, I can’t believe you’d do that to him!” I screamed during our Head meeting. His eyes remained on the floor. “I suppose you got what you wanted! Bertram won’t take me to Hogsmead anymore because he’s scared of _you_!”

“Good, he should be.” That was all the response I got. His casual attitude towards my fury, well, infuriated me! How could he just sit on that stupid wooden chair in the Library, while I screamed at him so loudly, my throat was getting sore?

“Do you know how close you are to the end of your life?” I yelled in rage. “I can barely restrain myself from killing you now! I hate you so much; I’m amazed you’re still alive with how much I hate you!”

His head snapped up, and his hazel eyes looked at me in anger and hurt.

“You hate me? You really do? Fine. Go ahead, stop holding yourself back—kill me! I won’t tell anyone.” I met his gaze in awe. Did he actually believe that no matter how much I hated him—or not—I would kill him…wait, would I? No, I told myself firmly. I could never _kill_ somebody. Well—my wand arm almost reached into my pocket—no, Lily, remain under control of your very intense emotions.

“Well?” he finally asked when I didn’t move an inch. “What are you waiting for? You must be desperate for some way to get rid of me! And seriously, how could you actually suck face with Bertram Aubrey? At least Angela’s nice, funny, and pretty.”

“Angela’s an airhead, and you know it,” I growled. Part of me was horrified that I’d just smashed one of my best friends. The other half was totally ecstatic that I’d been able to speak ill of her. That part made _me_ ill. “Besides, I guess I really don’t _want_ to get _rid_ of you. I kinda of want you in my life. It’s just, sometimes you’re so impossible! It’s like I can’t tell if you’re really seventeen, or just an eleven-year-old in a man’s body!”

“You didn’t answer my question,” he pointed out to me, ignoring what I’d just said. “How could you kiss Aubrey?”

His tone sounded, I don’t know, _sad_. Like he was upset I’d kissed Bertram at all, or even agreed to go on a date with him, even if he’d dumped me. I couldn’t tell James I’d kissed Bertram because I was _jealous_ of him and Angela! No, that would make his head even larger than Bertram’s currently was. But what could I tell him then? I’d always been the worst liar in creation. Angela had been the stupid, flirtatious one, but never so much as she was with James. That made me mad, too. She’d made such a change in herself—obviously believing that guys liked dim girls--I wasn’t sure I even liked her anymore! But I didn’t want her to get hurt either. The main reason I was angry with her for dating James was because I knew he’d just leave her hurt. The other, though _much_ smaller, reason was that _I_ wanted to be the one dating him, kissing him, holding him. 

Fabulous ideas hit in the strangest ways.

“I was only kissing him so that _you’d_ stop kissing Angela,” I informed him. “I know what you’re doing, and I know you don’t love her like she thinks you do! You’ll just throw her away once you find another girl to use!”

“Is that really what you think of me, Lily?” James’ eyes burned into mine. I could practically _feel_ my sockets smoldering from the heat in his stare. “You think I _use_ girls? Sure, I’m not the best guy around, or at least I wasn’t. But I just find it difficult to commit to any other girl! If it was you, I would be totally different! But that’s the problem. Every girl I date, I date because I want to _forget you_. You probably don’t realize how heard that is for me!”

“There you go again!” My voice rose to the highest degree. He was so—urg!—maddening! “It’s like all the rest of the rubbish you spew! ‘Oh Lily, I can’t seem to live without you, I just love you so much! It’s so impossible to forget you!’ Bull! I don’t believe a single—word—you—say!”

In my anger, I found it very difficult to keep my voice steady at the end. I wanted do badly to believe him, I really did. But his track record weighed heavily against him.

“Don’t say that!” he yelled back for the first time. James Potter had _never_ yelled at me. “Don’t say that I’m a liar! I can’t date any girls for more than a few weeks because eventually I start to notice how their hair isn’t that curly, beautiful, silky red I love so much! Their eyes aren’t that wonderful shape, or that dazzling green! Those lips I kiss, their just not as delicate looking at yours! They’re not as _beautiful_ as you are, Lily! Don’t shake your head and pretend that you can’t tell I’m serious, because you know I am! _I love you,_ why won’t you trust me? Are you determined to make me unhappy? To hurt me? I didn’t date Angela just to get over you, Lils; I did it to make you jealous! And it worked, you know it did! Come on, Lily, give me a chance!”

Shaking my head, I choked out “This meeting is finished.” I gathered my books in my arms and ran from the room so he wouldn’t see my tears.

*~~*

Later that night, when I was in bed, his words came back to me. I could picture his torn face perfectly in my head, and I knew that I might as well have killed him for what I said. 

_Their not as beautiful as you are…_

He thought I was beautiful. 

No he didn’t, it was all just part of that evil plan to humiliate me, mock me. Just part of the plot to show that James Potter could get anything he wanted, like some spoiled little child. He _was_ a child! I wasn’t beautiful, or even pretty. I was just Lily! Nothing special about that! At least, unless I was some sort of alien life form! 

He had that insane way of manipulating people so that they twisted themselves around his not-so-little finger. It had annoyed me since I’d even heard of James. He had gone and made a whole group of people he thought were ‘worthy’ as I’d put it back in First Year. Those damned Marauders! But now, they weren’t really the Marauders. They hadn’t pulled a prank all year, hadn’t received many detentions, and one of them was now a Head Boy. And I definitely hated that Head Boy, no way did I feel even the slightest bit of remorse for what I’d said, or ever said, to him. James needed to know that some girls just wouldn’t swoon over him!

But then again, he’d seemed so sweet for so long. Was it possible it was all a terrible act? Had he really been just stringing me along, waiting for my defenses to drop so he could swoop in and slowly ruin my life? Somehow, it seemed foolish, stupid even, to think something like that. Who sat around all day, plotting the downfall of people? I could come up with at least one person, though he didn’t exactly consider the people he attacked _human_.

Lord Voldemort.

It was terrible that he was doing this stuff. Just yesterday the paper had said that a whole muggle town was massacred. All those people were dead or being killed. Some of them might’ve been forced to do terrible things under curses, or jinxes. It wasn’t fair!

When I was younger and I found out that I had magic in me, I’d thought it was the best thing ever! That magic was pure, that it could be used for great things, and that I would use it to make the world amazing. Severus had never really told me about all the bad things, or people, that went with magic. Sure, I knew about dementors, and that some wizards were bad and went to Azkaban. But I was so young, I thought that was it. I didn’t think there would be a threat hanging over my head for all of eternity. I didn’t think I’d be able to die at the hands of some raving mad psychopath.

As I lay in my bed, my life took a turn for the worse, more serious side of me. I was seventeen, for Merlin’s sake! I couldn’t act like a child forever.

James seemed to mature now, except for every now and then when he’d relapse into the young boy he had been. I didn’t care about that shocked, wounded face that kept popping up in my head like a shadow. It never left me. 

It didn’t hurt as much that I’d caused James all this emotional pain. I didn’t even care!

So if I didn’t care about him, why was my heart thudding in my chest at the very thought of him?

*~~*

“Listen to this,” Tiff said when the post arrived. She held a newly printed issue of _The Wizard Gazette_ in her hands. “It’s just so horrible! ‘In the early hours of yesterday morning, the daughter of two Muggles arrived at her home to see that her parents had been brutally murdered. The girl, Celestina Warnickson, age 18, ran up the stairs to find younger brother, Ted, huddled in a corner, barely alive. Ted and his parents were the victims of a shocking werewolf murder case that is sure to baffle Aurors and muggle policemen alike.’” Tiff stopped reading there, shaking her head in horror.

“It’s getting worse,” Celina told us. “Werewolves? Attacking a whole family of _muggles_ on _accident_? I don’t believe it!”

“They don’t say it was an accident, Lina, they said it was _murder_!” Paige informed her. Celina glared from the paper she was reading. _The Daily Prophet_ was a Ministry funded paper, supposedly ‘giving the new as it is’ or at least that was their slogan. 

“But this is the trash that most people are reading. _The Prophet_ says that the werewolf murder was an accident. That a werewolf just wandered into a home and mutilated a few bodies, biting the youngest child so that he was in pain for nine hours before he finally died. _Nine hours!_ It’s, it’s horrid!”

Tiff went back to scanning her paper, looking for more information. Celina looked at _her_ paper with a disgusted face. She reported “Nine muggles murdered in their homes in the past week, all mutilated by a werewolf or _werewolves_. They’ve found the body of Grimmaulda Simpson in her home. She’s an Auror, that woman! She’s been investigating this ‘Voldemort’ person. Can you guess who killed _her_? And another wizard, Kerry Chaps, was killed. Apparently he was involved in _gang activites_ but I don’t believe a word.”

“How could they be trying to hush this up?” Paige asked unbelievingly. She turned to me to make a comment, and noticed that my head was turned in the direction of Angela and the Marauders—namely James. He was sort of whispering something to her while his friends pretended to talk amongst themselves. I could see Angela’s face from where I sat, and it steadily got darker and darker. “Lily? What are you staring at Angela for?”

“Do you see her expression?” I asked in an angry voice. “He’s breaking up with her. Merlin’s pants, I _knew_ this would happen! I just knew it!”

“Poor Angie,” Tiff said sympathetically. “She’s going to be heartbroken.”

At that moment, Angela’s face contorted with sheer depression. Her grey eyes seemed to overflow with tears, and she got up from the bench she shared with James in a hurry, nearly tripping. By now, she’d attracted a lot of attention in the Great Hall, and those who saw her began laughing. Now tears of shame came out as well as grief. Nothing was going right in the world.

Angela started running out of the Hall, and on instinct Tiff began to rise from her seat. She hated to see any of us in pain, and Angela’s seemed too big for her alone. I got up with her, and we raced after Angela together. 

“Angela!” Tiff yelled after her when we’d left the room of evil, poorly behaved monsters in the Great Hall. “Angie, wait up!”

But that made Angela run even faster, like she was trying to run away from _us_. 

We finally caught up with her as she went into the bathroom that no girl in history had voluntarily entered since… _she_ had come along.

Moaning Myrtle had haunted that particular girl’s loo since I’d been at Hogwarts. She was always moping about, talking about how cruel life had been to her, how she hated the world, blah, blah, blah. Her hair was lank, her eyes framed with round glasses, although they didn’t suit her as they did James. It seemed like every part of her was a little, er, _strange_.

I remembered the first time I met Myrtle. I had to go so badly. I would be late to Charms if I backtracked and went to the loo near the Great Hall, and despite the older girls’ warning to _never_ go into that bathroom, I figured what could happen? I’d fall in?

So I entered the dreaded toilet, pulling Celina in with me—she’d been pulling on my arm, begging me to go to any other loo and risk the detention I would get for being late. Celina shrieked in fear, and I had to smack her upside the head to shut her up. Unfortunately, her yells caught the attention of an ugly ghost, who looked to be maybe three years older than I was at the time.

“ _What do you want?”_ She’d asked in a terrifyingly hateful voice. “ _Come to make fun of poor Myrtle again, are you?”_

As a small First Year, I should’ve been terribly frightened, and at first I was. But then the urge to go overpowered my fear. I was Lily Evans, and I had to pee! No ghost was going to prevent that! I pushed past her, feeling the unpleasant icy shiver that came with such an action, and did my business. When I came out, Celina had fled the bathroom, and Myrtle was sitting on a sink glumly—not an all together different look for her.

“ _I hope you’re happy, Lily Evans, now everyone’s going to come in here! I’ll haunt you the rest of you’re days if you ever come again, you worthless pile of scum!”_ I realized that all she wanted was some peace, and as a ghost, that had to be difficult. When I left the bathroom and went to my class and told my tiny professor that I’d been trapped in a girl’s toilet by Moaning Myrtle, and that she was a horrible, mean, evil ghost. Which she was, but even though she’d cursed my soul on the way out, I thought she deserved _something_. The entire class had listened to my words, and since Celina had left there was nobody to contradict me. Flitwick just told me to stay out of that particular bathroom and take a seat. He’d always been my favorite teacher.

When I entered for a second time, this time with Tiff, Myrtle was perched on top of a stall, staring down at the person inside—Angela.

“Cry your pretty eyes out, girlie, the tears won’t help the fact that you’re now the laughing stock of the entire school!” Myrtle spoke in a strange whisper, like she was desperately trying to freak poor Angela out. Angie didn’t say anything, and started sobbing loudly. 

Myrtle’s head snapped in our direction when the door slammed closed. Her eyes met mine, and she swooped down to cross my path. “ _You_ again! I thought I told you that—!”

“Yes, yes,” I interrupted her wearily. “You’ll haunt me for the rest of my days, now move it!” I took a vicious swipe at her in my anger, and she immediately started weeping uncontrollably, though it was impossible for tears to run down her silvery, translucent cheeks. She moved aside, though she continued to theoretically shoot lightening from her eyes in an attempt to scare me.

“Angela?” Tiff called out tenderly. “Angie, come out and talk to us!”

“No! I’m not talking while _she’s_ around.” I thought she meant the evil ghost beside me.

“Myrtle, beat it--,”

“Not her, _you_!” Angela’s voice had a sort of fury in it, something I’d never heard. It chilled me to the bone, and Tiff nodded. A signal that meant ‘get out or I’ll make you leave’. Angela’s pain was killing Tiff, and she wanted to do _something_ about it. Stupid mother hen.

I left with a huff, and as I closed the door, I could hear Angela’s stall door opening, and I looked back to see her fling her arms around Tiff. She was whispering consoling words when the door shut. 

And who did I meet outside the doorway—more like smack into—but her dumper, James King of the Arses Potter.

“Evans, is she all right, I mean--?”

“Shut up, Potter.” I growled. It was only the morning and already I had no patience left today, having left the Great Hall once again without breakfast and then shunned from the girl’s toilet by one of my former best friend. Seventh Year was turning out quite well. “I don’t feel like dealing with your babble, or even your big head. It’s your fault she’s like this, so don’t pretend you’re sorry in the least bit.”

“Lily, she’s a _stalker_ , seriously, how long could that last?” I didn’t care if James had a point, even if it was a rather good one.

“I know you were _using_ her, Potter, no matter what you say!”

“Well it’s the first time!”

“Does it matter?” I asked, my voice quiet. “You still did it, and to my _best friend_. James, I thought even _you_ couldn’t do that. You knew how much she liked you, she practically worshipped the ground you walk on, and you just threw her away, like every other girl. She came into our dorm after snogging you so much her lips were swollen, and said that you were in love!”

“People toss the word around a lot, it doesn’t count—,”

“Again, doesn’t matter. You led her on, and then you just let her crash!”

“You were going to do the same thing!” he burst out. I was startled, and staggered back a few paces. I’d _never_ seen him this angry, in all my years around him—yes, all six. “You were going to lead Aubrey on and then let him crash! So quit being all self-righteous, because you know it.”

“Bertram didn’t like me nearly as much as Angela liked you! Besides, you promptly squashed that plan before I’d been with him an hour!”

“Aha! But you were planning you use him to get me jealous, weren’t you?”

Caught up in the conversation, I said thoughtlessly “Yes, but--!”

“Wait, what?” James asked in a good imitation of Angela. Unfortunately, it wasn’t an imitation. He was truly confused about what I’d just said. Then I realized why.

“Oh my Merlin, no James, that’s not what I meant, I misspoke!” But he was already grinning like Snape had announced he was dying. “James, don’t take what I just said seriously, I haven’t eaten and I’m talking rubbish right now, really, my brain just dropped out my butt, I don’t even think I’m thinking!”

But the grin stayed.

“You were…trying to get _me_ …jealous.” It wasn’t a question; it was a fact. Well, no need to hide it now, he’d never let me forget it.

“Erm, yes, I was.” I spoke hurriedly so that he wouldn’t get the chance to interrupt. “But purely for the sake that I didn’t like you dating Angela.”

“Because you didn’t want me to date _her_ or you didn’t want me to date _anyone_?” It was a trick question. Either way, he’d twist it so that I ‘loved’ him.

“Well, anyone, but only because I don’t think any girl deserved that kind of--!” Oh, Merlin’s pants, it was too late.

“You like me!” he yelled, and luckily the rest of the world was still eating. “You really do, and you know it, but you’re in denial!”

“Don’t be ridiculous, James, I hate you’re very being, but I don’t--!”

“I stopped paying attention to you for maybe a week or two, and you just couldn’t stand it!” He gasped. “Oh, you _like_ the attention I give you!”

“Don’t be thick, that’s utterly--!” This time I stopped of my own accord. Oh my goodness.

He was right.

Was that sick or what? I enjoyed the attention he gave me, but I pretended not to because I thought it would lead to feelings and a terrible relationship. I enjoyed his attention. Oh dear Merlin, God, Allah, and Buddha, what was wrong with me? Was there even a small possibility that I liked him back? Maybe that was what my heart was saying!

Hold up, Lily, your heart doesn’t speak, it beats. So, if that was the case, who did it beat for, if anyone?

“Lily? Evans? Hello, is something wrong?” James was waving a hand in front of my face. Apparently I’d spaced out thinking. He suddenly stopped when I blinked and started looking at him, and he leapt back. “You’re not going to slap me again, are you? Because that _kills_. Seriously, Lily, you’ve got a mean backhand.”

Something about the way he said my name stirred my stomach. Like, I don’t know, I might compare it to butterflies. Wait, _butterflies_? That’s what happened when I was nervous!

“James, wait!” I called to him as he continued to back away. “Say that again!”

“You’ve got a mean backhand?” he asked for a confirmation. I shook my head. “That kills? Seriously Lily?”

The butterflies were back. I could hear people leaving the Great Hall. I turned on my heel and sprinted to Defense Against the Dark Arts, hoping to escape the epiphany I’d just had. I ran into Paige and Celina on my way and they asked about Angela.

“Who? Oh yeah, her.” My heart was thumping in my chest. Now that I knew I wanted to see him again. “She kind of kicked me out of the loo she was in because she didn’t want to talk to me. She’s probably still with Tiff now, you know how she gets.”

They nodded, and when we took seats in DADA we saved two for Angela and Tiff near the aisle. I was on the far end so that Angela wouldn’t be able to glare at me without looking past Tiff, Celina, and Paige. James entered with his usual bunch of dopes, but they weren’t their happy selves anymore. Lupin looked the most upset, and I thought back on what Snape had once told me. It was silly, but their entire group looked disturbed. Perhaps they had hearts after all. 

He did have _really_ nice hair. And those eyes, what a nice shade of hazel. Really, if your eyes can’t choose between brown and gold, it’s good to have his color of hazel. But that hair! And his arms were so…strong. I could see it through his robes. Dear Merlin, help me!

Professor Rosker started saying something about werewolves, probably due to what had been in the paper that morning. I wasn’t sure if he’d read _The Prophet_ or _The Wizard Gazette_ , but he was warning us about the danger of werewolves, and how they shouldn’t be trusted, no matter what they were like before the full moon. He seemed to avoid making eye contact with Remus, but he stared down the rest of the Marauders. What was his deal?

Again, I remembered Snape telling me his suspicions about Remus. It wasn’t possible though, was it? 


	6. Chapter Six

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Six_

_I keep thinkin of that sparkle in your eyes_  
Is it a light from the angels, or your devil deep inside?  
What about the way you say you love me all the time?  
Are you liftin’ me up to heaven just to drop me down the line? 

_P!nk, Heartbreak_

**A/N: I told you guys, I wrote enough in one chapter to make three, so I split them, so there won't be a long wait for the next chapter either. Enjoy, and thanks to my beta, harry_ginny17!**

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The weekend in Hogsmead came, and as we were preparing to go out into the cold October winds, Celina announced,

“I’m going to be around with Sirius Black for a while.” We stared. “I’m er, kind of, um, well--,”

“Spit it out,” Paige ordered. She and Celina were never one to beat around the bush, and it was worrying every one, and annoying us.

“I’m going to Hogsmead with Sirius.”

That statement was followed by awkward silence and some stammering from Angela, who was not speaking to me. Celina continued “It’s really nothing, it’s just that he’s actually really nice, and cute, and funny, and handsome, and a _tres, tres_ good kisser, and he’s only slightly dreamy, and he treats me like a princess, and--,”

“Enough already! Jeez, I’m ready to throw myself off the Astronomy Tower here!? Paige was smiling though, and so was everyone else, except for Angela. “Go ahead, hang with the great buffoon, we’ll be here when you want us back.”

“Thanks guys.” She looked uncertainly at Angela, who hadn’t spoken a word about what had happened, nor had Tiff, at her request. Angela looked like she could kill Celina. “Erm, what should I wear?”

Only then did we realize she was standing in her bra and knickers. Paige, Tiff, and I leapt into action. Normally I would protest helping them pick out clothes, but I myself was going to ask for help and decided it would look less strange if Celina needed it too. She _was_ our own personal fashion designer.

We raided Celina’s trunk. She had the most magnificent clothes! We finally chose a nice pair of butt-hugging jeans that we knew Sirius would like. On top, we decided on a white camisole underneath a pretty sky blue quarter sleeve shirt that accented her eyes perfectly. They really stood out more than usual. On her feet, we put on some little black ballet flats. She did her own make up, she was just a natural at that, and Tiff did her hair, pulling back the first two layers of her silvery blonde locks and clipping it in the back. We got her some nice silver earrings, and _voila!_ She was even more beautiful as before, if that was possible!

“Oh Celina, he’s going to be all over you!? Tiff only said this because she knew Celina would like it. She smiled at the ‘compliment’ and turned to me, still clad in my uniform.

“Um, Lils, you’re not really going to wear _that,_ , are you” I shrugged, pretending that I hadn’t anticipated some help in the wardrobe department. “Girls! We have a crisis on our hands! Move, move, move!” She sounded like a bloody general!

Every one, again, except Angela, started running about the room. Someone, I think it was Tiff, sat me down in a chair and started wrestling with my hair, which was like a giant, red octopus. Paige was rifling through the contents of my trunk while Celina went hunting for earrings in Paige’s trunk. While Tiff was doing my makeup, Paige said, “We’ve got nothing to work with here! We’re going to have to borrow some things. Celina, never look in Lily’s clothing, it’ll only make you scream.”

I pouted for a bit, which only made it easier for Tiff to apply some simple pink lippy on me. I was amazed at how it brought out my eyes. What were once just big, green orbs of weirdness were now pretty emeralds. Maybe James had a point about my eyes.

Eventually, they took another pair of Celina’s butt-huggers and made me try them on. It was amazing, they fit! Maybe I wasn’t as bodacious as I’d been led to believe. There was hope after all!

Paige turned to Angela absently. “Angie, can we borrow that nice brown short sleeved T-shirt for Lily?”

Her spine stiffened. “No.”

Everyone stopped bustling about the room and turned to look at her. Paige especially. “What do you mean, ‘no’?” She had always been very forward.

“I mean no! No means no, and if you wanted to borrow my shirt for her, she shouldn’t have stolen my boyfriend! No!”

Tiff gave a great sigh. “Angela, plenty of boys are basically queuing up to date you! You could have anyone in this whole school…well, except him, but we all know that James has eyes only for Lily. You were basically _asking_ him to hurt you!”

Angela’s eyes welled up, and she started to sob. Tiff, the reason for the newest batch of tears, wrapped her arms around Angela. She sobbed into her shoulder and it nearly killed me that I was the real reason.

“I think I can just wear the one in my trunk and an off-white cardigan.” I turned to my friends awkwardly, trying desperately not to look at my depressed friend. “Is that all right.?”

“Of course it is, Lily.” They each threw me a sympathetic glance and rushed Celina out the door. We wished her luck, and she left. Tiff decided to stay behind for a while to calm Angela down, and Paige and I left without them.

“Do I look alright?” I asked.

“Gasp! Lily cares about her appearance!” Paige wiped a pretend tear from her eye. “I’m so proud!”

I pushed her playfully, and she pushed me right back, harder. I just couldn’t joke around with Paige like I did with the rest of the group. Not only was she occasionally mean and forward, but Paige was a very violent person.

We left Hogwarts, and on the way to Hogsmead we talked about what Paige called the Bertram Incident,

“Do you think he’s going to be here” I asked. “More importantly: You don’t think he’s bringing someone else, do you?

“You’re not _that_ easy to forget, Lily. I’m sure he won’t even be here, he’ll be so depressed by the loss of your beauty.”

We immediately went into Honeydukes to buy some sweets for the winter. As we were going up to pay, I noticed Selena Kiss glaring at me from a corner, wearing her Slytherin scarf like a medal. I glared back, although I hadn’t worn anything Gryffindor.

“Do you see what Selena is doing to me? She’s trying to kill me via stare--!” A boy poked Paige in the back, interrupting my statement.

“Hey, um, Paige.” Oh geese. It was Josh Bell, Paige’s ex boyfriend, the boring one. “I was just wondering if, I don’t know, maybe you’d like to come for a drink with me?”

Paige looked surprised that Josh remembered her. Not everyone forgets as easily as her. “Well, I was kind of going to spend the day with Lily, since Angela isn’t speaking to us, Tiff is trying to make her see the light, and Celina is off with Sirius Black.” But she looked like she really wanted to go.

“Paige, it’s okay,” I said, trying my best to stop my voice from breaking. “I’ll be fine, go with Josh. I don’t need a keeper.”

She smiled at me, and went off with Josh to have a butterbeer. Luck was on her side today. Too bad I’d never had much luck.

I left Honeydukes and started wandering around. A few Slytherin’s started looking at me funny, like they were anticipating something, perhaps an outburst of rage. If that was what they wanted, they would be sorely disappointed. I just kept on walking, looking at the icy windows of the shops. I heard a small chuckle behind me when I slipped on some black ice from the snowstorm.

“Do you have a problem?” I asked in a snippy voice. I didn’t take kindly to being laughed at.

The boy who had chuckled was tall and muscular. I recognized him as a Seventh Year Slytherin from Hogwarts, Derek Jones. He was one of the students everyone thought would become a Death Eater--a follower of Voldemort--as soon as they graduated, if not before. And he was _laughing_ at me!

“I just enjoy watching Gryffindor’s fall on their--,”

“Do you? Do you really?” I asked him angrily now. Not only was he insulting me, but everyone in my house! “Cause I think it’s funnier when _Slytherin’s_ fall on their--!”

“Evans?” another voice asked. “You weren’t really picking on a worthless Slytherin, were you? If they can’t even stay in the air on a broomstick, their less coordinated on the ground.” James confused me for a minute before I realized that Derek, a Slytherin Chaser, had slipped off his broomstick in the Championship Quidditch game last year, helping his team lose for the third year in a row to Gryffindor. Jones growled.

“I wouldn’t have slipped, Potter, if your friend in the stands hadn’t jinxed me!”

James laughed at the accusation of cheating, which was normally a very serious matter to the players. “Please, Jones. Sirius is on the team, Remus was in the Hospital Wing that day, and Peter isn’t exactly the best at magic, now is he?”

Derek looked like he was about to tackle James, so I stepped between them. “James, seriously, I wasn’t _picking_ on him! I slipped on a bit of ice, and he laughed, and I started fighting with him, but you don’t need to get into this--!”

“You slipped?” James asked urgently. “Are you okay? Did you break something?”

“ _Did you break something?_ ” Derek mocked James. “Who cares about a filthy _Mudblood_ like her anyway?”

“Don’t call her that!” James’ wand was in his hand, though he couldn’t point it at Derek without threatening me, as I was stuck between them. “Don’t talk about Lily like that!”

I was startled by his defense of me, and this time it wasn’t for show. It wasn’t because he wanted me to think he was this awesome, godly person; he was really upset. I walked closer to him and said in a soothing voice, “James, it’s okay. Really, I’ve been called that before. I don’t mind.”

His body became less rigid and his wand went back in his pocket. Derek sneered and started to walk away. Not before James could extract _some_ kind of revenge, though it wasn’t his usual ‘Meet me behind the pub and we can settle this like men’ revenge.

“Detention, Jones,” he said, his voice steely. “Five weeks, every night in McGonagall’s office, and you can go back to Hogwarts, since you’re not going to respect the Heads. Tell her I’ll talk to her when we get back to school.”

He started walking up the slope to Hogwarts, and James turned away from him in disgust. Derek was a real jerk. James turned back to me. “Are you alright?”

I smiled. “Someone calling me a Mudblood isn’t exactly a traumatizing experience, James.”

“I meant from when you slipped.”

“Oh.” I was surprised he actually remembered. “Um, well, I’m fine I guess. I didn’t even really fall; I caught myself on a ledge.”

“Good.” We continued to walk in silence. I was annoyingly aware of how flushed his cheeks looked in the cold. Could he see mine? Was it attractive? Merlin, Lily, pull it together! Most of Hogwarts was heading back up to the castle, and a lot of people had already entered the grounds. “Should we go into the Three Broomsticks? I think your group and the Marauders are in there.”

I nodded a response, and we entered the warm pub as I tried to ignore the many posters with a reward for any information on Lord Voldemort.  
Celina and Sirius were in a booth by themselves, holding hands. Celina was giggling about something, while Sirius grinned. Remus, Peter, Paige and Tiff were in another booth, talking and laughing. I hadn’t seen Angela the entire day, since I’d left the dorm, and I assumed she’d decided not to come since Tiff was here. I guessed that Paige had left Josh somewhere, even though they were supposed to get a drink. I also saw a few other people, one was Bertram Aubrey. Luckily, his head had been put right. Unluckily, for me, he was sitting and making kissy faces with Selena Kiss, the She Devil.

James saw me looking, and directed me towards the table with Tiff, Paige and his friends. We grabbed some chairs and ordered butterbeers.

“Lily!” Paige said happily when I sat down. “I didn’t expect to see you here!”

“Um, why?”

“Because Aubrey’s here with Selena, isn’t he?” She spoke like it was obvious, though it _clearly_ wasn’t.

“Paige, I’m not going to avoid a place just because Bertram is here with The Evil One,” I informed her, nose in the air. “I don’t need to. He’s a jerk anyway, and shouldn’t be in Ravenclaw. He belongs in Slytherin, with that conniving girlfriend of his!”

“Did you ever wonder,” Tiff asked. “Why Sandra Kiss is in Gryffindor and not Slytherin like Selena, when Sandra is clearly the more evil of the sisters?”

“Isn’t Sabrina Kiss in Ravenclaw though?” I asked. Sabrina was their slightly less evil Sixth Year sister.

“Yeah. Their cunning, brave, and intelligent.”

“Isn’t it interesting though, that out of the three none of them are in Hufflepuff?” I observed. We continued to stare at the oldest Kiss sister for a while, like studying her flirting habits would give us an insight into her devious mind.

“I can’t believe he accused the team of cheating!” Remus was saying, evidently upset. James must’ve been telling them about what Derek Jones had done, though I thought he’d left out that Derek had called me a Mudblood. “What a little piece of--,”

“There are ladies present, so watch the language!” Tiff interrupted. She was very sensitive about that sort of thing. Remus mouthed the word he was going to shout, and Tiff seemed okay with it. “Anyway Lils, I think you should go over there and give that little… _prat_ a piece of your mind. It was totally… _jerky_ to go to Hogsmead with Aubrey after he dumped you!” She was trying very hard not to swear herself in her anger.

“Yeah, well, since when has Selena ever done anything that didn’t annoy the entire population of the world?” I started to rise, and Paige pulled me back down with a thud and minor bruising of my gluteus maximus. “Calm those overactive hormones, Paige; I’m going to go pick up my butterbeer.”

“Um, Lily, could you possibly get mine?” James requested tentatively. “I’m kind of deep in discussion.” I glared at him, but went up to the bar.

Rosmerta, the curvy barmaid, was having a heated argument about whether or not all men belonged in a giant cage,

“I’m telling you, Sinera,” she told another woman at the bar, waving her index finger. “The world would be a better place without all these pigs around to pinch your bum without a single bit of warning!”

“Bullocks, Rosie!” Sinera insisted. “Men can be brutal, but my Charlie is something else, I swear!”

Rosmerta shook her head dejectedly and turned to me. “What can I get for you, dearie?”

“A friend of mine ordered two butterbeers,” I told her. “He already paid.”

“What name is the order under?” she asked me suspiciously.

“Er, James Potter.”

“Well then why didn’t he come himself, the bleeding idiot” Rosmerta didn’t sound angry, more disappointed. I’d frequently wondered about the kind of girls that fancied James, but I didn’t think that older women did! Good Merlin, was there _no one_ on the planet who didn’t find him entrancing? Apparently not! “I’d rather like to see _him_ again. Or his friends.”

“All of them?” I asked in amazement. Who in their right mind would want to see all four of the Marauders? At one time!?

“Well, not the small bloke,” she reasoned. Poor Peter, he was really a very sweet boy…except when he looked up Celina’s skirt; that was just perverted.

Rosmerta handed me a hot mug. James looked in her direction, and she gave him a quick wink while filling up a second. He lowered his head in embarrassment.

“Funny,” she mused. “Never used to blush when I gave him some attention. He’s quite handsome, that man. He you’re boyfriend?”

I had started to take a sip of my drink. I sputtered as I inhaled too much, nearly covering Rosmerta in spit. “Excuse me?” I nearly yelled.

“Well, I just assumed that since he was looking at you all love-sick,” Rosmerta trailed off as I met her eyes. Then she gasped. “You-you’re Lily!”

“Pardon?” I wasn’t exactly used to random people knowing who I was. Not many people do anyway.

“Whenever he comes up to get a drink, he asks me if I’ve seen this beautiful girl with curly red hair and big, dazzling emerald eyes.” My face seemed to have gone a permanent shade of red. “Then when I say I haven’t, he gets this terrible look. And one time he went on and on about you, Lily Evans, and how you were so wonderful, and witty, and gorgeous. And he told me you’d rejected him for the first time. Mind you, it was about two years ago. But I haven’t forgotten! No I haven’t! Poor boy looked so upset.” Rosmerta paused from her long speech. “You should be ashamed of yourself!”

“What?”

“He comes in here almost every school trip, looking so unhappy because you’ve gone and yelled at him again! How could you do that to such a sweet lad?”

I nearly choked. “Sweet? Have they let you out of the mad house too early? James Potter is in no way _sweet!_ He’s enough to drive a person barmy!” A sweet James, nearly impossible. There was no way on earth that he could ever be sweet! Not in this life!

“You should hear the way he goes on about how lovely you are,” she whispered. Just then, Selena Kiss elbowed me in the ribs.

“Excuse me, bar lady, my _boyfriend,”_ she threw the word at me, “and I ordered some drinks five minutes ago! Where are they?”

“Hey bitch, it’s called getting off your lazy arse and coming to get them yourself!” Rosmerta grabbed two mugs of firewhiskey and spit in each of them. “Enjoy, Lady Arse!” Selena left the mugs on the counter top and began walking back to her table.

“Hey Kiss!” I yelled out. “Firewhiskey is illegal to anyone under seventeen. And I don’t believe _you’re_ of age until November. Detention, two nights. And,” I added as she began to protest. “It doesn’t matter that you didn’t actually drink them. You ordered them, and that’s all I need.”

She snarled at me angrily, then resumed her kissy faces with Bertram. Was he really that thick? I strode back to my table with the drinks.

“What were you and Rosmerta talking about for so long?” James asked, falsely casual. I could see by the way his eyes were darting from my face to Rosmerta that he was actually very concerned.

“Oh, we just had some things to talk about,” I responded, equally casual. I was totally going to tease him about it, who could resist such a marvelous opportunity? “Government, boys, that sort of rubbish.”

His eyes widened when I mentioned boys. “Erm, any boys in particular?”

“Nope.” I met his gaze and dropped the subject, turning to Paige and asking, “What are you writing on that ridiculous clipboard?”

“First of all,” Paige responded, glaring at me. “It is _not_ ridiculous! Second, you’re flirting habits, as they seem to work remarkably well on the opposite sex.”

“Flirting?” I asked, trying to see her notes. “I wasn’t flirting at all today!”

Paige gave me a meaningful stare, and her eyes went from James to me. We had everyone’s attention now, though no one else had seen the eye movement…I hoped. “Well, where did you leave Josh? I thought you two were going to go get drunk.”

Her eyes went very cold. “Josh had to go back to Hogwarts to finish up some homework. And we were never going to get drunk! Just because we’re of age! Gosh Lily, you’re such a--sorry Tiff.” Much like me, she put her nose in the air.

Tiff knew what was happening. “Uh, why don’t I take my mad friends to Honeydukes so we can do some Halloween sweet shopping.” It wasn’t a suggestion. She really wanted us out of the public eye so that when we tried to murder the other, there would be fewer witnesses.

She pulled us away from the Marauders and Celina, who was now in major lip-lock mode with Sirius. My stomach turned just seeing them.

Tiff pulled Paige and me all the way back up to the school. She hadn’t gone to Honeydukes yet, but Paige and I had. Apparently, that was all that mattered. The entire way back though, Tiff lectured us on responsibility,

“I can’t believe either of you would be nutty enough to drop hints like that _right_ in front of James!” she shouted, in that mother hen way. “It’s like you’ve taken leave of your senses! You’re best friends attempting to sabotage each other! And you!” Tiff turned on me fiercely. “I hope you know that Angela is in our dorm room crying her eyes out because of the boy you were _flirting with!”_

“For the last time, I was not _flirting_ , I was merely teasing. There’s a rather large difference!”

“No, Lily Evans, you were flirting like the dickens!” She sighed. “Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but you know the effect you have on James! Why push it now, when you’re friend is in a bed of pain?”

I didn’t answer, but headed straight up to the castle. This was almost the worst day of my life. Not only did I actually feel terrible about making James miserable every Saturday when I refused to go to Hogsmead with him, but because I couldn’t help but feel affection towards him. He’d called me lovely! I could hardly contain my scream of glee, but managed to subdue it with a picture of poor Angela, sobbing her eyes out and blaming me for it all. 


	7. Chapter Seven

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Seven_

_Do you ever think when you're all alone_  
All that we can be, where this thing can go?  
Am I crazy or falling in love?  
Is it real or just another crush? __

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?  
Are you holding back like the way I do?  
'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away  
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy  
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy

David Archuleta, Crush

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

When the post came the next morning, a crisp white envelope was being carried by a school owl. I didn’t recognize the neat script on the outside, though it looked like someone had had a spasm when writing ‘Hogwarts’ in the address.

“What’s that?” Celina asked. I never got mail, and I was actually quite shocked. Coming from a Muggle family did have its downers, especially when it was exceedingly difficult to contact your family, as they did not have any post owls handy. “Have you gotten in trouble again?”

“I’ve only gotten two warnings from the Ministry,” I reminded her rather stiffly. The first few years as a witch, I’d found it dreadfully tricky to refrain from using magic, or practicing over the summer holidays. The first time, I’d attempted to use a Straightening Charm to tame my hair—the result was burned hair and a warning from the Ministry. The second time, I’d been home for Christmas and tried to help Dad cook. I won’t even go into details about how _that_ turned out….

“Open it!” Celina demanded eagerly. 

I ripped it open and pulled out the card inside. Then I groaned.

“What’s wrong?” Tiff asked me. Holding the card at arm’s length, I read

_To Miss Lily Evans,_ ‘Miss’, never a good start. Written in huge, cursive letters were the words ‘Save the Date!’ 

“Dammit!” I yelled. A few people looked around at me, but most were too absorbed in their eggs and bacon to care. 

“Lils, what’s wrong?” Paige asked, taking out that horrifying clipboard to record my response. I showed everyone the card, and Paige began furiously scribbling away.

“Don’t you just hate that?” I asked them. “If they send out one of these almost nine months in advance it’s nearly impossible to say you can’t go! Who in Merlin’s pants makes plans nine months ahead? It’s like a death trap! I am condemned to go to my sister’s wedding.”

Tiff rubbed my arm consolingly, and Celina said soothing words about what an arrogant prick my sister, Petunia Evans, was, and how her fiancée was just as bad—although she used more colorful words about him than Petunia, most about how very large he was.

Vernon Dursley was not the type of man any woman with a normal, functioning brain would ever _consider_ marrying…no wonder my sister loved him! First of all, he always smelled like beef, which was disgusting. In fact, I believed it was the reason I could no longer eat meat. Second of all, he was so large, his finger looked like sausages. My dog had once tried to nibble on his hand, because poor Fido thought his fingers were little links. After tasting Vernon though, Fido died because he had too much fat in his body (Dad said it was because he was old, but I knew it was all Vernon’s fault). Thirdly, Vernon was exceptionally dull and I wanted his hit him over the head any time words came out of his huge mouth. And fourthly, he was mean. That just about described Vernon Dursley.

“Wait, do you have to go alone?” Tiff asked in a moment of sudden brilliance. “Because maybe you can suffer with one of us!”

“Oh yes, because suffering through Petunia Evans’ wedding is exactly what I want to do during my summer holiday.” Paige turned to me. “Sorry Lily, I won’t and can’t go. Remember, Mum’s signed me up for more classes this summer.”

“But Paige, you always add a sense of foolishness to everything!” I complained. “I’m going to need someone funny to get me through!”

“I could go,” a voice a few seats down from me suggested. My hands automatically turned into fists, but I slowly contained my rage. “I mean, you wouldn’t have to talk to me, but I could make funny comments. Come on, Lily, you _know_ I’m funny.”

“Actually Potter,” I said in just a slightly snippy tone. “I was under the impression you were just foolish.” 

I did not realize that this factor was exactly why I’d asked Paige to come. Crap, there was no way to win with him!

“You don’t have to be rude, it was just a suggestion.” James Potter was seriously commenting on the way _I_ behaved! Oh, that was rich. 

Double crap, it _was_ just a suggestion. Maybe it was so that he could be alone with me, but it was still very *gulp* sweet. Perhaps Rosmerta was right…

“Er, sorry,” I think my lips formed these words without checking in with my brain. “I’m, erm, taking Celina.”

“You are?” she asked suspiciously, afraid to get her hopes up. She loved weddings, and I thought it would make her happy to get a nice Muggle dress—her favorite kind—and get all made-up. However, the way things were going with Sirius, she would not be able to flirt with other guys without instantly feeling guilty. 

I nodded my head. “Yes, you are. I thought you’d enjoy getting dressed up. You always do.” My tone might’ve been polite and light, but my eyes were daring her to refuse and leave me with James for the _joyous_ occasion. 

“Okay then, I’ll go with Remus.” James spoke very carelessly, very easily. Like he didn’t know he was totally catching me off guard. Of course Remus would be invited, he was my neighbor. Why did Petunia do this? I grabbed the envelope from Remus’ hands. It too had something like a seizure in the Hogwarts address. Petunia obviously had difficulty writing it, as it was too ‘freakish’ for her. Git.

“Oh, you will, will you?” I asked him, my voice rising. Tiff eyed me warily, and I took a deep, calming breath. It was getting harder to control my temper. “Okay, whatever. I guess I can’t stop you.”

Maybe I said this because I really couldn’t, but in the back of my mind I knew it was because I didn’t want to. In my mind’s eye, I could just see James in a tux, and my mouth was dry because of it. Why did he have to be so gorgeous, why?

I decided to leave the conversation there, finished my toast, and headed off to Charms. 

*~~*

“Now class,” Professor Flitwick was squeaking. “I want you all to try a Summoning Charm, but with a twist. You’ll have to concentrate hard--,”

The class groaned, but I straightened in my chair. Charms was my best subject, aside from Potions. And, it was one of my favorites. I really liked that it was so complex and compelling. _And_ Flitwick said I had a natural ability, which made me smile. I was going to try extremely hard for whatever twist Flitwick was trying.

“You will have to Summon an item from the Quidditch pitch, with another person’s wand.”

Now I groaned with everyone else. Someone was going to be using my wand? I was going to be using someone else’s? Gah, why did I have to do something so stupid? Everyone knew that someone couldn’t use a borrowed wand! It wouldn’t work properly for them! Wait, maybe only I knew that…

I automatically turned to Celina, who was sitting next to me, but she had already traded with Paige. Tiff had swapped her wand with Angela. Why was this world so complicated and unfair? Why did my group _have_ to have an odd number of people? I told you I didn’t possess _any_ luck at all!

I looked about the room wildly, trying to find someone to switch with. Flitwick cleared his voice and said “Has everyone got a partner?”

I raised my hand saying “No sir, not me” at the same time James did. I turned to stare at him, and he stared right back. Great, life could not be anymore ironic.

“Potter, Evans, trade wands. And please don’t start fighting; I’m not sure I have the patience this morning.” That made two of us. Every single teacher in the school knew about the famous James/Lily conflict. The Hogwarts gossip wheel always turned, and sometimes the teachers were in on it as well. Plus, they had to talk about _something_ in the teacher’s lounge! 

I could barely bring myself to hand over my precious wand, the very instrument that made glorious magic come to life. Then I remembered the Death Eaters and Voldemort. It was easier to give it to James after that. What was he going to do, snap it? I think not! He would get in more trouble than ever, and nobody would risk that.

When he handed me his wand, our hands touched. I felt a small tingle on the part of my index finger that had touched his warm palm. At first I thought I was just getting sick. But I’d felt the same thing when I liked Remus, back in the beginning of the year. Now though, the feeling was intensified, spreading through my body until I could barely stop myself from jumping up and snogging James in front of everyone. This was getting out of hand, this strange need for him. What would happen when it finally let loose? 

We walked down to the pitch. I could hear Tiff trying frantically to convince Angela that I wasn’t to blame. Too bad I was. As I walked with Paige and Celina, who were trying to block out all sound of Angela’s furious cries directed at me, I realized that there was another reason for not dating James. It would kill Angela. It was killing her now, knowing that he’d broken up with her because he couldn’t love her the way she loved him. 

I didn’t really believe Angela loved him. At seventeen, that was ridiculous. Yet another reason not to date James; he was just too young to claim love! It was physically impossible. 

His wand felt good in my hand. It was still warm from where he had held it. I could see small smudges from where he always put his fingers around the wood, curling nicely. I placed my fingers expertly on the smudges and found myself imagining that I was holding his hand, and not a piece of carved timber. My eyes snapped open as I heard him laughing, probably with one of the Marauders, behind me.

“I wonder why he’s laughing so much,” I murmured to Paige, thinking that she must have head it too. 

“Who?” she asked me, bewildered. I stared at her in shock. Could she really not have heard? Was I _that_ pathetically aware of him? It was all I could do to stop from turning my head and watching him walk; I wasn’t the most graceful person, and would probably trip over air. He had a nice laugh.

“Lily, who are you talking about?” Paige didn’t know how to drop a subject. 

“Oh, no one,” I lied quickly. “I was a little bit out of it.”

“Are you listening to Angela rant?” she inquired skeptically. “Because me and Celina have been trying to drown out her words. She has more experience talking though, and is quite expert at making herself heard.”

I really hadn’t been listening to her, but now that I focused, I could hear her easily. I could only guess she wanted me to listen, and feel horrible about being so appealing to the most beautiful boy in the school. 

But it wasn’t my fault! People liked who they liked, and you couldn’t force anyone to stop! It wasn’t like anger, where you could make a person see reason or apologize. It was like night. You couldn’t stop it from coming; you just had to deal with it.

I could be deep when I wanted to be. I heard someone calling my name, and came back to the real world. 

Celina was trying to get me to pay attention. Flitwick was explaining the instructions again, but I already had them memorized in my head. I wanted to see how James’s wand worked in my power. Would it work at all? Was that a sign that we just weren’t compatible? 

Part of me desperately hoped the bloody wand worked for me.

“You will be Summoning your wand back,” the tiny professor was saying. Great, new instructions. “One person will go to one end of the field, the other to the opposite. You won’t be able to see each other, and therefore you will not be able to focus on the destination of you’re wand, making it more difficult to perform the spell. As Seventh Years, I expect everyone to be able to do this task by the end of the week.

“When I give the signal, both partners Summon their wand with the given one, and whoever gets theirs back will send up red sparks to show they have completed the task. Is everyone ready?” Students began mumbling a response, but before they could finish, Flitwick shouted “Go!”

I was prepared for it, and wanted to show that I could grasp the concept easily. I’d thought it would be very difficult with a borrowed wand, one that wasn’t taken by force. In fact, I was expecting it to be nearly impossible.

I was very wrong.

“Accio Lily’s wand!” I yelled, waving James’s wand. I decided it would be better if I did the spell out loud the first time. I couldn’t picture the place it would be, but I could see James holding my wand in my screwed up mind. I really did want it back, so I put a lot into the spell. Surprisingly, just as I finished my spell, his wand went zooming from my hand to the other end of the pitch. Seconds later, if that, my own wand returned to me. I supposed I’d done the spell right, which meant that James had to have done the spell at the exact same time as me. 

Confused, I sent sparks up with my wand. It was still warm from James’s hand, and I was reluctant to hold on too tightly. I wanted to keep his essence there as long as possible. It sounded stupid, and I couldn’t tell what my thinking was—I rarely could--but I did it anyway.

Flitwick came wobbling over as other pairs were still attempting to get their wands back. James and I had been the first, but Sirius and Remus got theirs shortly after. Peter was purple faced next to me, trying to Summon his wand from Alice Vance. I felt so badly for him, as he always struggled most in Charms than in any other subject. Alice was having just as much difficulty.

“This is your wand, Miss Evans,” Flitwick said, looking up to see my face. “But where is Mr. Potter’s?”

“In his hand,” I replied, confused. “Isn’t that where it’s supposed to be? He Summoned his at the same time I summoned mine.”

“Fascinating!” he squeaked. I didn’t find it all that enthralling, but I _was_ his favorite student. Maybe he just took a special interest in me. Or maybe I _did_ have a natural talent! The thought made me so happy that I didn’t mind when Angela started whispering behind my back to Tiff. Since Tiff was such a good person, she started shaking her head and scolding Angela in an undertone, but I was too happy to care about my former friend’s comments. 

We reluctantly left the cool outside breeze for the stuffy castle just as the bell rang for the next class. Flitwick said that everyone who hadn’t succeeded today was to practice, so I had no homework in Charms. Joy unbounded!

The rest of the day went by quickly. We were assigned an essay about werewolves in DADA, and a practice N.E.W.T. that had a built in timer so that you could see how long it took you. Muggle Studies was very basic; explain how a Muggle radio sent music and news to every other radio in the world. I already knew this, being Muggleborn, so I wasn’t all that concerned. I still had to work on a Potions essay on everything about Everlasting Elixirs (which, Slughorn confided, we were supposed to have learned _last_ year. Thank you, O Timely One.)

So, by Halloween night I was loaded with homework, and fully planned to spend the night doing my work while everyone else celebrated the holiday. I may have been loosening up, but there was no way I’d hand in an assignment late.

”Lily, really, must you be so geeky?” Paige was trying to coax me into joining everyone at the Halloween party after the feast. I used the excuse that I had loads of homework and patrolling. It was a Marauder party, though James wasn’t taking part. He’d decided that his Head duties were more important, and that I needed him around. Ha! Me, need him? Oh, that was hilarious…but true. 

Anyway, he said that Halloween was basically famous for trouble, so I’d need him to help. While I knew it was true, I absolutely hated admitting that I couldn’t do something by myself. And that I wanted some alone time with him, even if we didn’t talk at all. 

“I’ve got a job to do, Paige,” I reminded her. “You know what everyone gets like on Halloween.”

She sighed exasperatedly, and she, Celina, Tiff, and I walked to the Great Hall for the feast. Angela had gone down with some new Sixth Year friends, one of them including Fifth Year, Sandra Kiss, looking very smug about something. She’d been acting strangely in the dorm; never speaking to anyone, not even Tiff. She glared at everyone but me. She gave me a small, cold smile every time I looked at her, and it was getting extremely creepy.

“Welcome, students,” Professor Dumbledore greeted the hall. He was a tall, skinny, old wizard, with half-moon glasses and a crooked nose. His eyes were pale blue, and they seemed to be surveying everyone seated, like he could see into their souls. As Headmaster, his words were received with utter silence. Dumbledore had a presence that sort of demanded attention. “Happy Halloween, to one and all! Before we all tuck in, I’d like to give a small reminder that any House parties must be contained to the House’s Common Room, and _must_ end by eleven-thirty. Your Head of House _will_ be coming around to visit and make sure that any gathering is over. You have classes tomorrow,” he stared at the Marauders, sitting a few seats from me, with a knowing smile. I didn’t think he actually believed that the parties would end by half past eleven, nor did I think that any of the teachers would be checking. 

“With that happy aide memoire, please enjoy the feast!”

The food magically appeared, one of my favorite things about Hogwarts; magical food, what could be better? In front of us was pumpkin pie—a favorite of mine—assorted sweets, mashed potatoes, meats for those who ate it—and hadn’t been traumatized by Vernon-- and a whole number of other delicacies that I couldn’t even name. I was in heaven. The Halleluiah Chorus was playing in my head as I filled my plate. 

As we were eating, Celina said “What’s Angela doing with _Fifth Years_?”

“Actually, they’re Sixth Years, except for Sandra, who seems to think she’s above the whole year thing.” Paige and I shook our heads at Tiff’s words. That was so like Sandra. “But, Angela can hang out with whoever she likes. It’s not like she’s tied to us. No, she has her own free will, and can spend her time as she pleases.” There was something strained in Tiff’s voice, like she thought that Angela’s actions were in some way a betrayal to our small group. A small bit of me felt the same way, but I tried not to let it show.

I shrugged indifferently. “Whatever. Angela can do anything, apparently, so why care?” Tiff had always been the closest to Angela. She felt that she needed to be taken care of, and I could definitely see what she meant. Leave her alone for about two weeks, and she’s with a Kiss! Ew.

I started to shovel food in, knowing that by the time I got back from patrolling and into my dorm filled with candy, I would be starving. The desserts appeared shortly, and I stuffed my face with treacle tart, one of my favorite foods in the world. I briefly registered that James loved it too, then dismissed the thought because with it came the sudden longing to run my hand through his hair.

“I mean really, who even _likes_ Sandra Kiss?” Celina burst out. “I don’t even think her _sisters_ like her! And sisters always like each other.”

My head automatically went down to my plate, hiding my red face. Paige was the only one to notice, kind girl that she was, and she elbowed Celina slightly. Celina took the hint, and immediately declared “But you know, I actually did a project about sisters in, erm, third grade, and it said that most don’t actually, uh, like each other until, er, their late twenties!” She was lying through her teeth, but the effort made me feel slightly better. I banished thoughts of Petunia’s wedding to the back of my mind, hoping they wouldn’t be found again until at least May.

“So, Tiff, when are you getting a boyfriend?” Paige changed the subject at Tiff’s expense. Tiff’s face also reddened, but she refused to look away from Paige’s celery green eyes stubbornly. 

“I’m actually focusing on school,” she responded evenly. “You know, the reason we’re at Hogwarts.” The small remark didn’t bother Paige, and she pressed on.

“Really Tiff, why are you still single? You’re beautiful, smart, kind, funny, must I really go on?” Tiff was silent. “I have a boyfriend, Lily has someone to lust after,” she ignored my glare, “Celina has a boyfriend, and he’s _Sirius Black!_ You’re the only one without someone.”

“Angela doesn’t have anybody!” Tiff cried out defensively. “And it’s thanks to the certain person Lily’s lusting over!”

“Tiff, don’t bring me into this,” I murmured, keeping my eyes on the half eaten treacle tart in front of me. I’d suddenly lost my appetite. “It’s not my fault.”

“Yes it is, Lily.” I brought myself to look into kind, gentle, Tiffany Young’s almond eyes. They were narrowed at me in anger and frustration. “I don’t really think I blame Angela for finding new people to hang out with. I mean, if you can’t depend on your best friends, who can you trust?”

“Don’t do this, Tiff, please, not now.” Celina was pleading, like she knew Tiff was going to do this sometime. Like she’d been expecting it for a while. “Can’t it wait until we get back to the dorm? We shouldn’t discuss this right now.”

“Celina, I swear to Merlin, if you defend her, I will--!”

“You just took Merlin’s name in vain!” Paige desperately reminded her. “And I say that we stop talking about this right now.”

Tiff shook her head angrily. She got up, and with one last glare at me, she went to the other side of the Gryffindor table to sit with Angela. Why was she blaming me? I really couldn’t help that James liked me so much, or that I was starting to feel the same. It wasn’t my fault! I’d said it before; nobody can help who they like, or who they love. It just happened. So many people went through what happened to Angela, but most of them got over it quickly. It didn’t look like Angela was still upset over James, more like she was just angry at me for being the reason he couldn’t date her anymore. But at night, I could still hear her sobbing, and I could hear Tiff trying to comfort her. 

Tiff probably couldn’t stand to be anywhere near me when I’d put Angela through all that pain. It was her reflex; anyone hurts her friend, and she hurt you back. It was the way she lived life, though she was such a great person without it. She’d always been closer to Angela than the rest of us. Angela was her little chick, and Mama Chicken couldn’t bear the pain.

“Lily, don’t feel badly,” Celina told me. “Tiff’s just upset. I’m sure she’ll come round soon.”

I nodded, though I didn’t believe it. 

I didn’t eat anything else the entire feast. I felt more like I was going to throw up. In fact, when I smelled Paige’s steaming hot pumpkin pie, I had to get up and run into the bathroom. 

After, I skipped the rest of the feast, feeling that some alone time would help. I ran back to my dorm, wrenched open the door, and flopped onto my bed to begin crying my eyes out.

Why me? Why had James fallen in love with me? Why did he like ordinary, plain, Lily? Why did he have to date Angela to get me jealous? Why had she blamed me for something I couldn’t control? Why was my life turning upside down because of one boy? Why did those few words Tiff said to me have such an effect? Why was my life totally out of control?

Why did I love him back? Why was I even starting to consider that being with him then would make things seem so much less complicated? Why was I so lost? Why didn’t I know what to do when it would help me most? Why couldn’t I stop my feelings from showing?

Why was a mad man coming after everyone of my kind? Why did Lord Voldemort have to exist and ruin what might’ve been the best year of my life?

What could I do? 


	8. Chapter Eight

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Eight_

_I'm not a perfect person_  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know 

I've found out a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you.

Hoobastank, The Reason

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**James POV**

What was wrong with her? I asked myself as Lily went running from the Great Hall on Halloween night. She hadn’t even finished her treacle tart, and I knew how much she loved the stuff. I myself was in danger of loving it more than I loved any other human being—other than Lily. 

I exchanged a glance with Celina; the one person I knew wouldn’t glare at me. I was worried. Why did she look like she was going to hurl? I was halfway out of my seat, but Celina’s glance told me to sit down. I obliged, hoping that either she or Paige would explain eventually as to why Lily was acting so strangely. 

“Sirius, what’s up with Lily?” I didn’t realize how high my voice had gone. Sirius looked at me questioningly. 

“I dunno,” he replied indifferently, shoving his face with more pumpkin pie. Great load of help he was! I glared to show him my feelings, but he just shrugged and continued to stuff his face. I, on the other hand, was once again overcome with the urge to leap up and follow Lily out of the Great Hall. I started at Celina and Paige for a bit longer, noticing that Tiff was no where in sight. I looked up and down the table, and finally found her sitting with Angela—and Sandra Kiss.

Wait, Sandra Kiss? Didn’t Lily’s whole group hate the Kiss sisters? I myself had snogged Sabrina Kiss numerous times while on the rebound from one of Lily’s furious rejections, and after I did I always felt terrible. Sabrina wasn’t as bad as the others, but she was really cruel if she didn’t like you; which meant that at least half the school always had nasty rumors flying about them. Angela and Tiff wouldn’t be caught dead with her while they were friends with Lily.

But what if they weren’t friends?

Was that what had upset Lily so much? That two of her best friends had turned on her because of me? Because of my mistake? Correction, one of my _many_ mistakes. 

It was my fault that Angela hated Lily, I’d already known that. But Tiff? That was news to me. Although Tiff had always seemed closer to Angela than anyone else in the school, I hadn’t thought that she would defend her when she was wrongly making Lily’s life miserable. I didn’t like it when people made Lily cry, or even make that beautiful lower lip quiver. She was so wonderful in every way, she didn’t deserve what Angela and Tiff were giving her. 

I could still remember the way Lily’s wand felt in my hand. The way it felt when it zoomed from my fingers. It felt like I was actually holding her small, delicate, white hand with my own larger one. When it went back to its rightful owner, and mine returned to me, I could feel where she had held it; right where I always did. She’d placed her finger exactly where mine always were. 

It gave me hope.

Was it even possible that Lily didn’t loathe me as much? Perhaps. But Angela and Tiff were ruining whatever chance I’d had, and that wasn’t going to fly with me. 

“Why do you even care that much?” Peter asked me angrily. “Prongs, you know she doesn’t like you, and you’ve missed the past--,” he counted in his head and whispered “ _Two full moons!”_

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, also irritated. “We’ve been stuck taking care of… _you-know-what_ with just two of us. Do you know how bleeding hard it is to keep a werewolf in check?”

“Not so loud, Sirius,” Remus hissed frantically. “Merlin, do you _want_ me to leave school?”

“Of course not, Moony,” Sirius answered. “All I’m saying is that you’re not exactly a ball of fun when you’re a…you-know-what. I think you nearly tore my head off last time, and we all know that Hogwarts would be _nothing_ without Sirius Black.”

Peter shook his head at Sirius’ conceit and turned back to me. “What I’m saying, Prongs, is that we can’t keep it up without you. Either you come with next month, or we stop going with Remus. We’re taking a huge risk, here, and I’d rather _not_ die, if you don’t mind.”

“Calm the hormones, guys,” I assured them. “I’ll be there, no need to make threats. But Lily seems to prefer moonlight during meetings, and I can’t tell her I won’t go, or she’ll never like me! Plus, I’ve gotten her into a huge mess by going with Angela, and I can’t just leave her to fend against that vile girl by herself! Angela’s almost as back as a…you-know-what when she’s angry! I swear the girl’s mad!” They changed the conversation to Quidditch when Olivia Christmas started staring at us strangely.

After the feast, I cornered both of them while the rest of the school walked slowly past us, anticipating some drama if they were lucky. 

“Stop it.” My voice came out gruffer than I’d thought it would, probably because I was so angry. 

“Stop what?” Angela’s high voice asked me innocently, but the terrible smile on her face was a give away. My hands started to shake in fury, so I pushed them into my robe pocket. “I’m not doing a thing.”

“You know what you’re doing,” I told her, eyeing Tiff warily. I wasn’t sure how she’d respond. “You’re making her feel so guilty, she won’t even consider me! You’re ruining everything I’ve worked for!”

“She doesn’t _deserve_ you James,” Angela hissed. “You _know_ she doesn’t. _I_ should still be with you. Kissing you,” Her fingers started smoothing my sweater. “Touching you,” Her voice got softer, her face moved closer. “ _Loving you.”_ I pushed her face away from mine as she tried to kiss me. She really was a stalker.

“Stop it,” I repeated, and this time my voice was firmer. She thought she could twist every guy in the school into thinking she was in love with them. She hadn’t used it to her full potential all those years, and now she was starting to realize just how intoxicating every male in the school found her. Except me. “I don’t care what you think, Angela, I don’t love you. Never have, never will. I love Lily, and I could care less what you say or do to me. Stop messing with her.”

I started to walk off, but Tiff caught hold of my arm. Everyone had left for their dorms and comfy beds, ignoring the strange want for drama, and replacing it with the need for sleep. I whirled to face her.

“If you upset her, in any way, I swear…” She didn’t finish her threat, but let go of my arm and pulled Angela, who was now starting to tear, up the marble staircase to their dorm. The dorm they shared with Lily.

I couldn’t figure out whether Tiff had meant Angela or Lily, but I had a hunch I knew who it was.

I sprinted up to the Common Room, looking for Lily in the mass of people once I got there. Her magnificent red hair was easy to pick out, and I couldn’t find it anywhere. She was probably in her dorm room. Would she remember that we had to patrol? If she was too upset, I would understand, but she rarely shirked a duty. It was so…not Lily-ish. If she wanted to skip patrolling I would get more worried than I was already, if that was possible. I might have a seizure. 

“Celina,” I said, grabbing her elbow as she tried to get past me. “Where’s Lily? We have to patrol soon.”

“Um, she’s in our dorm.” Her blue eyes looked around the room searchingly. “Do you want me to go get her? I’ll be honest with you, James; I don’t think she’s up to it. She and Tiff, well, they aren’t exactly friends anymore, and Tiff’s with Angela and Sandra bloody Kiss now, and I just don’t know what to do with her! I was just up there, and she’s crying her eyes out. Nothing is going right for her this year.”

“Look, could you just ask her if she still wants to patrol? I could try and talking to her; it might help.”

Celina danced gracefully up the steps, and she reminded me of the Veela I’d once seen at the Quidditch World Cup. The silvery blonde hair, entrancing eyes, perfect body, it was completely obvious. No wonder she was dating Sirius.

She came back a few minutes later, towing Lily delicately. She looked like she’d been crying for hours, and it nearly broke my heart. I hated to see her upset, ever.

“I-I’m sorry, James,” she said to me. “I completely forgot about patrolling, thanks for reminding me.” Lily looked around the room and spotted Angela a few feet away, glaring at her. Sandra was next to her, and Tiff was behind them. “Let’s go now.” Celina released her, and Lily instantly moved to cling to my arm, like she wouldn’t be able to stand properly without support. I’d never seen Lily need _anyone_.

We started out the Portrait Hole, but not before Angela could cross in front of us, touching my arm and looking at me like I was a piece of meat. Thanks, Angie, _so_ mature. Was she really so thick that she hadn’t understood a word I’d said? Was she just too attached to me to let go? Or was she just determined to act like a bitch? Three guesses is all anyone needed, judging from Angela’s character.

“Um, we should, er, start now.” Lily looked so uncomfortable. I could understand—well no, I couldn’t. I didn’t care if my friends hit on a girl right in front of me, even if it was outrageously stupid. Which it usually was, if it was Sirius. Maybe Lily was just too…uptight. She’d always been so fond of rules; Sirius had said one night that she liked them more than any other human being. Peter and Remus had laughed, but Sirius showed up to breakfast the next morning with a black eye. Ah, fond memories. 

“Yeah,” I said casually. “Do you want to split up? We could cover more ground that way--,”

“No!” she said it so loudly that some of the portraits woke with a start, grumbling about ‘young whippersnappers’. Lily looked around, embarrassed by her outburst, like she hadn’t meant to say it. “I, uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I may not be able to handle something all by myself.”

Whoa, hold it. Lily Evans admitting she couldn’t do something? There was definitely something up with her. “Lils, I don’t mean to be nosy or anything, but is something wrong? You’re just…not acting like yourself.” She was quiet for a very long time, so I added “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to, I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

“’Course I’m alright,” she mumbled, certainly not sounding ‘alright’. Did she really think I was that stupid? It was insulting! “I don’t know why you’d get that idea.”

“Well,” I started, afraid of her reaction. “Usually you’d be looking for the escape hatch rather than be with me for the hour we have to patrol. And the old Lily wouldn’t say she couldn’t do something. I know that for a fact.”

“I can’t fool you, James,” Lily admitted, pretending to be sarcastic, though I could tell there was truth in her words. “You seem to study _me_ more than your schoolwork.” Now _that_ was Lily. “I’m just pretty upset about the whole Angela thing. It’s not _my_ fault you like me!”

“Do you want me to stop?” I asked her, knowing full well that I wouldn’t be able to. 

“No, I just can’t believe she blames me for it. And the way everyone harps on and on about how we ‘flirt’ all the time, it’s maddening!” 

“I don’t even flirt with you anymore!” I exclaimed, and she nodded, smiling one of her amazing smiles. I think I lost contact with my brain for a minute, because when I next heard her, she’d already begun a sentence. 

“…just find it hard to believe that Paige would even _bother_ to write that stuff down, you know?”

“Wait, what did she write?” She looked slightly annoyed, another sign that Lily was returning to her old self, but answered me.

“She wrote down my flirting techniques, ‘as they seem to work remarkably well on the opposite sex’,” she snorted. “Isn’t that ridiculous? I mean, if I was good at flirting, wouldn’t the entire school be on me like they are with Celina, or Angela?” She seemed to think for a moment. “Actually, come to think of it, she hasn’t been doing to well this year. Usually she can get everyone to do whatever she wants!”

“Really?” I asked her, completely surprised. “Because everyone I’ve ever spoken to thinks she’s a spoiled b-… _brat_. They only date her because she’s an amazing snogger. I have to disagree, though.”

“Maybe it just seemed like it when we were friends,” Lily mused. “You know, I never used to notice that Angela was mean, or that Paige was violent, or even that Tiff was a little _too_ over protective, to the point of ridiculous. The only one who’s still the same in my mind is Celina, which is strange. I mean, Angela was always our friend, and I guess if she doesn’t like you, she’s a horrible person!”

“You only _just_ realized this?”

She threw me a glare and said “Forget my friendship troubles, I never meant to share them with you at all. You’re just so easy to talk to; the words come spilling out of my mouth!”

“I really don’t mind.” I liked it better than when she yelled at me. “Friends are supposed to listen to each other’s problems,” I said, according to formula.

“I guess. But no matter how bad Angela could be, I still miss her.” Lily’s eyes became glassy, and she started making weird noise, like she had something caught in her throat. Taking a deep breath, she told me “Let’s start down to the dungeons.” Her voice broke twice. 

I only nodded, and we began walking in silence down. It started to get colder as we reached the dungeons, and I could see my breath in a small fog. Lily and I were only wearing our school robes, not thinking to bring our cloaks with us; the Common Room was extremely well heated. She started shiver, and I put my arm around her to help.

“You’re so cliché, James,” Lily insisted, but she didn’t shrug me off, as I’d feared she would. The cold must be getting to her brain, I thought. In fact, strangely, she moved closer into me, until I couldn’t walk without dragging her with me. I had to slow my stride, as she was so much smaller, and Lily started to take larger ones to match mine. It was so…bizarre. Normally I’d have a red handprint on my face by then! I enjoyed this much more.

“I’m so sorry, Lily,” I whispered to her. 

“What on earth do you mean?”

“I’m sorry I’m putting you thought this,” I apologized. “Angela’s your best friend, or at least one of them, and I’m the reason she’s mad at you! It’s cause I just can’t get over you, Lils, but I can try. I won’t make you go through that with any other friends, I promise.” We walked in silence some more. 

“James?”

“Hm?”

“What’s your family like?” Lily’s question took me by surprise. Since when did she care about my home life?

“Well, my parents married a bit on in their years, so I’m an only child, doomed to spend the rest of my family days alone in solitary.” She laughed at this, so I kept going. “Mum’s great, I mean she’s so nice to everyone, it’s kind of annoying. But she’s a terrible cook. Really horrible. You might’ve heard Sirius go on and on about Christmas dinner last year.”

“Never,” she responded. “I usually tune the Marauders out.”

“Great. Well, our family house elf, Bobble, got the day off because it was Christmas. So Mum decided she was going to cook instead of getting takeaway--,”

“Wait, you can get a takeaway Christmas dinner?” She looked so perplexed.

“Yeah, and we usually do. Remus was with his family unit, but Sirius and Peter were coming, so Mum wanted to do something special. Dad tried to convince her, but Mum’s always been, er, stubborn. Anyway, she put the ham in the oven. But Sirius came in and started thanking her for letting him come over, being his usual suck-up self. So Mum was blushing, telling him not to worry about it, that he was practically family anyway because he really never _leaves_ my house. Unfortunately, Mum forgot she was cooking, and the ham caught on fire. Like it was actually burning the oven from the inside. I was upstairs with Pete, gagging because Sirius was still groveling at my mother, and I heard her yelling.”

“Oh Merlin, was she alright?” Her eyes had widened in concern and looked like large emeralds.

“’Course she was,” I assured Lily. “No, she was yelling at Sirius because he’d basically ruined our kitchen. An entire wall was burned to a crisp. Dad was in the living room and he could suddenly see Mum and Sirius! It was pretty hilarious, but my parents didn’t exactly think so--,” I stopped because I realized she was laughing, snorting the entire time. Really, I hadn’t ever been able to picture Lily Evans _snorting_ when she laughed—mostly because she never laughed around me. 

“Um, Lils? Are you alright, can you breath?” She was turning blue, and we had stopped walking, my arm was no longer around her. “Lily?”

“I-I-I’m *snort* f-f-f-fine!” Tears were running down her face now and she was clutching a stitch in her stomach from laughing so hard. “It’s just t-t-that *snort* I d-did the *snort* exact s-s-same thing *snort*!”

I blinked in surprise. This patrolling trip was so _weird_! Had Lily really just revealed that she had illegally used magic? Oh my goodness, was I dreaming? She calmed down after a while. “Lils? When did _you_ ever try to use magic outside of school?”

“In Fourth Year, I was home for Christmas holiday and Dad was trying to make the ham. Usually my prat sister, Petunia, does it, but she’d spent Christmas at university and Dad’s always been hopeless at cooking.” I nodded to show understanding. “Anyway, he kept on burning the ham—we’d cut it up because it was just the two of us—and I was _really_ hungry. So I decided to help him by, erm, heating it up. And, well, I kind of missed the ham slices with my wand and hit the wall! I set the whole wall on fire, and of course Dad and I couldn’t find the bloody fire extinguisher, and since it was magic fire it burned a whole through the wall to the living room before we could put it out!” Lily fell into peals of laughter again, and I found myself joining her.

We all but collapsed on the ground, clutching our stomachs. Eventually we quieted down—much to the pictures’ delight—and slid down the cold wall to a seated position, still chuckling. 

Lily’s eyes were watery again, but not from sadness. She was still giggling from her story, and her beauty was almost overwhelming. Her porcelain cheeks were flushed from her laughter, her eyes sparkling, and her hair fell around her face. I lifted a hand to brush it away so I could see her face properly. She caught it in her smaller hand, still breathless. She looked into my eyes the way Professor Dumbledore did, like she was seeing right into my soul. 

And then she was on top of me, kissing me passionately. I kissed back, crushing my lips against hers again and again; taking short air breaks in between. I tangled my fingers in her silky curls, and she entwined her hands in mine, pulling at it. It was like we couldn’t control ourselves, like we couldn’t stop—not that either of us wanted to! I was pulling her closer, trying to meld into one person…

I finally pushed Lily away as her hands went to my shirt. Breathless again, she sputtered “I-I’m so sorry, James, I don’t know what happened to me! One minute I’m sitting there laughing, the next I leap onto you like-like…like some leaping thing!”

“No,” I panted. “It’s okay; I wanted you too.” She looked at me again, and I started back. Her eyes were so wonderful…

“Well, erm, what do we do now?” She asked me. “I mean, we both wanted to kiss each other, didn’t we?”

“Definitely,” I told her confidently. I’d wanted to kiss her since probably Fourth or Fifth Year! “What do you mean, ‘what do we do’? We go out!”

“Are you sure?” Lily looked so hesitant, like she couldn’t be sure it was what she _really_ wanted. Wait, no, she wasn’t sure it was what _I_ wanted. That was just silly of her.

“I’m positive.” 


	9. Chapter Nine

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Nine_

_I don't quite know_  
How to say   
How I feel 

_Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars_

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
_

I went back to my dorm in a mist of confusion. Did that really just happen? Had I been dreaming so vividly that I could still feel his glorious lips against mine? I had basically attacked him, and he had snogged me to within an inch of my life! James Potter and I were now officially dating. Usually, I wasn’t one for the ridiculous little abbreviations girls came up with to avoid wasting breath in order to actually say what they meant, but this peculiar moment called for the most sacred of these shortened words.

OMFG.

It was truly perfect for this scenario, no matter how dull and stupid. I had just snogged Potter, James Potter, of the English Potter’s! The ones that lived in England! With me, Lily Evans, of the English Evans’…who lived in England! 

And I’d been right; being with James had totally put me at ease. I was no longer worried about Angela, Tiff, or even Voldemort. No Death Eater could bother me; I was the girlfriend of James Potter! Life was perfect, life was bliss, life was—

Totally unfair.

When I entered the dorm room, I could hear somebody sniffling. I began to close the door slowly, hoping that whichever of my friends who was crying hadn’t noticed me. Then the girl gave up completely on sniffling and started to all out sob. I couldn’t just leave one of my mates in the state, even if it was someone who didn’t particularly like me at the moment. So, I pushed the door open so that light streamed across the dark room.

Angela sat on her bed, making these terrible gurgling noises that meant she was trying to cover her sobs with her pillow. She looked up briefly to see if I was Tiff—the only one she would confide in—and then saw me. She buried her face once more in the pillow as I came closer.

“Angie?” I whispered, frightened of what she would say, or yell, to me. “Angela, what’s wrong?”

“Everything!” she yelled, keeping her face hidden in the pillow so her voice was muffled. “I can’t believe you have the nerve to come in here after what you’ve done!”

“What have I done, Angela, besides what you _think_ I’ve done?”

“You’ve snogged him, you know you have!” 

My features molded into a confused face, because I really was. How could she possibly know that I’d snogged James? I hadn’t even seen her on my patrol, nor had he. “I really have no idea why you’re saying that.” Not quite lies, as I had no clue how she would get the evidence to say that. At least that’s what I told my conscience, anyway.

“You stupid s-s-slut!” she yelled at me, throwing something at my head. I ducked it, but kept the look of horror on my face. How _dare_ she call me that, when she’d cheated on every other boyfriend she’d ever had!

“Stop taking your anger out on me! I can’t take it anymore, Angela; you’re hurting everyone with your ridiculous accusations! Yes, I kissed him, and I’m damn proud of it! He’s my boyfriend now, and not because you’re mad at me, it’s because we, er, we…” I let the sentence drift away reluctantly. I’d had such a good thing going, but I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt about James. I didn’t think I loved him, I was sure I liked him so much more than a friend, so where did that leave me? I couldn’t figure out how I felt about him, I just knew that what we were doing was right. 

“Do you love him, Lily?” she asked me, her eyes burning. She spoke bitterly, and her words stung me. “Can you say that you love him? I didn’t think so. I _can_ say that! I love him Lily, and you’re just going to rip my heart out?”

“Stop being so dramatic. He doesn’t love you back. Just, I don’t know, deal with it!” I stomped back downstairs to get away from her. So what if I couldn’t say I loved him? Was it really that big of a deal? They were just words, no matter how powerful, and I didn’t need to use them to show James how I felt. I’d already done that with that one fabulous kiss, hadn’t I?

As I came down, I could see Tiff waiting for me in a corner of the room. At first I was scared to even look at her. Tiff’s eyes were much like Angela’s, except that they were narrowed to the point where she might be sleeping…except for the awful scowl on her face. I braced myself; I’d end up doing this sooner or later, and I’d much rather get done with it now.

“Tiff, I know what you’re going to say, but--,”

“Lils, you have no _clue_ what I am going to say.” Her eyes opened once I walked in front of her sight. “Did you know that Sandra Kiss actually has a poster of Voldemort in her dorm?”

“What?” Was she bloody bi-polar, or something? Merlin, I couldn’t figure her out!

“The first thing Sandra did when she met Angela was ask her whether she was a pureblood.” Tiff looked disgusted. “And Angela lied and told her ‘yes, of course I am, how silly of you not to know!’ But _I_ know that Sandra _must_ know that Angela’s a Muggleborn, like you and Paige! Everybody always knows who in the school is a pureblood. I don’t think I can take much more of her insanity! Angela lied about me, too, when I went to go sit with them. She said I was a pureblood as well. I don’t know who she _thinks_ she messing with, but the Kiss sisters are definitely going to be Death Eaters when they get out of Hogwarts.”

I was still in shock, and therefore unable to say anything. Did this mean that Tiff wasn’t angry with me anymore, now that she knew what Angela would do to fit in? Angela was in more trouble now, after spending so much time with Sandra, and Tiff couldn’t do a thing about it. 

“Tiff,” I started uneasily. “I’m dating James. I’m his girlfriend.”

She just looked at me for a while, and then regained her composure. “Well, I guess that was to be expected. How could you _not_ date him? Did Angela find out?”

“Yes,” I said. “She must’ve seen James and me kissing while we were on patrol--,”

“She never left her room,” Tiff told me. “I would’ve noticed. I’ve been staring at the stairs for an hour now, hoping she’d come down and be alright again. I did see Sandra go up there, though, a few minutes ago.”

“Ug! I bet she made it worse than it was!” Could anybody possibly hate the Kiss sisters more than I did right then? They’d ruined whatever small chance I had of getting Angela back, not that I wanted this new, strange Angela returned to my life. I wanted the old, carefree, flirt-with-whoever-I-want Angela. No matter how annoying she had been, it was better than whatever she was now. “Where is Sandra? I want to go kill her!”

“I don’t think that would be the best idea, Lils.” It felt so good to have Tiff back, and all it took was a lie from Angela. “But she’s over snogging with some boy, as usual. I can’t believe I tolerated her for more than an hour! I, myself, am amazed.”

I smiled, happy to have my Tiffany back. “If I look like I’m about to do anything completely stupid, just jinx me. I’d rather not lose my badge after just two months…or get arrested, that would be a bummer, as well. I’m not sure I can date from Azkaban.” She nodded, and I walked over to Sandra. She was snogging the same boy that had his paper stolen by me while Angela was flirting with James. I pushed the memory of her on his shoulder away, as it sparked an intense feeling of jealousy. 

“Sandra Kiss, I didn’t think even _you_ would be stupid enough to mess with the Head Girl.” I was right in front of her, trying desperately to keep my temper in control. “How could you do that to Angela? Why didn’t you wait for me to tell her?”

She sighed, and pulled away from Paper Boy. “Really, Evans, would you have told her? Or would you have let her find out tomorrow morning and be embarrassed? I think we both know that you would’ve been too chicken to tell her yourself.”

“And how would you know, _Kiss_ , since you didn’t give me the chance?”

”I know because I know you, Lily Evans, and you never like to confront people. It’s just how you are, being a filthy Mudblood.”

“Excuse me?” James was behind me suddenly, his arm casually around my waist. Despite my current predicament, I was very happy. “Did I just hear you say that to the Head Girl?”

“Please, James, it’s not like she matters! Why don’t you go off with Angela? She’s really a sweet girl, for a Mudblood.” Sandra cackled a bit, and then turned back to me. “You won’t have to worry about me for long though, Evans, my sisters and I are transferring to Durmstrang three weeks after Christmas.” She glided away, pulling her snogging partner with her to go find a dark corner.

“Why would Selena transfer when she’s only got a year left of school?” I asked James, nosily, hoping to avoid a certain conversation. “What’s the point? She really can’t last another year here?”

“Guess not.” James was still looking across the room at Sandra, his eyes dark and furious. I pulled on his arm to turn his eyes back to me. They softened immediately. “I guess it doesn’t really matter. The sooner the Kiss sisters leave this school, the better. Think we can get them expelled? They’ll go away sooner!” Conversation avoided! 

I laughed and turned my face up to his. He kissed me briefly, and then linked my arm in his. It felt _so_ good. Everyone had noticed it, and they were trading skeptical glances. I could basically hear their thoughts. _Lily Evans? Snogging James Potter? Whoa, what did I miss?_ I laughed to myself and James and I walked over to a couch. Celina was there with Sirius. It seemed that they had been too busy to notice the public display of affection earlier. Now though, James and I were right in front of them, cuddling—which would have normally been embarrassing, but it felt so _right_ with him! Sirius broke away from Celina with a sound like a plunger.

“What. Is. This?” He annunciated every word to give it meaning, and James began laughing next to me. Celina was just staring, having surfaced from Sirius’ face, and I myself was having a good laugh at my friends’ faces. “Stop laughing! Why are you two within a five mile radius of each other? This makes no sense!”

“It may shock you, but Lily and I are dating.”

It did shock them. Well, Celina recovered within a minute and jumped up to hug me until I turned blue.

“Hey! Don’t kill her; I’ve only gotten about an hour with her!” James protested, prying Celina off of me and allowing my lungs some air. I’d never realized how strong she was! I only got a few seconds because Sirius swept me up as well; and he was _much_ stronger than Celina. 

“Oh, Lilykins!” he said, hugging me so tightly I couldn’t even move. “You’re practically my sister-in-law! Well, if James and I were related, but that’s just a small matter! Ooo, I can’t wait for the holidays! You can come to dinner at James’ place and then we can have some burned turkey or whatever piece of rubbish James’ mum makes—you know, she’s not the best cook in the world, but since last year she’s been wanting to have another go at Christmas dinner. Should be a fun couple of weeks!”

“Sirius, she can’t breathe!” James pulled his friend from me as well, and I collapsed on the couch; partly because I was now exhausted, partly because nobody else could hug me while I was sitting down.

“Well, James,” Sirius said in a fatherly tone. “I’m very proud of you, son. I didn’t think you had the balls to ask Lily out again after all those terrible rejections. Oh, the irony! Dearest Celina and I are late for a snogging appointment right where you two started snogging, according to Jamesie. Come, love, let’s go get some swollen lips.”

Celina giggled and followed her boyfriend out. What a strange pair. I realized half and hour later that as Head Girl, I should’ve stopped them--it was two hours past curfew—but my lips were otherwise engaged. Normally, I wouldn’t be caught dead doing something so…vulgar as public displays of affection, but with my own boyfriend I found I had trouble keeping my hands to myself, a very strange feeling for me. I could hear people whooping behind me, so I quickly pushed James off of me.

“Really, Lils?” he asked me with a pained expression. “You can’t take people watching you snog?”

“I’m not used to it!” I told him under my breath, keeping our conversation private. Sandra Kiss was glaring from her dark corner, while Paper Boy went to go to bed. It was a pretty good idea. “James, listen, I’m going to sleep. It’s late and I have class tomorrow…and so do you!”

“But it’s a Friday!” 

“So?” He sighed in a defeated way and helped me up from the couch. I could feel jealous eyes on me, so I held my head high. The girls of Hogwarts would just have to deal! But it was just slightly hard for them to have both Sirius _and_ James taken. I thought about Celina then, hoping that Sirius would be good to her.

Celina was probably the closest thing I’d had to a best friend. She was fun, kind, and just an all around good person, despite her involvement with Sirius Black. I knew she wouldn’t tease me, like Paige. She was much more sensitive than Angela, who really wasn’t even my friend anymore. She wasn’t too overprotective like Tiff. She was beautiful, inside and out, and I started thinking that maybe that was the reason she hadn’t changed in my head; she was still the same Celina. Strangely, I’d never felt overwhelmingly jealous of Celina, as I had of my other friends, because she knew who she was.

Paige denied that she was pretty, Tiff thought she was just normal, and Angela had always flaunted her talent for twisting poor, innocent boys. I should’ve known it would turn her _evil_ …

I gave him a peck on the cheek and walked up the stairs to my dorm, still thinking. Luckily, Tiff and Paige were up there so I wasn’t along with Angela. I had the feeling I might come to serious bodily harm by being alone with her.

“Lily, tell me everything!” Paige yelled at me, brutally tackling me so that I was pinned on her bed, a very weird position for two girls. I brushed that off. “If you leave out anything, so help me Merlin, I will be forced to curse you into the Ming dynasty.” Angela looked as if she’d be quite pleased if that happened. I shook my head, shoving Paige off me so I could regain feeling in my body. I eyed Angela meaningfully, meaning I’d tell Paige at breakfast.

“What’s wrong with your eye?” she asked me thickly. “Have you got a twitch, or something?”

“No, Paige dearest. Why ever would you think that?” I biffed her over the head and whispered “I can’t tell you with Angela here. I can confide all my deepest, darkest secrets during breakfast.”

“Why?”

“It would hurt Angela too much!”

“So?” She sounded like me earlier, but one glare silenced her. She got the hump and wrenched the covers over her head, signaling that she would speak with me no longer. I got in my own bed, feeling slightly alone.

I was in a room full of girls, why did I feel alone? Was that even possible? All my friends were there—except Celina—so I should actually feel quite peppy. I felt like there were supposed to be arms wrapped around my waist, holding me close and keeping me safe. The arms were strong, but gentle, and warm. Without them, I felt frightened. It was ridiculous, but there it was.

That was the first night I dreamed about Voldemort.

In the dream, I was standing alone on the street next to The Three Broomsticks. I was just staring at someone in the window, when people suddenly started screaming around me, pointing and running further down the street. I wasn’t sure why, but panic and fear struck my body, I tried to run in the opposite direction of everyone else; away from the safety of Hogwarts. The crowd was too strong, and it gradually pulled me back. I could see _him_ , Voldemort, staring over the crowd of fearful villagers with terrible red eyes and a chalk white face. Someone was shouting my name over and over again, and though my dream-self recognized the voice, I couldn’t remember it when I woke up later that night, sweat covering my body and my sheets tangled around me.

I twisted out of my bed, plummeting to the floor and hitting my head on the boards. It woke Paige, who slept in the bed next to me, and she sat up quickly.

“Wuz wrong, Lils?” she asked me sleepily. Celina stirred in her slumber, having come in while I was still unconscious. 

“Nothing,” I assured her. “Just a bad dream, go back to sleep.” Telling her I’d had a nightmare was extremely foolish and stupid, because the second I mentioned it she leapt out of her bed and went to her trunk. She returned with her idiotic clipboard and a quill.

“What was your dream?” she inquired, staring at me over the top of the wooden board. “I need details so I can figure out what emotion you’re feeling right now, from your dream. Don’t leave anything out!”

“Paige, can we do this in the morning?” I asked her wearily, rubbing my eyes. My dream had made my sleep uneasy and full of unrest. Looking out the window, it looked to be about two in the morning. Oh, yay. 

“Most of the human population doesn’t remember dreams even an hour after they’ve had them!” she complained to me. “I need this information _now!”_

I sighed and made up a nightmare involving seven angry cucumbers that were chasing me around my bedroom at home. She actually fell for it and said I had mental problems, and then advised me to come see her at her psychiatric practice in six or seven years. Fabulous advice really, if it had been my real dream. Actually, not even then. It was terrible advice, and I knew Paige would never make it in the world as a physiatrist; she was just too absurd. 

She finally let me go back to sleep three hours later. Paige was an amazing sleeper, and had that rare gift of going to sleep on command. I, however, was such a strange person that once I was awake, I couldn’t go back to sleep. Alas, there was the story of my tragic life.

I crept out of bed half hoping that James would be in the Common Room when I got down. Was he a Seer or something? He was there, sitting in an armchair by the fire. I was instantly reminded of my nightmare, for some odd reason, and ran to him, sitting on him and pressing his face to mine urgently, intensely. 

When we finally pulled away, he looked at me with a worried expression. “What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?” I asked him quickly, wishing I could lie better.

“You’re upset, I can tell. I want to know why.” He wasn’t demanding it, more like voicing the fact that he was simply curious. I shook my head, but the concern in his eyes disturbed me, and I told him the whole thing.

After, he looked at me strangely, and I couldn’t place it. Finally, James spoke. 

“I had a similar dream, except from _my_ point of view.”

“What do you mean?” I repeated. 

“I was with Voldemort.” He didn’t flinch, or say You-Know-Who. He said the name, like I did. I assumed his friends said it as well, but mine were now too frightened. It annoyed me that they were letting him scare my fearless group, but I could not persuade them otherwise. “I was standing there with him, I think I was under a curse or something because I wasn’t fighting him--,”

“Why would you be fighting him?” I questioned sharply. “Why wouldn’t you be running like everyone else?”

“Because I don’t run from people like him, it shows I’m afraid. I confront my fear; I don’t let them take control of my life. I’d fight with him.”

I knew why James was in Gryffindor; he was brave to the point of stupid. I didn’t need him to tell me the real reason he hadn’t run. He was willing to risk his life to save thousands of others. I felt small and mediocre compared to James and what he was prepared to do. 

“But what about me?” I asked, feeling a dread creep over me. “You would seriously let yourself be killed? I don’t think that’s fair to me!”

“It’s not like I’m ever going to get the chance to fight Voldemort, Lils,” James told me reassuringly, though his eyes said differently. “I’ll probably never even see him in person. No need to worry your pretty red head.”

I ended the topic at that, turning around so that my ‘pretty red head’ was in his face, resting my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I felt calmer than I had in days. I was asleep almost instantly, and this time it was dreamless.

When I woke, I was still in the armchair. James was holding onto me, though his grip was more relaxed because he’d fallen asleep, as well. I was surprisingly comfortable, given my position on the chair. Most people would feel sore; falling asleep on another person in such a small space was very uncomfortable to most of the human populace, but I was strange, and felt extremely at ease. 

I lifted my head from his shoulder gently, so as not to wake him with movement, and turned it to a window. The sun was barely up, and it sent a dim ray of light through the window. I could see the shaft. I felt tranquil.

Someone started coming down the boys’ staircase. I shut my eyes to give the illusion I was still asleep, not wanting to ruin the peaceful feeling with talk of Voldemort. He was the most common subject at Hogwarts, these days.

I heard a male gasp, apparently shocked at the two people in the chair near the dying fire. They quickly crossed the room—I listened to their school shoes clacking on the stone floor. Whoever it was poked my arm, rousing my from my false slumber. I tried to look tired, and opened one eye to check who it was.

“Remus?” I whispered, amazed that any normal human being would be awake so early. He also didn’t look like the Remus Lupin I knew. His eyes were tired looking, with dark bags underneath. He was ghostly pale, and it looked like he was ill. It scared me slightly. I’d seen him like this before; he seemed to deteriorate in health basically every month. I just hadn’t seen him up close. “What’s wrong with you? You looked like you haven’t slept in weeks!”

“Close to it,” he muttered. “Anyway, what’s this little setup you’ve got going on with James? Why are you two _touching?”_

“Oh, erm, we’re kind of—I’m not really sure how to say it, it’s kind of, er, strange, and I’m not sure anyone else understands, but--,”

“We’re dating.” James spoke from beneath me, apparently having resurfaced from unconsciousness. He could really sleep. I wasn’t sure just how long he’d been awake; he could’ve been faking like me. “When are you visiting you’re mum, Moony? I’d like to know.”

“Oh, uh…” Remus looked anxious suddenly, his eyes darting around the room, as if looking for someone who was hiding and might hear his answer. “In two days.”

“What’s wrong with your mum?” I asked him, worried for her. He’d gone to see her every month this year, and last year his grandmother had died. Mrs. Lupin was a very nice person. She made muffins every Saturday of the summer holidays and brought them over to my house, braving my psychotic sister, and whatever girlfriend Dad had brought home. What a brave woman. Anyway, the muffins made her my favorite person during the summer months. 

“She’s, er, ill.” Thank you, Captain Obvious.

“Well, what’s she ill with? Maybe I can write to Dad to help her.” Mr. Lupin went away a lot for his job at Gringotts, the Wizarding bank. He handled all their foreign problems, and spoke amazing Gnomish. I could only assume that Mr. Lupin wasn’t able to stay home and help Mrs. Lupin.

“No, really Lily, she’ll be fine,” Remus didn’t look to confident. “That’s very kind of you, but you shouldn’t trouble your father with her. Dad will be home for a few days soon, so she should be well soon. She gets sick a lot, but I can never tell when it might get serious, so I like to check in every now and then.”

“And Professor Dumbledore lets you leave school that much?”

“Um, yes.” I stared at him for a while, then gave up trying to read his face. It was like stone. “He, er, likes Mum. She’s a, um, spectacular witch.”

James started to move his legs, and I hopped off his lap. “I’m going to go see what the girls are doing right now; maybe I can get Celina up for a jog around the lake.” I was a terrible liar, but neither James, nor Remus, seemed to notice my bluff. I walked casually to the staircase, jogging lightly up the steps to my room. 

Celina, Angela, and Tiff were still asleep; Paige was snoring loudly from her bed. I quietly opened the trunk at the foot of my bed and took out some parchment and a quill.

_Dad,_

_I guess I basically have to go to Petunia’s wedding, being the sister and all, but I sincerely ask that I take no part in the ceremony. That means no Maid of Honor rubbish, not even flower girl. I might hurl if I have to watch them kiss though, so I should probably leave early to go help ‘set up’ in the reception hall. Just a tip._ __

Things are going great at school. I’m pretty nervous about my exams at the end of the year; they’ll determine whether I become Magical Maintenance for a lifelong career. Loads of pressure, I know. The teachers have been assigned way too much homework, but I fully intend to spend my weekend doing assignments, don’t worry.

__

I didn’t want to tell him I had a boyfriend, nor did I want to tell him the boyfriend in question was James Potter. It would raise awkward questions, like ‘How did that happen?’ I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell my father I’d nearly groped him. 

_Do you think you could check in on Mrs. Lupin five houses down? Remus says she’s sick, and I want to make sure it’s not serious. He’s visiting her in two days—November 3—but if it’s bad, it shouldn’t wait till then. Thanks!_ __

Love,

__

Lily

__

It seemed innocent enough. Nothing too eye catching. Dad was practically oblivious to life, so he wouldn’t ask anything bizarre in his reply. 

Something about the way Remus had spoken made me curious. Why wouldn’t he want to make sure his mother was okay? If it was me, I’d do anything to make sure Dad was okay. That was probably why I sent him a letter every week. I was sure he was sick of it—he hardly bothered to reply anymore—but he didn’t say a word. I was nervous with the Muggle hunting Death Eaters did. I saw it in papers, and felt the need to make sure my father was always okay.

When I crept back down to the Common Room, Remus and James had left. I slid out the portrait hole and walked to the Owlery to borrow a school owl and sent my letter. 


	10. Chapter Ten

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Ten_

_It's a thief in the night_  
To come and grab you  
It can creep up inside you  
And consume you  
A disease of the mind  
It can control you 

Rihanna, Disturbia 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

The weekend after Halloween there was the second Quidditch match of the season. I hadn’t even gone to the previous ones, feeling it was better if I wasn’t too near James. I might’ve cursed him as he was flying past. Now, however, I was free of that problem. I had a new one; not jumping from the stands to mess up his hair, which would probably kill me—never a good thing. 

That Saturday, I also got the reply to my letter to Dad.

_Lily,_

_You don’t have to be a bridesmaid, Petunia already knew you wouldn’t want to, so she’s having a few friends sub. I hope you know, I’m very disappointed that you won’t even participate in your own sister’s wedding. You’re_ sisters. _That means taking care of each other, loving each other, and, well, liking each other! So you_ will _be watching Petunia and Vernon kiss, just because you need to show your support._

Ug, this was one of the worst letters I’d ever received, maybe even trumping the wedding announcement.

_I’m very proud of you, though, and very pleased to hear that school is going well. Just don’t be boring and bossy while you’re studying, it gets very annoying, dear. I’m not sure your classmates would appreciate it very much, or want to be your friend while you’re snapping at them to shut up, as you do with Petunia._

Wow, this _was_ the worst letter _ever_.

_I don’t know where Renold got the idea that his mother was sick. I visited her just yesterday, like you asked and she was in perfect health. In fact, she yelled at me for interrupting supper with her husband. I told her you said she was ill, but she just shook her head and closed the door in my face! I got into trouble at home, and I’d be thankful if next time you ask me for a favor, you check all sources of information!_ __

Love,

__

Dad

__

Didn’t seem like he loved me _that_ much! Dad had never written such a mean, rude, and offensive letter to me in my life! He always said the normal dad things! Such as ‘I’m so proud you’re keeping up your grades, darling daughter of mine!’ or ‘Thank you for sending me a letter, dear, I always love to hear from you!’ Nothing like that had been in this letter!

_And_ I had to watch Petunia and Sausage-Man kiss. Dear Merlin, I prayed in my head, strike me where I stand! Anything to get out of that wedding!

Celina saw my look of horror as I was reading the letter at breakfast. James was already out training on the pitch.

“Lily, what’s the matter?” she asked me, concerned. Sirius kept trying to snog her, and she was batting him away with a long, perfect hand. “You look like you’ve just gotten a T on a homework!”

“Oh, nothing,” I said, waving a tiny, pale white hand at her. My hand was so gross in comparison…oh well. “I just think my Dad’s brain has been invaded by tiny--,”

“Wrackspurts?” piped a Fifth Year a few seats down. Her hair was dirty blonde, and went to her waist. She had huge blue eyes, and a very pretty face. 

“Er—what?”

“Wrackspurts,” she said matter-of-factly. “Fly around you and mess up your thoughts. Maybe your father had a wrackspurt flying near him, so he wrote things he normally wouldn’t have. They like to do that a lot, the wrackspurts. But they’re not nearly as bad as Nargles.”

Celina and Paige looked at me strangely, and Tiff was trying not to look at this peculiar, and obviously deranged, person. A boy, Xenophilius Lovegood, sat down next to her and started making conversation with her on the subject of Nargles. Celina, Paige, Tiff, and I finished our breakfast early, and started down to the pitch.

“What in Merlin’s pants are Nargles?” Paige asked Tiff in a whispered tone. She shrugged, and started humming something that sounded like a lullaby. “Uh, Tiff?”

“Yes?”

“Why are you humming?”

“Oh!” she yelled. “I forgot to tell you. I know you’ll be delighted, Paige, because you were bothering me about it on Halloween night.” Paige just stared, and now Celina and I had our attention focused on Tiff. 

She stayed silent.

”Well?” Celina asked impatiently. “What is it? Sometime this century, please.” 

“Okay.” Tiff looked ready to burst. “I’ve got a boyfriend!”

“Who?” All three of us asked at once, and Tiff looked surprised. 

“Merlin, Tiffany, by the time you start talking, I’ll be in my eighties!” I complained. She smiled.

“Bert Jessmen.”

“Who?” we repeated. I’d never even heard of ‘Bert Jessmen’, not even a ‘Jessmen’. What a strange last name…

Tiff looked annoyed. “Bert Jessmen! Seventh Year Hufflepuff? Part of the Gobstones Club? Got about ten O.W. L’s last year?”

“So he’s a geek?” Paige asked, nodding her head in understanding. Tiff and I glared at her.

“Being smart and getting good marks on the O. W. L’s doesn’t mean you’re a geek,” I told her in a hurt voice. I’d gotten ten as well! “It just means you have a brain!”

“Well, either way, he’s a super nerd.” Celina’s mouth was hanging open. “ _And_ it could ruin Tiff’s popularity and _ours_ , and I just don’t think we should--,”

“Either way, Tiff likes him!” Celina shouted. “So we’re going to support her _and_ her super nerd boyfriend, and you’re just going to have to deal!”

“Well this is sufficiently awkward and strange.” Peter was behind us with Remus, who looked worse than ever. He was visiting his mum that night, and James, Peter, and Sirius would probably be in their dorms, going over a play-by-play analysis of the game. “Do you plan on going to the match any time soon?”

Tiff glared at Peter, but the rest of us smiled. Peter could be sweet sometimes, but he wasn’t good in such uncomfortable situations. We continued to walk down the pitch, though Celina was still glaring at Paige for her outburst against Burt. Tiff tried to look casual, but was letting her brown eyes wander over the crowds of people heading for the playing field. 

“Are you looking for someone?” Remus asked, having noticed Tiff’s roving eyes as well. 

“Oh, erm, just Bert Jessmen.”

“Who?” Remus and Peter asked. Tiff gave them an exasperated look.

“My _boyfriend!_ ” She huffed and walked ahead of us, her eyes still searching for Bert. As unknown as Bert was, I’d never seen Tiff react the way she did with him. Usually, she got very annoyed when her boyfriends walked up to her, feeling that they were much too clingy. Now, the positions were reversed, though I didn’t think Bert would _mind_ seeing Tiff. No one really did.

“What’s wrong with her?” Peter asked.

“Paige was making fun of Tiff’s boyfriend, and she’s just kind of upset.” Celina paused to think. “And she _really_ wants to see him.”

She and I smiled, while Paige rolled her eyes. Suddenly, Josh was next to her, and they were holding hands. Remus and Peter looked surprised again.

“You know,” Peter told Remus glumly. “I think we’re the only ones in the school without significant others.”

Remus shook his head, grinning a toothy smirk. I remembered the letter from Dad that morning, wondering why Remus _and_ James had lied to me. It must’ve been pretty bad. Maybe Remus was…

No. That just wasn’t a possibility. Snape was wrong. It was a ridiculous suspicion that he had no proof to support. I turned to Celina. “Do you know when the next full moon is?”

Remus’ back stiffened, and Peter’s eyes went to my face, as though trying to decipher something. Or maybe they were just intrigued by my eccentric question. Urg! My imagination was running away and invading the spot in my brain that usually held logic.

“Er, I think it’s tonight,” Celina answered, also thrown by my randomness. “Why?”

“I was going to go into the forest to try and draw some of those wood nymphs for extra credit in Care of Magical Creatures--” Remus looked at Peter meaningfully. 

“But, Lily,” Peter interrupted. “Isn’t it against school rules to go into the Forbidden Forest? As Head Girl, you should be setting an example for the younger, less formidable students.”

“And some of the older ones,” Celina muttered, glancing at the two Marauders. 

“I think Celina’s right,” I agreed. “Who are you two to talk about abiding rules and setting examples? I believe it was the _Marauders_ that turned the Slytherin Common Room _pink_ last year!” 

They shifted uncomfortably, and didn’t answer as we climbed up the stands for Gryffindor’s. Josh wasn’t a Gryffindor, but we didn’t think anyone would mind if he stood next to Paige. Everyone was quite frightened of her. 

“So,” Remus said conversationally. “What’s Hufflepuff like?”

“Oh, it’s brilliant!” Josh replied enthusiastically, thrilled to be speaking with a Marauder. “The people are really great. Everyone’s so nice to you!”

“Yes, I’ve heard that,” Peter said sarcastically. Paige glared, and Peter moved from beside me to the last place in the line of Gryffindor’s. Remus laughed, and continued to chat with Josh about everything from Hufflepuff to History of Magic, which, amazingly, they were both fascinated with. I didn’t know how they stayed awake during those lessons! I, Lily Evans, had trouble staying conscious and taking good notes, though I still managed it.

Paige, Celina, and I had just started talking about the next Hogsmead weekend, which would be in the beginning of December, when Madam Scrooch announced that the players were entering the field. 

The commentator, Ryan Derby, began. 

“Here comes the Gryffindor team!” he yelled into the enchanted microphone. “Mercer, Goldstein, Black, Lure, Myers, Blake, and Potter!” The crowd of Gryffindor’s, Ravenclaw’s, and Hufflepuff’s roared as the team few out, cheering and yelling for their favorite players. The Slytherin’s were booing and shouting rude remarks about the players.

“Now entering the pitch, the Slytherin team!” Most of the crowd hissed and yelled out foul words as the names were called. “Wayne, Graham, Ducant, Marks, Jones, Anders, and Crunes!” The Slytherin’s went wild as their players, flying in emerald green and white, touched down on the bottom to begin the match.

“Madam Scrooch throws the Quaffle,” Ryan yelled. “And the game begins! Potter takes possession of the Quaffle, passing it to Blake, and—oh! That’ll hurt in the morning. Blake hit by a Bludger right in the stomach, sent by that absolute toad, Marks. Slytherin in possession now, Jones speeding towards the end of the pitch. In case anyone’s forgotten, Derek Jones actually _fell off_ his broomstick last year, helping Gryffindor’s beat Slytherin for the _third_ year in a row. Ow! Jones is hit by a Bludger sent by Sirius Black.

“Black recently acquired local school Veela, Celina Smith.” Celina gasped next to me, and I couldn’t help but smile. “Okay, so we’re not quite sure she’s a Veela, but come on! Have you seen her?” Sirius was glaring at Ryan from the field, anyone could see it. “Anyway! Quaffle back in possession of Gryffindor, James Potter passes to Meyers, who passes to Blake, back to Potter now!” 

There was a cheer as Gryffindor scored the first ten points, given to them by _my_ boyfriend. As we waited to the Quaffle to go back into play, Ryan started on James.

“James Potter is a Hogwarts hottie, according to the girl next to me, and has been dating his long time crush, Lily Evans, for a total of two days. Nobody really knows _how_ he got her to finally accept, but all of Hogwarts was crushed yesterday when they entered the Great Hall making smoochy faces at each other. We all believe he made her drink a love potion.” My face turned scarlet. Everyone in the stands turned to look at me, and I felt extremely self conscious. 

“And the Quaffle is back in play; Slytherin takes it up the field to the Gryffindor goal posts!”

There was a sudden movement high above the pitch. Maya Goldstein, the Seeker for Gryffindor, was flying as fast as possible, her right hand stretched in front of her. Carl Graham, Seeker for Slytherin, noticed and began following Maya as she sped towards something only she could see: the Golden Snitch. Ryan caught on.

“Maya Goldstein has spotted the Snitch!” he yelled excitedly. I could see James on the field. Trying his best to keep his focus on getting the Quaffle back, but clearly desperate to see how his Seeker was doing. I had the sudden urge to leap from the stands and snog him senseless, but repressed it with the memory that it would mean almost instant death.

Maya was flying fast, at the same time trying to keep Graham from getting beside her. She kept swerving into his path, which Remus said was an amazing strategy for a Third Year. She couldn’t keep it up, though, as it was keeping her from really getting close to the Snitch. She and Graham were soon neck and neck, both keeping their hands outstretched when suddenly—

“And Maya makes a spectacular leap to the Snitch!” Ryan screamed into his microphone. “But misses ever so slightly!”

Maya had attempted to jump for her target, but had missed and almost tumbled from her broom. The crowd gasped as she clung to her broomstick, then spun herself back onto its back. By the time everything had settles, Graham had lost the Snitch. It was no where in sight.

“What a shame,” Ryan said, seeming truly disappointed. “It was a good try, though, Maya, keep up the spirit!”

Maya flew off, looking defeated, and began circling the pitch. I turned my eyes back to James, who was passing the Quaffle between the other two Chasers, Belinda Meyers and Thomas Blake. Everyone turned their attention back to the game, and Maya was left to scour the pitch. 

James and Belinda scored two more goals before Slytherin made its first. The Slytherin’s jeered basically the rest of the school, which made us very angry. Celina started yelling extremely offensive things at the Slytherin’s, mostly concerning their mothers. I thought I was pretty low, but was still _very_ angry with them, and said nothing. 

“I didn’t know Celina liked the game so much,” Peter commented. Remus was starting to look green, Paige and Josh had gone off somewhere, and Celina and I were the only girls left. My eyes were glued to the game—or rather James. He looked so amazing when he was flying. The wind messing up his hair, his fantastic face looking so serious. Ug, why didn’t I play Quidditch?

Oh right, I was deathly afraid of heights. 

“Oh! And Keeper Leah Wayne missed a save again,” Ryan said forlornly as Slytherin scored once more. “Giving Gryffindor just a ten point lead on Slytherin as we reach noon!”

This had to be the longest game of Quidditch I’d ever seen. They’d been playing since nine in the morning, and I was sure that both teams were exhausted! Every one of them were sweating, and it made it even harder to not jump on James as he flew past and winked at me. Celina was shouting at Sirius to knock at least one player from their broom. 

“Come on, Black!” she yelled as he went by, carrying his huge bat. Everyone turned to stare at her, wide-eyed. “You can do better than that! Just hit them on the head, they’ll fall right off!” 

Sirius nodded, and swung at a Bludger that was heading straight for him. He sent it at Aden Marks, a Beater on Slytherin, who was busy hitting one at Belinda. The Bludger got him in the stomach, harder than it had when one had hit Blake earlier in the game. Marks doubled over, falling two feet from his broom. He hadn’t been doing much, and had basically stayed below the proper level throughout the game, hitting Bludgers whenever he chose to, or when it was convenient for him. Stupid git.

“Black hits a Bludger at Aden Marks at request of his girlfriend,” Ryan said, smirking. “Marks has been pretty much useless the entire match, so it’s really no big deal. I expect we’ll never hear the end of it, though. He’s been known to milk every injury for all it’s worth.”

The Gryffindor’s cheered and the Slytherin’s booed. I laughed with Celina, Peter, and Remus, only to be cut off as the Quaffle slipped by David Mercer, Gryffindor Keeper. The Slytherin’s had started chanting.

“ _Gryffindor’s are losers! Gryffindor’s are losers!”_

Needless to say, none of the players took it lightly. An hour later, Gryffindor and Slytherin were still tied, both with one hundred points. James looked worn out, along with everyone else on the team, and everyone watching was hungry, including me. Finally, the Snitch was spotted again.

“Maya Goldstein, flying at top speed, has once again seen the Snitch! In fact, it was hovering right next to Carl Graham, and he failed to notice it! You can tell who the superior player is, here.” 

Maya was racing with Graham, who had noticed his flaw, and kept bumping into her, trying to throw her off course. I was sure it was a penalty, but nobody said anything and I kept quiet. She started to swerve again, but this time it was because she couldn’t keep her balance with Graham knocking into her so much. She was getting closer and closer to the Snitch _and_ falling…

Maya decided it was time to shake Graham, and her fellow teammates did as well. Dropping the Quaffle into Thomas Blake’s hands, Belinda and James flew up to distract Graham. They flew underneath him, not really doing anything to him, but he looked down anyway. That was when he fell.

It was totally legal, according to Remus, but very difficult because you couldn’t actually be sure which Seeker would look, if either of them did. Maya could’ve looked instead of Graham, but they had obviously practiced this tactic before, and she managed to keep her eyes on the Snitch the entire time. 

“And Maya Goldstein catches the Snitch just in time!” Ryan announced. Thomas had just lost the Quaffle, and Jones had launched it at the Gryffindor Keeper in an attempt to get a point before the whistle. The plan backfired, and the goal was scored _after_ Madam Scrooch had sounded the whistle. As the players descended, the Gryffindor’s victorious and Slytherin’s murderous, she began screaming at Derek Jones, to my immense pleasure.

As the team left the pitch, everyone from the stands streamed down to hug and congratulate them. Celina and I were going to be doing something other than hugging…

“James, you won!” I yelled to him, pushing people out of the way. 

“You sound surprised!” he said, looking suspicious. 

“Well I’ve—uh—never _really_ seen you play, er, ever.”

“Why not?”

“Do not forget, James, that I hated you up until now.” He laughed and pulled me into a kiss. Celina and Sirius was a little less subtle, and were practically molesting each other a few feet away.

The party in the Common Room wasn’t that memorable, except that Angela had glared at me from across the room whenever possible, whispering with the She-Devil, Sandra Kiss. Lovely, I know. 

Celina and Sirius seemed practically glued at the hip the entire time, holding hands, snogging, groping, more snogging. It was actually getting quite difficult to be in the same room as them. At least James and I were saving it for when we were alone…not that we were groping each other. No, it was more like a need to be close. 

After the party, I kissed James goodnight and went up to my dorm, Celina, Tiff, and Paige following me. I was conscious of Angela’s eyes on my back as I walked up the stone stairs. They followed me like little grey beads of hate. I shuddered and felt relieved to close the door, ending Angela’s stare. 

That night, I had the dream. Except this time it was more vivid, more precise. I knew what I was looking at in the window, or who. It was Sandra and Selena, heads together, smiles on their faces.

*~~*

I woke in the middle of the night to a howl. I was half relieved that whatever was out there had saved me from dreaming anymore; the dream was worse with the Kiss sisters there, it was a real nightmare. I threw off my blankets, drenched in sweat, and walked to the window next to my bed. There was a full moon out, and I couldn’t see a thing, despite it.

Until I looked harder.

Three students were striding towards the Womping Willow, two tall, one short.

I sucked in all my breath, forgetting any thoughts of my nightmare. I raced out of my dorms as quickly and quietly as humanly possible—okay, a little less quiet because I’m not the most graceful person. Once I reached the stairs, I made a sharp turn and ran up the boys’ staircase, tripping and hitting my shins on the stone steps.

Their dorm was empty of inhabitants. I ran out again, hoping I was totally wrong in any assumptions I’d made. Because that was just what they were; assumptions. I had no proof—well, no _real_ proof—and no reason to believe that Remus Lupin was a werewolf. It wasn’t logical, which was the only way I thought when it came to situations like this one. Logic was my best friend in a desperate situation. 

But was there a way to get around the evidence?

Dad’s letter said that Mrs. Lupin wasn’t sick at all, that Mr. Lupin was there with her. Then again, he couldn’t even be bothered with remembering Remus’ name; calling him Renold wasn’t inspiring confidence in my father. But James wouldn’t lie to me unless it was important, would he? I knew he wouldn’t, unless he was protecting someone. And if that person had been one of his best friends since the First Year. 

_Only one way to find out_ , I convinced myself, and walked out of the dormitory, into the Common Room, and out the Portrait Hole. 


	11. Chapter Eleven

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Eleven_

_I never knew I could hurt like this_  
And everyday life goes on like  
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"  
Miss you but I try not to cry 

_Mariah Carey, Bye Bye_

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

On my way down to the grounds, four teachers stopped to ask me what I was doing out of bed so late. I was able to use the Head Girl response, and they pretty much left me alone after that. They didn’t even notice when I opened the doors in the Entrance Hall and slipped out into the cold night. I’d never liked winter. 

I sprinted to the lake, all the while feeling paranoid and thinking that a teacher was following me. What a disaster _that_ would’ve been. There was no excuse for actually _leaving_ the castle in the dead of night. 

I heard another howl from the direction of the Whomping Willow, followed by a bark, a snort, and a squeak. How many weird noises could I hear in one night? I headed for the huge tree, which had been planted a year before I came to Hogwarts. Some complete prats had thought it would be funny to try and get close enough to touch the massive trunk, and someone lost an eye, I think. After that, all student were banned from going anywhere near that murderous tree, so I found it intriguing that James, Sirius, and Peter would be going anywhere close to it. 

They weren’t there now. I couldn’t find a trace of them. It was like they’d disappeared, though I’d taken enough time getting down here. I walked tentatively closer to that homicidal chunk of wood, wondering how close up I could get before it started attacking me. I was about ten feet from it before the limbs of the tree started swinging around me.

I swore as I jumped over a branch that had tried to trip me, only to end up whacked on the head by another. I fell on the grass, dizzy, and rolled far enough from the tree that it couldn’t wallop me again. _Why?_ I asked myself. _Really, why can’t my sense outweigh my curiosity just this once?_

I debated with myself for a while, considering what might happen when I finally saw James and the Marauders. They might be angry; I _had_ followed them. But, then, James might feel relief because he wouldn’t have to keep a secret from me. Remus would feel embarrassed and maybe a bit worried because he couldn’t be sure I’d keep this terrible secret. Sirius might just laugh, or yell at me for basically stalking them…he’d say I was stalking _him_ , but I could brush that off. Easy. Peter might also be a tad upset, but it would probably be because their little excursions were no longer secret.

I sat about eleven feet away from the murderous tree, keeping my eye on where I knew they must’ve disappeared. I could see a small hole, now that the tree had stopped moving, that was big enough for, at most, a dog to get through. How did the Marauders get down there? Was there a way to expand the hole, make it big enough for four humans to fit? There must be, since James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus couldn’t change into animals.

_Damn!_

If Remus changed into a werewolf, would the rest of the Marauders sit there and do nothing? Nope.

Merlin, why hadn’t I realized it before? I was usually so good at picking these things up! I had patrolled with Remus for two years and never noticed a thing! How could I’ve been so stupid?

I’m not sure how long I sat there, but I fell asleep after a while. I woke with a bit of sunlight streaming onto my face, and frozen half to death. James was poking my shoulder. 

“What?”� I asked him, not really awake. “What do you want?”�

“I want to know why you’re out here, and how long you’ve been here.”� James looked furious. I shrank under his gaze.

“I, well, I kind of woke up to howling.”� His face went blank, obviously trying not to show emotion. “And I’d gotten a letter from Dad yesterday saying that Remus’ mum wasn’t sick in the slightest and that Mr. Lupin was there, anyway. So I got curious, and on the way down to the Quidditch pitch someone mentioned the full moon, and I put two and two together to get four.”�

“Er…what?”�

“I know Remus is a werewolf. And I know what you, Peter, and Sirius are, as well. You’re--,”�

“Can we talk about this somewhere less _open?_ ”� He gestured to the many miles of land between us and the castle.

“James, it’s hardly even dawn, I don’t think anyone will be out here.”�

“You were.”�

I went silent, and let him lead me inside. We walked up to Gryffindor Tower, and then up the boys’ staircase and into the Seventh Year dorm. Sirius and Peter were sitting on beds–most likely _their_ beds–and looked apprehensive when I entered with James. 

“Okay Lily, what you’ve got to understand is that Remus had no choice in the matter,”� James started. “He was bitten when he was little, and he’s had to deal with it all his life.”�

“You know he’s a great person, you’ve known him for almost three years--,”� Sirius began saying, but Peter cut him off.

“What we’re trying to get at,”� he said, looking at me seriously. “Is that Remus is a normal, kind, generous bloke when he’s human. We don’t want you to hurt him at all, just because you now know what he is…or becomes, I guess. We’d understand if you didn’t want to talk to him, or be around him anymore–loads of people who find out react the same way. But we don’t want you spreading this around, or purposely avoiding him: it hurts.”�

I glared at him, narrowing my eyes and setting my mouth in a thin line. The heat of my gaze seemed to frighten the three, as they knew my famous temper.

“Wormtail,”� James said in a warning tone. “I know that look, that look is not your friend!”�

Peter started to lose what confidence he’d gotten while speaking with me, and he was almost shrinking back from the power of my anger.

“You think that just because Remus turns into some furry dog every month that I won’t want to even be near him?”� I yelled, and Peter fell off his bed in shock. “Do you think I don’t know all the pain and suffering he has to go through every…bloody…month? I’ve read all about werewolves, and I can’t believe you think of me so low as to not like Remus for something he can’t control! You’re right, Sirius, I _do_ know Remus, maybe better than anyone other than you three. I patrolled with him for years, and I know just how wonderful a person he is while he’s human! I-I-I…”� My sudden anger wore off as I realized what I had just been about to reveal.

“What?”� Sirius asked, leaning forward as if it would help him hear my thoughts. 

“I used to have a crush on him,”� I whispered, mortified that I was even telling them. “It was only the end of last year and maybe a week this year, but when I got to know him, I thought he was the kind of person I could really get along with.”�

“You used to crush on Remus?”� James asked, his voice higher than usual. Sirius and Peter smirked. “Why? Why would you crush on Remus, but not me?”�

“Not the point, James,”� I answered shortly. “Anyway, I think that if I had known then that he was a werewolf, it wouldn’t make a difference. Sure, I might lock myself in my room every full moon, but during the rest of the month I’d have no fears being around Remus. I can’t believe you’d think that of me! It’s insulting!”�

“I didn’t think that! Peter said it, and Sirius is an idiot!”�

“Oi!”�

“Shut up, please.”� I took a small breath. “You don’t have to worry about me revealing Remus’ secret. I won’t even tell Celina. _And_ I can guarantee that I won’t be any different around him.”� James got off his bed and walked over to me, slinging his arm over my shoulders.

“I told you,”� he said. “Isn’t she marvelous?”� Sirius mimed gagging.

“I’m not finished.”� I whirled around to face him, his arm vanishing from my shoulders and my hands placing themselves on my hips. “You’re an _illegal Animagus!_ What were you thinking, have you gone mad? Do you know that if anyone else finds out, you could go to Azkaban?”�

“We thought it would help Remus!”� James shouted, his hands flying up to protect his face, should I turn violent. Smart deer. “That way we could be there when he transforms and it wouldn’t be as bad!”�

“We were only thinking of him, Lily,”� Peter told me, edging father away. “Really, it took awhile to figure it out, but we became Animagi to help Remus with the transformation process, to make it more bearable.”� 

“That doesn’t matter to me! What matters is that you’re risking so much to help him! It’s very noble of you, but I think it’s also very stupid. What would Dumbledore say? He must’ve had to pull some strings to even allow Remus into school!”�

“He did,”� Sirius said. “And it was great of him, but he couldn’t really know how much it hurts for Remus to transform every month, and have to be alone before, during, and after. Smart as Dumbledore is, he’s not a werewolf, and that sort of pain is something you can’t read about in books, Lily. So, when we’re with him, he can’t hurt anybody or himself.”�

“But what if one of you gets hurt?”� I demanded, my voice softening. As much as I disliked Sirius, and sometimes Peter, I didn’t want them killed by their best friend. I didn’t want James harmed either…especially not him. “He can’t control himself when he’s…like that. He can’t possibly remember that you’re his friends.”�

“No, he doesn’t.”� James looked almost ashamed to say it. “But after the first time, he realized, in wolf form, that we were trying to help him, and he stopped getting so violent. Sirius and I are pretty big, so it’s not all that difficult to keep Remus in check. You don’t have to worry.”�

I still worried, nothing they said could change it, but I felt slightly reassured. “I want to know how you’ve kept it quiet all this time. It’s so obvious, once you think about it. You’re little nicknames practically scream ‘animal’. James is some kind of deer--,”�

“I’m a _stag_ , Lils. It’s much more macho.”�

“Fine, whatever, antler boy. Padfoot...I suppose you’re a dog, Sirius. And Peter must be a rodent of some kind, right?”�

“I’m a rat,”� he answered proudly, smiling, and for the first time I noticed that his teeth were rather…rat-like. “You’re not mad at James for keeping it a secret?”�

“No.”� My eyes roamed their faces, trying to figure out what they could possibly be thinking. Did they think I was an idiot, or just loony? _I_ thought that maybe I was a bit touched in the head for not even minding that one of my friends was a werewolf, but when I really thought about it, it didn’t make a difference to me. Remus was so nice to everyone, except Slytherin’s. It was his true nature to be polite to people, and he was so nice during our patrolling sessions! That was the Remus I knew, and his being a werewolf couldn’t change that.

*~~*

Three days later, I found myself in the library with a rather large book in front of me. James and Celina had left, while I continued to briefly scan paragraphs, hoping to find _something_ that would help me with the ridiculously hard Ancient Runes essay I was trying to complete. It wasn’t a particularly hard subject, and I found it interesting enough, but that days’ lesson hadn’t held my attention for long, I’d had so many things on my already too-crowded mind. 

I was just about to write my conclusion, when a soft voice made me jump and spill ink all over my parchment. 

“Lily.”� 

My head whipped around, and my eyes searched for a face. Severus Snape was behind me, though I couldn’t say how long he’d been there. I glared.

“Can I help you?”� My tone was like acid, seeming to burn through his ridiculous coolness. His eyes changed for a moment, before going back to a hard black. 

“Do you believe me, now?”� 

“Pardon?”�

“Do you believe everything I’ve said about… _him_?”� Remus. How had Snape found out about him? He’d always had those suspicions, but what could be possibly know that confirmed them? I remembered when James had saved Snape from death a few years ago, when he’d gone down the tunnel by the Whomping Willow. I could almost hear the conversation in my head.

“ _They sneak out late at night. There’s something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?”�_

_“He’s ill. They say he’s ill --”�_

_“Every month at the full moon?”�_

“Snape, I know what you think.”� I was speaking slowly, trying to make sure I didn’t reveal anything he could use against me. “But you’re wrong.”� And he was, it wasn’t exactly a lie. Remus wasn’t some monster to be wary of. That was what Snape had thought, and still did. He thought Remus was dangerous, and that he shouldn’t even be in school.

“How? How is this different from what I told you in Fourth Year? Did _Potter_ tell you something that made it seem okay?”� 

I could hear the malice in his voice when he mentioned James. It stung horribly, and I brushed it off. I knew more than Snape did, now. I was all too well informed on what happened, without a sugarcoating. 

“It’s different because I know them now,”� I said through gritted teeth. “I know that whatever happens to him, Remus is as safe as when he’s…normal.”�

“You’re putting yourself in danger, Lily,”� Snape’s voice seemed pleading now. “I can’t let you do that! I can’t!”�

I slammed my book shut and gathered my things. I could take care of the spilled ink and conclusion in the Common Room.

“Since when have you ever cared about a Mudblood?”� 

*~~*

I’d hurt him. I knew I had. It felt like hurting James all over again, but this time there were scars. I had never regretted leaving Severus behind in Fifth Year. It had made my life better. I knew it had been terrible for him, but I consoled myself by saying that what he was doing wasn’t right, and I couldn’t condone it anymore without losing all respect for myself. Mary MacDonald hadn’t deserved anything Severus’s friends had done. She was a sweet Sixth Year now.

I’d never felt badly about rejecting James, and the way I’d felt that one night was fresh, a new cut. It didn’t sting as much, but it was still painful. The scars from Severus had been deep and rough. Now, it seemed like I was reopening them just when they’d healed, and pouring salt into them as they bled freely. 

It was the worst night I’d ever had.

My nightmares were clearer. It was the same scene as always, but now I could see Severus arguing with Derek Jones about something, waving his hands until Jones pulled out his wand and threatened something. Severus quieted, looking anxiously around. Our eyes met, and I felt like he was going to come over to talk with me, but moved away first. That was when the usual dream came. When I turned, I could see Selena and Sandra talking and grinning.

Then Angela sat down beside them. 

*~~*

“Do I really have to be here?”� I asked James, shivering beside him as we walked down to the Quidditch pitch for the last practice until about March. They’d played against Ravenclaw once, two days ago, and were still elated from their two straight wins. It was early in the morning, a bit before breakfast. “I’m not even on the team, it’s really very unnecessary to expose me to such freezing temperatures.”�

“I want you to see is practicing, as an unbiased observer, and tell me how well we work together.”� He looked amused by my reaction to the cold, a small grin playing across his handsome face. “Please?”�

It was impossible to refuse when he said it like that. I’d thought it was the girls’ job to say ‘please?’ and get whatever she wanted. I didn’t like the roles reversing. “Fine,”� I said reluctantly. “But if I die from pneumonia, it’s on your conscience.”�

“I can deal with that.”� I punched him in the arm, which ended up hurting my hand, and let him drag me down to the pitch. I dutifully waited in the stands as the Gryffindor team dressed for practice, casting the Impervious Charm around me to keep the brutal November wind from blowing through me. It worked pretty well, and I was reasonably comfortable when the team flew onto the pitch, which was now browning from lack of sunlight…ahhh, sunlight. 

As they started going through drills, I noticed that they moved remarkably well together, moving through these strategies seamlessly. James hardly had to yell instructions, and the Chasers flew with precision. They really focused on what goal post would be best, which teammate would be able to make the shot, and how well they could manage the whole thing. Sirius and Katie Lure were hitting the Bludgers at one another, apparently working on their own accuracy. Maya was flying around the entire pitch, circling it in search of a Snitch that my eyes couldn’t see.

Without the other team getting in the way, the Gryffindor team was most likely the best at Hogwarts. For all I knew about Quidditch, I thought they were the best in the world!

“We’re not really all that good,”� James informed me once I’d told him my ‘observation’. “If you go to a _real_ Quidditch match, then you’ll see amazing. Personally, I think the Irish team is one of the better ones, but a lot of people go with those Holyhead Harpies. For girls, I hear they play pretty rough!”�

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”�

“Just that, well…”� He was afraid of making a mistake and insulting me, so he just left it at that. I huffed, and linked my arm in his to show I wasn’t that serious about the sport. We entered the Great Hall, one of the first, with Sirius and the team behind us. We took our normal seats as the rest of the school trickled in, having slept late since it was Sunday. Tiff looked more tired than usual.

“What’s up?”� Paige asked as she shoved some bacon down her throat.

“I had an awful dream last night.”� Tiff shook her head, as if trying to shake the dream from her mind. “I was sitting in a bar, waiting for someone, I suppose, and then Bert walked in with some other girl! What do you think it means?”� Tiff seemed the think that Paige was a better psychiatrist than I did. Peter looked dubious as to why Tiff would ask Paige such a thing. We waited for the answer. 

“I think you’re scared that he’s going to find another girl,”� she concluded after much thought. I was shocked that Paige had given such…believable advice! “You haven’t been with him long, so it’s not like you know him that well. You’re probably just in doubt of his character, even though he’s a Hufflepuff. I’ve never set much in store by housing, personally, but they tend to be very kind, so I’m not sure what you’re worrying about!”�

Tiff didn’t look convinced and stared at her cereal sulkily. 

“Wow, Paige,”� Sirius said in awe. “That’s the best dream advice I’ve hear to give since you started this crazy psychology thing! When I told you about my dream of fat people chasing me around Hogwarts, you said to join a gym, whatever that is!”�

Paige glared.

The owls flew in, carrying all our mail. I hadn’t written back to Dad, so all I had waiting for me was _The Daily Prophet_ and some bad news. I skimmed the headlines, looking for something that had gone right in the world. There was nothing but an ad for All-Purpose Hair Remover. Oh yes, very clever.

Somewhere at the Ravenclaw table, a girl shrieked, dropping the letter she was reading into her pumpkin juice. My head snapped up. Susan Crowley was in Seventh Year, like me. She had a little sister in Hufflepuff, Ingrid, who had just started school.

“What’s the matter?”� James whispered to Sirius.

“Search me,”� he answered, apparently trying to look nonchalant and failing. He looked concerned, something that never happened with the famous Sirius Black. “Maybe she’s broken a nail.”� Celina sniffed, and Remus looked shocked. I read through my paper more thoroughly, the headline on the third page catching my eye this time.

**MINISTRY WORKER KILLED**

I started reading the article underneath it. 

_Auror Carrie Crowley, age 36, was found dead on the morning of November 10. Reliable sources say that this was the work of notorious murderer, You-Know-Who. Cajus Quigley reports._

_A Muggle neighbor, Kelly Grind, called the police at three in the morning when she saw a green skull with a snake coming out of its mouth over Ms. Crowley’s home. “The place looked fine, ‘cept for the door hanging off the hinges.”� Ministry officials were on the scene before the Muggle police got there, Confunding Mrs. Grind and the officers that showed up later in the evening so as to help them forget the horrific scene._

_Ms. Crowley was found in her kitchen, spread eagle, and showing the affects of someone killed by the Killing Curse. The Ministry refused to comment, but reporters were able to see the victim being taken from her home. The woman was known to have imprisoned three Death Eaters, followers of You-Know-Who, and many say that this was revenge._

_“Carrie was a good soul,”� Amelia Eaton, Head of the Auror Department, and Ms. Crowley’s boss. “She was very dedicated to her job, and will be much missed now that she’s gone.”�_

_Ms. Crowley’s family is to hold an open funeral on the 13th, and invites anyone to help them grieve a beloved sister and aunt._

“Guys,”� I said, handing Celina the paper so she could read it aloud. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

She read in her clear, ringing voice, though it became harder to understand as her eyes welled up and she began sobbing. Tiff, Paige, and Peter were silent, while James, Remus, and Sirius began conversing in low tones. 

This was the first death to actually hit a student in Hogwarts. Carrie Crowley was obviously Susan’s and Ingrid’s aunt. Nobody had been directly affected by Voldemort before now. It made it all seem so much more real. Here, sheltered in Hogwarts and away from all danger, it was hard to remember that there was a war going on back in the real world, except for the occasional news article. Now, it seemed to dawn on the whole school that people were dying out there, and, for those in Seventh Year, that we were leaving safety and entering that war. 

“Do you notice,”� Remus said in a disgusted voice “that they don’t even call him Voldemort anymore? They call him ‘You-Know-Who’ or ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’. It’s terrible!”�

“And,”� Paige added in a similar tone “that Voldemort has a sign now? That same mark was over the houses of three other murders. It won’t be long until the whole world is scared of snakes, too!”� 

I nodded deftly, thinking of my father back at home. Was he okay? I thought of Petunia, off at university, preparing for her wedding. I couldn’t be there to protect them, and I was frightened. I wanted to skip my first class and run back to my dorm to write them a letter, just to confirm they were still alive. If witches and wizards were being hunted, what was happening to those without magic? 

Paige’s head was bent over her cold bacon, and I knew she was thinking of her mother, the one who despised magic. I looked down a few seats at Angela’s face. Her parents were Muggles, no matter how much she tried to hide it. She looked perfectly untroubled by the recent events, though her stormy eyes looked a little out of it. Was she thinking of her dad, who was an accountant? Her mother and little brother? 

All across the Great Hall I could see anxious faces, and people furiously whispering to one another. I also saw nervous glances at the Slytherin table, the only table that seemed unworried by what had happened. People looked around the entire room; apparently, they were unsure as to whom they could trust, now. Ingrid was crying into Susan’s shoulder as her big sister tried to stop crying herself. Professor Flitwick, their head of house, left the staff table to take the girls out of the hall. Professor Dumbledore left a few minutes later. 

“Imagine if it had happened to one of us?”� Celina whispered in a terrified voice. “If one of our friends or our family had been killed?”�

No one answered.

**A/N: I'm not sure I like the begining of this chapter, but it was nessescary for the story, so don't hate me too much for posting it! Review!**


	12. Chapter Twelve

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Twelve_

_And it's all in how you mix the two_  
and it starts just where the light exists  
it's a feeling that you cannot miss  
and it burns a hole  
through everyone that feels it

_The Used, Blue and Yellow_

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Has anyone seen James?” I asked that night. 

“I killed him and ate his small intestine.” Sirius looked completely at ease, despite what had happened throughout the day. Ingrid and Susan Crowley had been taken from school after breakfast, not only to go to their aunt’s funeral and spend some time with their family, but to be schooled at home. Another student was called out of lunch because their grandmother had been cursed, and one Fifth Year student had to be given a Calming Drought because they had _just_ realized their O.W. L’s were coming up in June. All in all, not one of the best days fo  
r Hogwarts.

“I’m serious, Sirius--!”

“Lily, I’m Sir--!”

“Don’t start that!” Paige moaned, clutching her head. “I’ve possibly got the worst headache known to mankind.” 

Paige, Tiff, Celina, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and I sat in the Common Room, attempting to finish our homework. We’d left it to the last minute—something unheard of for me—preferring to play Quidditch and watch the Marauder’s play Quidditch. It had been easy to forget, even for a few hours, what had happened during breakfast, but the reminder in lunch had basically ruined everything. We’d been in the Common Room since noon, enjoying the light and warmth from the roaring fire in front of us.

“Does anybody know how to get Doxies into a cage?” Celina asked, looking up from her Care of Magical Creatures homework. “I haven’t a clue.”

“Try Crumple Headed Snorkacks.”

We looked around at Peter, who turned red and said, “That loony girl in Fifth Year started talking about them at lunch. I’ve had them in my head ever since.”

“Probably because of those damn Wrackspurts!” Celina laughed. She was silenced, however, when the girl, her name was Aime Latimbre, glowered at her from behind a magazine.

James came in, looking slightly confused.

“What’s wrong, mate?” Sirius asked, finally looking concerned. 

“It’s nothing, I just, er…” He glanced quickly at Tiff, who was finishing her Transfiguration essay and did not notice. “I ran into an old friend.”

“Who?” Remus didn’t look all that curious, but his voice was sharp, as if he understood what James was saying. 

“Carl…Carlisle.”

“And how is dear _Carl Carlisle?”_ Sirius looked sarcastic when he said the ridiculous name.

“Er…not well.” James shook his head. “Not well at all.”

My eyes narrowed. James was a horrible liar when it came to important stuff, such as when he’d tried to lie about Remus. I noticed that Peter was staring at his History of Magic book, but had been reading the same page since James had entered. Sirius was looking right at his friend, like he was attempting to read James’s face for a clue.

“You know what?” Sirius asked, getting up from his armchair and stretching. Remus and Peter followed suit. “I think I’ve had enough studying. I’m stealing Celina off to a broom cupboard.” Celina giggled and they ran to the Portrait Hole. Remus and Peter said that they were tired, and would finish their homework during a free period the next day. Before leaving though, Remus whispered something to Paige. She gasped and got up as well.

“Lily, I think I have your bra in my trunk upstairs. Will you come get it with me?”

“You’ve never borrowed one of my bras!” I whispered furiously, blushing deeply. “We’re not even the same size! What is the matter with you?” I tensed when she started towards me, just in case things got violent. 

“Just come with me to the dorm, Lily, or I swear to Merlin--” She did not finish her threat, because Tiff interrupted her.

“What’s going on?” She looked wary, her brown eyes darting from James, to Paige, to me, and back again. “Why are you all acting so strangely? Has something happened?”

“Um, well, yes Tiff,” James admitted. Paige sat back down, and I relaxed a bit. “I’ve just seen someone--”

“Yes, I know.” Tiff rolled her eyes. “Carl Carlisle. Genius, by the way.”

“Er, thanks. But I didn’t see Carl What’s-His-Face. I saw Bert.”

She seemed to know what he was about to saw. “Who was he with?” she asked quietly. 

“Sandra Kiss. They were…kissing.”

A single tear rolled down Tiff’s cheek, and I felt something snap inside my body. How could he do this to Tiff? She was so wonderful, so nice and perfect. I’d already forgotten our one night quarrel.

Tiff had spent every waking moment since the small fight trying to make it up to me. It seemed that I could do no wrong, now, and she defended me to everyone. She called me beautiful, elegant, and clever about ten times a day! 

How could someone do this to dear, sweet, gentle Tiff? She only nodded, and asked where they were, then walked out the Portrait Hole to the Library. I distantly heard Paige getting up and following her out. 

“Lily? Are you okay?”

My face must’ve turned red in anger, and I knew my hands were curled into fists on my knees, trying to control the anger inside of me, to become in power with my temper. I was dangerous. If Sandra came through the doorway, I might not have been able to stop myself from cursing her to Australia. James knew me well enough to see it. My eyes only narrowed when I was in a rage. 

I shook my head, and James lifted me from my armchair, sat down, and the pulled me into his lap. I could feel his warm breath on my neck; it sent chills up my spine. He was breathing evenly into my hair. The steady pulse of his heart was loud, and I began to calm down. I took deep breaths, letting my fury drift away, my own hear pounding loudly in my ears. I was sure he could hear it too. 

My anger was completely gone, replaced by a longing. I turned my face behind me, putting a hand on his cheek and catching his lips, keeping them there for a long time, until the strange buzzing in my veins had subsided. 

James sighed, untangling his fingers from my hair. I pulled myself closer, until I knew I couldn’t get any nearer. We just sat there for a long time, obviously thinking about different things.

I’d kissed him that way because I was worried, nervous, and unsure. What was stopping him from doing the same thing to me? I knew that, in the past, he had cheated on plenty of girls. They’d _all_ been seen crying, sobbing that they thought he loved them. He’d told them they were special, perfect. It was what he told me. The doubt in my head spread to my heart, and it started speeding up again. All those girls had been prettier than me, smarter, wittier, _better_. 

But around James, I felt like _I_ was better than them. He made me feel different about myself. I was more confident, and definitely happier, with him, but it was exactly how the other girlfriends had felt. What made me so different from them? Bert and Tiff had seemed perfectly wonderful together. In the few weeks they’d dated, Bert had showed no sign of letting his affections stray to anyone—not Sandra, not any other girl. Yet, he _had_ cheated.

What was stopping James from doing it to me? 

*~~*

I sat in the back of Transfiguration the next day, something that happened once in a pink moon…never. I was still thinking about my problem with James. Maybe not quite a problem, but something serious, none the less. Professor McGonagall was saying something I knew was important, but, at the moment, I didn’t care. 

And then I saw something. James sat in front of me, Remus next to him, and our chairs were open backed, so as to stop us from falling asleep. It never worked. 

I saw James Potter’s arse, and it was amazing.

I’m not one to look _there_ but it was quite unavoidable. For a second, all my doubts were pushed away. I was sure, in that moment, that nothing was wrong with my life. I had the best boyfriend in the world, friends that I could depend on, and a family waiting for me back home. Then my eyes moved to Angela, still sitting with a Kiss sister—this time Selena, since we shared a Transfiguration class that day with Slytherin’s—but with her eyes looking blank. I was sure she was reconsidering her choice in friends.

Seeing Selena made me think of her vile sister, and then of Bert, then Tiff, who’d come into the dorm late into the night, sobbing that she was sorry she’d ever dated him. Finally, I thought of my numerous doubts of James’s character. 

Sirius and Celina were sitting next to each other, blissfully unaware of how every girl/boy in the class practically glared at them. The two most beautiful people in Hogwarts, dating each other. It was probably the longest relationship either of them had been in. Why could they do that? Just kiss, laugh, and look at each other without wondering which one of them was dating another person? They both had track records, and while I couldn’t imagine why anybody would cheat on Celina, it had worried her. But not with Sirius. Why couldn’t _I_ do that? Just fall for someone, never worry about what I was doing wrong, or what I might do wrong in the future? 

It wasn’t fair. 

I forced myself to pay attention to Professor McGonagall again, as she began lecturing us about our N.E.W.T’s, those dreadful exams. As if I didn’t have enough on my mind already?

After class, James held my hand as we walked to the Great Hall for lunch. There had been a dementor attack that morning, and Claire Wont had been taken to the Headmaster’s office. Suddenly, the families of students in Hogwarts weren’t safe. I’d begun to notice that Slytherin House remained untouched by tragedy. No deaths, no horrific ‘accidents’, nothing at all. 

“I don’t like this,” Paige said, stabbing some ham slices with a fork to make a sandwich. “No one’s happy anymore! Remember when people actually smiled?”

“Ah,” Peter said wistfully. “Those were the days.” Remus and James nodded. I looked at my salad. 

“I think I’ll spend my free period in the dorm.” Tiff got up and left leaving her untouched slice of pie behind her.

“I’m worried,” Celina said, staring after her. “Paige, do you think you could channel that violent behavior in a more positive way? Like, I don’t know, beating Bert Jessmen to a pulp?”

Her eyes lit up, and I had to intervene. 

“No.” My voice was surprisingly firm. “That will only get you expelled. Violence is never the answer.” 

“You sound like my mum.” But Paige didn’t say anything more, and I could see the glow in her pretty eyes fading. After lunch, James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus left to go do something Marauder-ish, and Paige, Celina, and I began the long walk back to the Common Room. That was when Paige spoke again.

“I have to pee like a racehorse.” She used one of Celina’s favorite phrases.

Celina, who was walking next to me, began making a strange sound in the back of her throat. “Racehorses d-don’t pee!”

“Yes, they do,” Paige said in a worried voice. Celina’s reaction was strange. “Everything pees, Celina!”

“That’s a-a-a book, and i-it’s c-c-called _Everybody Poops!_ ” Celina’s chest started heaving as she sobbed, and I wracked my brain for the reason why.

Just then, Angela passed us with Sandra, looking at Celina anxiously. She had obviously heard the conversation. Tears were dripping down her nose.

_“Dear Merlin, I have to pee like a racehorse,”_ __

“Don’t be thick, racehorses don’t pee!”

__

I remembered it perfectly now. It was when I’d officially decided to end my friendship with James. My own tears started dripping as well. 

**A/N: Aime Latimbre roughly translates in French to Love the Loony, which would describe Luna’s mothers'** **love for Xenophilius Lovegood…who is, let’s face it, QUITE loony.** ****

Also, this chapter is quite short, but I didn’t want to ruin the flow by making it longer than required. Review! 

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	13. Chapter Thirteen

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Thirteen_

Celina’s POV

_But you’re just a boy_  
You don’t understand  
Yeah you don’t understand  
How it feels to love a girl someday  
You wish you were a better man  
You don’t listen to her  
You don’t care how it hurts  
Until you lose the one you wanted  
Cause you’ve taken her for granted  
And everything you have got destroyed  
But you’re just a boy __

Beyonce, If I Were a Boy

______________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

After my all-out sobbing session with Lily—Paige had gone back to the dorm, preferring to stay away from _real_ emotions—I started roaming the castle, thinking about the look on Lily’s face today in Transfiguration, wondering what it meant.

She looked…jealous, for some reason.

I couldn’t imagine why. Lily had everything: a great boyfriend, good grades, and some damn good friends—if I said so myself…which I did. I, however, had a physical, but seriously lacking in that ‘care’ part of the relationship, boyfriend, I was getting a P in two of my classes, and, well, we had the same friends, so there was no difference there.

I saw the way James looked at her, like he had eyes _only_ for her. Sirius’s roaming gray eyes were still searching the female population at Hogwarts, even though he had me. Lately, it had been worrying me.

I wasn’t stupid; I knew how I looked to everyone else. I also knew why, and I didn’t like it at all. I didn’t want to be _one of them_. At least I was only half! I turned into a corridor, opening a door concealed by a tapestry and bumping into someone. Or rather, two someones.

“Sirius?” I asked, my voice quivering a bit.

Sirius Black, my boyfriend of about a month, was standing in his boxers, making out with a girl who was missing some crucial articles of clothing, namely her pants.

“Celina, wait, I can expain!” Sirius called as I ran out the door.

Why was it that whenever someone got caught cheating, or even just doing something they weren’t supposed to, they said they could explain? What was there to explain? Was he going to give me the details about _how_ he ended up in a secret passage cheating on me? Or was he going to explain _why_ he was doing it, like that would make it so much easier to deal with what had happened.

I’d never been cheated on in my life. I knew I was beautiful, not that I enjoyed it, and every boy I’d ever dated had been totally happy to kiss me, hold me, or even just be near me. I liked being doted upon, and when I started going out with Sirius, ladies man and make out machine, I’d noticed that had stopped. He was much like me; attractive, bold, outgoing. He was never with a girl for more than two weeks, at most. It was a record that he’d stayed with me for so long.

I didn’t count myself very lucky.

I wondered how long it had been happening, the cheating, lying, and betraying. I’d done my share of immoral behavior in, oh, _Fourth Year_. I’d stopped when I realized I didn’t enjoy that little thrill of danger anymore, the small ecstasy of wondering whether I’d get caught, or if I could get away with another kiss.

I could hear him behind me as I sprinted through the numerous passages in Hogwarts, yelling for me to stop so he could ‘explain’.

I didn’t want his explanations, I didn’t care. Maybe this was karma for everything I’d done earlier. The one person I’d actually cared for, even the tiniest bit. It’s not like he even really cared, he was just a boy...

He was faster than me, after years of Quidditch training. I’d never been the athletic type, and for once I wished I’d gotten up once in a while to run with him, then maybe I would’ve had a better chance of beating him.

He grabbed my arm, spinning me around with amazing strength.

I looked him in the eye, and for a moment I could tell that he was dazzled by me, my beauty, everything I’d tried to avoid. He opened his mouth to speak, trying to apologize for what he’d done, but I cut him off. I didn’t want him to say sorry just so that we could go back to making out every five minutes. I was sick of it. I wanted a relationship like Lily’s, with communication, and those looks where you knew they were more than boyfriend and girlfriend.

“Fuck you.”

I twisted away from Sirius and ran to Gryffindor Common Room, not letting anymore tears shed from my eyes.

**A/N: Unlucky number 13, there had to be some bad news. Sorry about the intense swear word, but in real life, I'm only thirteen and use it fifteen times a day, and so does the rest of the world.** ****

The next chapter will be MUCH longer, and back to Lily’s POV. Hope you enjoyed Celina’s sorrow, but really, how long could THAT relationship last? Review!

****


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Fourteen_

_With lights and sounds,_  
Oh God, this is such a mess,  
And it's like our world, but we're the last ones left  
And the hair, it stands on the back of our necks  
And I swear, it shows  
Heaven must be just like this 

Angels and Airwaves, Heaven

______________________________________________________________________________

November was going out with a bang. There had been four storms in the past week, all including hail, so our Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures classes were cancelled. I didn’t take CMC, but Celina did, and she was overjoyed to stay in the Common Room instead.

After their breakup, all of Hogwarts had celebrated because their favorite bachelor was once again, well, a bachelor. Celina avoided Sirius at all times, glaring when she was forced to put up with his presence, and looking sad when he was no where near. It was killing me.

As James and I patrolled one night, we passed the Slytherin prefects going on their rounds. I nodded to them—James gave a small jerk of the head, a start—and they made no response.

“Why don’t you like the Slytherin’s?” I asked James once they were out of sight.

“Hate Slytherin’s,” James said automatically, and I laughed. There were some things that James could never outgrow. “And it’s because they think they’re better than everyone else, just because they’re in some stupid house with a snake emblem. You know, half of them are going to join Voldemort when they leave, and I can’t think of how many new followers he’s going to have against us.”

“Who’s ‘us’?” I asked hesitantly. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

“Well, the resistance. The people who are gonna fight him when _we_ get out of Hogwarts. I’m going to put my whole life towards it.”

He spoke proudly, sure of everything. It made me angry. “How are you supposed to live? I’m sure ‘the resistance’ doesn’t pay.”

James tried to smile, but failed miserably. “My parents have some money put away for me when they, er, die. They’re pretty on in their years, so I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

I nodded. 

“Lils, I’ve just thought of a Muggle game I’ve been dying to try.” He spoke with new enthusiasm, though I could see that James was trying to change the subject.

“And what game is that?” I inquired warily, frightened of the answer.

“Truth or Dare.”

“Truth or Dare?”

“Haven’t I already said that? Yes! Truth or Dare.”

“James,” I said uneasily. “I’m not sure I want to play that game with _you_ of all people.”

“Why not?” 

“Because it’s between telling the truth about whatever you might ask me, and doing some terrible dare you’ll assign me. I can see that this game won’t end well for either of us.”

“But you get to ask weird questions and assign terrible dares too!” James stopped walking, and was looking eagerly into my face. Sometimes he was just like a two-year-old. But then he gave me this grin, kind of crooked and showing his teeth a bit and my heart fluttered in my chest.

I sighed in defeat and he started walking again, pleased by my surrender. “Okay. But I get to go first.”

“Alright, shoot.”

“Truth or Dare?”

“Dare,” James said without a second’s hesitation. I hated Dare, because I wanted to learn more about James, and this seemed to be the only way. I’d have to think of such a terrible dare that he’d pick Truth for the rest of the night.

“Okay. Go snog that Slytherin prefect back there.”

“What?” His face was completely surprised? He’d been expecting ‘pick your nose’, or something like that. I played dirty.

“You heard me. I’m giving you permission to snog a girl right in front of me. Go for it!”

“But-but Lily, she’s a Slytherin! I’ve never even flirted with a Slytherin before!”

“Go, or you admit that I am the superior life-form, and that you lost after one Dare because you were _scared_.”

“Not scared,” he said, looking back at the Slytherin. “Disgusted is more like it.”

I waited. 

James took off at a run, sprinting back to the prefect, and pushing the guy out of the way. He grabbed her waist and started snogging her, though he looked somewhat sick. I burned with jealously, my cheeks turning red, and was relieved when he pushed her away and ran back to me. 

The jealousy was starting to go down, but I’d never felt like that before. It was like someone had told me Dad didn’t love me anymore, that Petunia was his favorite, but intensified to one hundred times. I hated it.

“You don’t happen to have some mouthwash, do you?” I laughed, happy that he hadn’t enjoyed the experience of kissing another girl for the first time in a full month…or so I hoped.

“Truth or Dare?” James asked me with a devilish look in his eyes. I knew better than to pick Dare with James. 

“Truth, duh.”

“Why don’t you mention your mother?”

That hit home. It was his revenge for the kiss, but he probably didn’t know how much it really hurt. He was probably thinking divorce, or maybe just a bad relationship with her. My face must’ve shown my feelings about it, and James’s face fell.

“You don’t have to answer that, Lily,” he said quickly, taking my arm. “I’ll just ask another question.” I nodded, blinking back my tears. “Um, okay, well, what’s you’re favorite color?”

“Why my favorite color?”

“I want to get to know you even better than I already do. I pride myself on knowing almost everything about you…except your favorite color. Now out with it!” I thought for a little while, while he looked at me, studying my face for sign of sadness.

“Brown.” 

“Brown? 

“Brown.”

“Why brown?”

“I’ve always had this weird thing where I feel badly for inanimate objects, or colors, or animals. Like when I was six, my family had a garage sale, and Dad tried to give away all my baby toys. I felt horrible, because I thought that they’d think I didn’t want them anymore, so I picked up entire box and shoved it all the way up the stairs, into my room, into my closet, and up to the attic. I don’t think Dad even knows. 

“I like brown because no one else likes it. They always go for pink, or blue, or green, but never brown. I think it feels left out.”

“That’s…” James seemed to be at a loss for words as we walked down the staircase to the second floor. I was mentally bracing myself for the jeering. “That’s so… _sweet_!”

“What? You don’t think I’m crazy? You think I’m sweet, of all things?”

“Even at six, you were a little softie.” I grimaced. “I knew that deep down you always had that soft side! Let’s talk about that some more.”

“Oh no! You’re not getting off the hook! Truth or Dare?”

James sighed wistfully. “Truth, I guess. The next Dare I get could be to make out with Professor McGonagall.” 

“Or Dumbledore,” I added, teasing him just a bit. “Okay, why do you want to join the resistance so much?”

He thought for a bit, swinging our entwined hands back and forth rhythmically. “I guess it’s because I don’t want anyone to be in this much pain anymore. With Voldemort, people have stopped _living_. It’s like they’re constantly looking over their shoulders for a Death Eater to pop out and curse they’re family. They don’t know who to trust, and their entire lives are run by fear. I hate it. They can’t even trust they’re friends!”

“Why is that so important? I’ve learned better than anyone that you can’t trust your friends!”

“But if you can’t trust in your friends, the ones who’ve been there for you in the worst of times, who can you trust? It’s a terrible time when you’re closest friends seem like your enemies.”

I took in the meaning of his words. It seemed like he thought it was the worst kind of blasphemy to doubt his friends. No wonder he still hung out with Sirius after what he’d done to Celina. No matter what, James was faithful to his friends. They probably could’ve committed murder, and he’d go out of his way to hire them a good lawyer!

We were now leaving the second floor, and entering the first. The only thing left to check were the dungeons, my least favorite part of the castle.

“Truth or Dare?” James asked me, lighting his wand and checking around corners. The Slytherin Common Room was in the dungeons, and he always seemed more anxious because of it.

“Truth.”

“What are you going to do when you leave Hogwarts?”

I thought for a while, going through the different jobs and their requirements. Aurors had always earned my respect for their complicated jobs, but I didn’t think I had the nerve. And then there was the plan Paige and I had to go into the Ministry for safety. Unfortunately, recent news articles had made me somewhat doubtful that we’d really be all that safe. 

“I was thinking about being a Healer.”

“Why?”

“Nope,” I told James, and he frowned. “You only get one question, and I remember it being what I wanted to do when I left school, not why.”

He stepped closer to me, smiling his crooked smile. “Then I may be forced, completely unwillingly, to meddle with your memory.”

What? What did he mean by that? A Memory Charm? He wouldn’t.

He got closer to me, and I could feel his breath on my face…

It was my only warning as James pressed his face to mine. My mind went completely blank, and I struggled to keep myself in check. He was kissing the line of my jaw, and I was gasping, trying to keep hold of my thoughts. 

James started moving onto my neck, my collarbone, and I gave up thinking. He went back to my lips, and I was about to go crazy when he pulled away.

“What? No!” 

“Tell me why you want to be a Healer,” he said with a smirk, “or I’ll never do that again.” I narrowed my eyes into slits, about to tell him to forget it, when he stepped away.

“Fine!” I grabbed his arms to stop him from moving farther. “I want to be a Healer because I enjoy, I don’t know, taking care of people. Like you so intelligently put before, I’m really a big softie. Except for the fact that I faint when I see blood, I have this kind of motherly nature in me.”

“And it will come in handy when we have little James Potter’s running around.”

“Hah! I think not.” 

He shook his head, reminding me of some distant train ride home in Sixth Year. It felt like it had been decades ago, when Voldemort wasn’t so terrifying, or when families were whole and untouched. This time I wasn’t filled with pure loathing. Just the opposite, actually. 

*~~*

As I walked into my dorm, I started to return to my senses. I hadn’t been able to ask James the question I’d been dying to ask. It was the whole reason I’d dared him to do that stupid thing, so that from then on he’d choose Truth, and I’d have plenty of opportunities to ask him.

I stripped off my uniform, shivering in the cold, and looked at myself in the full-length mirror beside Celina’s bed. 

I wasn’t as ordinary as I’d once thought, but I still didn’t see anything that would attract James Potter’s attention for long. Yet, the back of my mind was pleading with me to remember that he’d grown up, that he had true feelings for me, but that more logical side of my mind was pushed away, taken over by the huge, looming dark spot that had been growing in the back of my brain for ages, maybe. 

I couldn’t just ask him. As game of Truth or Dare would prove nothing, especially since he could just lie. Again, the logic screamed at me that he’d never do that, but the spot grew ever so slightly as I thought about all those other girls…

I had a restless sleep that night, waking up at about two in the morning and going downstairs, where James waited in an armchair. I took my usual place on his lap, and felt his protective arms wrap around me. We didn’t speak; we both knew why we sat there. The dream.

I eventually nodded off with my head on my shoulder. We almost always woke before someone came down and saw us—when we didn’t, it wasn’t a big deal anyway. Paige, Celina, and Tiff just thought I was an early riser. I was eating breakfast before they were even drifting into consciousness. 

As a result of these nights, I was always exhausted. Scared and eager at the same time for sleep. I’d never felt it before, but I didn’t like it. 

When James and I sat down to a Head meeting the last week in November, I wasn’t exactly thrilled when he brought up another Hogsmead weekend.

“I’ve been thinking about it,” he started, taking a seat in the Library next to me, “and we need to have another trip to Hogsmead.”

“What?” I asked, blatantly surprised. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“Why not?” I blushed, and James cocked a dark eyebrow at me. “This isn’t because of that ridiculous dream, is it?”

“Why can’t we just wait until it stops snowing?” I asked him pleadingly. “How about…April?”

“April? Lily, these people need to get out of the castle before then! What about Christmas shopping?”

“They can owl-order it.”

“What are you so afraid of? It’s a dream!”

“But it’s a horrible one!” I yelled. “This dream feels weird to me! I usually don’t even remember my dreams but I remember almost every aspect of this one perfectly! I have it night after night, and I can’t even sleep after it, and you can’t either! It’s different!”

“But you can’t just avoid everything you’re scared of.” James took my hand in his from across the table. It was warm. “You have to face it! When I was scared of Slytherin’s, I just proved that I could beat them, and now I don’t even flinch when one comes near me. Dreams aren’t reality, Lils, they’re nothing to be afraid of.”

I still didn’t want to do another weekend trip, but James convinced me in the end. There would be one the second week in December, and another some time in January, though we weren’t sure. 

The Kiss sisters, fortunately, changed their plans. They were now leaving during Christmas break, about halfway into it, and were remaining at Hogwarts for that short amount of time. It was a good thing I was going home. 

“I just hate them!” Celina screamed to me one night. Tiff and Paige were studying in the Common Room, and Angela had gone off with Sandra. “I can’t believe they’d do this! It’s low, even for them!”

Word had spread through the school quickly that about two weeks after a nasty breakup with the ‘local school veela’ Sirius Black had begun dating a Kiss. Not just any Kiss, the Ravenclaw, Sabrina.

While it was common knowledge that Sabrina wasn’t nearly as bad as Selena or Sandra, a Kiss was a Kiss, and Sirius was doing some serious snogging with this one.

“They’re evil, vile, b-witches.” I changed my mind before I could let the word slip from my mouth. I didn’t like calling girls the b-word, unless they really deserved it. I wasn’t sure Sabrina did.

“Say it, Lily!” Celina shrieked. “They’re bitches, every last one of them!”

“Hey, did you ever notice how Selena and Celina are the same, only spelled differently.” Celina’s face became red with anger at being associated with one of _them_. “But you’re spelling is _way_ better.”

Celina sat on her bed, her shoulders slumped. Her whole small, delicate frame began shaking, and I rushed over to console her.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t cry over him,” she whispered to me. I nodded sympathetically. She’d never acted this way about a breakup, and it was painful to watch. Usually, she was the one dating again within a few days, her happy demeanor returned within a few hours, and the smile back on her face.

The smiles had been forced these past weeks.

*~~*

“Can anyone tell me about the Patronus Charm?” Professor Rosker was asking the class. My hand shot up, a natural reflex.

“Yes, Ms. Evans?”

“It’s a charm to repel dementors, sir.”

“Very good, Ms. Evans. Take five points for Gryffindor.” I beamed, another reflex. I might’ve loosened up a lot over the year, but I still enjoyed being a good student. “Yes, the Patronus Charm is a _charm_. However, as it is used for defensive purposes, namely saving your soul, we are going to learn it in this class.”

The class grew energized; I heard Peter whispering to Remus excitedly, Sirius and James exchange a look that said ‘we’ve already done this’ and I turned to Celina to see her face in a frown.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered.

“That’s really advanced magic,” she responded. “It’s not even on our N.E.W.T’s this year. Why is he teaching it now?” I shrugged, turning my attention back to the professor.

“Now,” Rosker began, “someone tell me what a dementor does.” I held my hand back, and Rosker called on Derek Jones. He was grinning.

“Dementors suck out your soul!” he said enthusiastically. It made me sick; who would be happy about losing their soul?

“Other than that, Mr. Jones,” Professor Rosker said warily.

“They take all your happy memories.”

“Not necessarily. They feed off of bad memories, traumas you’ve had in your life, make you relive them. It could be as terrible as a death you’ve witnessed, or it could be as trivial as a fight with a friend. Whatever they make you remember, though, it will be terrible, but you’ll still have your happy memories. Unfortunately, the particularly unhappy ones will be stronger in your head. If they get close enough, they will Kiss you, taking your soul and leaving you an empty body, a shell of what you once were.” 

I shuddered.

“Going on what I said earlier, when you perform the Patronus Charm, you must be thinking of a happy memory, the best you have. It gives you power against the dementor. While thinking of this happy thought, you must say the incantation _‘Expecto Patronum’_. Say it with me.”

“ _Expecto Patronum”_

“Good. The result of a successfully cast charm will be an animal coming from your wand—not a real animal, something of a ghost of one—and it will fight off the dementor _as long as you concentrate_. Lose concentration on your happy thought, and the Patronus will vanish, leaving you to deal with the monster yourself. Any questions?”

“Sir,” Angela said, raising her hand. “What animal will the Patronus be?”

“Your Patronus form is based on your character, who you really are.”

She nodded, looking slightly worried. I wasn’t so keen on revealing my inner self, either.

“Everybody stand up, and move to one side of the room.” The class obeyed, and Rosker moved all of the desks to the opposite wall with a flick of his wand. I clutched my own wand so tightly in my hand, I was scared it would snap. Celina had said this was really advanced magic, would I be able to do it?

“Spread out,” Rosker commanded. “Try the spell. When you think you’ve gotten it, call me over and I’ll tell you how strong it is. Your Patronus may not take shape at all, at first. It might just be a silvery shield. That’s good, for the first few lessons, but I want you all moving onto nonverbal Patronus’ by the end of the weeks.

I nodded my head uselessly. The end of the week? Who did he think we were, Albus Dumbledore? I took a place next to James, just to see how well he could do it. I was a very competitive person, and if James could do it, I’d push myself harder to learn. If he couldn’t do it, I’d push myself to learn first.

_“Expecto Patronum!”_

Nothing. 

I wasn’t used to being ineffective with a spell, so I frowned. Next to me, James was casting the spell, but flicking his wand just a bit. From the tip of his wand, a stag immerged, galloping gracefully through the classroom. Everybody stopped their futile attempts at the charm and watched the stag. I thought about the fact that James’s Patronus and Animagus form was a stag. Did a person’s Animagus form reflect their inner self as well?

James looked over at me, grinning at my bewildered expression. “Sirius and I wanted to learn.”

“B-but how?”

“We went to the Library.” At my face, he explained, “We actually go there quite often, Lils, it’s not a rare thing.”

I snorted. Though it seemed like James wasn’t really concentrating, the stag continued to canter across the room, most of the girls giggling as it went past them. Angela’s eyes wer elsewhere…namely, my boyfriend. 

“Can you help me?” I asked, desperate to forget Angela, and to master the charm.

“It takes time,” James said, looking at me with a dubious face. I raised my eyebrows in an expecting way. What, did he think I wasn’t talented enough? “Okay, you really can’t just keep your wand straight. You know, just point it and hope to Merlin it works…”

He explained it all, and better than Professor Rosker. By the end of the class, I’d managed to create a small, silvery shield. James assured me it had taken him an hour every day for a week to do the spell, but I was still slightly put out.

As we left, Angela brushed James’s arm purposefully while Selena sneered behind her. It was finally too much.

“James, I need you to tell me something,” I began. I took a deep breath, planning the next few words in my head. “And I need you to be completely honest, no matter what the answer is. I won’t get angry, I swear, but I deserve to know. I mean, with your, er, reputation, a girl has her doubts! I’m sure that you’ve gown up and everything, but I just can’t shake this really terrible feeling that you might be, um, you know, doing something that isn’t, well, er,--”

“What the hell are you saying?” James asked me impatiently. 

“Are you seeing other people?” I blurted out the words before my brain even processed them. I was hoping to do it a little less…bluntly.

“What?” James was upset, maybe even furious. I couldn’t tell, because I was staring at my feet. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean…” I took another breath, and pulled him towards an empty corridor. Everyone was almost at lunch. I tried again. 

“I mean, have you been, well, cheating on me?”

“Why would you ask me that?” There was pain in his voice, so I looked into his eyes. It was a bad move.

Those eyes, the ones I’d always loved, even when I hated the rest of him, were like hazel pools of hurt. He was hurt that I’d think that of him, or hurt that I was finding out.

“Because, James, you have a track record.” I was putting up a pitiful argument, so I tried to go for one of my stronger points. “Sirius cheated on Celina, and she’s…well, she’s gorgeous! I don’t think anyone’s ever done that to her before, and she’s so torn up about it. I don’t want that to happen to me, but Celina’s better looking than me, and if someone would do that to _her_ \--”

“Why do you talk like that?” James interrupted me. I blinked.

“Talk like what?” I demanded crossly. How would he know? He’d really only known me a few months!

“Like everyone’s better than you! You’ve never said a good thing about yourself in the two months I’ve dated you! It’s always about Celina, or Paige, or Tiffany! I haven’t heard you call yourself pretty, or smart, or even sweet! In fact, you _denied_ being sweet!”

“I don’t call myself those things because they’re not what I am! Compared to Celina--” James cut me off again.

“Compared to Celina, everybody looks like a troll!” James yelled with annoyance. “Lils, you’re beautiful! I can’t believe you’d even think I’d do that! I’m mature enough to know that it would be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, and that’s saying something. Nobody in their right mind would cheat on you, because even though nobody’s perfect, you’re pretty damn close, Evans.”

**A/N: This chapter is really long to make up for the really short one preceeding it. It also took longer than usual, mostly because I was trying to get Lily's argument with James PERFECT. I don't think I suceeded, but I tried my best.** ****

P.S. I just got an A+ on my writing assigment, so that took time to write up too. I got an A! 

****


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Fifteen_

_You and I_  
We never had it easy baby  
We had to work so hard  
And everytime it feels like we're gonna make it  
That's when it falls apart, but 

Oooooooohoo  
Baby I'll take my chances with you  
Oooooooohoo  
Baby I'll take my chances with you

The Click 5, I’ll Take My Chances

________________________________________________________________________

After that, James and I decided to talk about what was really bothering us, or rather, me. James didn’t have any problems since, according to him, I was near perfect. We met later that night in the Common Room, once everyone had left to go to bed, standing on opposite sides of the room. 

“James, I know you’re a great guy now,” I said slowly, still feeing a little anxious, “but you’ve cheated on girls before, and I just don’t want to get hurt like that. I’m having a difficult time…trusting you.”

“I can see why you’d think that,” James said slowly, really seeming to think about every word he said before actually speaking. “I have done that to a few other girls before you, but I really think you’re judging me on what Sirius’s done. He’s a jerk to girls, but he’s really a good person when you get to know him. I can’t prove to you that I’m not cheating on you, that’s impossible. For all you know, I could be lying right now when I say ‘Hell no, I would never do that to you’. The only way you’d know is if you found out I was. You’ll just have to trust me on this.”

“I’ve got to trust you?”

“Yes, trust, it’s what people in relationships do.”

I nodded my head, thinking it over, and ultimately deciding whether or not I _could_ trust James. While his actions this year seemed to scream that he was trustworthy, last year, and every year before that, was working against him. James seemed to be holding his breath for my response, and only then did I realize that I was, too. How could I _ever_ be sure of anything? My entire life was changing! Angela, James, Celina, Sirius, Paige, Remus, Peter, even Dad! It seemed like everyone I knew had changed something about them, throwing me off balance. Angela’s change was the worst, but Celina’s was the most unsettling. James’s was confusing, I was so used to his immaturity, but Dad’s was just as puzzling. I wasn’t sure what to do until I heard my heart thumping as I looked at him…

I walked over to him, and I was sure he didn’t know what to expect from me.

Maybe in my own way, I’d changed just as much as everyone else. Dating James, for one, was a serious alteration in my own personality. The fact that I wasn’t so uptight about the rules, but still cared about not breaking them myself, was also a change that might make one of my other friends uneasy. My biggest change and newest, had happened just a few hours ago in a deserted corridor with my boyfriend.

Ages ago, I’d asked myself who my heart beat for, if anyone. I hadn’t thought about it much after that day, when James discovered that I ‘liked him’, but I suddenly thought of it again. My heart, emphasizing this new memory, began pounding like a drum in my ears. My pulse felt like it was going crazy, and I could feel the blood rushing in my veins.

I reached up, yanking on his tie to lower his face, and kissed him like never before. It was slow, taunting, like what he’d done to get me to talk during our Truth or Dare game, but I stayed at his lips, pushing myself against him to make my decision clear. I finally broke the kiss, feeling out of breath. 

“I’ll trust you.”

*~~*

“Truth or Dare?”

“Truth.” We were patrolling again, and Truth or Dare had become something of a ritual to pass the long hours we were in the corridors. I knew more about James than I’d ever thought I would. 

James didn’t hesitate. “What happened with you and your sister?”

I thought about how to word my answer, and ended up thinking of all those great times when I was any age but eleven. 

“When we were kids,” I began, laughing a bit at the irony, “I was her best friend. We did everything together. When I was six, we developed this code because our rooms were next to each other, and we shared a wall. We’d knock on the wall just quietly enough not to wake our parents, but loud enough for the other person to hear it. She’d come into my room immediately, even if it was because I was scared of the monsters under my bed.” I snorted a little, just remembering all the times Petunia lost hours of sleep to console me.

“But when I got my letter to Hogwarts, she was really jealous. Even worse, I started being friends with Severus, not her. Sev never liked Petunia much, now I guess I know it’s because she’s a Muggle. Anyway, he was my friend too, and she didn’t like sharing me at all--she wasn’t very nice to people at her school, so she didn’t really have friends of her own—so she started spying on us. Sev lost control of his powers, and he hurt her. That was the last time she acted like a sister to me. Now, it’s like talking to a brick wall that hates you.”

“That must be terrible!” James was horrified. Apparently, he was under the ridiculous impression all siblings got along 24/7. That was just side-splitting. “This is why I’m an only child…and because my mum’s really quite old at this point.”

“Well, I’ve gotten used to it.”

“You shouldn’t have to, Lily. Your sister should be there for you, thick and thin. She’s your _blood_!”

“Blood’s not too thick with Petunia.”

“So now she’s marrying this Vernon guy?”

“Oh yes, Vernon Dursley, the human sausage. I think he’s larger than Hagrid, at least round the middle. I swear, he’s the most rotund man I’ve ever had the misfortune of laying eyes upon. My dog took a bite of him—he thought Vernon’s finger was a link—and he died, like, hours later. It doesn’t matter that he was going on twelve years, he died from too much fat intake!”

“Lils,” James laughed, clutching his stomach. “You’re hilarious. I don’t know how your sister can _not_ like you! Why would she even like him?”

“Oh no, it’s my turn. Truth or Dare?”

“Truth, of course!”

“Why are you so close with Sirius? I mean, he’s a total--”

James looked slightly cross. 

 “Don’t finish that sentence. I guess it started that day on the train, when I met you and Snivellus—er, Snape. After you left, Sirius started talking about how much he hated being a Black, and how the whole lot of them were loony birds. It made me respect him a bit more, just because those Blacks are the scariest people I’ll ever know. Bellatrix Black left Hogwarts and now she’s spying for Voldemort at the Ministry. She’s a nutter! Anyway, I liked that he was unusual. Then he was sorted into Gryffindor, and I guess it just went from there. He was so proud to be different from his lousy family, I knew he was different, too.”

“James, that’s actually…sweet! I never thought any story with Sirius in it could be sweet!” I said almost the exact same thing he’s said to me earlier, about being sweet, though now I believe I could be if I wanted to.

I’d been wrong at the Three Broomsticks, when Rosmerta had spoken to me about James. It seemed like it had been ages ago, but I remember feeling shell shocked when she told me James was a sweet kid. He really was.

“My turn. Truth or Dare?”

“Truth. You know, I don’t think we even have to say the last part. We should just say the question, since we know neither of us will ever pick Dare again!”

“You never know, I might surprise you. Anyway, why do you think Sirius is a total…whatever you were going to say?”

“Because he hurt Celina so much!” I tried to keep from yelling in my anger, working hard to keep my voice steady. I felt the familiar jolt of my temper making a reappearance. I’d kept it in check for the most part this year, but it was starting to breakthrough, and it was worse than ever from being held back on countless occasions. “He’s a jackass! He cheated on her who knows how many times, and then tried to _explain it to her?_ Who in Merlin’s arse was that going to help?”

“But it’s just how he is, Lily! It’s his nature to sneak around! Celina must’ve known that going into the relationship. Personally, I thought they were just going to cheat on each other at the same time,” he said, shrugging.

“Well Celina grew out of that _years_ ago,” I snapped, defending her. “Apparently, Sirius is still a child in a man’s body.”

He remained silent for a long time, thinking. I was thinking as well, of how he stood up for Sirius, and of that conversation, also from the first Truth or Dare game. James seemed like he would rather die than insult a friend. Then, he looked at me strangely. 

“What?” I asked, blushing under his gaze.

“You bite your lip when you’re thinking.”

“What?” I asked again, this time out of shock. “I don’t bite my lip! That’s impossible, I would know, wouldn’t I?”

“Actually, you do it all the time. I’ve just never said anything out of fear. You had a mean backhand, Evans.” He smiled a toothy grin, remembering the time when he said that before. I remembered it, too, and it seemed like it had been centuries. “I wonder why you do it.”

It was coming back to me. All my mum’s smiles, her laughs, and that stupid boy in school who had said it.

“I remember!” I shouted, and it echoed off the walls. “I was eight, and I liked this boy in my class--”

“Who was it?” James asked me sharply, as if he’d leave Hogwarts and punch the kid in the face.

“No, James, I’m not disclosing _that_ information. Anyway, I told him how I felt, and he sneered at me, then proceeded to tell me he could never like a girl with such ‘icky nails’. I was a wreck for days—I bit my nails, see. I was always chewing on them, and I had band-aids all over my fingernails from when I bit too low. I told my mum what happened and she said to bite my lip instead, that it would break the habit, and I’d look cute. It was hard the first few weeks, but after that, I never bit my nails again. The same guy asked me out the year before I went to Hogwarts! Mum was right.”

“And it’s stuck with you ever since?”

“I guess so.”

“That’s really something, Lils. You have a new habit now, but I don’t want you to stop. It's cute.” He tried to kiss me, but I avoided him, narrowly, swatting him playfully. 

James gave up and contented himself with throwing a casual arm over my shoulders. I leaned into him, resting my head against his shoulder.

“I’ve never noticed how absurdly tall you really are,” I told James as we walked back to Gryffindor Tower. I looked up at him as he smiled again.

“I’ve never noticed how extremely short you are! Merlin Lily, you’re a full head shorter than me!”

“Tall men like short girls. It’s a fact.”

*~~*

That night, I lay in bed thinking about my mother. My memories were flooding my head, and I couldn’t think of anything else but her. My flower obsessed, loony mother. 

Naturally, the tears began falling thick and fast. I missed her so much; I’d stopped thinking of her to stop the pain. She was so beautiful, Dad had said since I was born I looked just like her, a replica.

I’d look at her and think _there’s no way._ Now I thought of her, and felt like I _was_ just as beautiful as her. Petunia looked like Dad, unfortunately. 

I turned over and eventually fell asleep. Sleep wasn’t much better than being awake, though, because the regular dream was back. 

I walked through the streets of Hogsmead, saw Severus talking, looked through a window and saw Angela with the Selena and Sandra. This time though, I felt a panic. I ran everywhere, in a rush to get somewhere else. I saw the people in the street around me start running in the opposite direction of where I was going, and woke up with a shriek.

“Lils?” Celina asked me sleepily from her bed. “Are you okay?”

“Why the hell were you yelling at three in the morning?” This was Paige, irritated. “Can’t you wait till six?” 

“Did something happen?” Tiff was alert, like she was scared of something.

I finally looked to Angela, and in the moonlight, I could just make out two grey eyes, wide with fright, and looking at me.

*~~*

The next morning, I read the paper and found why Professor Rosker was having us learn the Patronus Charm.

_Dementors Desert Azkaban: Wizarding World In Peril!_

Below was a list of dementor attacks, including Sarah O’Connell’s grandfather, and Alice and Emmeline Vance’s niece. Sarah left school for good, but Alice and Emmeline, sisters in Ravenclaw, returned after a few hours. Their niece had been two.

*~~*

James was now obsessed with my sister. He wanted to know every detail about her, as if it would help him understand how she could possibly hate me. It was hard, at first, to open up about a relationship that I usually just brushed off around everyone. I preferred to act as though I didn’t care what Petunia thought of me, so as to avoid the questions Paige would ask me. But James had a way of wording his Truth questions/demands so they sounded less…hurtful.

“Tell me one good memory about you have of Petunia.” We were in Charms, partners because James was horrible in the subject, and as we practiced, we were playing our ongoing game of Truth or Dare. Naturally, I’d picked Truth…again.

I thought for a second, when I shrieked in pain. I now felt it when I bit my lip, thanks to James. I glared at him for a moment, before I came up with the best memory I had. It hurt because it involved two people I’d lost; one physically, the other emotionally.

“When I was in five, Petunia was ten, we used to sleep with each other a lot.”

James made a face, showing that he wasn’t quite as mature as I’d hoped.

“Not _that_ way! Merlin James, you’ve got a sick mind. Anyway, I’d sneak into her room at night and we’d spend the entire time talking, and never get any sleep. So, Mum would come in the morning, and yell at us to wake up for school. She’d slam open the door, turn on the light, tickle us, anything to get us up. Finally, she found a strategy that worked. There was this little brown bowl that had a picture of Peter Rabbit and his little rabbit family on the bottom, and for some reason, Petunia and I loved it. We fought over it constantly.

“Mum realized that not only could she now avoid these fights every morning, but get us out of bed too. She told us we could race downstairs as soon as she was in the kitchen, and whoever got down first could use the bowl. Petunia and I raced each other every weekday morning for two years. I think Petunia grew out of it before I did, and she threw the races a lot to let me have that stupid bowl. She loved me a lot, then.”

I saw that Angela and Selena, who were working next to James, had been listening as well. Selena was smirking, but Angela was...crying?

I realized I was crying too. I was doing way too much of that these days. James looked torn between interest and sadness. Petunia, my sister and best friend, who now hated me because of something I couldn’t control. It wasn’t fair. I still loved her, no matter what I said.

And Mum, she’d tried so hard. 

“Are you alright, Ms. Evans?” I started when I heard Professor Flitwick’s squeaky voice behind me. 

“Oh!” I turned to face him, anything to keep from looking at Angela’s face. “Yes, I’ve just poked myself in the eye with my, er, wand. Clumsy me!”

My teacher eyed me like I was mad—which I was—and nodded, proceeding to tell Selena to get back to her work. 

James was still looking at me. I ducked my head over an instructions sheet for Complex Cheering Charms, letting my long red hair shield my face from any onlookers. I needed a Cheering Charm. “Are you okay?” he asked almost silently, making sure that no one else heard.

“I’m fine.” Like I would admit that I hated the distance between my sister and me? Not Lily Evans, she kept things bottled up until she exploded, which was bound to be soon.

The rest of the lesson passed with risk-free Truths, what was my dad like, my room, my dog, everything but Mum and Petunia. I was grateful for that, and thought it was wonderful of James to be so kind about it. 

“What was going on in Charms?” Tiff asked me as we left lunch. I eyed Paige, who was next to me, clipboard and quill in hand. Tiff gave a meaningful glare, and Paige reluctantly stuffed the clipboard back in her bag.

“I was just talking to James about something.” I’d never spoken to anybody else about the days when Petunia was my best friend, like it had been a secret. She certainly never mentioned it, and I was sure she was ashamed of those times. I felt I should be ashamed as well. 

Tiff nodded good-naturedly and didn’t ask anything more. I was relieved that she didn’t bring it up again for the rest of the day. She did watch me, though, waiting for another outburst of tears, or maybe even just a frown. Tiff was concerned, but Paige was stubborn.

“Seriously, I could help you!” she insisted for the seventh time. “If you tell me about it, maybe I could explain things to you in a way that would make you…less sad!”

She didn’t know why I was sad, but she didn’t care. She just wanted something to report on her clipboard, as whenever she pulled it out in company, people mysteriously disappeared from her presence. It didn’t bother Paige in the least, and she was persistent in trying to get someone to share a dream, or ‘traumatic event’. 

“I’m not telling you a _thing_ , you nosy prat. And I mean that in a loving way.”

Paige huffed, but didn’t ask me again. When dinner finally came round, I sat next to James and began picking at my salad. I wasn’t very hungry, truthfully. I had something on my mind. In fact, I’d been thinking of it since the Charms lesson.

“James?”

“Yuph?” I think he meant to say yes, but he was shoving his face with mashed potatoes loaded with salt and butter, and splattered Peter, who was sitting across from him. Peter disgustedly wiped his face.

“Swallow, Prongs! Merlin.”

James swallowed a mouthful with a large _gulp_. “Sorry, Pete. What is it, Lily?”

“I was just wondering if you were still going to my sister’s wedding with Remus.”

He looked surprised. “Well, yeah. Unless,” he continued hurriedly, looking a little hurt, “unless you don’t want me to.”

“No! I just thought you might go with me now, instead, since I don’t hate you.”

“Yes, that is a plus.”

“Wait!” Celina burst out, pointing her fork at us accusingly. “I thought _I_ was going with you! You can’t do this to me!”

Sirius was smirking behind his hand, and I kicked him from under the table. He swore, but his smirk was replaced with a glare in my direction, which made James glower at him.

“That was before I started dating James,” I said, immediately feeling guilty. 

“I can take you, if you don’t mind going with me,” Remus suggested, and Celina smiled genuinely for the first time since she’d ended it with Sirius.

“No, Remus,” Celina assured him, glowing with happiness. Really, she was literally glowing, as in light seeping through her pores and dazzling everyone. “I’d love to go with you! That would be so much fun!”

Sirius now turned his glare on Remus, who narrowed his eyes in a ‘deal-with-it’ way. Sirius had screwed up, and now Remus was moving in. While Remus wasn’t as attractive as Sirius, he was sweeter, and he was just what Celina needed right now. Even if they remained friends, never even dating, he would be able to help her get over Sirius.

James had noticed the exchange between his friends, and was about to say something when Peter, who was next to Sirius and separating him and Remus, interrupted. “Who thought that Potions quiz was awful?”

Down the table, seated next to Celina, Tiff groaned. “I think I got a P. That quiz was _dreadful_!”

“Then you’d get a D,” Sirius pointed out, and Tiff let out a bitter laugh, then realized she didn’t like Sirius, and stared at her eggplant parmesan. 

The rest of dinner went uneventfully. I saw Rachel Thaddit whispering behind her hand to a frizzy haired blonde, pointing at our table with the other one. Of all the Ravenclaw gossips, she was the worst. She _had_ told the Sirius/Potato story. Sirius pushed away his mashed potatoes in disgust, obviously remembering the potato that had caused him so much trouble. I think he had a phobia of potatoes.

“James?” I asked again, this time making sure he’d swallowed.

“Yeah?” he said again, taking a swig of pumpkin juice.

“Why is Rachel staring at us?”

He turned to look at her. Rachel blushed and turned back to her noodles, her frizzy friend doing the same. I could see them still talking in whispers as they ate.

“They’re not looking at _us_ ,” James told me, shoveling in more food, though his voice was lowered. “They’re looking at Celina and Remus.”

“What?” 

“They obviously heard Remus inviting Celina to your sister’s wedding.” He looked back at them as Rachel snuck a glance. My eyes seemed permanently fixed on her. “Just wait, tomorrow morning, we’ll wake up to a ‘Celemus’ rumor.”

“Celemus?” I asked with a laugh. “And what does that mean?”

“Tabloids blend famous couples’ names together,” he explained, “so Celemus is a mix of Celina and Remus.” 

“But they-they aren’t dating!” I stuttered. 

“Do you think Rachel cares?”

And he was right. The next morning, a Saturday, I walked into breakfast with Celina—the dream had been absent that night, leaving me to sleep late—to comments and pointing. It made me uncomfortable, as I wasn’t exactly used to the blatant staring. 

Celina continued to walk confidently, seeming to ignore the whispers as she crossed the Hall to get to Gryffindor table, the last table.

“ _That_ was brilliant!” I said admiringly as soon as she was seated. “It was like you weren’t even listening to them!”

“But I was. How could they think I’m dating Remus? He’s sweet and everything, but I don’t think I could go out with him!” I nodded understandingly, and focused on my eggs. Paige came down a bit later, and sat with Josh at the Hufflepuff table. She and Josh seemed to be going pretty steady, and around her boyfriend, Paige didn’t feel the need to be so aggressive. I liked the match quite a lot.

“What’s she doing over there?” Tiff demanded as she sat down next to me.

“Flirting with Josh over kippers.”

“Ah.” 

The ceiling was snowing, not exactly on top of the students, but just far enough so we could tell what kind of day it was: cold

James finally came down with Sirius. They appeared to be in deep conversation. Rachel looked up as they entered, then quickly looked back down when she saw who they were. Good. She _should_ be embarrassed after all the lies she’s spread. It was hard to believe that just a few months ago, I’d been sitting and listening to her go on and on about Narcissa Black Malfoy. Awful girl.

“…can’t believe you’d say that, Padfoot!” James was saying, but he hushed when Sirius motioned in our direction. Remus and Peter followed behind them. Remus looked somewhat embarrassed, but also angry. Peter seemed to be playing peacemaker, his small eyes darting from Sirius to Remus at an alarmingly quick rate. 

“Hello, gorgeous,” Sirius greeted Tiff. She sniffed haughtily, and moved next to me, James on my other side. Sirius grumbled a bit, but sat next to Peter. The poor boy was once again separating him and Remus. 

Celina and Remus began a discussion about the nastily complicated Transfiguration homework, and I struck up a conversation with James and Tiff about all the hideous snow (they both liked snow, the loons). This left Sirius to sulk, and Peter to look worried. 

“James?” I asked, desperate to end the silence. “What do you think our couple name is?”

“Jalily,” Paige answered promptly, standing over us. We both looked at her. “Don’t look at me! I didn’t start it! Sometimes, it helps to be ‘nosy’.”

Silence again.

“I propose,” Sirius announced in a booming voice, making us all jump in our seats, “a snowball fight. Marauders versus The Girls.”

“The Girls?” Paige said, sitting down at the Gryffindor table again. “You’re too thick to come up with a better name?”

“No, too lazy. Anyway, what do you girls say?”

I felt that I could have a reasonable amount of fun, despite the wretched snow, so I was in. Paige, Tiff, and Celina quickly agreed after me. The Marauders and ‘The Girls’ set off for the grounds.

“So, the only rule is that you can’t throw ice, ‘cause that hurts like a mother--”

“We get it, Sirius, thank you.”

James gave me a quick peck on the cheek, saying, “Are you sure you can handle us, Evans?”

I narrowed my green eyes and put on my game face. “Bring it, Potter.”

**A/N: Here it is--finally! Chapter Fifteen. All right, I'll admit it, for a few days I was just making you guys wait ;) But to make up for it, I already wrote Chapter Sixteen, and it will be posted in two days, tops!!! Promise!** ****

Also, please check out my new fic, _Love Story_. It's not my usual, but give it a chance and leave a review! 

****


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Sixteen_

The Marauders were creamed by ‘The Girls’, naturally, though Celina cheated several times by throwing ice in the general direction of Sirius’s head. I let it go. I thought she deserved a few good shots at him after what he did to her. She went to bed smiling like a mad woman.

James and I patrolled, focusing on the little Truths; what were his parents like, what was Sausage Man like, what was his house like, the basic things. We’d had enough deep, meaningful questions for a while, thank Merlin.

I went to sleep that night, and for the first time in a while, I didn’t have The Dream. It was different, but equally terrifying. 

I was huddled in a corner while a large, cloaked creature hovered over me, casting a shadow over everything. I couldn’t see where I was, all I could see was that horrible creature in front of me. 

Suddenly, I felt my dream self shiver with cold, and I drew my legs up to my chest, clutching them with my arms. I could see terrible things in my head, and I heard them so clearly it was like they were real. My mother was speaking to me in a rasping voice. I could smell the hospital air, cleaned and sanitized so much I wanted to plug my nose. She was talking quietly, saying goodbye…

The thing came closer, and began to lower its mouth to mine, and my memory was interrupted by a burst of light.

A silvery stag cantering toward me, stabbing at the dementor with its antlers, while at the same time shielding me from further exposure to its terrible power. Finally, the stag stuck the dementor through what would normally be its stomach, and threw it out a door. The dementor didn’t return.

The stag came back to me, solidifying into an amazing brown animal, looking me in the eyes. Hazel met green. My arms reached out for him, and he disappeared.

I woke.

I was covered in sticky sweat, the sheets of my bed tangled around me like ropes, and as I tried to raise my hand to get up, I realized my entire body was shaking, like a heroine addict who hasn’t taken a hit in a few weeks, going through withdrawals.

I pulled away from my sheets, trying to be quiet as I climbed out of bed, while going as quickly as humanly possible. Once I was out of my dormitory, I was free to run down the stairs without worry.

He was there, of course, staring into the firelight. The flames danced in lenses of his glasses, and I felt a small burn growing in my chest.

*~~*

One week later, the December trip to Hogsmeade was highly anticipated, as it had been a full month since the school had gone (gasp!). Sirius and Peter were looking forward to going to Zonko’s Joke Shop; Remus was more interested in spending more time with Celina. They’d been practically inseparable since he’d asked her to Petunia’s wedding, sitting together, working together, even walking together! Sirius was no longer speaking to Remus.

“He’s a right nasty git!” he’d proclaimed when James had tried to reason with him. “He’s going with my girl!”

“She’s not _your_ girl, anymore, Padfoot! Remember, you cheated on her and she broke up with you! It’s your own fault!”

“But he’s _dating_ her!”

“He’s not! They’re really good friends because Celina feels more comfortable with Remus than most people! This is a really good thing for him; can’t you just try not to screw it up?”

“No.”

In short, Sirius Black was a big baby who didn’t like to feel jealousy, and right then, he was feeling a whole lot of it.

Purposely, Celina was driving him crazy. She’d lay out everything she would need for the next day the previous night (even if it was just her school robes) then wake up just an hour after I usually did to put on her makeup and adjust her uniform just so.

It was making Sirius water at the mouth, as well as the rest of the boys in school.

Celina wasn’t being friends with Remus to make Sirius mad, though. She really enjoyed his company. I would know, she spoke to me almost every night about how much she just adored him. I also knew that neither of them felt _that way_ about each other, but I wasn’t about to tell the big jerk.

“I wish he’d just…well, I don’t know what, but he should leave her alone.” I was walking with James, Peter, Tiff, and Paige, with Remus and Celina a few feet in front of us. Sirius was in the front of the group of students with a date…namely, Sabrina Kiss. Yes, they were _sill_ dating.

Sirius had flaunted Sabrina in Celina’s face, while at the same time Celina continued to speak with Remus calmly, as if nothing was happening. She knew what was going on, and what Sirius was trying to do.

“You know Sirius,” Peter said, surveying the crowd for possible dates. He wasn’t as attractive as the other Marauders, but once you got to know him, Peter could be very charming. “If he can’t have something, no one can.”

“Pete, that doesn’t really make sense with what Lily was saying.” Peter glared at Paige, but she went on. “Sirius wants to see if Celina will react to what he’s doing. He probably thinks she still has feelings for him and that by going out with Sabrina she will realize these feelings and give him another chance.”

“Paige, I swear,” James said, looking awed. “You’re getting better at this advice stuff.”

Paige nodded proudly, her head held high. This would boost her massive ego for weeks, but what could a girl do? 

“But Celina still as feelings for him,” Tiff interrupted. “I don’t see how this will help.”

“It will help because Celina is in better control of her emotions. She won’t let any jealousy she might have show. She’s been having a lot of fun with Remus, and I think that while it’s just a friendship, she knows it’s driving Sirius mad. So, she’ll continue to be friends with Remus because he’s a great guy, and now because Sirius is as jealous as James was during the Bertram Incident.”

“Ug! Stop calling it that,” I groaned. I wanted to forget that part of the year. “But I guess this is better.” So now Celina knew Sirius was jealous, and she was acting the same as before. I had to admire her.

“So Celina isn’t... _using_ Remus to upset Sirius?” James had failed miserably to find the right words.

“Never!” Tiff exclaimed. The words ‘mama chicken’ flashed in my head. “She’s way more mature than that!”

James put his hands up in surrender, then wrapped his arm around my waist. I felt tingles up my spine. “I hate it when you do that.”

“Do what?”

“That arm thing.” 

James immediately let his arm drop, looking hurt, but I pulled it back into place. “I don’t hate it that way. You just make me get shivers when you do that, it feels…strange.”

“So should I keep doing it?” He had an eyebrow cocked.

“Definitely, just warn me next time.” He laughed loudly. Celina and Remus turned around.

“What are you,” Celina counted “five talking about?”

“Not us, I hope.” Despite his easy tone, Remus looked just slightly uncomfortable

“Actually, you’re the big topic!” James made the truth sound like a lie by using his amazing skill with sarcasm.

“Yeah,” Peter said, grinning. “You’re what _everybody_ talks about these days. Merlin, Remus, you’re so conceited! Not everything’s about you!”

“Haha,” Remus said sardonically, but he and Celina started walking next to us to make sure.

“I can’t believe him,” Celina said in a low voice, her amazing eyes boring into the back of someone’s head.

I followed her gaze, and saw that Sirius and Sabrina had doubled back. They were now right in front of us, holding hands. Sabrina giggled about something, and Sirius threw a dirty look over his shoulder.

Remus’s face went red, and Celina gave him a sympathetic smile. Ahead, I could see Angela, Selena, and Sandra with their heads together. This made them walk super slowly, as it is _very_ hard to walk with someone’s head right next to yours. I had experience. 

“What do you think they talk about?” I asked, staring up ahead. I vaguely registered that I sounded like Celina.

“Boiling puppies, putting them in a blender, and then eating a puppy smoothie, I’d expect.” Tiff was smiling when she said it, but her eyes were screaming ‘worried’. “It’s exactly the kind of thing the Kiss sisters would plan.”

“But would Angela?” I’d asked this out of plain curiosity, but it had sparked something else the moment the words left my lips. If Angela would hang around the Kiss sisters, what wouldn’t she do?

This made me think of my dreams. I saw the snow falling gently in my mind’s eye, but also when I looked around me. Snow, Angela and the Kiss sisters, now all I needed was Severus and Derek Jones arguing, and I’d have my dream.

I continued to walk with James beside me, my stomach feeling ready to dump my breakfast on the road. When we finally got to Hogsmeade, I was on edge. I must’ve looked paranoid to everyone because I kept looking over my shoulder, waiting for something to happen. I had my right hand in the pocket of my cloak. It was clasped tightly around my wand. 

This gave me small comfort. How much could one person do if danger struck? We walked into the Three Broomsticks to warm up, though there wasn’t much of a wind outside, making the day almost pleasant. 

“Rosmerta,” James greeted, leading me over to the bar. She blinked. “Can I get two firewhiskeys?”

“James, I don’t drink.”

“Fine, one firewhiskey, and one butterbeer.” She was still blinking, unmoving. I waved a hand in front of her face, and she slapped it away.

“What the bloody hell’s going on here?” she demanded, staring from me, to James, then back to me.

“Sorry?”

“Why are you two touching?” I’d forgotten that most of Hogsmeade didn’t know we were dating yet.

“Oh, well, we’re going out now.”

Rosmerta positively beamed. “Thank Merlin! Finally!”

I blushed, but James pulled me even closer. It felt good. Everyone in the pub had her attention now, and up until then I hadn’t realized just how many people James had told he liked me. I blushed even more as Rosmerta shouted at the top of her voice,

“OI! LILY AND JAME ARE DATING!”

There was a round of applause and many cheers. I shrank into James, hating the attention. James looked slightly embarrassed as well, but he dealt with it better than I did.

“Rosmerta, you might want to shout a bit louder,” James suggested sarcastically. “I don’t think the blokes in China heard you.”

“Alright.” She inhaled as if to shout again, but the woman I recognized as Sinera from the last trip put her hand on Rosmerta’s arm and shook her head gently. Apparently, business in Hogsmeade was booming, and Sinera was helping Rosmerta with The Three Broomsticks, working for her part-time.

James grabbed our drinks, and we headed for a table occupied by Peter, Paige, and Tiff. Celina and Remus were in a booth behind Sirius and Sabrina, talking and laughing. Peter looked very put out.

“I can’t believe I’m sitting here with a bunch of girls.” James shot him a look, and Peter added, “And my mate and his girlfriend. I feel so alone.”

“Go get a date!” Tiff encouraged. She’d stretched her caring circle farther to include everyone in the Marauders but Sirius, for obvious reasons. “I’m sure there’s a girl just waiting for you to sweep her off her feet!”

“Tiff, would you--”

“I’m not that girl,” she said sternly. Peter’s face fell, and she patted his hand. “I’m currently focusing on school. Like I said I would _before_ Paige bugged me about getting a boyfriend.”

“Don’t blame me for what happened!” Paige whined. It was clear she already blamed herself. “I’m sorry I’m a nagging prat, but I can’t help it! I get it from Mum.”

“I’ve met your mum, and she’s a…lovely woman.” I changed my words at the last minute. Mrs. Green was actually extremely controlling and could in no possible way be described as ‘lovely’ without lying. But, it was for Paige’s sake. 

“She nearly threw you out of my house once she found out I went to Hogwarts with you.”

“Yes, but other than that, she was perfectly, uh, civil.”

“You’re mum sounds like a--”

“ _Lovely…woman._ ” I repeated between clenched teeth. James turned his attention to the table.

Paige looked thoroughly depressed, and I couldn’t help but feel surprised. I’d never thought she had a conscious! 

“Cheer up,” Tiff said, poking her in the arm joyfully. Paige remained stony faced. “I’m sure I would’ve ended up dating Bert without your advice, and it still would’ve been a flop.”

Nothing.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ll let you curse Bert today when there’s no one else around.” This was a good choice.

Paige’s face brightened considerably, and she started suggesting jinxes. I could see how much of an effort Tiff was making, and mentally congratulated her. She really didn’t want revenge on Jessmen, but she was doing it to make Paige happy. 

I stared out the window, watching the snowflakes fall softly to the ground. I was waiting for the time when I’d look in a window and see them, sitting together. No wonder Sabrina wasn’t in my dreams; she was with Sirius this entire time. My hands started shaking underneath the table, and I began looking around wildly for anymore signs or hints that this _was_ my dream.

James was looking at me strangely.

“What?” I demanded, a little sharply.

“Nothing,” he said, hardly seeming to notice my tone. I knew he was storing it in the back of his mind for later conversations. “You’re doing that cute lip-biting thing.”

I smiled, automatically feeling guilty for snapping. James took my hands to make them stop shaking. I felt immensely grateful that my boyfriend was smart enough not to bring these things up around our friends.

To distract myself, I stared at Sirius and Sabrina. This really didn’t work, since Sabrina was a Kiss, but I saw that Sirius’s face was…off. He didn’t look happy, or even pleased that he was sitting with a black-haired beauty, whose eyes were focused only on him. He looked pissed. 

Celina and Remus looked fine. Upon closer examination, Remus looked a little nervous, as any boy that came into contact with Celina did, but he was talking normally, smiling at her in a friendly way, and she was beaming. I didn’t care if Sirius was upset, Celina was happy. That was all that mattered to me.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” James asked, squeezing my hands.

“James, we’re in England.” I gestured around me, then to the snow. “It’s _freezing_ outside.”

“I find that a walk always clears my head.” I understood the doubly meaning in his words and got up. Peter looked horrified that the only other boy at the table was leaving.

“Paige and Tiff are beautiful,” I whispered to him quickly. “You’re sitting alone with two girls. Own it.”

He picked up on it almost instantly, starting up a conversation with Paige about History of Magic, which Tiff almost immediately joined. 

“I want to know,” James said once we were out, “what you’re thinking.”

“You don’t.”

He swung our still interlocked hands between us. “Oh, I really do.”

“The dream. I’m thinking about the dream.”

“Why?”

“Because everything around us fits!” I said forcefully. “You’ve only ever seen it from your point of view, standing with Voldemort and looking out at the crowd. For me, it gradually gets more complex and detailed. So far, I’ve seen Severus and Derek Jones fighting, Angela and Sandra and Selena sitting and talking through a window, and people running and screaming. The snow was the first part. If I see Severus and Jones, I’m sprinting to the school, and you’re coming too, whether you like it or not!”

James chuckled.

“That’s not going to happen.” He spoke so confidently, I was almost convinced. Almost.

“Can’t you see I’m really worried about this?” I used a pleading tone in my voice, the one I knew he couldn’t resist. James turned to me, holding my head between his hands. They were so warm; it was hard to believe it was barely twenty degrees.

“Do you want to go back? His eyes burned with something. They looked like honey now, instead of hazel. He was really asking. “We’ll go back if you’re that frightened.”

I felt like a coward after he said it. Who was Lily Evans to back away from a challenge? But, at the same time, I just didn’t want him to get hurt. Or me, or anybody. 

I sighed, thinking, and feeling my teeth automatically bite down on my teeth. If I told him I was scared, would he think less of me? Didn’t James like me for my spirit, stubbornness? Or would he rather I tell him the truth? My instincts for survival were going against my nature. 

James was still staring into my eyes. It made it hard to think clearly when he did that.

“I think,” I started, though I still didn’t know my answer. “I think we should just stay in the Three Broomsticks until everybody else wants to go back to school. If we don’t stay outside, it can’t happen, right?” I had a note of hysteria in my voice. James nodded, content to do whatever I wanted, and kissed my forehead. The skin where his lips touched felt blazing hot.

We walked back together, hand in hand, me trying to look straight ahead. I had a feeling that if I didn’t see Sev and Jones arguing, it wouldn’t happen. I hoped.

“How was you’re walk?” Tiff asked me. I saw that she and Paige sat alone.

“Fine. Where’s Peter?”

“He picked up a hot date flirting with me.” Tiff sounded the tiniest bit sour.

“How hot?”

“Rachel Thaddet hot.”

“What?” James burst out. “She’s terrible!”

“At least now we’ll have an ‘in’ to all the gossip,” Paige put in positively. Everyone turned to glare at her.

“When he breaks up with her, it’ll be all over the school!” James ran a hand through his hair, a nervous habit. “She’ll ruin his reputation!”

“Did Peter _have_ a reputation?” James glared at Paige again, and she made a face. “What I mean was, not many people really care about Peter.”

“Don’t say that, Pete’s a great guy.”

“Well yeah, but everyone’s always focused on you, or Sirius, or Remus. They never pay much attention to him,” Tiff agreed.

Paige gasped. 

She was having a psychiatrist epiphany.

“That’s why he said he’d go with Rachel! She’ll make him known! Oh, that poor boy has to suffer through Rachel Thaddet for the rest of the day, just to get some recognition! I pity him.”

“No way,” James said, shaking his head. “Peter doesn’t feel that way. He’d tell me.”

“Suite yourself.” Paige was speaking with an air of knowledge, as she always did when she figured something out.

I thought she had a point. People always wondered what James, Sirius, and Remus were doing. Peter was rarely thrown into the mix. While he was a really sweet person, most of the student body overlooked him because he wasn’t as good-looking as the other Marauders. Could this be a plea for attention? Merlin, I was sounding like Paige.

“Maybe you should talk to him,” I told James. “I think Paige is right this time. Maybe he just needs a little notice. You should make sure he knows he can get it without resorting to Rachel.”

“Lils, I know for a fact that Peter doesn’t care about that stuff. He told us.”

Tiff rolled her eyes.

“What?”

“Well, I know that I find it…difficult to speak my mind around certain people.” A look at Paige made it obvious who she was talking about. Paige sighed exasperatedly, even if she knew Tiff was joking. “Sirius can be pretty mean to him. Maybe it would help if you spoke to him, you know, alone.”

“There’s nothing wrong with Peter!” James insisted fiercely. “Peter is better than that! He probably just wanted a good snog! I know for a fact that Thaddet is quite a kisser—but not as good as Lily!” 

I continued to glower in his direction. He put his arms around me, as if that would make up for his words. People around us started to ‘awww’ and I pulled away, mortified. 

“You’ll have to get over this public display of affection phobia,” he said as Paige and Tiff prepared to leave. Remus and Celina saw us and put on their cloaks, hats, scarves, and gloves.

“I don’t see why,” I replied, back to my stubborn self. He just took my hand again and led me towards the castle. It was nearly four, and I felt guilty about hardly studying at all. Exams were months away!

With Celina in front of me, I realized that she looked like an angel with the snowflakes falling around her perfect figure. It was impossible that one girl could be so beautiful. I saw girls walk by her, throwing her vicious stares. I wasn’t the only one to notice how striking my friend was. Her silvery blonde hair whipped around lightly in the wind, slapping a girl who was glaring in the face. I stifled a giggle.

James didn’t notice. He was looking straight ahead, staring at the back of a very greasy head. 

“No, that’s just stupid!” Severus was saying to Derek Jones. “I won’t do it!”

“Snape, you have to.”

“No!”

My eyes widened, and I tried to take a breath. My lungs came up short, and I gasped. Severus whirled around. He saw me under James’s protective arm and his black eyes narrowed with hate.

James was now pulling me back up to the castle, seeming to move too quickly for a seventeen-year-old boy. I could hardly keep up with him. 

“What are you doing?”

“It’s a precaution.” James was speaking very low, through gritted teeth. 

Snape and Jones had been arguing, that I was sure of. But the setting wasn’t right. I was supposed to turn around, look in a window, and see two Kiss’s and Angela sitting together. But I could hear Sandra cackling at something Selena had said behind me. I couldn’t hear Angela.

James and I passed Celina and Remus shortly, and they exchanged a confused look. When we finally got back inside of Hogwarts, I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.

“See,” he said once we were in Gryffindor Common Room. “I told you there was nothing to worry about.”

“You were the one dragging me,” I pointed out. James didn’t respond, but went to his dormitory to get something. I went to mine to get my schoolbag and books.

Paige was spending the rest of the day with Josh at Hogsmeade, but Tiff came back after Celina and Remus. She looked horrified.

“Sirius Black just asked me out,” she whispered. I gave her a questioning look, showing I didn’t understand why this was so terrible. All she had to do was say no. “In front of Sabrina Kiss.”

“Oh Merlin, Tiff!” My hands covered my mouth in shock. “You’re going to be targeted by those beastly sisters!”

“I know!” she squeaked. 

“What happened?” James asked as he came back. 

“You’re best friend is strategically dating his way through ‘The Girls’.”

“What?”

“Sirius has just asked Tiff out…in front of his Kiss girlfriend!”

James let out a series of curse words, most beginning with an ‘F’. 

“Profanities don’t help!” Tiff had always been sensitive for that sort of thing, but I thought some swears were in order. “I’m going to be killed before break! Mum and Dad won’t even get to see me for the last time. I’m doomed!”

She sunk into an armchair in a pool of self-pity. I pulled out my Arithmancy book and started on my thirty translations—Professor Gormly was a horrible person. James started the Defense Against the Dark Arts essay on Unforgivable Curses. 

After wallowing for a while, Tiff decided to make her last few days on earth useful, and began her drawing of a centaur for Divination. Apparently, Professor Morgue had told her it would help her better understand the fellow Seers. He said Tiff had potential as a Seer, but Tiff had laughed about it after. 

Celina and Remus joined us shortly, laughing as they came in. Anybody else who saw them might’ve thought they were a couple. Actually, _I_ almost thought they were a couple. 

“You know what I think?”

Nobody answered.

“Well?”

Silence.

“What’s your problem?” Celina asked in a hurt tone.

Tiff once again explained her dilemma, and Celina started fretting over her. 

“Oh goodness! How could he do such an awful thing? I mean really, we all know he’s not the best of thinkers, but I’d think he’d have a little more knowledge of how the Kiss sisters work! Sabrina may not want to start anything, but that Sandra’s a right nasty piece of work! Come on, use your head, Sirius--”

“Could you stop talking about him like that?” Remus asked abruptly.

“Remus, he’s been--”

“No,” James interrupted. “He’s right. No matter what, Sirius has always been a great friend. When he’s happy, he’s the best guy to be around. But friends are supposed to stick with friends no matter what. We can’t just disown him because he’s being moody.”

“Sirius needs his friends right now, and the best we can do is ride it out.” Remus spoke calmly, very sure of the outcome. “He’ll come round in a few days, don’t worry. It’s happened before, and it’s bound to happen again.”

Remus and James said goodnight, though I was sure James knew he’d be seeing me in a few hours. 

And he did.

Less than three hours later, I woke in a cold sweat. I had two dreams to deal with, now. I’d hoped that maybe, just maybe, after a completely uneventful Hogsmeade trip, that particular nightmare would end. This time, it repeated _twice_. After that I had the dementor dream.

I walked downstairs in my dressing robe, saw James in our armchair, and sat with him the rest of the night.

**A/N: I know I said I'd update really quickly because I already had this chapter written.** ****

I lied.

****

Chapter Sixteen has undergone majoy surgery in order to make it worth reading. SO! I'm not oging to promise a fast update because, well, I have a life. ;) Review, and check out _Love Story_...REVIEW! 

****

 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Seventeen_

**I'm actually American. Talk about ironic!**

_Time won't let me go_  
Time won't let me go  
If I could do it all again  
I'd go back and change everything  
But time won't let me go 

The Bravery, Time Won’t Let Me Go

________________________________________________________________________

“Moony, could you pass me the cranberry sauce?”

Four heads jerked up to stare at Sirius, and while Celina, Tiff, and I looked down again quickly, Paige’s celery eyes bored into Sirius’s gray ones.

Remus, James, and Peter looked completely normal. Remus passed Sirius the bowl of cranberry sauce like it was nothing, and all of a sudden, the Marauders were back.

“Did you hear about the Fitchburg Finches?” Sirius asked Remus, Peter and James. 

“Ug, they were _killed_ by that New Zealand team,” Remus said, shaking his head in disgust. “I mean really, four hundred eighty-five to ten? It’s disgraceful.”

“We all knew those Americans couldn’t play Quidditch,” Peter said. “What with that stupid new game they have. What’s it called?”

“Quodpot,” James said grimly. “I think I’ve lost all respect for those people.”

The Quidditch conversations went on for the rest of dinner. Celina talked to Tiff about what she was doing over holiday break, and I listened to Paige dread seeing her insane mother.

“I can’t help who I am, you know?” she asked me as everybody got up to leave. “She’s just being so…”

“Annoying?”

“Exactly.” Then Paige groaned. “Now we have to pack! This is the worst day ever.”

“I’ve had worse.” Although I dreaded packing and facing Petunia, I was happy to see Dad. He’d sent me a letter saying he’d pick me up at King’s Cross, and that he had a surprise. While I didn’t like surprises, I was sure it couldn’t be too bad. Maybe Petunia was making me be a bridesmaid after all….

I parted with James to pack with my friends. And Angela. 

“Can you believe it?” Celina asked me joyfully as soon as I was through the door. ‘We’re going home tomorrow. Not that I don’t love Hogwarts, but I really need to see my family. I can’t wait to see Mum!”

Celina’s mother never came to pick her up at the station. Her dad was the only one there, occasionally with another family member, like a cousin or aunt. These people were always from her dad’s side. 

“You don’t think I can spend some time at your house, do you?” Celina blinked. I’d never been to her house before.

“Why?”

“I really don’t have the patience to deal with my sister right now.” And I want to see your mum, I added mentally.

“Well, I-I-I guess so.” I could see Celina’s brain working behind her skull. What was with her? “Are you sure you don’t want to go to, um, Paige’s?”

“And have her mother eat me? No thank you.”

“What about Tiff?” I narrowed my eyes.

“What’s the matter with you?” I asked, probably rather rudely. “Why don’t you want me to see your house? Is there something wrong, are you mad at me?”

“No Lily, of course not.” Angela had begun sifting through some clothes in her trunk, keeping her ear cocked towards us. “It’s just that…I don’t think you’d like to be with my family. They’re…strange.”

“How so?”

“Whatever, you can stay with me, no problem.” She spoke quickly and waved her wand at her trunk a little too enthusiastically. The few articles of clothing that had been thrown in were now flying about the room and Celina was cursing up a storm.

Seeming to do it without thinking, Angela flicked her wand and the clothes returned to Celina’s trunk, along with all the other clothes that were lying around and under her bed. Angela quickly dropped behind her bed to retrieve something when she realized what she’d done.

Celina’s eyes became misty, but she widened them and they were once again clear, flawless blue. I think she said something as she walked past Angela’s bed, but I couldn’t hear. 

Tiff was staring openmouthed at Angela, the girl who’d always had all Tiff’s love and attention. This was really hard for her.

Paige was doing what she did best: ignoring her feelings. She continued to pack her clothes, schoolbooks, ect.

For the first time, I wanted to badly to run over to Angie and give her a big hug, just to let her know I still cared. I balled my hands into fists and took some breaths. I wouldn’t cry on my last night at Hogwarts. I moved across the room, gathering my things and packing them neatly, as was the Lily way. 

Everything fit in my trunk perfectly—of course—and when I finished, Paige was wrestling with her dressing gown—which she’d previously, and incorrectly, bewitched with a Drying Spell, making it come alive and attack her every time she tried to wear it—Celina was searching for her makeup case that had ‘ran away’ and Tiff was trying to find something under her bed. 

I walked lightly downstairs, feeling very accomplished. Remus was down there, looking forlorn. I sat next to him on the couch.

“What’s wrong?” 

You’d think that after one of your best friends, no matter how jerky, started talking with you again, you’d be thrilled. Remus looked like he was in pain.

“I just don’t know how I can keep on being around Celina when Sirius is so upset.”

“ _Sirius_ is upset?” I thundered. Luckily, everybody was still packing, and no one heard. “Sorry, but Celina was the one who was cheated on. Isn’t that a little more upsetting?”

“But Sirius really liked her, and I just feel horrible for the way I feel about her.”

“How do you feel?”

“I like her,” Remus admitted, looking anywhere but at me. “Not the way Sirius liked her. But Lils, even if I _did_ feel that way about her, I couldn’t be with her anyway.”

“Why not?” I was asking a lot of questions. “Sirius shouldn’t object, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you that could make Celina say no!”

“There isn’t?” Remus spoke quietly, and his meaning slowly sunk in. My heart gave a lurch as I thought about what he meant.

“No,” I said softly, but confidently. “Celina doesn’t know about that, but, Remus, there’s _nothing_ wrong with you. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re a great man with a good heart. You’d never hurt a fly.”

“But I’ve hurt my best friends before.” There was agony in his voice. He looked so helpless. “I’ve done it. I almost bit James once, did he tell you that? Peter’s gone to the Hospital Wing several times because of what I’ve done. Sirius has scars along his shoulders and stomach because I basically mauled him. I’m a monster.”

“No,” I repeated, more firmly. “Remus, we all know how wonderful you are. It’s the reason your friends are willing to deal with all of this for you. You didn’t choose this, you don’t want it, but they help you because they love you, and they know how great a person you are when you’re human. You are _not_ a monster.” I grabbed his face, made him look into my eyes. “You are a good person, nothing can change that.”

“James and Peter say I should just stay friends with her,” he said after a while. I was happy for a change in topic.

“I’ll be honest with you, Remus; I don’t think she’s ready for a relationship. She’s still dealing with what Sirius did to her. I know she only thinks of you as a friend, and you can help her so much more by being that.”

I didn’t want to say it. I knew it would hurt him, but I also didn’t want to give him false hope. As nice as Remus was, I knew Celina could never like him as she did Sirius. The best strategy was to say it straight. 

“You know, I don’t think I want to ruin the great friendship we have by asking her out. I don’t think of her that way, really.”

I patted his arm consolingly because his eyes still looked haunted, depressed. 

“I’m glad. Celina really loves spending time with you. You’ve helped her so much.”

Remus was quiet for a bit, still staring into the flames. “Thank you, Lily.”

I hugged him in response. James came down a while later with Sirius and Peter. All had packed, and Sirius was looking rather giddy.

“Why do you look so…happy?” I asked once James had pulled me into his lap and Sirius and Peter had sat down beside Remus.

“It’s the holidays, why shouldn’t I be happy?”

“I don’t know, you’ve just been brooding lately.”

“Whatever. Lily, you _are_ coming to the Potter’s for Christmas lunch, right?”

“After the stories I’ve heard from James, I’m not sure it would benefit my health.” Sirius barked out a laugh. “I actually don’t know. My family does the dinner thing, and I think Sausage Man is coming over with Petunia.”

“Sausage Man?”

“Petunia’s fiancée. Anyway, I’ll probably be expected to sit and make small talk with him until I gorge my eyes out with my own fingernails. ”

James snapped his fingers. “Why don’t I go to dinner at your house, and you come to lunch at mine?”

“What?”

“Well it makes sense,” James said knowledgeably. “I’m your boyfriend, my parents are dying to meet you, and I bet your dad wants to meet _me_. And, I’d hate to find out you gorged your eyes out; they’re so beautiful.”

“James, I actually…haven’t told…my dad…about us.”

Now it was his turn to look shocked. “What?”

“I haven’t told him,” I repeated, shrugging my shoulders. James turned me around in his lap so he could look at me. 

“Why?”

“It’s not really something you put in a letter--”

“I told my parents in a letter!”

“But your parents knew how much you liked me. Dad kind of, well, knew how much I, er, hated you.”

James didn’t speak. Peter and Remus were looking at their feet. Sirius was waggling his eyebrows.

“Seems as though the fair Lily doth not love Sir Prongsie.”

I snorted at the word ‘love’. James glared at Sirius, who just smiled evilly. 

“I just can’t talk about that kind of thing with my dad, he’d get all protective, and then you’d run away screaming.”

“Well, tell him tomorrow,” James said. “When we get off the train. I’m going to be there a lot over break, just so my pretty Lily won’t have to claw her own eyes out.”

“I really shouldn’t just spring this on him--”

“Then it’s settled! I’ll introduce myself tomorrow, you’ll come to lunch at my place, and then I’ll go to dinner at yours! You’ll want to come for lunch. Mum’s trying turkey.”

“Merlin preserve us,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “If I had a galleon for every time your mother tried to cook…”

“You’d be richer than you already are,” Peter said, and Sirius hit him upside the head.

Later that night, though, James and I had our first extremely large fight. We’d gone from completely lovey-dovey, kissy faces to angry red faces with eyes that looked like slits.

“What do you think you were doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“You just checked out that Ravenclaw!”

“Excuse me?” he roared. “ _I_ haven’t checked _anyone_ out since we started dating!”

“I knew this would happen,” I said, ignoring James, and began pacing in the Common Room. “I couldn’t be sure when it would start, but I knew it would! Didn’t I tell you?”

“Merlin, Lily, don’t go all ‘I-told-you-so’! It gets annoying!”

“Are you calling me _annoying_?” My eyebrows shot up accusingly. “Okay, so here’s the tally of what you’ve done tonight: 1.) Checked out a Ravenclaw _after_ you asked me to come to Christmas lunch at your house 2.) Call me annoying, snooty, and--”

“When did I call you snooty?” he demanded.

“It was implied!”

‘You’re putting words in my mouth!”

“You’re lucky it’s not my fist up your arse!”

“So what, I looked at a girl! Are you jealous?”

“God dammit, James, I am so done with all this!” I turned on my heel, and made a dramatic exit. 

I made it to the door to my dormitory before I turned back.

“Lily, I’m--”

“No, James, I was being--”

“You had every right to--”

“But I should know better--”

“I shouldn’t have looked at--”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

*~~*

“Lily!”

“Dad!’

I ran to my father, dragging James with me using one hand, reaching out for Dad wither the other.

I hugged him as soon as I was close enough. James stood awkwardly by my side, his eyes darting from my father to me. He was examining our relationship, and so far he didn’t seem too upset with it. He already had a problem with Petunia.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Dad said into my hair. 

“I’ve missed you too, Dad.” James cleared his throat, regaining my attention.

“Oh, um, Dad? This is James…my boyfriend. I wrote last night to tell you he’d be coming to Christmas dinner with me.”

“Oh yeah.” Dad surveyed James grimly. “James Potter, are you?”

“Yes, sir.” James stuck out a hand politely. Dad ignored it and continued to look at James appraisingly. 

“Are you’re parents here, boy?”

“Dad!” I said, mortified by his attitude. 

“Yes,” James said, ignoring my father’s blatantly rude tone. “They’re just outside the crowd. They wanted to meet Lily, if that’s alright with you.”

Dad harrumphed, but grudgingly let me go. I walked with James nervously.

“What if they don’t…like me?”

“Who doesn’t?” I could think of several people, but didn’t say anything. I was anxious enough.

I could see Sirius already standing near the Potters, hugging a red-haired woman. A gray-haired man stood smiling nearby. They looked nice enough, but my stomach started turning as we approached them. Every step I took closer to my boyfriend’s family made me feel like I was walking to my doom.

The woman, Mrs. Potter, squealed with delight when she saw her son. Sirius was shunned to the side instantly, and James took his place in Mrs. Potter’s arms. 

“Oh Jamesie!” She said as she squeezed James. Sirius smirked at Mrs. Potter’s pet name for James. He looked at me. I returned with a glare. I still hated him. “It’s been too long! I keep trying to convince Dumbledore that you need more holidays, but he just brushes me off!” 

James tried to loosen his mother’s arms, but she only clung tighter. I looked around the station and saw Paige leaving with her sour-faced mother, while Tiff was being hugged by both her parents. Celina had already left, apparently. Finally, James said something into her ear, and Mrs. Potter relented. 

“You must be Lily,” she said kindly, taking my hand and holding it like my mother used to. “We’ve heard so much about you, dear. It’s wonderful to meet you.”

“It seems the Potter men prefer red-heads,” Mr. Potter said with a chuckle. “It’s great to meet you, Lily.”

“It’s nice to meet you, too, Mr. Potter.”

“Please, call me Edward.” I shook his hand once Mrs. Potter—Kate, as I’d been instructed to call her—had let go. “James was right, you have beautiful eyes.”

I blushed because everybody was now looking at my eyes. I didn’t enjoy attention. While I knew it went against my nature to just blend with the crowd, I didn’t like the spotlight either. Anywhere in-between was good for me. 

“They’re my mother’s.”

*~~*

“What was the surprise you wrote about?” I asked Dad as we pulled into the driveway. It felt good to be home again.

Dad was suddenly fidgety. He dropped the keys as he took them out of the ignition. I got out of the car cautiously, watching him carefully. He didn’t answer me, but when we got to the door, he dropped the keys again.

As he picked them up, he said “I meant to kind of prep you on the way home, but I guess it’s a little late for that, huh?”

“I guess,” I said uneasily. “Dad, I honestly don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. What were you going to prep me for?” More importantly: why would I need prepping?

“Honey, since you left in September, some things have changed.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Like what?”

The door swung open to reveal a bottle blonde, who swept me into a hug and trilled in a Marilyn Monroe voice “I’m so happy to be joining your family!”

_“Who the hell is this?”_

“Lily, this is Pam.”

“Carl, dearie, you haven’t told her yet?” Dad shook his head, and ‘Pam’ almost stuck her finger up my nose while waving something in my face.

A diamond ring.

*~~*

I learned that Dad and Pam were planning to be wed a month after Vernon and Petunia. They planned it this way because Pam ‘wanted all the family together’. Like I’d _ever_ be her family.

Petunia came home the day before Christmas. I was under explicit instructions to ‘be nice’ from Dad. Apparently, Pam thought we were one big happy family. That made me snort.

“Dad!” Petunia called once she’d come through the door. “Dad? I’m here!”

“Hello Petunia!”

“Oh.” Petunia’s face fell a little. “Pam, you’re here, too?”

“Yes, silly!” Pam walked over and gave Petunia a big hug. Petunia shot a look at me, pleading for intervention. 

“Pam, I don’t think you’ve met Vernon,” I said, gesturing toward the huge man in behind my sister. Vernon’s mustache twitched as he assessed my soon-to-be-stepmother. It was a bad sign when the mustache twitched.

Pam released Petunia, who for a moment forgot she hated me and mouthed ‘thank you’, and started over to Vernon, preparing herself for another hug. It was a good thing Vernon stuck out his hand for a handshake, because Pam wouldn’t have been able to reach around his middle. 

“Hello,” he greeted her a little stiffly.

“Hello! I’m Pam! It’s so good to finally meet you, Vernon. I’ve heard so much about you from Petunia.” Vernon nodded. He didn’t really like people very much.

As soon as it was possible, I dragged Petunia into my room for intense interrogating.

“So how long have you known?”

“About a month.”

“How long has it been…going on?”

“Since you left for that place you call a school.” That stung.

Apparently, she’d known they were dating, but, as, she thought it wasn’t serious, she hadn’t seen fit to tell me. Yeah, right. Pam, according to Petunia, had been ‘sleeping over’ since October. She acted like the fact that she hadn’t known they were _engaged_ until November—precisely two months after they met, mind you—made up for not telling me. This didn’t actually make sense when you thought about it, but in Petunia’s mind sense didn’t matter, because she had none of it. 

This was the exact kind of responsibility that made my stomach twinge. I thought I was developing an ulcer from the near constant amount of stress that the people in my life were giving me. 

Two months!

“I think they’re rushing this,” I told her, ignoring her previous comment.

“If they’re in love,” Petunia said, the hopeless romantic in the family, “time shouldn’t matter. It’s what’s in the heart.”

With those parting words, she went to her Sausage Man. I nearly gagged.

It took more than two months to fall in love, and I knew my father wanted _real love._ Like the kind he’d had with my mother. 

I jumped when something tapped on my window, ruining the silence. I got up and opened the window to see a small, wet owl with a letter attached to its leg. I relieved the owl of its burden, letting it sit on my writing table while I read, making sure it was positioned over some newspaper in case it wanted to ‘relieve’ itself.

_Lily,_ __

I’ve asked my mum, and she said it would be fine if you come over the day after Christmas. She also said you could stay until the end of break! I’ll Apparate to your house around noon on the 26th, and then you can come back with me!

__

Let me know what your dad says, and how the whole Petunia matter goes!

__

Celina

__

I pulled out some paper and a pen—being back in the muggle world had some benefits. 

_Celina,_ _He won’t mind, he’s too busy with his_ fiancée. _I’ll tell you about it when I see you. DO NOT TELL PAIGE! She’ll go all ‘shrink’ on me, and then I’ll have to jump from a cliff, or strangle her. Either way, nothing good will come of it._ __

Lily

__

I decided to wait a day to send the letter so that poor owl could get some rest. When Dad called me down to dinner, I yelled back that I wasn’t hungry and just wanted to sleep.

While I really _did_ want some sleep, I had way too much on my mind to get any. All I kept thinking about was my father, who had waited six years to marry my mother, marrying another woman after two months. He couldn’t have been thinking straight when he asked her. You couldn’t marry Corina Evans, and then marry Pam Dintel. I snuggled farther into my covers.

I looked at the wall right next to me.

_“We’d knock on the wall just quietly enough not to wake our parents, but loud enough for the other person to hear it. She’d come into my room immediately, even if it was because I was scared of the monsters under my bed.”_

I was sorely tempted to knock on the wall we shared, to call my sister into my room, and back into my life. Maybe she would’ve come, maybe not. Maybe it would’ve reminded her of all the great times we’d had and she’d run in crying, hug me, and, as an added bonus, say she wouldn’t marry Vernon.

Or maybe she’d ignore it, like she now ignored me. My family was so screwed up.

*~~*

James and I had arranged for him to Apparate to my house, but inconspicuously because of Vernon.

It was Christmas, and I was waiting for the doorbell to ring—quite literally. I was actually sitting on the bottom step of the staircase where I could see anybody on the stoop from the little side window. This was not normal Lily behavior, but James brought out a different side of me. Sometimes it was Fun-Loving Lily, who would let him get away with snogging instead of studying. But lately I’d had to be Hard Lily, because exams were coming, and snogging expertise would not help me there.

Dad looked slightly cross, standing in the doorway to the kitchen like he was ready for a fight. When he’d first met James, he was in a fairly good mood. At least he didn’t start talking about ‘the man around the corner’.

_Did you hear? A man around the corner from our house murdered a kid. The boy broke his daughter’s heart, and he chopped him into little pieces and buried him. Never found the body._ This small speech had scared away John, Kirk, and Yuri. I’d never liked Yuri much, anyway.

“Lily, dearest!” Pam called softly. I whipped my head around to see her standing at the top of the stairs. 

And really, ‘dearest’?

“When is your handsome boyfriend coming over?”

_What?_

Dad looked. “Pam, he’s coming to pick her up, and then they’re going to lunch at his house. _Then_ they’ll come back for dinner. And I forgot to ask you, do you cook?”

“Oh, yes!”

“Marvelous!” His face lit up.

“I can make macaroni and cheese without it getting all clumpy, now!” Dad’s face resumed the pout he’d had on since breakfast. Even I could make macaroni and cheese, it was basic! Like knowing from birth that you’re not supposed to put pickles in your mashed potatoes! 

At that precise moment, the doorbell rang.

I sprinted to the door before Dad, or Pam, could get anywhere near to him. I threw it open, and pulled on my jacket at the same time. 

“Hey,” I said softly. 

“Hey,” he said, looking at me with something unexplainable in his eyes. I took his hand and led him into the hallway so that I could put on the rest of my winter apparel. 

I had my gloves on by the time Petunia and Vernon entered the room. Petunia did a double take when she saw James. I was going to have to learn to deal with the fact that my boyfriend was just unbelievably handsome.

“Petunia, please stop blatantly staring at my boyfriend,” I said frankly. “It’s very rude.”

She made a ‘psh’ sound. “I wasn’t staring! He’s one of your kind, isn’t he?”

“He goes to my school, if that’s what you mean.” I looked at James and saw that his eyes had narrowed. It was one thing to hear about Petunia’s dislike, but to witness it firsthand was something else entirely. “Petunia, Vernon, this is James.”

Vernon huffed. “And how long have you two been having relations?”

“Excuse me?”

“What Vernon means,” Petunia corrected, “is how long have you been dating?”

“It’ll be two months on December 31,” James answered, almost instantly. Vernon nodded seriously. I looked at a watch I didn’t have.

“James, we should leave if we don’t want to be late.”

“Of course,” James said, now glaring at the Sausage Man. “Let’s go.” But even as he said this, he didn’t move an inch. I took him by the elbow and steered him out the door. He was frowning.

“I don’t like him,” he said once the door had closed. “He seems so…cocky.”

“You got that already?” I asked sarcastically. It had been my first impression of him. “Vernon isn’t a people person, and he bores the life out of me, which is why I’ll be happy to have you there to entertain me tonight when he drones on and on about his drills.”

“Drills?”

“He’s an intern at some drill company, and he’s got ‘the company car’.” I rolled my eyes. Maybe I was being a little unfair to Vernon. At least he had the small amount of brains it took to get out of school, and that had to be a plus. “But I guess he cares a lot about Petunia, and that’s good enough for me.” It wasn't.

The moment we turned the corner, James and I Disapparated. With a small _pop_ , we ended up in front of the largest house I had ever seen. 

“Is this your house?” I whispered.

“Yes.”

I tried not to look so awed, but failed miserably. He laughed. “We get that reaction a lot.”

“Oh.”

“We should get inside to make sure Sirius isn’t distracting Mum.” I smiled weakly, suddenly embarrassed that James had seen my little shack of a home. 

We walked up a long driveway, and though there was a knocker, James opened the door. All seemed well; there was no thick black smoke, or any smell of burning. It seemed that Kate Potter was holding her own in the kitchen.

“Sirius isn’t here yet,” James commented. “If he was, he’d be down here by now.”

He took me to the kitchen, where I saw Kate working laboriously over a turkey, while the little elf I assumed to be Bobble stood dutifully by her side, watching her every move like a hawk.

“Mum!” James said. “You’re letting Bobble do her job!”

“No, sweetums,” Kate insisted. “I am letting Bobble assist me in making a Christmas feast!”

“Right.” James went to his mother and kissed her on the cheek. “Lily and I will be upstairs if you need us, Mum. Send Sirius and Peter up when they get here.”

“Oh, hello again Lily!” I waved hello. Kate suddenly looked sharply at her son. “And just so you know, I can pop up there at anytime and surprise you. I’m a ninja!”

“Whatever you say.”

I laughed, but Kate still looked extremely serious. James rolled his eyes exasperatedly when she turned her back. 

James took me up a grand staircase in the middle of the large entry hall. I was scared of getting dirt from my shoes on the cream white carpet, but James assured me that if I took my shoes off, Bobble would steal them and smash them into the carpet just to have something to do.

“I don’t understand _why_ we have a house elf if my mother does everything a house elf normally does!”

We finally came to a large bedroom at the end of a long hallway. 

His room was massive. 

“It’s kinda too big, but it’s a great room.” He looked at me questioningly, trying to read my reaction in my face. I did a better job of hiding it this time because he kissed me lightly, kicking the door with his foot so that it closed.

“She couldn’t be a ninja if she tried,” he whispered, pulling me closer. By my assumptions—which were sometimes incorrect—we had about ten to thirty minutes before Sirius and Peter arrived. It would be enough.

If Mrs. Potter really wasn’t a ninja.

“Hello!” she trilled, sounding like Pam. She threw open the door, giving James and me very little time to recover from our latest snog. “The boys will be here in a few minutes, and Bobble has the cooking under control for now, so I though it would be fun to get to know you, Lily!”

“Oh, um, okay.” She’d unnerved me, and I was still a little jumpy. “What do you, er, want to know?”

“What’s you’re family like?”

I sighed. This was not my favorite topic. “They’re a bunch of dysfunctional circus freaks, but that’s just my opinion. My dad’s really great, but his fiancée, Pam, is just--”

“I didn’t know you’re dad was getting remarried!” James said, looking offended.

“I didn’t know myself until a few days ago,” I replied bitterly. “Guess what was waiting for me when I got home from the station? Anyway, she seems nice, but she’s _way_ too into being my family. They’ve only been dating for two months, so I think it’s just a tad stupid for them to get married. But, hey! Whatever! It’s not like anybody cares about what Lily has to say!”

I was ranting in front of almost a complete stranger. Kate was looking at me with concerned eyes, and I felt guilty for probably scaring her. 

“Lily, did you tell your father how you feel about this marriage?” she asked me. This was different from what I’d expected. I blinked, very uncomfortable.

“Sorry, love,” James apologized. “It's a habit for her. Mum works for St. Mungo’s in the psychiatric ward. Do not tell Paige.”

“Who’s Paige?” James had managed to distract Kate from the topic of my bottled up feelings, which would probably end up giving me a tumor at the age of seventeen. “Who is Paige?”

“Paige is one of my very good friends,” I explained. I tried to thank James with my eyes, but I looked like some bug-eyed creature. “She’s a Muggleborn, like me, so she’s worried Voldemort will try to kill her, and then she’ll have to go into hiding, so her back-up plan is to be a muggle psychiatrist.”

“You know, that’s not an irrational fear.” Kate was deep in thought, and when Sirius busted through the door, she screamed and jumped sky-high.

“Lily, _dahhhling_ ,” Sirius drawled in a posh accent. “It’s been too long, hasn’t it?”

“Not long enough,” I muttered. James gave me a ‘be-nice’ look. I had to be nice to Petunia _and_ Sirius? Ug. 

**A/N: I meant to post this on Christmas day, to go with the whole theme, but it was delayed due to a nasty internet problem.** ****

And I just couldn't resist naming James's father Edward. While I am a stead-fast Harry Potter fan, Twilight is my guilty pleasure. I'm a hopeless romantic :)

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Review this chapter to tell me what you think! Seriously, hit the button. :l 

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	18. Chapter Eighteen

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Eighteen_

_The wind came round and blew this place apart_  
It's you and me now sitting in the dark  
The lights are out and everybody's home  
Its you and me and we are both alone __

The lines are down there's just no getting through  
You stare at me and I stare back at you  
And in the dark I know that I can't see  
Cause here you are and still don't see me 

Cheryl Wheeler, Act of Nature

___________________________________________________________________________________________

“Well that was surprisingly delicious,” Edward said. He kissed Kate’s cheek when she started to glare at him. “Because we were all prepared for the worst.”

I’d made it through the entire lunch—which was shockingly tasty—and answered all of Mrs. Potter’s questions well. I’d even managed to deflect any inquiries about my family tactfully. I deserved a prize.

“Oh, don’t be mean!” But Kate didn’t look the least bit insulted by her husband’s words. In fact, she looked immensely proud. “Bobble let me make the salad, but other than that, it was all her.”

“Yes, _and_ ,” Sirius looked extremely serious, “I was forced upstairs with James listening to Lily ramble on and on about her study habits and how N.E.W.T’s were a few months away. I hope you know that meal was made from my sacrifice.”

“When you’re forced to take a muggle employment because of your inability to perform a simple charm, I will be next to you, laughing my butt off.” I smirked.

“And you’re butt is quite big,” Sirius retorted. James hit him upside the head. 

“I don’t understand it,” James said, shaking his head. “It’s like they’re polar opposites. They didn’t say five kind words to each other the whole day.”

“Don’t worry, Lily,” Kate assured me in a stage whisper. “Sirius will go away in a while. Then you’ll only have to put up with him at the ‘Marauder Reunion’.” I raised an eyebrow.

“The Marauders have made a solemn oath to forever be mates, which means we must plan gatherings that force us to come together” Sirius explained. “But not _that_ kind of mates, the other kind.”

“What kind, Sirius?” I asked. “Is _that_ the reason you couldn’t keep things going with Celina?” James snorted.

“You broke up with Celina?” Kate demanded, looking horrified. “I though you liked her!”

“Apparently not enough to keep his pants on when another girl came knocking.” Kate’s mouth dropped.

“Lily, I hadn’t exactly revealed the conditions under which Celina and I, er, split.”

“Split is putting it nicely,” I growled. “And he didn’t break up with her. He cheated on her.”

“Lils, maybe we should leave now--” James started, but Kate interrupted.

“Sirius, didn’t we discuss that you are to treat women with love and respect?” Kate was speaking with a classically motherly tone; thoroughly disappointed. “I can’t believe you’ve gone and blown it with another perfectly kind and pretty girl.”

“If you’d seen her, Kate, you would never call her ‘pretty’.” James nodded in agreement.

“It’s bad enough you cheated on her, but to call her unattractive is another thing!”

“Not what I meant,” Sirius said bitterly. For a moment, I actually thought he sounded remorseful. Maybe he regretted his actions after all? “She is probably the hottest woman on the face of the planet.”

He had to ruin it. The one time I’d been willing to believe that Sirius was capable of the change James had gone through, and he just squashed it. Celina hated being the ‘hot’ one. I knew she, like most girls, wanted to be thought of as beautiful and sophisticated. It was what really bugged her about the boys in Hogwarts, or really, the whole male race. They never saw passed her looks.

“I wish I could slap you without offending the Potters.” I stared him down for a few seconds, and then turned to Kate. “Thank you so much for your—and Bobble’s—amazing lunch, but James and I should really go to my house before I strangle your adopted son.”

Kate laughed. “Of course. I have that problem myself sometimes.” Sirius’s jaw dropped. “It was lovely talking to you.”

“Safe trip!” Edward called. He was now reading a paper intently in the living room across the house. 

“Bye!” James yelled. 

As soon as we were a block away from my house, I started prepping James.

“Prepare for the worst,” I instructed, biting my lip between words. “I mean, you’re a very charming man, and I think my dad’s girlfriend is already in love with you, but don’t push it. Petunia is going to hate you no matter what, but you may be able to get Vernon to be civil with you, just don’t get your hopes up.”

“I feel like I’m going to war,” he said, even though he was smiling. The snow was falling heavily, and I had almost slipped three times already.

“Why are you smiling?” I demanded. “I’m getting an ulcer just thinking about you being anywhere near my family!”

“Calm down,” James whispered into my ear, sending chills down my spine. “It’ll all be fine, I promise.”

“That promise is completely out of your control.”

“But I have faith.”

I made it to my door without fainting, so I figured it was a good sign. James held my hand tightly, and I suddenly felt better, like I was drawing his positive attitude into my body. I was breathing normally now.

“We’re back!” I called into my house. It was only now that I saw all the lights were out. “Is anybody here?”

“Oh, we’re here,” a voice said from somewhere next to me. I started and pullout out my wand out of reflex. 

“Put that bloody thing away,” the voice snapped angrily. “Do you want Vernon to see it?”

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I thought you were a Death Eater.”

“A what?”

“Forget it.” I could still feel James’s hand in mine, which meant he hadn’t taken off running. A good sign. “Why is it so dark? Did the power go out?”

“Yes,” somebody harrumphed, and by the sound of floorboards creaking, I thought it was Vernon. “There’s a power outage. Pam and your father are upstairs doing…something.”

“Joy. James, try not to get scarred.”

“I’ll do my best.”

I led him up the stairs cautiously, wondering how far I could get without hearing _it_.

I got maybe four steps into the upstairs hallway.

A small sound, though very significant was coming from the direction of my father’s bedroom. I made James walk back downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to face the embarrassment of him seeing whatever was going on.

I knocked loudly on the door and heard Pam shriek in surprise.

“Who’s there?”

“God,” I said sarcastically. “Who do you think it is?”

I heard bed springs creaking. “Lily, this really isn’t the best time for your teenage sarcasm.”

“Oh well, I can’t control it. I’m back with James, and, as the power is out, I assume there is not food?”

“Er, yes.”

I sighed impatiently as I heard light feet patting on the floor, then opening the wardrobe in Dad’s room. Pam had already moved in then? Fabulous.

“I’ll be downstairs,” I shouted. “Come down when you’re both fully dressed.” I heard Petunia behind me, though I was still unprepared when she pulled me into a closet and slammed the door, leaving us in complete darkness.

“Why can’t you use your freakish abilities to turn the power back on?” she demanded shrilly. “Vernon is getting a bad impression!”

“Heaven forbid,” I mumbled angrily. “I can’t with Vernon or Pam around, you know that! No Muggle can be around when I use my magic, or it’ll look suspicious, and I don’t believe you were planning on telling Vernon I was a witch this very weekend.”

“Maybe not--”

“And by the way, when _are_ you going to tell him?” My voice came out harsher than I’d intended. “After you’re married? On the honeymoon, are you just going to say ‘By the way Vernon, you know how you think witches and magic are all mythical crap? Well…they’re not! You’re actually now related to a witch! Isn’t that just fantastic?’”

“Shut up,” she snapped, opening the door to let some light in and stalking off. I followed her back downstairs to see—barely, due to the lack of light—James sitting on the sofa across from Vernon, who occupied an armchair. He looked like he was in pain.

“…but you see the real thing you’ve got to look for in a drill,” Vernon was telling him, “is the make. If it’s a do-it yourself kind of thing, it’s just going to be trash. You can’t get many quality drills these days, but if you’re nice to me, I could get you a deal with Grunnings. Finest drills made this century, I believe, that’s all we sponsor. You wouldn’t want a bad drill, would you, boy?”

“Apparently not.”

“So you need a Grunnings! It’s really the only way to go. And when you’ve decided what make you want, you need the year because Grunnings has all the different kinds and years. Basically, do some research before you come in, or we’ll have some trouble giving you the best kind of drill.”

“And that would be a bloody shame.”

“Of course it would be!” Vernon exclaimed, happy that James appeared to be sharing his enthusiasm for drills. I could almost see James’s eyes crossing in boredom. Vernon didn’t realize James was being sarcastic. “But you should see some of the people I see. Of course, you already know that I have to spend some time in the stores that sell our drills. It’s no surprise that some of the people I see are just loonies!”

“None at all!” I had my hand covering my mouth and my shoulders were shaking from suppressed laughter.

“So what it comes down to is--”

“Look, James,” I yelled, distracting Vernon from his speech. I wanted some alone time with my boyfriend. I moved into the kitchen. “A feather! Come in here so we can stare at it together!”

“Oh! Sounds like fun!” He leapt from his seat, turned to Vernon, and said, “It was lovely talking with you, old chap.” He ran into the kitchen—falling several times after tripping over objects in the dark--where I was waiting and swept me into his arms. Vernon grunted, and from his position in the armchair he could see everything we were doing. Including kissing.

Just then, I heard Dad and Pam coming down the stairs. I pushed James off me—he let go reluctantly—and moved back into the living room with him in tow.

“Hello again, Lily!” Pam said in her annoyingly breathy voice. “It’s a little chilly down here, isn’t it?”

“Well, Pam,” I said in a falsely patient voice, “the power is off. Which mean there’s no heat. Which means: no warmth.”

“Oh, I already know that, silly!” 

I could feel my stomach twitching. I wanted so badly to just whip out my wand and conjure a heater or something! My father had been too cheap to buy us a generator, so not only were we without light, we were without heat, too. I could tell this wouldn’t be one of the better Christmases, despite James’s presence. 

“But what are we going to eat?” I asked. James nodded fervently. He was big on eating.

“Well, it’s too nasty outside to go to a restaurant.” I whipped my head around to look at the window, which resembled a white wall. It was snowing so much, I couldn’t see outside. It had obviously started snowing and hailing more. As I listened, I heard ice tapping on the roof. “That also rules out takeaway. You’d have to be mad to go outside now.”

“If it’s so bad outside, how did you two get back?” Vernon inquired. James and I became very still. “And how did you even get there? I didn’t see a car, and it must be too far to walk!”

“We took the underground,” I replied shortly. Vernon might’ve been boring, but he wasn’t a complete idiot. “One of the last trains running.”

James thought for a moment. “We could all go to my place!”

“But the underground is closed now, you said.” Vernon’s beady eyes became smaller with distrust. 

“I forgot,” James lied smoothly. “But the more pressing problem is: how do we eat?” Just then, a car’s headlights made their way through the snow and into James’s face. He blinked with the light in his eyes, made worse by his glasses. 

“Oh my goodness,” Pam said breathily. I wasn’t sure I liked where this was going. “I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Pam, Lily’s almost-stepmother.”

“James, Lily’s boyfriend.” James shook Pam’s hand, and I glared at her. 

First, she had no reason to mention that we were—unfortunately—soon-to-be related, if only by marriage. I didn’t need another reminder that I would have to see this woman every holiday. I, personally, wanted nothing to do with her, and if my father was actually wealthy, I’d say she was in it for the money. Let’s face it; Dad wasn’t exactly the most attractive man in the world. But Dad was a lowly employee at the bank of London, so I couldn’t pin that on her.

Second, she was looking at my boyfriend. _My_ boyfriend. She obviously liked young men, though my father was nothing of the sort. In fact, he was pretty old. When I was born, he was forty-one. My mother had been thirty-six. It seemed that, even though she was getting married in a few months, she had no problem ogling my boyfriend. Pam was going to someone in my life that I just had to put up with, for my Dad’s sake. 

No matter how bad she was, she made my Dad happier than he’d been in years. But still, why marry two months into the relationship? It’s just ridiculous! Even the most irresponsible person in the world knew you should wait at least a year! It was like basic instinct. 

“I suppose we could just empty out the pantry,” Dad suggested. I frowned.

“That wouldn’t be a balance meal, Dad.” I sighed when everyone looked at me, curious as to why this mattered. “Without all the proper nutrients, we’ll end up getting faint. And we’ll still be hungry, we just won’t feel it until a few hours later, whereas with a _real_ meal, we could probably go for at least four hours without absolutely _needing_ another meal.”

Nobody said a word. I sighed again, probably looking like a know-it-all brat, but I wouldn’t let my family eat an unhealthy meal. “It’s bad for you to not eat a proper dinner.”

Now the head nodded in agreement.

“But what do we do then?” Vernon asked, horrified at the thought of not eating. 

“The storm can’t go on much longer,” Petunia concluded. “The roads will be clear in a few hours, so for now we’ll just have to put on a lot of sweaters and raid the pantry closet, healthy or not.”

I heard my teeth grinding together at her blatant dismissal of my small, but important, speech. It was a pet peeve. But instead of chewing her out for it—as I would’ve if Pam didn’t think we loved each other—I took James’s hand and dragged him upstairs so I could get one thousand sweatshirts to wear when the real cold settled in. 

“Am I going to see your room?” he asked, raising eyebrows suggestively.

“Shut up,” I said, a little short tempered from Petunia and Pam. He raised his hands up to his shoulders, like he was surrendering. I felt badly, so I said, “Sorry. I’m strung a little tight right now.”

In response, James kissed me quickly, then ran into my room and began, yes, bouncing on the bed.

It wasn’t full on bouncing, though. He just sat on the bed and started moving his body up and down, making the springs react and bounce him high enough to amuse him while I grabbed cardigans and sweaters from my closet and trunk from school. I honestly already couldn’t wait to go back to Hogwarts. As far as I was concerned, as long as Pam was here, this wasn’t my home anymore. I nipped into Dad’s room to get something for James to wear instead of the light T-shirt he had, rather stupidly, worn under his coat. Who didn’t wear sweaters in December?

When we rejoined the rest of my crazy ‘family’ they were dipping crackers into a jar of peanut butter. Petunia was going mad.

“People, please!” she yelled, her hands fluttering. “Now the next time somebody goes to use the peanut butter, there’ll be chunks of cracker in it! That’s disgusting!”

“Relax, Petunia,” I said, taking a handful of crackers and dipping them in. “We’re in survival mode now. I’m sure whoever _does_ use the peanut butter next—you, most likely—won’t mind once we explain that we were starving and that peanut butter is a great source of protein.”

She was shooting daggers at me, now, so I turned my attention to the crackers I was trying to stuff into my mouth. James laughed when he saw me—in the little light that was left outside--devouring six crackers in one mouthful. Petunia and Vernon were looking at me like I was an animal. 

Half an hour later, the sun went down all the way, and we were in complete darkness, still gathered around the crackers and peanut butter. Apparently, no one had thought to go get a torch beforehand, so I excused myself, lit my wand, and went down to the basement to get some. 

Finally, the lights flickered back on. Cheers erupted from all around the house—most of us had gotten sick of each other. Petunia and Vernon had moved to sit at the kitchen table, discussing drills, no doubt. Dad and Pam had once again moved to his bedroom, so James and I stayed in the living room, having a pretty good time except for the impossible cold. 

I could hear cheers coming from the houses around us, maybe even an occasional whooping. I wondered how Remus and his family were doing. Then again, they probably didn’t have a house full of muggles they couldn’t do magic in front of, as Remus’s parents were both wizards. 

“The power’s back, thank Merlin!” I shouted through my chattering teeth. 

“Merlin?” Vernon bellowed from the kitchen. Petunia shot me a look. “That’s simply preposterous! You’re sister’s mad, Petunia!”

It was strange; James was right next to me one moment, but the next, he’d vanished. I looked into the kitchen and saw he was pointing a finger at Vernon.

“Don’t you _ever_ talk about Lily like that!” he yelled. “Don’t you ever even _think_ something like that! And if you do, I’ll personally make sure you can’t think anymore!”

Petunia’s mouth was hanging open in shock. Vernon hauled himself up from his chair to try and looked intimidating. He was actually several inches shorter than James, and much less muscled, though he could probably sit on James and crush him. I was looked back and forth between them both, trying to think of a good way to end whatever had just happened.

“You can’t talk to me like that, boy!” Vernon yelled, but with much less force than James. “Come on Petunia, we’re leaving!”

“No!” I said quickly. “I think it’s time that I take James back to his house. The roads must be alright if people can come to fix the power. Come on.” I took James by the arm for what seemed like the thousandth time, and hauled him out the door. It was still snowing, but lightly. The ice was very thin. Outside in my million and one sweaters, I couldn’t feel the cold that much.

“Lily, he just--”

“I know what he did, James!” My breathing was getting erratic. “He does it every time he sees me! But you can’t just go around threatening people, especially when those people are about to marry other people’s sisters! Jeez, she hates me enough as it is, but after that, she’ll never speak to me again!”

“What was I supposed to do?” James demanded, eyes flashing in anger. “Sit there and let him insult you? You of all people must know I can’t do that!”

“The learn! It’s fine when you’re defending me at Hogwarts, where nobody can get a _restraining order_ , but can’t always be there to defend me. I can take care of myself!”

“I know that, I really do.” He stopped walking and grabbed my hands, making me lurch to a stop. “But it’s hard, Lils. Every time someone makes fun of you, or insults you, I get so upset, it’s hard to think.”

“Well, then maybe you should clear out your head.” I wasn’t really angry anymore, but I knew this would lead to something bad. Petunia would be livid when I went back to the house. 

“I’ll try. Is that better?” He started to lean closer and I found my mind going almost completely blank. A part of me was protesting vehemently, but a larger part was telling the other to shut the hell up.

Determined to keep the upper-hand, I gave him a quick kiss, then sent him off. James turned on the spot, and was gone. 

I trudged back to my house, thinking of everything that could possibly go wrong. Vernon could go on a mad rampage and sit on me. That was the worst case scenario. Petunia would ignore me as usual, or throw insults at me, most of them including ‘freak’ in some way, shape, or form. I didn’t want to take that, either. 

I threw open the door, saw Petunia and Vernon waiting for me, and called up the stairs, “Dad, I’m going to stay at Celina’s for the rest of break! Is that okay?”

“Sure, hon.”

The only problem was that I hadn’t ever been to Celina’s house. I’d seen a picture once of her house, a big white one with blue shutters. Would it be enough?

“Where are you going, Lillian?” Vernon asked me irately. “We have something to discuss, here!”

“Oh, please shut up, you supersized whale!” I screamed. I wasn’t sure if it was my irritation that I had bottled up for so long, or the memory that I hadn’t been able to defend myself in a while, but I lost my temper. “First, my name is Lily, as in the flower! It isn’t, and never has been, Lillian! Second, stop talking to me like you’re my father! You’re not, and it’s completely unwillingly that you are entering my family! And third, If you ever speak to me like that again, I’ll be forced to cut you off from all food, though that really could only help you!” 

Before either of them could respond, I turned, focusing on that pretty white house with blue shutters, just wanting to get away. I could Summon my trunk later.

I went through a few moment of being sucking into a tube, but the first thing I was aware of when I got out was a blinding pain in my left leg. I looked down and cursed.

I’d splinched myself. 

But I looked up, and sure enough, there was Celina’s house, gorgeous in every way, just like her. It wasn’t fancy, but it was elegant. Perfect. 

A loud bang interrupted the silence. The front door had opened, and the most stunning woman I had ever seen was rushing toward me. She was made even more beautiful because she was carrying a bag of medicines. 

Celina’s mother.

**A/N: How many of you thought at first that Death Eaters had attacked Lily's house? Really, be honest ;)** ****

It's a quick update, even though I thought it would take forever! 

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	19. Chapter Nineteen

**As Long as You're Mine**

_Chapter Nineteen_

_I need no permission, did I mention_  
Don't pay him any attention  
Cause you had your turn, now you're gonna learn  
What it really feels like to miss me. 

Beyonce, Single Ladies

__________________________________________________________

I just stared at her for the longest time. 

She was absolutely flawless, completely perfect in every way. Her creamy white skin didn’t have a single blemish, as though pimples didn’t dare, and never had, grow on her face. Her slim body was even more attractive than Celina’s, something I hadn’t seen in my entire life. And her hair! It was the same color as Celina’s, but it seemed to have more of a shine to it, flowing all the way down her back.

I was completely distracted from the pain in my leg, even as she started mending it. I simply kept gawking at her until she’d finished, straightening gracefully.

“May I ask who you are?” she said, her voice smoother than Celina’s.

“I-I’m Lily,” I stuttered, then mentally slapped myself for being to stupid. “I’m a friend of Celina’s. She said I could stay here for the rest of break.”

Mrs. Smith looked confused.

“I know it’s a little early, and that she was going to pick me up at my house, but…something came up.” I didn’t want to tell her that my family was completely mad. “So I just kind of Apparated to the first place I thought of, which was here. Obviously.” I felt so foolish. Mrs. Smith was looking at me like I was a newly escape mental patient, on the run from the asylum and the men in white coats.

“I know who you are, dear,” she said. I blinked. “I would recognize you anywhere! Celina has shown me so many pictures, and your hair is difficult to forget.” Ah, the hair was unforgettable. “I’m simply trying to figure out how you managed to splinch yourself so badly.”

“Oh, that.” My face reddened as I admitted why. “I, well I kind of had a lot on my mind. And I wasn’t really sure where you lived, I just knew from a picture what your house looked like.”

Mrs. Smith looked me up and down. “You should really get off that leg, at least until it fully heals. Come inside, and I’ll get Celina.”

I mumbled a thank you and followed, feeling comparatively hideous. 

The house wasn’t grand, as James’s was, but simple. It was a good size, big enough to hold Celina, her mother and father, and an older brother I’d never met because he’d graduated a year before I went to Hogwarts. There was a decent sized entry hall, with a family room attached. Beside it was the open door to the kitchen, and I assumed the small, closed door next to it was the bathroom. A staircase led upstairs, where I could only see a long hallway. Art covered every inch of space, giving the impression that the Smith’s really liked art.

“Celina!” Mrs. Smith called in a light, but firm, voice. “Lily’s here!”

“What?” I heard my friend shriek. I giggled a little to myself. Celina didn’t like surprises, much like myself. She appeared at the top of the staircase, then ran down. I was instantly reminded of those old movies when the leading lady decended, all eyes on her. Celina had always made me think of a movie star. “Lily!”

As soon as she was at the bottom, she sprinted over to me, hugging me tightly. I laughed more until I realized I’d have to save my oxygen—Celina loved hugging. 

She seemed to sense that her mother was watching with a bemused expression, and she let go. I filled my lungs and braced myself for the hug that would come in the next few minutes.

“Mum, I guess you’ve met Lily.” Celina looked from me to her mother. She was measuring my reaction to her mother’s beauty. I kept my face blank of anything but pure joy at getting away from my house. “My dad’s at work, but you’ll meet him later tonight. Where’s your stuff?”

“I left in a hurry,” I explained again. “Is it alright if I just Summon it later?”

“It’s fine!” Celina said enthusiastically, thrilled that I wasn’t acting like an idiot in front of her stunning mother. If only she’d seen me just minutes before….

“Celina, dear, why don’t you go up and show Lily were she’ll be staying.” Mrs. Smith headed into the kitchen. Clearly, I’d interrupted her cooking. “By the way, Happy Christmas, Lily.”

“Happy Christmas, Mrs. Smith!” I said, following Celina up the stairs and tripping twice. “Where am I sleeping?” 

“In the guest bedroom,” Celina said. “I figured you wouldn’t be too keen on sleeping on my floor, and I wasn’t about to give up my bed! But Mum went all out decorating it for you.” My heart melted a little. This woman who hardly knew me was being so kind! “You’re the first person I’ve ever had over to my house. But you can see why.”

“Why?” Was there any shame in having a fabulous mother?

“People would know we’re…” Celina thought. “Different.” She didn’t want to talk anymore about that subject, so I focused on the room that was now in front of me.

It was a good-sized room! The walls were a light blue, which made it very light, with a bed in the center. Potted plants lined the windowsill, all of them bright colors of blue—which seemed to be the room’s theme, considering the blue comforter on the bed, the blue drapes, the blue walls, and the blue carpet. A closet was on the far wall, just large enough to hold my Hogwarts trunk. A few blue hangers were already there, even though all my wrinkle-ables were already, well, wrinkled beyond belief. It was a nice room.

“Your mum really didn’t have to do all of this,” I whispered, feeling embarrassed at the attention.

“Oh, you did her a favor.” Celina sighed. “She used to be a decorator, but some complete bitch ruined her reputation by saying she ‘seduced’ her husband. Nobody in the Wizarding world will hire her anymore, so she’s stuck redecorating the house every few months. It’s been really hard for her.”

“That’s horrible!” I didn’t feel embarrassed anymore. If Mrs. Smith needed to decorate something, it might as well be my new room! 

“It’s been bad for me, too!” Celina insisted. “I can never find _anything_ , she moves it all so much! Every time she redoes my room, she goes in and turns the whole place upside down. She’s been driving me mad. It’s ridiculous when you can’t find your own knickers.”

Celina might’ve been complaining, but I could tell in her piercing, and also blue, eyes, she was very worried for her mother. I’d felt that before. I could empathize. Not knowing what would happen to someone who had been in your life so long, a constant figure, was terrible. Celina knew she could talk to me when she was ready to.

“I’m sure it has,” I laughed, rolling my eyes and keeping the conversation light for her. “This is fabulous. Thank you so much for taking me in like a little orphan. I might as well be an orphan!”

“Oh yeah!” Celina jumped on the bed and patted the area next to me. “I want to know what the hell happened with your family to make you come here a day early and completely unannounced. This is very un-Lily-ish. Should I be concerned?”

“I honestly don’t know.” My mind spun with everything that happened, and before I knew it, I was confessing everything to Celina. She pulled me into several other hugs, each one making me feel less angry and calmer. 

“And now the last family members I have left,” I concluded, “are marrying these horrid people I can’t even stand, and neither of them cares!” Celina nodded sympathetically.

“Honey, I know it hurts. You feel like they don’t even want to know how you feel about these marriages, and _you_ feel that you’ll hurt them by telling them—which you probably will. I’m so sorry.”

“But if they had just asked me, I think I’d feel better! At least then I’d know they both still value my opinion!”

“Lils, I’m pretty sure that either way they would still be getting married.” I stared into her eyes, trying to find why she’d said it. She seemed to know she’d upset me, because she added, “but not because they don’t care!”

“Then why?”

“Because these people you absolutely detest make Petunia and your dad happy.”

It was my original reason for keeping my mouth shut. Vernon and Pam made Petunia and Dad happy, they really did. No matter how much it killed me to admit it, Dad had been lonely every since Mum, and Petunia tried not to act it, but Vernon was like her support system. In some weird, twisted way, Vernon and Petunia were like James and me. 

I looked up at her, teary eyed. I hadn’t been able to cry in a while—I hadn’t let myself. Lily Evans didn’t cry when she was in pain, emotional or physical. It was a sign of weakness to all those who saw or heard it. But with Celina, I knew she wouldn’t think I as weak, or couldn’t take care of myself. 

“Some people, like you, can cope with something bad by just being themselves, trying to move on with life. It’s exactly what you did, Lily. You came back to school in Third Year and acted like nothing was wrong, you just wanted to put it all in your past. Most of the school doesn’t even know what happened. Your dad, and Petunia, are different. He was lonely without your mum, so he just tried to fill that void where she used to be with more women. He’s found one that can make him, not as happy, but happy enough.

“Petunia didn’t hide what she was feeling; I remember she sobbed enough to flood your whole house! But she didn’t go to you for help, she went to Vernon. And he was there for her, which is what _she_ needs. She needs another person who will always be there for her, and Vernon fits that category, no matter how rotund.” I laughed shakily.

“But why won’t she talk to me?” I demanded. “Why can’t she just…just put it all aside? I went through the same thing!”

“Yes, but it didn’t seem like it.” When I didn’t say anything, she continued, “You hid it all for the same reason you hide everything else: you want to be in control of your emotions. In fact, you want to be in control in general.”

“Great, so now I’m a control freak. That’s better.”

“It’s who you are, Lils, and it’s how you feel relaxed.”

Maybe Celina was right. I always felt better when I knew what was happening around me, or when I could control whatever happened. Surprises were the worst, something I couldn’t handle. Being in control of everything was comforting for me.

But could I always be in control?

*~~*

After Celina’s father and brother came home, I was absolutely sure she was, in fact, half veela. My reasons?

1.) Her father was completely hideous. I’d noticed that the really beautiful women, like Celina and her mother, didn’t want a man who was entirely focused on how immensely attractive they were. They wanted someone who respected their opinion, and it was clear that Mr. Smith did. He asked Mrs. Smith about her day, how she was, and he was genuinely interested in how she’d cooked the entire dinner. Who was interested by that kind of thing? Mr. Smith really loved her. He looked past all her beauty and didn’t treat her as a possession. Celina took after her mother.

2.) They were both unbelievably gorgeous. I’d only seen one true veela, and that was because Professor Rockster asked a friend of his to come into class, just so we could see one and know how potent they were—to men. Celina’s mother looked almost exactly like her, but with a more kindly face. Since Celina’s father was just a man, and the veela gene didn’t work on men, Celina wasn’t a full veela, therefore, she couldn’t make men do anything for her, and she wasn’t quite as beautiful as her mother.

3.) Her brother, even without the veela gene, was the most handsome man I’d ever seen. Sirius Black had nothing on Henry Smith. He wasn’t enchanting, as Celina and her mother were, just way too hot to be human. You could tell there was something in him that screamed ‘not normal’ for lack of better terms. He’d inherited most of his mother’s looks, with the exception of rather hairy hands. 

I felt that it would be rude to ask her, especially since I was staying at her house, and if she got angry and kicked me out, I’d have nowhere to go. But now, I knew why she didn’t bring friends home, why her father picked her up from the station. She didn’t want anybody to know. It was her secret, and while she hadn’t exactly trusted me with it, she had to know I’d read enough books to see the truth. 

Hey, my family had its quirks as well, who was I to judge?

So at the end of break, we packed our trunks and Apparated to King’s Cross. I’d been corresponding with James by owl, though my replies were somewhat snappish. I hadn’t really forgiven him for what he’d said on Christmas. 

But I did squeal when I saw him for the first time in over a week.

I was like one of those pathetic girlfriends who couldn’t stand to be away from their boyfriends for days at a time, and I was deeply ashamed for that. But I could wait until later to really feel the shame. I was much to busy with James to feel it then.

Celina laughed and rolled her eyes as we snogged, hugged, and snogged some more. Then I remembered we were in a very public place, and pushed him away, flushing. He chuckled, still thinking my aversion to PDA was silly. 

“I missed you,” he said into my ear, and for a moment I had a flashback to when Dad said almost the same exact thing a few weeks ago. I hadn’t even gotten a proper goodbye. 

“Missed you, too,” I said, but it came out as a grunt because I was trying to haul my trunk onto the train by then. He chuckled again, taking it from me and swinging it on the luggage rack. It was helpful to have such a strong boyfriend, but I could do it myself!

“That was very unnecessary,” I sniffed. James frowned.

“I was only helping.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Honestly! I know you could’ve done it, but I did it quicker!” He flashed me a smile, and my heart fluttered. “C’mon, chivalry’s not totally dead.”

I pushed him teasingly, grabbing him by the tie to get him off the platform and onto the train. 

We found Paige, Celina, Tiff, Sirius, Remus, and Peter waiting for us in a compartment. I couldn’t help but notice that on this train ride to Hogwarts, there was one less person to squeeze in. To help, Paige left to go sit with Josh, who she was _still_ dating—I was shocked. James and I took the floor, and everyone was able to fit relatively well. Tiff and Celina on one seat, Sirius, Remus, and Peter on another.

The compartment started talking amongst themselves, Celina and Remus discussing the advantages of Muggle undergrounds, while Tiff and Sirius started arguing. 

“I cannot believe you did that, Sirius Black!” Tiff eventually yelled at him. I was pretty sure I knew the topic.

“Why do you mention this now?”

“Because she’s not here to curse me!”

“I was only joking, Young!” Sirius bellowed. Tiff’s eyes narrowed, like mine did when I was very perturbed. “Sabrina knows that!”

Tiff snorted. “That girl wouldn’t know a joke if it went up her nose! I knew her for all of two hours, I know!”

“Merlin, Young, it’s like you don’t know me at all, mate!”

“Don’t you dare call me your ‘mate’!”

I laughed at the memory of Christmas lunch with the Potters. Everybody whirled around to look at me—they’d been paying close attention to the fight. Beneath me, James started laughing loudly, while Sirius gave me a ‘don’t-start-that’ look. I gave in, mostly because I didn’t want to bring up his and Celina’s break up. There was still an icy silence between them. 

“Sirius,” Tiff said, trying to be calm, like she usually was. “You can’t just go around asking other girls out _while_ you’re dating somebody else! Especially when that person is right next to you, and especially when she’s a Kiss!”

“What a stereotype.”

“Just please, promise me you won’t do it again?”

Sirius, disgruntled and thrown by Tiff’s suddenly kind behavior, nodded sullenly. And then he mumbled something I was sure was actually said by the tiny voice in my head, proving I’d gone mad.

“Excuse me?” I asked, staring in awe. “I didn’t quite catch that.”

“I’m *gulp* sorry.”

It was only in movies when I saw someone go through that much pain to apologize, but I’d just witnessed it in real life. I think I almost fainted out of pure shock. Sirius Black had never said sorry in my whole life, at least not in my presence. I looked over and saw Celina close to tears. Maybe he’d said it to her. 

“Somebody, please,” Peter said, looking equally surprised, “grab a calendar and mark the date!” Sirius smacked Peter in the head, but the damage was done. Tiff’s mouth was hanging open.

“Erm, Celina?” I saw that one small tear had leaked out. “I think we should go see Paige. Don’t you?”

At first, her expression was angry, like she wanted to shout at Sirius and Tiff for their exchange. Then, as she looked at me, it turned into gratitude. I wouldn’t let her be humiliated in front of our entire ‘group’. Celina nodded, and rose quietly. She was outside, waiting, by the time I’d hoisted myself off of James. I tripped in my eagerness to get her away. 

“Are you okay?” I asked, not specifying anything. 

“I’m fine,” she said shortly, but I couldn’t hold it against her. 

The entire time I’d been at her house, Celina had only mentioned Sirius once, and that was to call him a rather nasty name and say something about his mother. I didn’t ask, mostly because I didn’t want to know. If she told me some horrible story, I might’ve strangled Sirius the moment I saw him on the Hogwarts Express. I got the feeling she just wanted to forget the whole thing, and I would let her. It was best not to grow too attached to people like Sirius Black. 

She was upset, that much was evident. It didn’t show on her face until we entered Paige’s compartment, which she and Josh had gotten all to themselves. Paige and Josh were in the middle of a very close embrace, which made Celina cry out in frustration and slam the door closed. 

Paige and Josh jumped and sprang apart. They hadn’t noticed us go in.

“What the _hell_ ,” she yelled, “do you think you’re doing? We’re trying to snog, and you two come in here, unannounced, and then slam the door! What’s your problem?”

“It’s Celina, actually,” I said, my voice cutting. “She saw you two, and then she got upset. Don’t you have any feelings at all?”

Paige looked immediately ashamed. “Oh,” was all she said, understanding the situation. For once, Paige had picked up on a hint, however obvious. 

“I-I guess I’ll go talk to Celina,” Paige stuttered. She kissed Josh swiftly on the cheek and ran out the compartment door. I was left standing next to Josh, who looked extremely confused.

“I don’t want to pry or anything,” he said, looking at the floor, “but what was that?”

“Celina’s been having some, er, relationship problems. She gets upset really easily, she always did. A dead cat in a movie could bring her to tears.”

“Wow.”

“She’s a very gentle person.” I shrugged. I wasn’t sure how else to explain my best friend without revealing a few secrets I was sure she wanted kept. Like that she still wanted Sirius, or that every time she saw a couple together, it reminded her of how they used to be. I’d been so envious of that relationship, but now I found the some suspicion was good. You couldn’t truly trust a Marauder.

I left Josh in his compartment once Paige returned, telling me that Celina had returned to be with Tiff and Remus. I followed her there. 

When I returned, I saw Celina and Remus having a whispered conversation, Tiff trying to stay angry with Sirius—even though he’d apologized—and James discussing Quidditch tactics with Peter.

“I’m back,” I said, returning to his lap on the floor. “What’d I miss?”

“Celemus are having a jolly good time talking about things that we, the normal people, are not allowed to know.” James sounded quite bitter, but he let the subject drop, instead moving on to talk about how horrible the Chudley Cannons were doing. 

I thought for a few moments as they discussed a sport that absolutely terrified me. The Kiss sisters? Something was nagging at the back of my brain, making me go over conversations I’d had with anyone about the sisters. I cried out once I remembered.

“They’re gone!”

Everyone turned to look at me. For once, I didn’t care.

“What?” Peter asked, and everyone else began asking me the same thing. I smiled broadly, and Sirius asked if I’d just passed gas.

“No!” I wasn’t even bothered by the remark, a truly amazing thing. James raised his eyebrow in question. “They’re _gone_.”

“Who is?”

“THE KISS SISTERS!!!” I screamed gleefully, and began doing as much of a happy-dance as I could from the floor. Celina and Tiff joined me. Then we went outside, into the corridor, and started dancing. Real dancing. I hadn’t danced in ages!

We were laughing and falling over each other as we tried to dance on a moving train. Remus and James laughed with us, rather than at us, but Sirius seemed to be struck by a realization.

He could no longer use Sabrina to make Celina jealous, and Celina was positively beaming. 

**A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long. I proofread it about five million times, but it probably still has errors. Again sorry!** ****

And this story has reached _50_ reviews!!! That makes me very happy!!! 

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	20. Chapter Twenty

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Twenty_

_If I could turn back time,_  
I’ll go wherever you will go,  
If I could make you mine,  
I’ll go wherever you will go,  
I’ll go wherever you will go. 

The Calling, Wherever You Will Go

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“I think we should postpone the next Hogsmead weekend.” I spoke firmly, letting James know I wasn’t going to negotiate.

“What? I thought we’d decided on January, dream or no dream!” 

I’d been having the dream at weird intervals. Some nights I didn’t have it at all, but other nights it would repeat in my mind over and over, until I woke up screaming, and I always did. My friends always woke with me, Paige complaining at the early hour, Celina kindly soothing me, and Tiff looking concerned. Angela’s eyes were always on me, though she never said a word. I wondered if, maybe, I talked in my sleep. Would she hear me?

“But James, these trips aren’t supposed to be every month!” I insisted. I’d come up with a good argument this time. “They’re supposed to be rewards for the hard work students put in every few months! I just think it would be better if we made it on Valentine’s Day. People can go out with their significant other, and just enjoy the day.”

James had a hard time coming up with a reason not to go, so it was decided, by the end of our Head’s Meeting, that February 14 would be a better time. I smirked inwardly, happy at my victory.

We walked back to the Tower, and I decided to forget going all the way back to my dorm, only to come back down hours later because of one of my dreams, since I had several going on. I was _way_ too anxious. 

However, that night, sleeping in James’s arms, I was completely peaceful. I didn’t even form a coherent thought in my head the whole night. No dreams disturbed me, absolutely nothing. It was strange, but…good.

*~~*

“Where were you last night?”

I jumped in my seat, spilling pumpkin juice on Gryffindor table. It was early the next morning, the second week back at school. I turned to see Tiff standing behind me, looking murderous.

“What?”

“Where were you last night?” Tiff repeated. “You didn’t come back to the dorm and I was worried sick!”

“Relax,” Paige said from beside me in a bored voice. She picked at the nail polish on her bubblegum pink nails. “I came down this morning and saw her and James snuggling. It was _so_ cute. You should’ve seen it.”

“Paige, really, did we have to bring that out in the open?” I ripped my toast into pieces as the post owls came swooping in. I briefly wondered what bad news they’d bring today. 

James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus came into the Great Hall just as _The Daily Prophet_ landed in my lap. I paid the owl and opened it, dreading whatever was inside.

_Muggle Family of Four Attacked_

_On January the twentieth, thirteen dementors stormed a home in Surrey, England. They took the souls of four muggles, who at the time were eating dinner._ __

“This is only the beginning,” the Minister for Magic said at a recent press conference. “The dementors will keep going until they’re stopped. Aurors and Unspeakables from the Department of Mysteries are now working together to find any way of preventing dementor attacks on those who cannot perform magic.”

__

“We in the Muggle Protection Office request that if you, or any one in your family, live near any muggles, please do not hesitate to cast a Protection Charm around their home," says Artie Burke of the Muggle Protection Office. "This small act of kindness could save them.”

__

“What’s happened now?“ Celina asked, sitting down beside me. My face must’ve betrayed my emotions.

“A family’s been killed by dementors,” I said tonelessly. 

“But dementors don’t kill,” Peter corrected. I glared at him.

“Well they might as well!” Everyone turned to look at me. James, sitting across from me, looking immediately concerned. I took a few breaths, making sure my voice wouldn’t break when I spoke. “It also says that if you live in a Muggle populated area, you should put a Shield Charm around it to protect them.”

“That’s not going to help much,” Remus grumbled, and Celina nodded. 

“But it might help a bit,” Tiff said positively. I had to admire her optimism, though it was a little annoying. “We should all be doing whatever we can to reduce You-Know-Who’s threat.”

_“Don’t,”_ Sirius whispered through gritted teeth, “call him ‘You-Know-Who’. Call him by his proper name: Lord Voldemort.”

Tiff, Paige, and Celina flinched. I stared at them in disgust. James, Peter, and Remus continued to eat breakfast as if nothing had happened. My own friends were scared of Lord Voldemort’s name? Just his name? That was just stupid.

“I’d appreciate it if you called him ‘You-Know-Who’ around us, thanks,” Paige said snippily.

“No.”

Once again, all eyes were on me. I managed to avoid blushing, but Celina was looking right into my eyes with those piercing blue ones. It was hard.

“It’s juvenile to make up names for him,” I said, trying to sound sure of myself. “It’s not going to stop him from coming after you, it only makes you more fearful of him! We don’t need that right now.”

I could see the smirk on my boyfriend’s face before I even finished the sentence. Was he proud of me for standing up against my friends’ fears, or was I just being comical? James finally lifted up his head, and I knew instantly what that smile was made from.

Pride.

But Tiff’s anticipation at my sudden disappearance the previous night now made sense. I was a Muggleborn. Paige was most likely a Muggleborn. It was just sinking in that, while many people believed Hogwarts was a safe haven, Tiff had her doubts. So, even though she could’ve come up with a perfectly rational, and logical, explanation, she immediately assumed the worst because I was muggle born. 

And Angela was, too.

I got up abruptly from my seat, said I was going to Potions, and left the Great Hall quickly.

But instead of taking the route to the dungeons, I made my way up the large marble staircase that lead to Gryffindor Tower. Angela hadn’t been at breakfast. Why? Was she sick?

I heard running steps behind me, and I whirled around to see James, coming closer by the second.

“What are you doing?” I hissed. “Are you _following me?_ ”

“Now really, Evans,” James said exasperatedly, huffing and puffing for air, as he came up beside me. “If I _wanted_ to follow you, I could do it _much_ better than _that!_ I’m insulted.”

I turned and continued walking, trying to ignore him. I wasn’t really mad at _him_ , just upset that I couldn’t do what I’d wanted to. James easily fell into step next to me, slinging his arm across my shoulders casually. It was very difficult to pretend he wasn’t there.

“So, where are we going?”

“ _You_ aren’t going where _I’m_ going,” I said, trying not to smile. 

“And why not?”

“Because you’re _sneaky_.”

He sighed. “It’s true. You know, I’m actually a secret ninja; you don’t see me unless I want you to.” I laughed, forgetting that I was upset with him. 

“But really, Lils, where were you going?”

“I’m not telling.” His brow furrowed in concentration, but it relaxed almost instantly.

“Alright,” James said, too happily. “Then why don’t we continue with our little game of Truth or Dare?”

“Okay?” I couldn’t see the harm until I’d thought about it for more than a few seconds. “Wait! I-I just forgot that I have to, er--”

“Too late, Lilykins.” James smirked again. “Truth or Dare?”

I didn’t know what to do. The Dare would be so horrific, it would be worthy of a horror film. The Truth, however, would be gut-wrenching, and I wasn’t ready to spill my heart in front of James. I squeezed my eyes shut in anticipation.

“Dare,” I squeaked. James chuckled.

“You, Lily Evans, have to let me, James Potter the I--”

“Why ‘the I’?” I interrupted eagerly. “It’s not like anyone else is going to be names ‘James Potter’!”

“Why, of _course_ there are! Loads of little people. We’ll need to distinguish all the little James Potter’s!”

“Excuse me?” My voice went up an octave. He wasn’t really talking about _kids_.

“I suppose we can name a few Lily, but I want most of them to be James Potter II, III, IV, V, VI, etcetera, etcetera.” 

I was staring at James in disbelief. We’d been dating about three months, and he was already talking about our children?

And _none_ of them would be named ‘James’, I could tell you that much!

“If we, as a couple, have _any_ children at all,” I said, turning so that I could see the look of surprise pass over his face, “then they will most certainly not be named ‘James’. That’s like a certain death wish.”

“What’s wrong with my name?”

“For one thing, it’s much too…old. We’d want our children to be modern, right? I expect the new ‘it’ name will be Ziegfeld.”

“Oh no! Our children will not have a single ‘z’ in their names!”

“If we even have children, James. Don’t forget that I’m the one doing all the carrying. I may decide I don’t want a child.”

“But then you’d waste all your motherly talent!” I shook my head to signal that this ridiculous conversation was over. “Oh well. You’ll have time to think about it in Potions.”

I hadn’t noticed before, but James had turned me around and led me straight to the dungeons. With his arm around my shoulders, I hadn’t even noticed the cold. We were standing in the doorway to the Potions room.

“Come in, come in!” Professor Slughorn said briskly. Celina, Paige, Tiff, Sirius, Remus, and Peter all turned to stare at James and me. I blushed and looked down. We took a seat near the back, probably because James wanted to continue the ‘children’ conversation. Really, it wasn’t like we were going to get married! 

“Settle down, everyone, settle down!” The class grew quiet. “Alrightly then. Now, today we’re going to be making a Calming Drought.

“Due to your upcoming N.E.W.T. exams, Madame Pomfrey has been administering the Calming Drought several times a week. She is running very low, and I thought it would be a fun little exercise to have you all try it. It’s really quite simple.”

James snorted next to me. Potions was not his forte. 

“The list of ingredients is in your textbook, along with all the directions you’ll need. Feel free to add a little something extra, if you think it’ll help!”

I set to work. While I did like Charms quite a lot, Potions was possibly my favorite subject. I opened my copy of _Advanced Potion-Making_ and got out my potion-making supplies. I laughed after reading the directions. This would be so easy, I’d have time to help James after I’d finished.

I went and got my supplies, while James sat, trying to decipher the directions. He kept pushing his glasses up his nose, which made my head go a little blank. Just to help him out, I got his ingredients, too.

I settled down on my stool and started to measure ingredients. 

_Cut a quarter cup of ginger roots._

Easy. 

As I made my potion, I could see the people around me extraordinarily well. I could see Sirius as he continued to stare at Celina from the corner of his eye, spilling his caterpillar tails all over Peter. Peter had been staring at Clarice Kane, a very pretty Slytherin girl in our year. 

Remus and Celina were talking as they worked, laughing when Celina’s potion started bubbling hot pink. Paige and Tiff were focused entirely on their work, though Tiff kept glancing around the room, as if looking for anything that could go wrong. 

As I began stirring my potion clockwise, James poked me in the ribs. I jumped.

“What?”

“I need help.” It looked like it was killing James to ask for assistance, so I tried not to be snappy.

“What do you need?”

“I added the tails, but it didn’t turn clear!” James was acting flustered. I sighed.

“Did you weigh them before you put them in?” 

James blinked. “Was I supposed to?”

“Yes.” 

James cursed and began trying to fish all the tails out of his potion. I grabbed his hand before he could.

“The best way to fix this is to start over.” James groaned, but Vanished his potion.

A few minutes later—James’s potion was throwing off lime green sparks that, when touched, enflamed his robes—I was technically finished. I added a powdered dragon claw, but when I took a whiff, the potion smelled _awful_. It wouldn't be calming _anyone_ with that smell! Puzzled, I looked at the ingredients. There was nothing to add a pleasant smell.

So, I added a few rose petals and daisy roots. I took another whiff—this time much more carefully—and smiled. This Calming Drought was getting me an O.

I spent the rest of the allotted time helping James earn a healthy Acceptable for the day.

I looked around again as James cut his caterpillar tails again. Severus was the only other person done, and he wasn’t helping anybody. I could see him scribbling madly in his textbook, writing between the lines, and in the margins.

“Time is up! Put your finished product in a flask and bring it up!” Slughorn announced. I helped James put his potion in a flask and dragged him out of his seat. 

“You know, I couldn’t have done it without you,” James said, making me smile widely. I pulled him by the hand back to our seat, but as I passed Severus, I chanced a glance at what he was writing.

_Sectumsempra_

He’d just finished the ‘a’ as James and I passed, holding hands. His black eyes met mine, and I felt a small shudder. 

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

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**A/N: I’m so sorry about the lack of updates and that the chapter is so short! Check my bio for a full excuse that you may or may not accept!** ****

In case anybody was wondering, the big climax is coming REALLY soon. Like, in a few chapters. So leave a review and I might feel obligated to update quicker… 

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	21. Chapter Twenty-One

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Twenty-One_

_If you said I love you_  
Could you say the same?  
If you said I love you  
there's no more words I need to say 

_But if I said I need you_  
would you follow by?  
But if I said I need to  
find a way to win your heart 

_Scouts of St. Sebastian, In Love_

________________________________________________________________________

I celebrated my birthday on January 30. It was small, and I made sure no one gave me extravagant gifts, but James convinced the house-elves in the Kitchens to make me a cake. It was chocolate and thoroughly enjoyable.

February came, and the weather was going downhill. There were ice storms every other day, which meant that all Herbology classes were cancelled. Celina, the only one of us who took Care of Magical Creatures, didn’t have class either. Which meant we had at least one free period every day.

“What are you two doing?”� I demanded furiously. It was the middle of one of those free periods, and I was trying unsuccessfully to study for N.E.W.T’s.

“Well, Evans, you can plainly see that we are throwing balls around the room--”� 

Celina snorted, and I interrupted Sirius. “Yes, I can see what you’re _doing_! What any normal person would get out of my question is actually _why_ you are doing it?!”�

“Because we’re bored,”� Peter replied. I felt my teeth gnawing at my lip, so I shut my mouth completely.

Peter and Sirius hadn’t seen the need to study so ‘early’ into the season. It was only February, who cared if one exam was going to determine how successful–or not–you were in life!

So, Sirius and Peter had been throwing a Quaffle around the Common Room the entire time. James was watching with a grin, while Remus helped Celina and Tiff with Arithmancy translations. Paige was off with Josh, and I was trying so, so, _so_ hard to study for Transfiguration. 

I replied using my death-glare to convey my immense displeasure at this response, and turned back to my _Standard Book of Spells: Grade 7_. Sirius and Peter resumed their ‘game’ and began smashing it all around the room.

Five minutes later, I’d had enough.

“Okay, that’s it!”� I screamed, so fed up by their actions that I waved my wand and promptly Vanished the Quaffle. Sirius and Peter let out cries of protest, but I hushed them by turning my wand on them. “As Head Girl, a Prefect of two years, and your best friend’s girlfriend, I am confiscating the ball, giving you each two detentions, _and_ giving myself full permission to glare at you for the rest of the day!”�

Sirius and Peter shot James a frustrated look. 

“Mate, why is your girlfriend such a hard-ass?”� Sirius asked. I noticed now that Celina, Tiff, Remus, and James had been following the conversation like a Muggle tennis match, their heads turning to whoever was speaking, and then back whenever the other person put in a word.

I stared at James, waiting for him to jump up and yell at Sirius for saying such a thing. I waited for him to defend me, like he had for just about three years. I even waited for him to sock Sirius in the face for spreading such slander. 

But James chuckled.

“C’mon, Padfoot,”� he said casually, turning his eyes to the window. “Lily’s just trying to study. Give her a break.”�

“Give _me_ a break?”� I asked shrilly. “ _Me_? They are the ones throwing a ball around a room for amusement, when people are trying not to fail out of school! You _know_ how important this is to me, James! And just because he’s your best friend, you think it’s okay to let him _insult_ me?”�

“No, Lils, that’s not it!”�

“Yes, yes it is!”�

“FINE!”� James exploded. “IF YOU WANT ME TO PUNCH SIRIUS IN THE FACE FOR A STUPID COMMENT THEN I WILL! JUST TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!”�

“Merlin, James, you’re such a sarcastic beast!”�

“Er, I think we should all go,”� Celina said. 

“Oh, definitely.”�

“Let’s go.”�

“I concur.”�

“I’m already out.”�

And with that, all of our friends left the room, either going to their dorms or leaving the Common Room altogether. 

James and I were left. We were both in the correct angry-stance.

Male: Arms crossed, trying to look threatening/imposing. Flexed arm muscles, usually glaring at object of displeasure.

Female: Hands on hips, trying to look terrifying/gorgeous. Hands clenched and knuckles white, usually glaring at object of _immense_ displeasure. 

James and I were doing this spectacularly. We must’ve looked like we were in a movie, we were glaring and flexing so well! Unfortunately, this was real. Very real.

“What the hell is your problem, Lily?”� James demanded. My eyes narrowed.

“My problem, _James_ , is that while I’m trying to study, the things you call ‘friends’ are distracting me! You’re the Head Boy; you should be enforcing the rules, which clearly say that you aren’t supposed to be throwing balls around the Common Room!”�

“What am I supposed to do? They’re my best mates, I can’t give them a detention!”�

“Well that’s not all! Sirius insulted me, and as my boyfriend, you are supposed to defend me!”� Yeah, whatever happened to ‘chivalry’s not dead’?

“It was just a little thing--”�

“It’s always been a little thing! People calling me ‘Mudblood’ or people making fun of me, and you’ve _always_ defended me for that. But now, just because it’s your best mate--”�

“I don’t think you remember that time I punched Sirius in the face for saying something about you! He came to breakfast with a black eye, and he still won’t let me forget it!”�

“Then why didn’t you defend me this time?”�

“Because you were being unreasonable.”�

I gaped. My mouth was just hanging open. A fly could’ve flown in, and I wouldn’t have noticed a thing. 

_I_ was being unreasonable? Me? I was trying to help! If I let people get away with things because they were small, I wouldn’t be doing my duty as Head Girl, just like James wasn’t doing his as the Head Boy. My mouth closed, and I turned.

“Oh, c’mon Lils!”� James yelled after me as I stomped up the cold, stone steps. I marched into my dormitory and slammed the door shut. This time, I had nothing to apologize for, and I wasn’t going to. I wouldn’t run downstairs and beg for his forgiveness. I wouldn’t kiss him the moment I saw him. It was his turn.

*~~*

But we had to patrol together.

“Truth or Dare?”� he asked me suddenly the next day. 

I’d been doing so well at ignoring him. I’d stare at the wall I was walking next to, down at my feet, or even straight ahead. Anything to make it clear I was still maddeningly angry with him. 

But really, what was the harm in a stupid game? If necessary, I’d lie. Simple.

So I glared at him, and said, “Truth.”�

“Tell me what I have to do to get you to forgive me.”�

I snorted. “I don’t think so, you’re not getting off that easily. You should _know_ what you have to do.”�

“Lily, I’m a bloke. Blokes don’t know anything. You can attest to that.”�

For the first time since we’d fought (yes, a whole day) I looked James straight in the face. 

“Yes, boys are the stupidest species in the world–including ostriches. But asking me what you can do isn’t going to solve anything! I want you to know what to say. I don’t know why–it’s a girl thing–but I know it’ll make you see that it’s all I need from you.”�

James stared at his feet, maybe considering something. I couldn’t tell because his eyes were hidden by that amazing head of black hair. When he looked up, he looked right into my eyes. I felt a small tingle.

“I’m sorry.”�

It was a start.

“But why are you sorry?”�

He sighed. “You didn’t let me finish, Lils. I’m sorry, really, truly sorry, that I didn’t defend you. I guess I got too comfortable, or I thought you’d see it was a joke, like I did. It just didn’t seem like a big insult coming from Sirius. But I guess I can see why you’d think that. It’s a horrible thing for someone to say to another person.”�

We were coming toward the place I knew was Dumbledore’s office. James probably knew it, too, from all of his bad-ass days. With the exception of a few detentions, these were at an end. 

“And?”� The apology was almost perfect, and I could tell he meant it. I needed one more thing.

“And next time I’ll give Peter and Sirius detention--”� The rest of what James said was cut off by a bloodcurdling scream from the Headmaster’s office. We exchanged looks and ran to the gargoyles. 

“I don’t know the password!”� I exclaimed.

“Jelly Slugs!”� James said confidently. The gargoyles leapt away, and as James and I raced up the stairs, I looked at him, surprised. “What? You’re not a Marauder if you don’t know every password in Hogwarts!”�

We reached the Headmaster’s door and burst in without knocking. If he was being killed, I was sure he wouldn’t mind too much.

But instead of finding a bunch of Death Eaters, James and I saw Hannah Hilden sobbing into her hands on the floor. Professor Dumbledore attempted to comfort her.

“Miss Hilden, I assure you, they didn’t feel anything--”�

“My sister! What about my sister?”� Hannah shrieked. “She was six!”�

Oh Godric.

“Hannah?”� James called out tentatively, but Hannah kept crying, her sobs echoing in the large office, ringing and bouncing off the stone walls. “Professor, what’s happened?”�

“Just a moment, Mr. Potter.”� Professor Dumbledore pulled Hannah to her feet as Professor McGonagall came rushing in. “Minerva, I’d like you to take Miss Hilden to the Hospital Wing, have Poppy give her a Calming Draught.”�

“Of course.”� Professor McGonagall, in a rare display of affection, wrapped an arm around Hannah’s shoulders and help her walk out the door, and down the stairs. Dumbledore closed the door. 

“What’s happened?”� James repeated. “What’s wrong?”�

“Hannah’s immediate family was killed last night,”� he explained, pain in his eyes. I gasped. “Hannah Hilden is a Muggleborn. She believes it happened because she was involved with a pureblood, and the Death Eaters found out. I don’t think she is wrong, but she blames herself, which I cannot say is right.

“They used Killing Curses on her younger sister and parents. The Dark Mark was above their house when a neighbor saw it and notified the police, who then told the Ministry. It’s a dreadful affair. Hannah will have to live with her aunt because she is thirteen.”�

The Dark Mark, Voldemort’s mark.

I was at a loss for words, but James wasn’t. He let out a string of curse words, while Dumbledore simply nodded. When James had gotten his frustration at the Death Eaters out, he said, “That’s horrible.”�

“Yes,”� the Headmaster agreed. “And, for now, I would greatly appreciate it if you would keep this to yourselves. I believe Hannah wishes to tell people herself, though the school will most likely find the whole story in the paper tomorrow.”�

I finally spoke. “That poor girl. She’s only thirteen?”�

“Yes.”� 

“Is there anything we can do?”� I asked. I wanted to help.

“I’m afraid, for now, there is nothing we can do.”� I nodded, gesturing to James to stand up and follow me. We said goodbye to Professor Dumbledore and left. 

“That’s just so…awful,”� I said as we descended down the steps. “And her sister, she was so little! Did you hear her?”�

“Yeah,”� James grunted. “She was six.”�

I looked at him, puzzled by the tone of his voice. He was looking down at his hands, wringing them. He was nervous, but usually he’d run his hand through his hair. Why was he wringing his hands of all things? I grabbed his hand so he’d stop.

“Truth or Dare?”� I asked, trying to distract him from whatever was upsetting him. James cracked a crooked smile.

“Truth.”�

“Alright,”� I thought for a moment, feeling my teeth bite gently into my lip. I was learning to control pressure so that it wouldn’t bleed. “What did you tell Angela when you broke up with her?”�

His face fell almost instantly. His eyes narrowed and stared at me from behind his round glasses. 

“I’ve changed my mind.”�

“What? You can’t do that, it’s against the rules!”�

“Says who?”�

“Me!”�

“I want Dare.”� James was looking at me so fiercely, I flinched a little. “And if you don’t let me switch, I won’t play anymore, and then you’ll never hear another word pass through my lips, and then you’ll just die of unhappiness.”�

“Fine, you can switch. Anything to keep me from _dying_.”� I rolled my eyes, but I had a plan. “So now you’ve switched to Dare. By the way, you could have just lied.”�

“I won’t lie to you, Lily. That’s number one on the ‘how to lose a girlfriend in ten minutes’ list.”�

“Whatever. I Dare you to tell me what you told Angela when you broke up with her.”�

“What? No!”�

“Why? Why won’t you tell me?”� I glared, and it felt like I was doing it way too much. “Is it some secret that you’re keeping from me?”�

“It’s not a secret!”�

“Then why the hell won’t you tell me?”�

James pulled me into a nearby broom closet, and I let out a mortified shriek. Lily Evans never went anywhere _near_ broom closets unless it was to catch students making out after curfew! It simply wasn’t Lily Evans! And yet there I was.

“Look, Lils, it’s not that I don’t want to tell you,”� James said desperately. “I really do! It’d make me feel really good to tell you. I just don’t think you’re ready to hear it.”�

“James, believe me, I can handle anything.”� James shook his head and I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere. But he had played dirty for once, why couldn’t I?

“Do I have to force it out of you?”� I asked, moving closer. I tried to make my voice sound sexy and alluring, but I sounded like a dying cow. 

“Um, Lily?”� James put up his hands as I took another step. I was against him, and his breathing was speeding up. “Really, Lils, this is, er, out of character, and it would be great if I knew you weren’t just trying to get something from me.”�

“But you _want_ to tell me, right?”� My lips were coming closer, closer, closer, and his face was getting redder. My breathing wasn’t actually breathing. It was something ragged, different. It didn’t sound like me.

“I do,”� he whispered. “I really do.”�

“Then just tell me.”� I was perfecting my sexy voice, so I added a little cute innocence. Now I understood how Angela could get whatever she wanted. 

“I told her I couldn’t date her anymore because I was in love with you.”�

**TO BE CONTINUED…b >**

**________________________________________________________________________**

****A/N: I know a lot of you are going to say ‘Lily forgave James too easily’ and to that I reply: I couldn’t think of anything better. It’s pathetic and stupid, but oh well. I had to get to the good part.** **

****James dropped the L-Bomb…ooooohhhhhh….** **

****And that didn't take so long, did it? Just a week-ish. Reviews brighten my day and make me feel happy (even the bad ones) Really people, it takes about three seconds!!! (Sorry for the long author’s note).** **

********


	22. Chapter Twenty-Two

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Twenty-Two_

**The song is _Back to California_ by Sugarcult. Please review--no matter how much you hate it!**

_You could never let me in.  
Holding on until the end..._

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“What?”

I had a blank look on my face, I knew that. I was keeping all surprise, anger, basically all emotions inside of me. 

He’d said it before. In fact, James had told me he loved me on a daily basis for at least two years. He’d told me every five minutes, even. So why did it make any difference now? 

Was it because we were dating now? Then again, he’d told Angela he was _in_ love with me before we were even dating! There was a difference between _in_ love, and just plain love, I was sure. It had to mean more now, than when I was just a conquest. He had me now. 

“I’m in love with you, Lily.” He said it so seriously. I blinked several times, then poked him in the chest. “Ow! What was that?”

“I’m checking to make sure I’m not hallucinating.” And disappointed that I wasn’t. No, this was really happening. “James, I don’t think you actually mean that.”

Now it was his turn. “What? Why wouldn’t I mean that, I’m in love with you, Lils. I-I love you.”

“No, no, no, no, no. You don’t.” I was shaking my head, moving away from him. “It’s illogical, unreasonable, and physically impossible to feel true love at this age. We’re both way too young. What you’re feeling is a strong attachment to me, but definitely not love--”

“Who are you convincing, Lils? Me, or yourself?”

“Excuse me?” I demanded, my voice sharp. Of course I was convincing _him_. I was logical enough to know that love took years to form, if it formed at all! Dad and Pam weren’t in love, Celina and Sirius certainly hadn’t been in love. Yet, both pairs had said in often enough. Maybe I didn’t notice it then, but I could hear them in my head.

“No,” I said. “James, you’re not in love with me. Love, if it exists, is a passionate feeling that takes years to make. What you’re probably feeling is a close relationship to the only girl you’ve ever dated for more than two weeks. I’m sorry if you find it difficult to understand, but you aren’t in love with me. I’m not in love with you. Who knows if there even _is_ love!”

“How can you even say that?”

_Can’t do this anymore,  
Won’t feel you anymore…_

Nothing lasted. Relationships, lives, love. It all fell away eventually. Eternal love wasn’t real. It was like a fairytale—fiction. It was all fake. People’s eyes didn’t meet across a crowded room. My romance books had led me to believe that love was truly possible if you found the right person, but what even was love? Who was to say what it was, or how you felt it? Who said it was even real?

_We couldn’t win in the end..._

Maybe love didn’t exist at all. Maybe people put too much faith in the stories of Cinderella, or Sleeping Beauty. Maybe people believed in a lie. I didn’t anymore. Teenagers couldn’t feel love, and people who knew each other for a few months couldn’t feel it either. Sirius and Celina, Dad and Pam, they’d all made a mistake when they said those words, ‘I love you’. 

“You know it,” James told me desperately. I looked into his eyes and didn’t feel what authors had written about for years. Jane Austen and Margaret Mitchell had described a feeling they probably had never felt. No one really felt it.

“No, James. I know that we should start seeing other people.” 

He started laughing. “C’mon, Lils. You can’t be serious.”

“What, you think that because the last few times we’ve fought and I’ve threatened to break up with you I’m not serious this time? I am, James. Dead serious. This is way more complicated than I thought it would be.”

_We couldn’t win in the end…_

“So what? It gets harder and you just back out? You don’t mean that.” His voice got a little higher. It was easy to see that he was losing faith in his battle. “That’s not what you want to do, you don’t mean it.”

“You don’t know what I want! I mean it! We’re teenagers, James! You’re still seventeen! You can’t possibly mean it when you say ‘I love you’ and I’m not going to say it back!”

_We couldn’t win in the end…_

“See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you!” he yelled at me. “I knew you’d overact, Lily. It doesn’t matter if you can’t say it back, you’ll be able to in a few months, guaranteed.”

“There’s no guarantee! We can’t control this, it’s completely out of our hands--,”

“Exactly!”

“--which is why I know I’m doing the right thing when I say I’m not your girlfriend anymore.”

The eyes just started at me blankly. We’d only just made up, why did he have to ruin it? But if those were his ‘feelings’ then it was better not to pretend like there was the slightest chance I’d ever return those feelings. I was doing him a favor.

So I walked past him to one of the many staircases. I tried not to run as I ascended, but it—like so many other things—was out of my control. So was the lone tear that escaped while I was in view. 

_You’re gone._


	23. Chapter Twenty-Three

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Twenty-Three_

_Things get damaged_  
Things get broken  
I thought we'd manage  
But words left unspoken  
Left us so brittle  
There was so little left to give 

Angels with silver wings  
Shouldn't know suffering  
I wish I could take the pain for you.

Depeche Mode, Precious

_______________________________________________________________________________

Celina, Paige, and Tiff sat on my bed three hours later. We’d drawn the curtains and put a Silencing spell around my bed in case Angela was faking sleep. I didn’t want to make her feel alienated, but this was something I _didn’t_ want her to hear.

“He won’t want anything to do with me,” I said sadly, “but I know I did the right thing. I mean, we always joked around about kids and stuff, but serious love?”

“I know, sweetie,” Tiff said, pulling me into a hug. “And I completely understand your thinking on the subject of teenage love, but don’t you think you were a little, I don’t know…”

“Harsh?” Paige suggested. Tiff nodded. “Lils, you were a little mean about the whole thing—and that’s coming from _me_.” Celina pushed her a little.

“Lily wasn’t harsh,” she insisted. “She was just being honest with him. If she lied about any of this, she might’ve led James to think she really was in love with him, which she believes she isn’t.”

“What do you mean, ‘believes’!” I shrieked. “I’m not, I can’t be! I’m eighteen, and he’s still seventeen! It’s physically impossible to feel love at this age.”

“Calm down. I don’t understand,” Celina said. “I loved Sirius. He loved me. We both truly believed we were in love. You can feel love at any age.”

“I don’t know,” Tiff put in. “I’m leaning toward Lily’s side on this one.”

“I’m totally in agreement with Celina,” Paige offered. “Love is different for everybody. People might try to put it into words, but it can’t be explained if it’s true love. That’s my theory anyway.” Paige started going a little red.

“What?” I asked suspiciously. “Why are you blushing?”

“I told Josh I loved him.”

“You did?” Celina exclaimed, shocked. Then she squealed excitedly. “Brilliant! Everyone here is having a major love-life issue!”

“What makes you think this is an issue?” Paige demanded. “Don’t you think I’m loveable?”

“Of course Paige, it’s just that we’re discussing love problems right now, so I simply assumed--”

“Don’t assume anything! Because I am cute and adorable and gorgeous according to my steady boyfriend! Can any of you say that?”

We were silent.

“Yeah. I am so freaking loveable!”

“Not right now,” Celina mumbled, though she made sure it was quiet enough that only I heard. Any other night I would’ve laughed at our current predicament. That night, I needed advice from my friends.

“Moving on to a topic that is just a smidge more important than how freaking loveable Paige is, do you guys think I did the right thing?”

“Lils, I think you did the right thing _for you_ ,” Tiff said, hugging me again. “Maybe it’s not the same thing as ‘the right thing’ but it’s only right if you believe it is—which you do…don’t you?”

“That’s the thing! I’m usually so sure about everything I do, but ever since I started even liking James, I’ve been, I don’t know, off. It’s like I can’t trust myself anymore.”

“This is easy,” Paige said in her psychiatrist voice. “You’ve become dependant on James’s opinions and thoughts. You’re finally dependant.”

“Well I hate it.”

“You’re not supposed to like it,” Celina said. “You’re a very independent person by nature. But when you find someone you feel dependant on, that’s special. See, this goes along with my whole ‘love exists’ thing.”

“If I’m so independent, why do I feel dependant on James?”

“You love him.”

“Not true.” I frowned at her, making sure to convey my displeasure at her statement clearly. “Love—if it exists—must take years to form properly.”

“You’re acting like this is an equation,” Tiff said. And she’d said she was on my side.

“Typically,” Paige intervened, “people tend to think of love and relationships as equations. Man + Woman = Love. It very common.”

“But Lily is far from common,” Tiff said. “In fact, she’s a little strange.”

“Stop talking about me like I’m not here!”

“You’ve got a point,” Celina added. “She can be a little abnormal.”

“The way she looks is different, too.”

“That’s it!” I yelled. “Off my bed and into your own! If you’re going to be annoying and not even help me, I don’t want you on my bed.”

Celina and Paige grumbled, but left. Tiff put a hand on my arm.

“If you’ve done the right thing for you, you’ll know.” With those words, she departed for her own bed. 

I took off the Silencing Spell and lay down. I kept my curtain drawn, even though most of the girls in the dorm kept their beds open to circulate air. 

For once, I didn’t have The Dream, or The Other Dream. That night, I had a different nightmare, but in many ways it was more terrifying than the ones that had come before it. 

_A dark room. Why was I here? Somebody groaned and I felt my dream-body shake._ __

Next to me sat James. He seemed angry, but at the same time he was sad, even depressed. I felt around for my wand, hoping I would be able to see him better, but all I felt was cold ground. Why didn’t I have my wand?

_A man wearing a dark cloak appeared in front of me._ He _had a wand, why couldn’t I?_ _Suddenly, the man was throwing spells, anything he could think of. It felt like each curse was coming at me, meant for_ me _, but every time the man threw a curse, I moved farther away. With every curse, I saw with weak eyes that James was in front of me._ __

Through the dim light, I saw a door form in midair. Now, every curse moved me closer to the door, farther from the man and James. With every curse that James received, I felt my dream-self flinch, as if whatever happened to James was happening to me. We moved again, and this time I was in front of the door. I wrenched it open.

__

More curses, and I found myself straddling the doorway; one foot in, and one foot ready to carry my body away, to run.

__

James turned to look at me as the man raised his wand again. The hazel eyes I met were pleading, but not for help. He wanted me to leave, to be safe. 

__

I fled.

__

“Lily! Lily, wake up!” 

My eyes flew open. Standing above me was Paige, her eyes looking strangely worried. 

“What’s wrong?”

“You threw a pillow at my head while I was sleeping,” Paige said. “Which, strangely enough, woke me rather suddenly, and now I’m very pissed off at you.”

“But my curtains were closed!”

“You must’ve opened them during the night, then, because they were open when the pillow came rocketing at my head.”

“It’s a pillow, Paige, not a grenade.”

Paige dismissed my statement with a wave of her hand. “What was your dream about?”

“Dream?” I asked, trying desperately to feign stupidity. “I didn’t have a dream.”

“You’re a rotten liar,” Paige told me, glaring through squinted eyes. “And I heard you thrashing about in your bed. Please, just tell me—and don’t try to feed me another angry cucumber lie. I’m not an idiot, you know.”

So she knew that my previous dreams had been lies. Well, that was just unfortunate. For some reason, I felt that maybe Paige was the person I needed to talk to at that moment, not Tiff or Celina. Therefore for the second time that night I put a Silencing Spell around my bed, and I told her. Everything. 

She nodded through the entire thing. She didn’t interrupt like I thought she might’ve. The only thing she did was write on that ridiculous clip board, her quill moving furiously to take down every word of my interpretation. 

“Well, you can go back to bed now,” Paige said, beginning to rise from my bed.

“What?” I demanded, pulling her back down by the arm. “Aren’t you going to explain my weird way of thinking?”

“I could…if you asked.”

“Why do I have to ask?”

“Because it makes me feel good and boosts my ego.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” I sighed, “but can you please interpret my dream for me?”

Paige smiled. “Gladly. Starting from the beginning, then?” I nodded. 

“The dream starts out with you and James sitting in a dark room without wands. Being without wands can mean that you feel helpless, and a dark room could imply that you feel in the dark about something, or you don’t understand something. The fact that James was taking the spells for you might show his love for you, or it could mean he’s taking the worst blow from your breakup. The door appearing shows your options—staying with James or leaving. You straddling the line symbolizes your indecision, because in your subconscious you’re not sure you did the right thing by breaking it off. And you leaving James there in pain represents your decision to stop seeing him, which must’ve hurt James a lot.” 

I looked at her in awe. How could she get so much from a few minutes? I had to face it: I needed Paige. Just like I needed Celina for her care, and Tiff for her kindness, I needed Paige for her understanding. Merlin, I loved them all.

“Face it, Lils,” she said, making me think I might not feel the love soon. “Your subconscious is telling you that you made the wrong decision.”

The love was gone.

“I believe that is between me and my screwed-up brain,” I snapped. I felt guilty immediately afterward and pulled Paige into a rare hug. We weren’t the type of friends that hugged often. We’d always been the type of friends who could say anything to the other, and we wouldn’t care in the least. 

“Thank you,” I whispered to her, making sure my gratitude at her attempt to help was noticed. 

“Hey,” she said uncomfortably. “What are friends for?”

I quickly released her, ushering her back to her own bed. She fell asleep within minutes, and I was safe.

I put on my dressing gown and slippers, padding lightly down the stone steps to peek around the Common Room. 

There he was, sitting where we’d been sitting every night for the past four months. I could see the firelight still dancing in the glass that covered his wonderful eyes. Something in the pit of my stomach moved. I felt a sudden longing to run into his arms and let him hold me. To fall asleep there. 

I ran back up the steps as quietly as possible when I saw the hope behind the glasses. 

*~~*

Mercifully, my friends decided to sleep in for once, and I took a seat at the opposite end of the Gryffindor table. I was as far away as we could possibly get from the Marauders. Unfortunately, this meant that I not only had to walk to the last table with all the critical stares, I had to walk to the other end of said table listening to the accusatory whispers.

“I heard she slept with Severus Snape,” Rachel Thaddit, the horrible witch, was whispering to that curly-haired friend. “I saw them in the library together when she and James were first going out. I bet they fought about it last night and he broke up with her.”

“I heard that James was cheating with _Celina!”_ the curly-haired nightmare said back. “But really, who can blame him when _she’s_ charming you. She’s worse than a witch, she’s a--”

At this point, I reached my seat, feeling that the day really couldn’t get any worse or better. 

“Do you know how mad I am?” a voice I hadn’t heard in months said, sitting down beside me. I stared blankly.

“Ask me how mad I am.”

“How mad are you, Angela?”

“Really mad, like, superhero mad.” Angela swung her long blonde hair out of her face, slapping some poor boy. I blinked. “Ask me why.”

“Why are you mad, Angela?”

“You’ve gone and broken up with James, and I think it’s all my fault.” My mouth dropped. Celina and Paige took seats, looked around, and got back up again. They were halfway to the doors when Paige turned around and sprinted back to the table. She grabbed some toast while Celina rolled her eyes, then ran back to meet her. I had to admit to myself, I was a little frightened of being alone with Angela. At least Tiff hadn’t come down yet.

“Why do you think it’s your fault?” I asked suspiciously. Had she done some kind of unknown spell that made me doubtful of James?

“I wouldn’t be friends with you when you were with James.”

Wow, I was paranoid. 

Angela looked very confused when I didn’t say ‘yes, it was all your fault, you horrible hag’. Well, she could join the party, because I couldn’t think of what might make her talk to me about my breakup with James unless she just wanted to rub it in.

“Which was very pratty of you,” I said. Was ‘pratty’ a word? “But that didn’t contribute to the whole breaking-up situation. I mean, it made me guilty for a few days, but then I got over it.”

“No, I think it did.” Angela began absently playing with a strand of hair. “You have every right to call me ‘pratty’ whether it is or isn’t a word--”

“Hell yeah, I do!”

“But I just want you to hear me out.” Angela looked at me seriously. “I was so…angry with myself. Maybe at the time I thought it was all your fault, but it was all me. I was basically setting myself up for hurt. I was just so excited to have James as my boyfriend. I felt, like, triumphant. You always said I could get men to do things for me at the drop of a pin--”

“Hat.”

“What?”

“The drop of a hat,” I said. Maybe I was correcting her to make her pissed, but it was just a reflex. “The phrases are ‘at the drop of a hat’ and ‘so quiet, you could hear the drop of a pin’ or something like that.”

“Sure. I never really thought that what you said was true, but just getting James seemed like proof to me. He was _always_ in love with you, Lily. The only person who didn’t know it was you. It sounds trite and cliché, but it’s true! I felt like, if James wanted me, I could fulfill my lifelong dream of snogging him senseless. I think I deluded myself into thinking that instead of loving you, he loved me. But when he broke up with me, he said the words I already knew. I felt…inferior to you. I wasn’t good enough for him. So I tried to get you to breakup with him.”

“Angela, this wasn’t your fault.” I didn’t want to go on, but Angela’s big grey eyes were imploring. “He _told_ me that he was in love with me. I made him tell me what he told you when he broke up with you.”

Angela’s eyebrows shot up, and her eyes got even wider, if possible. “Then why would you break up with him? If he told you that he was in love with you, that would be the best thing ever!”

“Maybe for you, Ang, but I know for certain that it’s not real! Love is something that takes years to form, not months! It’s a powerful emotion that--”

“Save me the speech, Lils. I want details.”

“No offense, but I’m not so sure I want to forgive you at this moment. You were with the Kiss sisters, Angela, and I’m thinking that the only reason you’re even talking to me right now is because they’re gone, and you’ve got no one else to talk to now.”

“No, Lily, that’s not it.”

“Just…give me time to think, please.” I got up and left, taking a blueberry muffin with me. I wanted to think. I didn’t want to go to Potions, then go to Defense Against the Dark Arts, and I most definitely didn’t want to go to History of Magic, where I had only three ways to pass the time.

1) Fall asleep—not very Lily-ish  
2) Listen as best as I could for five minutes, then fall asleep—more like Lily  
3) Think about my horribly screwed up life—the most like Lily, lately anyway.

I didn’t want to wallow in self-pity over said screwed up life, but when you thought about it, you just had to feel badly.

My dad was marrying a tart he’d known for two months, and my sister was marrying a human garbage disposal who could never make her truly happy. My former friend was now seeking reconciliation I wasn’t sure I should give, one of my best friends was still crying at night because of a broken relationship, and another one was slowly being driven psychotic by her clipboard. Not to mention the best relationship I’d had in my entire life was ruined because he’d said what every other girl on the goddamn planet, but me, wanted to hear. 

Merlin, I could feel my heart speeding up. Pounding in my ears, thumping against my chest. I felt nauseas, like my stomach was ready to hurl up the little I’d actually eaten for breakfast. I threw the muffin in my hand into the nearest bin I could find, then sprinted to the Hospital Wing.

**A/N: So Angela's back! I also wanted to give a little insight on Paige, since she's one of the lesser mentioned Girls.** ****

This kind of took a long time, but I was trying to organize my thoughts for most of it. So far, it's looking like there are two more chapters until the big climax, and then five until the end. But that's only for right now...

****

I'm not sure about this one, maybe it was a little rushed or crammed, but it's not my worst. Please make me smile and drop a review! 

****


	24. Chapter Twenty-Four

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Twenty-Four_

“Were you having a panic attack?”� Madam Pomfrey asked me for the third time. “Because your exams are coming up, and I’ve had ten people in just this week!”�

“No,”� I said shortly. I was a little upset over puking the little breakfast I’d actually eaten. “My life is a little complicated right now! My friends are being weird, my dad’s being an idiot, and my ex-boyfriend is really sad because I broke up with him. Plus I--oh Merlin! You’re right! The N.E.W.T’s are coming up and I’m missing what might be the most important Potions lesson of my life!”�

I started breathing strangely at the point, gasping, feeling my empty stomach roll. Madam Pomfrey took one look at me and nodded.

“Panic attack,”� she confirmed to herself. I pouted while she handed me a bottle filled with a clear liquid I recognized. “I’m going to give you a bottle of Calming Drought. One to three sips should be enough, but if you don’t feel any better–you’re still vomiting, or you’re having trouble breathing again--”�

“–tale another two sips. The effects last for three hours at most, so don’t take more than five sips within three hours, or I will get the sensation I’m totally wasted.”�

“Miss Evans,”� said Madam Pomfrey, looking torn between annoyance and awe, “Have you ever considered a job in the field of medicine?”�

“Healer, actually.”�

“Then I strongly encourage you to carry on with that ambition.”� It was rare for the school nurse to compliment a student, and she hurried away before I could thank her for the praise.

For the first time, I felt like a true freak, taking the first three sips of the Calming Drought outside the doorway to the Hospital Wing. What was wrong with me? I started walking toward the Potions room, when I hit another person head first.

“Oh! I’m so sorry!”� I said as I scrambled to help a Ravenclaw Seventh Year pick up his books. “I’m a little out of it today.”�

The boy laughed. “No, it’s fine. I wasn’t looking where I was going.”�

I handed him an Arithmancy paper that looked to be longer than my own–an amazing feat. “You take Arithmancy?”�

“Yeah,”� he said a bit sheepishly. “It’s one of my favorite subjects.”�

“I know what you mean,”� I said, nodding. “I don’t really understand why people think it’s so hard. Most of the translations are actually very simple.”�

“Once you get the hang of it,”� he agreed. “I’m Jared.”�

“Lily.”� He looked surprised.

“Lily Evans? As in James’s Lily?”�

I felt the blush creeping into my cheeks as I said, “Not anymore. I’m just Lily now.”�

“Right.”� There was a silence. I was about to tell him goodbye, when he asked, “Would you come to Hogsmead with me?”�

Almost instantly, my brain started thinking of reasons not to go. “You know, I’m not sure there even is one this month, and I just got out of a relationship. Not to mention, you’ve only known me for about a minute.”�

“Well,”� Jared said, “I just thought that since you’re single now, and there _is_ a trip this weekend–tomorrow, actually–for Valentine’s Day, you might want to just, I don’t know, hang out.”�

_What have you got to lose?_ part of me was asking. _He’s cute, obviously smart, since he’s in Ravenclaw, and he’s into the same things as you are!_

A more sensible voice said: _You’ve been single for maybe a day, Lily! Do you even know how much this would hurt James? Be smart, this kid is almost a complete stranger to you! It’s too much of a risk._

_“James’s Lily?”�_

But maybe what I needed was a risk. I wasn’t ‘his’ Lily anymore, I was my own person! I didn’t need to feel guilty about seeing someone a few hours after breaking it off with James. He probably had a new girlfriend already, why look like a fool? Jared seemed more like my type than James ever had. It was just a date.

“Why not?”� I asked, maybe more to myself than Jared. “Can you meet me at Entrance Hall at nine?”�

“Sure!”� Merlin, the boy looked ready to pee his pants. “Um, thank you for accepting! I’ll meet you then!”�

I smiled kindly, and walked quickly past him. I could feel my breath shortening. What had I gotten myself into? This would kill James! 

_No_ , the risk-craving part of me shouted. _James will probably have a date to Hogsmead by now! He’ll be sucking face by the third bell!_

I chugged some more potion.

*~~*

“You what!?”� Celina exploded, making the entire dungeon turn to look at us. I smiled in a ‘turn around and act like you’ve seen nothing’ manner. 

“Not so loud! Do you want people in Jamaica to hear?”�

“How could you do it, Lils?”� Celina’s eyes were wide with shock. “And how long have you even known this boy?”�

“Technically speaking,”� I said, hedging around the question. “I–and everyone here–have known him for seven years.”�

“Fine. How long have you been exchanging words in a conversation-like manner?”�

“A few hours.”� I got up to get crushed unicorn horn, sneaking another sip of my Calming Drought. It wasn’t helping me at all. 

Celina followed me.

“Whatever happened to developing a friendship before a date?”� she asked. “I thought that friendship and trust meant something to you!”�

“Well that sort of thinking hasn’t gotten me very far, now has it?”� Celina just stared at me, so I elaborated. 

“Paige, despite her violent tendencies, has had at least fifteen boyfriends since the beginning of Third Year, Tiff has had over twenty, and don’t even get me started on you, Celina. I mean, let’s face it: if I’m not looking for love, why not have some fun? He said so himself, it’s just to hang out.”�

“Lily, what have you been smoking?”� Celina demanded. At that moment I felt a strange sensation come over me. My vision started blurring. 

“Dahhhling,”� I slurred. “It isn’t a question of what I’ve been smoking.”� I started laughing as I noticed that Celina’s face was coming in and out of focus. I tried to walk back to my seat, but I tripped over my feet.

“Are you okay?”� Celina asked as she attempted to haul me to my feet. I had never noticed how cold the stone floor was. It was actually very refreshing. “Lily?”�

“No!”� I yelled, not noticing the people that were staring. “I’m not! I think I’ve got to pee!”� I immediately started giggling.

“Merlin, Lils,”� Celina said, all four of her eyes staring at me in amazement. “Are-are you _drunk?_ ”�

“I AM NOT--”�

Celina grabbed me by the arm, jerking me around and stopping me midsentence. After that, I couldn’t remember a thing.

*~~*

I opened my eyes hours later, my head pounding. I groaned.

“Oh, so you’re awake now?”� a curt voice asked loudly.

“Don’t yell,”� I mumbled, trying to take in my surroundings. How had I gotten to the Hospital Wing? I mean, the bed was comfortable, but didn’t recall walking there. Nor did I recollect being anywhere _near_ the Hospital Wing. The last thing in my memory was telling Celina that I was going on a date with some kid named Jared.

Merlin, what had I done?

“Celina?”� I asked, turning my head ever so slightly, and wincing with the pain. “Please tell me that I didn’t say I’d go to Hogsmead with some random stranger? Please, please, please, please, please tell me that.”�

“I’d be lying, Lils,”� Celina said with a sigh. “What the hell were you thinking?”�

“I was thinking I didn’t want to be ‘James’ Lily’ anymore.”�

Celina stared. “Is that what this is about? You want to branch out?”�

“No, Lina. This is about everyone calling me ‘James’ Lily’ for the _rest of my life_! I’m not his anymore. I suppose I went a little far in proving it, didn’t I?”�

“I’d say so.”� There was a slightly awkward pause. “You know, most people overdose on drugs, or alcohol, but you? You overdose on a _Calming Drought_.”�

I laughed a little. “Since when have I been normal?”�

“True. Well, Madame Pomfrey said that you could leave as soon as you woke up, but I’m to confiscate your flask of doom.”� I groaned.

“Take it! And if you ever see me with it again, jinx me until I’m put to rights, because I am _never_ drinking it again.”�

As I got up from the bed, my head started to ache and throb. There was a dull pounding in the back of my head. I almost turned around the whisper for a remedy, but I figured I deserved it. And if it got too bad, I could just brew something myself.

Celina helped me walk out, keeping my arm across her shoulders, and resting my head against her. I loved her. I loved all my friends. 

Soon, I wished I’d stayed in the Hospital Wing. Standing–or rather, pacing–in the corridor right outside the Hospital Wing was James. The moment Celina saw him, she removed me from her side and sprinted away. If she thought I wanted privacy, she thought wrong. It was the last thing on earth that I wanted. I turned and started walking the other way.

“Lils!”� he called after me. “Lils, c’mon! Can’t we just talk about this?”�

I whirled to face him.

“What do you want me to say, James?”� My voice was breaking, a lump forming in my throat. “Huh? Do you want me to lie to you? Maybe I could jump into your arms like a fucking fairy-tale princess? Just to make you happy!”�

“That’s not what I want, and you know it.”� He was being so calm, tranquility rang from his voice with every word. I, however, was on the brink of murder. I found myself thinking what I’d thought earlier in the year. 

_Why can’t he just leave me alone?_

“Please, listen to me--”�

“No, James! I told you that I didn’t feel the same way so that you wouldn’t be wasting your time with me. Find a girl who can love you back, because I sure as hell can’t! I’ll go out with Jared, and you…you find someone else!”�

“Don’t,”� James whispered. I heard the crack in his voice as he threw his serene feelings to the ground, letting his anxiety show through. “Just please, don’t go out with Sykes.”�

Was that Jared’s last name? Hm. 

“I’ll leave you alone, whatever you want. I’m begging you, don’t go out with him.”�

“So I look like an idiot when you have ten girls clawing their way to you, hanging on your arm? I don’t think so.”�

“Lily, I haven’t even thought of another girl since you and I started dating. That’s the honest truth. And I don’t care if you can’t love me back, I think there’s a huge chance that you could learn to in the end--”�

“But what if that never comes? W-what if we keep telling ourselves that it will, but by the time we realize that it won’t, it’s too late?”�

“It would never be too late. I’d wait until the end for you.”�

My breath left my body. My head started pounding harder, my brain was whirring. It was like I couldn’t draw a breath for the life of me. Everything was altering around me. Everything was moving…shifting…changing….

“I can’t deal with this right now,”� I said. James nodded, turning his back in defeat. I went the long way back to Gryffindor Common Room, hoping desperately that he’d already returned to his dormitory. He had, and I went to mine without another thought. I collapsed into my bed almost immediately.

“Lily?”� a soft voice called tentatively. Tiff was the person I needed.

“Oh, Tiff!”� I tried to get out of bed, but she pushed me back down. 

“Look, we’re all really worried about you. I think you’re the first person in the world to overdose on Calming Drought.”�

*~~*

I woke the next morning feeling relatively happy. Then I saw the roses by my bed, and groaned. No matter how romantic people thought they were, I found roses trite and uncreative. Not to mention the roses were wilting as I looked at them.

The card said “To my beautiful Lily, from Jared”�

Ug.

Why was I even going out with this boy? If he wasn’t imaginative to get anything but half-dead roses, could I last a whole day?

I sighed and reluctantly pulled myself out of bed.

The moment I entered the Great Hall, a small Second Year jumped in front of me. 

“Lily?”� he asked. I nodded conformation. “These are for you.”�

“From who?”�

“I’m not supposed to say.”� The kid handed me a single flower, and ran off.

A petunia. Was Jared romantic after all? I read the card.

_Lily,_

_I know you’re still mad at me, but I wanted to give you something that would actually mean something, not just corny roses. These flowers are dipped in an Everlasting Elixir that I made myself (shocking right?) with limited assistance from Remus. Now you’ll always have Petunia with you…in some way._

_Love,  
James_

Merlin, why did he have to do this? I thought of the roses in my room, dying with every moment. They were fleeting; they’d be gone soon, and eventually forgotten. The lone flower I held in my hand now would last forever. 

How badly had I screwed things up?

 

**A/N: I've been very iffy on the recent chapters, but they're necessary for the whole plot, so I guess if you don't like them, you only have to wait about one more chapter for better :)**

**Leave a review!!!**


	25. Chapter Twenty-Five

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Twenty-Five_

_He can’t see the smile I’m faking,_  
And my heart’s not breaking,  
Cause I’m not feeling anything at all.  
And you were wild and crazy,  
Just so frustrating.  
Intoxicating, complicated,  
Got away by some mistake  
And now… 

I miss screaming and fighting  
And kissing in the rain.  
It’s 2 a.m. and I’m cursing you’re name!  
I’m so in love that I acted insane,  
And that’s the way I loved you.

Breaking down and coming undone,  
It’s a rollercoaster kinda rush.  
Never knew I could feel that much and  
That’s the way I loved you. 

Taylor Swift, The Way I Loved You

________________________________________________________________________

“Lily!” 

I groaned inwardly at the sound of Jared’s voice. He’d gotten me some lame rose, and now I had to spend the rest of the day with him, pondering what in the world I’d done to deserve the bag of madness called my brain. As I turned around, I tried to think on the positive.

_Hey, at least he didn’t give me a…_

Oh Merlin.

Jared held a lily in his hand. A white one. Oh, it was worse than the rose! I smiled at him, then pulled Paige next to me.

“What do I do?” I hissed. Josh looked at me impatiently, waiting for me to relinquish my hold on his girlfriend’s arm. “I do _not_ want to spend a day with _him_.”

“So ditch the kid.”

“Not helping.”

“You’re the one who said yes in a desperate attempt to forget James.”

“But I did that so nobody would get hurt!”

“Lils,” she said, looking at me with suddenly serious eyes. “You’re going to get hurt, it’s completely inevitable. You just have to decide who’s worth the pain.” 

I opened my mouth to retort, but she yanked her arm from my grasp and left me standing there, confused and looking like a fish. Jared called my name again, and I prepared for the unavoidable.

“Hey!” I said, maybe a little too enthusiastically. “Is that for me?”

Jared turned red. “Yeah.”

“Er, thanks!” He really was a sweet boy. How was he supposed to know that I hated being associated with a flower? Some girls liked that kind of thing. I just wasn’t one of them.

I took the flower awkwardly, trying to think of a place to put it.

“Um, if you want, you can just take it up to your dorm, or something.”

“No, I-I’ll just put it in my cloak.” I hastily shoved it into my pocket as I saw James walk by with Peter. I supposed the bimbo would be hanging on his arm by about noon, though, and tried to stop any guilt I had in its tracks.

James gave me the briefest of looks as he passed, catching my eye for a moment, if that. I felt something tug in my chest, my heart rate speeding, and my palms becoming sweaty. The one thing that James saw was my face going very red. I could’ve died at the look in his eyes. 

“C’mon,” Jared said, attempting to pull me away from James, even as we stopped making eye contact, but my feet remained rooted to the spot where I stood. Eventually, I regained composure and followed him out of the castle.

There was an extremely awkward silence for at least five minutes, before I said, “So…what classes are you taking?”

“Well, I want to work in the Ministry as an Unspeakable,” he started, and I could tell I was in for a speech. “So I’m currently taking Defense Against the Dark Arts—for the dark magic portion. I’m sure you know that the dark arts are a huge factor in the work of an Unspeakable. I’m also in Herbology—in case I need to work with plants, of course—Arithmancy—as you already know, mostly because I might have to decipher something—Divination—just because I needed something that would get me an easy O...."

I didn’t listen to the rest. This boy was possibly the most uninteresting Ravenclaw I’d ever encountered. At least most Ravenclaw’s knew how to keep a conversation lively. I felt like Jared would never shut up, and became increasingly interested my plain fingernails, and I felt a little like Paige. It wasn’t until Jared gave me a small nudge that I noticed not only had we entered Hogsmead, but he’d also asked me a question.

“What?”

“I asked, ‘what do you want to do after Hogwarts?’” Why was he so ridiculously calm?

“Oh, er…” I thought about telling him a lie, maybe that I wanted to work in something to do with the law, but he interrupted my thinking. 

“You bite your lip,” he said. I blushed.

“Yeah.”

I figured he’d say ‘oh, that’s cute’ like James. Or maybe I hoped. I wanted anything that would make him as good as James, even a little. I missed his engery, and his jokes. I even missed fighting with him until the early hours of the morning. Jared had to be a little like James. 

“You shouldn’t do that, you know.” I sucked in my breath. This relationship would never work out. “It’s very probable that you’ll get mouth cancer as a result of destroying the cells in your lip.”

Merlin help me. 

*~~*

_Say you’re sorry,_  
That face of an angel comes out  
Just when you want it to.  
As I pace back and forth all this time  
Cause I honestly believed in you.  
Holdin’ on the days drag on,  
Stupid girl, I shoulda known,  
I shoulda known. __

That I’m not a princess  
This ain’t a fairytale,  
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet,  
Lead her up the stairwell.  
This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town.  
I was a dreamer before you, and you let me down.  
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse  
To come around.

Cause I’m not your princess.  
This ain’t a fairytale.  
I’m gonna find someone someday,  
Who might actually treat me well.  
This is a big world,  
That was a small town,  
Here in my rear-view mirror,  
Disappearing now.  
And it’s too late for you and your white horse…  
To catch me now.

Taylor Swift, White Horse

________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: This half of the chapter is dedicated to my sister, who got her heart broken by some stupid boy that didn’t, doesn’t, and never will deserve her.**

Remus and I walked by Lily and Jared. I could see Lily’s eyes going in and out of focus, her brain wandering. That’s what she got for saying yes to some boy she’d known for five minutes.

“Can you believe she did that?” Remus asked. “As if James wasn’t in enough pain already, she had to date some random git a day after they broke up. And it doesn’t help matters that James is _better looking_ than said random git.”

“I think Lily needs time to adjust,” I said in her defense. “I mean, they were dating for what? Four months? And he tells her he loves her. Lily’s very peculiar in her thoughts on love.”

“What do you mean?” I looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“Hasn’t James told you what happened that night?”

“Nah.” Remus looked down at his hands. “He wouldn’t say a thing about it, just that it was over.”

“Then I won’t be the one to tell you.”

“Er, Celina?” 

I felt my face droop. I didn’t want to speak to him. Not now. Remus looked at me tentatively, asking with his eyes what to do. I looked Sirius straight in the face, nodding to Remus that he could leave. I didn’t want him to hear me yell at his best friend.

“What, Sirius?”

“I-I want us to work things out.”

I snorted and tried to walk away from him, to catch up with Remus. Sirius grabbed my arm. 

“C’mon, Celina,” he pleaded. “Gimme another chance!”

“Please, I gave you a chance when I went out with you! Then you stepped on my heart and let it break into a million tiny little goddamn pieces! So I’m sorry if I have to be the Wicked Witch who says no, but you made your choice a few months ago. I-I’ve made mine.” I felt as strange relief at my own words. I hadn't meant to say them, but once I did, I didn't know why I hadn't said it before.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sirius demanded, angry that he hadn’t gotten the reaction he’d wanted. 

“It means no, Sirius, I will never again go out with you. I’ll be civil to you because our friends are close, but I won’t sit next to you in classes or in meals, and I won’t have any conversations with you that don’t include other people, and I will never, _ever_ be alone with you after this.”

“Fine!” He sounded like a spoiled child who hadn’t gotten his way for the first time in a long time. “There are plenty of other girls who would love to spend one _hour_ with me! Hundreds, actually! And there are tons of them who are better than _you!_ ”

“Keep thinking that, Black,” I said, smirking over my shoulder at him, “but you will never find anyone like me.”

_I may be broken,  
But I am not shattered._

_Let him go,_  
Let him fly.  
Keep your head up.  
Get on with your life.  
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?

*~~*

_Isn't it ironic?_  
We ignore who adores us,  
Adore who ignores us,  
Love who hurts us, and  
Hurt who loves us.

“Look, Jared,” I took his hands in mine. “I don’t think this is going to work out.”

After listening to him prattle on about cancer, jobs, Hogwarts, classes, and bacteria, I’d had enough. I was so close to murder, it was unhealthy—for him. Jared hadn’t stopped talking and walking since his little cancer mention, and it had begun snowing. The light flakes were making me cold, and the chilling February wind was blowing right through me. This had to end.

“What do you mean? We’ve only been out for a few hours!”

“Yes, I know that.” _Trust me, I’ve been counting._ “But, honestly, it was wrong of me to say yes in the first place. I’m still a little upset over how things ended with James, and I think I need time to, er, think. Sorry.”

“No, that’s okay. I get it.” Jared gave me a small smile. “I hope you enjoy the rest of your day. And, when you sort things out, give me a shout.”

“Sure.”

He walked away uneasily, as if he was still a little confused at what was going on. At least he wasn’t offended, or something. 

I made my way through the crowd, seriously considering going back to the castle, when the snow began falling quicker. It made up my mind for me. With Celina, Paige, and Tiff gone (Tiff had wandered off somewhere with a Hufflepuff) I didn’t really have a reason to stay in the cold. 

I turned to leave, but right in front of me stood Severus and Derek Jones, arguing. They weren’t directly in front of me, but a few feet away. I could hear Derek telling Severus to ‘do it’ and Severus vehemently refusing. My first instinct was to go and break up the fight before it became physical, but my mind related me to something else.

I turned carefully, hoping with all my will power that I wouldn’t see it, wouldn’t see _them_. 

But I did.

Angela sat with Selena and Sandra Kiss, who apparently hadn’t moved at all. She sat with them, a look of concern on her face. I should’ve known better than to think she’d truly apologize. 

I turned again, hoping to walk away in disgust. I was had almost left the vicinity of the pub when a gloved hand grasped my arm.

“Lily!” Angela panted. “Listen to me; you have to get the girls and go! Right now! Go back to Hogwarts!”

“Angela, I saw you! I saw you in there with them! Merlin it’s just like in my dreams.”

“Exactly! That’s why you have to leave. Now.”

“What?”

“You remember the last part of your dreams? I heard you saying it in your sleep, I know you remember. The people running and screaming? It’s going to happen, and I’ve tried to stop it, it it’s going to happen. You need to gather as many people as you can _and leave!”_

“Angie, you’re scaring me. What’s going on—?”

“Leave, now!”

Suddenly there were screams erupting around me, filling the air. My head snapped in the direction of the first yell, my heart pounding in my chest. People were running in all directions, trying to get away. My breath would only come in short gasps. All I could think was _James, Celina, Paige, Tiff, Remus, Sirius, Peter._ I repeated their names over and over in my head as I attempted to push through the mad crowd.

No matter how hard I tried, I never maneuvered anymore than a few inches. The people didn’t care that I needed to find my friends, they only pushed harder and harder, trying to escape the danger that lay ahead. The man with the slits for eyes…a green skull and snake now lit up the wintry sky…

My dream wasn’t the only dream I remembered. I could remember James telling me his, too. Had his become as clear as mine? Would he have told me? Or had he already accepted the end?

_“…I don’t run from people like him, it shows I’m afraid. I confront my fears; I don’t let them take control of my life. I’d fight with him.”_

Now, I started thinking one name. In fact, I was screaming one name, and my eyes were searching for just one person. I pushed people out of my way trying to get to him. I could see a group of people battling; throwing hexes and curses like mad. They seemed so far away. 

People in black robes and hoods were coming toward me. I felt some pulling at my arm.

“Lily, run!” 

Tiff tried to pull me back, but I fought her. I couldn’t leave him! What if he was there? Tiff had her wand out, why hadn’t I thought of that?

“Lily, don’t make me do this,” she grunted, pointing her wand at the small of my back. 

“He’s there, he has to be!”

_“Stupefy!”_

Blackness.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**A/N: Okay, I know it’s really choppy—especially the ending segment—but that’s how a person’s mind reacts in a panic. This is meant to be Lily’s thoughts, and if she’s in a panic, they’re short and changing.** ****

There are a lot of lyrics and quotes in this chapter, the quotes are from Facebook bumper stickers, and the songs are from Taylor Swift. 

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I’m so sorry this took so long, but between track and all the 4th quarter assignments and projects I’m getting, I can barely find time to write anymore. Be patient with me!!!

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Thanks for reading, drop a review and make my day!!! 

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	26. Chapter Twenty-Six

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Twenty-Six_

_I miss the sound of your voice._  
And I miss the rush of your skin.  
And I miss the still of the silence,  
As you breath out,  
And I breathe in… 

I miss the sound of your voice,  
The loudest thing in my head.  
And I ache to remember  
All the violent, sweet, perfect words you said.

Matt Nathanson, Come On Get Higher

My body felt heavy, immobile. I heard the people around me frequently. They spoke in whispers and hurried tones. Not a moment went by that I didn’t think of them, or him. I didn’t want to open my eyes, even though I’d had the ability to for a long time. Judging by their whispers they thought I was still unconscious.

“Nobody knows what happened to them,” I heard a girl say on the last day I’d decided to be ‘unaware’. “It’s like they just disappeared off the map. Everyone from the Ministry to Dumbledore has been looking; no one’s found them.”

“I heard they were taken!” another voice said. I heard my heart stop.

“What a load of rubbish,” I heard the other girl say. “James and Remus aren’t stupid. They’ll have found a way out, along with the rest of them.”

“Well, You-Know-Who isn’t exactly an idiot either; that attack was planned—and planned well. Everyone’s saying that he had inside people, even students!”

“Does that really surprise you?” I recognized the sarcastic, snippy tone. Paige was okay, but what about the rest of them? And what was the part about James and Remus…?

“Sirius has been beating himself up about not being with them,” the second girl said. “Pete keeps trying to lift his spirits, but nothing works. You know Sirius wasn’t there because he was brooding about Celina, right?”

“Yeah, well, Celina isn’t feeling too pleasant herself.”

“I’d better go see Petey, he’s still really upset.” I finally recognized Rachel Thaddit’s voice. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

Once I heard a door close, I opened my eyes slightly. I heard Paige suck in a breath of relief and call for the nurse.

“Lils!” she breathed happily. It was strange to hear it from Paige, of all people. I think I actually saw her tear up a little. “You’re awake!”

“Have been for a little while,” I tried to sit up, but my body still felt weak. “What’s wrong with me?”

“Well, you wouldn’t leave,” Paige said, looking uncomfortable. “So Tiff used a Stunning Spell. Mind you, she didn’t want to, but you were fighting her like she was Voldemort herself. And after she Stunned you, she tried to Apparate with you back to school, which didn’t work well, and she splinched herself. She’s here too, but she—well, she doesn’t say much.”

“Miss Evans!” Madam Pomfrey came rushing out of her office, looking frazzled. “Thank goodness you’re alright. You wouldn’t sleep soundly, so I had to give you a sedative. That’s why it’s a little hard to move.” She bustled about me for a while, Paige looking on.

“Well, there are no long term problems with you, Miss Evans,” the nurse concluded. “I’ll be back…later.” She gave a worried glance at Tiff, then moved on to check everyone else. 

I looked over a Tiff, who was in the bed next to me. Her eyes stared up at the ceiling, unseeing. It worried me. I glanced at Paige, who only sported a small scar down the length of her pale cheekbone. 

Every bed in the Hospital Wing was full. Marlene McKinnon was on the other side of me, unconscious, with scratches and bruises covering her body. Emmeline Vance, who was cousins with Alice Vance, was in the bed across from me. She too was out cold, and Alice sat with her, holding her hand, while Frank Longbottom—Alice’s boyfriend—held Alice’s. For once, I felt happy that Tuney had no part in my world. 

Mary McDonald, a former friend, was awake in the bed next to Emmeline’s. Her wide eyes were searching as she looked over the rows of people. She looked confused. She was a Gryffindor one year below me.

The other people I didn’t really recognize. I knew what house they were in, and their years, but I didn’t know names. I didn’t need to know. Anyone who was awake looked lost, and the rest were unconscious.

The feeling was returning to my legs and arms, and I turned my head to Paige. 

“What happened?” She sighed, but she seemed to have planned what she was going to say.

“The Death Eaters and Voldemort attacked Hogsmead,” she said, confirming my thoughts. “They obviously knew it was a weekend when students would be there, because they outnumbered us all. They started attacking, and Josh and I tried to get back up to school, but, being a noble idiot, Josh decided to stay and fight. I went to look for you, Celina, and Tiff. I found Celina, but you and Tiff were somewhere near the edge of the crowd, and I couldn’t get to you. Celina and I ran with the rest of the mob back to school.”

“So the Death Eaters attacked all these people?”

“Yeah, and more. A lot of villagers tried to help students, so St. Mungo’s is basically full.” She looked at me with rarely tender eyes. “And, Lils, there’s something else. A lot of students who were fighting went…missing.”

My stomach rolled. “What do you mean ‘missing’?”

“I mean, nobody can find them. They’re unaccounted for. No one saw them leave, no one saw them come back. It’s like they’ve vanished, or something. People have been searching for weeks…”

“Hang on,” I interrupted. “How long was I out?”

“Three weeks.”

“What?”

“Madam Pomfrey put a heavy sedative in you. At least you’re not like Emmeline. Poppy didn’t know what to do with her, but she wasn’t bad enough to go to St. Mungo’s.”

“I-I didn’t even fight, Paige.” The thought of guilt had just occurred to me. “I didn’t do anything but try to find people. Merlin, I was so stupid! I didn’t even have my wand out, my one defense!”

“Lils, you were scared, we all were.” Paige took my hand. “I didn’t pull out my wand until five minutes _after_ the Death Eaters were close enough to kill me.”

“But you pulled it out, didn’t you? I remember thinking ‘why don’t I have my wand out?’ but I didn’t even take it out then! It’s supposed to be instinct by now! I could’ve _done_ something to help! I feel so selfish.”

“Lily, we’re just students. What could we do? Maybe it’s better that you didn’t. The people who fought disappeared.” Suddenly, Paige looked as though she’d said something she wasn’t supposed to. 

“Who’s missing?”

“About ten students.”

“What are they’re names?”

“Are you sure you—?”

_“Paige, tell me the names.”_

“There’s only two you really need to know: James and Remus.”

My head began reeling. It felt like a wave of water was overtaking me as I stood in the ocean. I wished, for a moment, that it would overtake me, drown me into unconsciousness, where it was peaceful. Where I couldn’t think. 

I had no such luck, and I surfaced from the wave quickly. Regaining composure, I felt people’s stares leave me. I felt stupid, letting them see me so upset. So weak.

“Lily,” Paige said, and I saw a concerned look on her face. “Do you want me to leave?”

“If you don’t mind.” Paige started to get up, but she had one last thing to say.

“I’m…so sorry.” 

I nodded. She left. I saw that Tiff had gone to sleep. In fact, everyone around me was either asleep or unconscious now.

I felt less ashamed of crying when no one could hear me.

*~~*

I was dismissed almost as soon as Madam Pomfrey had checked me over. Paige or Celina had left a pile of robes for me to put on so I wouldn’t be walking around in Hospital Wing pajamas, no matter how comfortable they were.

I made the walk to Gryffindor Tower without running into anyone. I’d become sick of the looks of pity everyone in the Hospital Wing had given me. It was one of the reasons I’d waited until nightfall to leave. 

As soon as I opened the Portrait Hole, however, I was nearly crushed by Celina. 

“Lily!” she screeched. I motioned for her to be quieter. I didn’t want anyone to come down and see me. “Sorry,” she continued in a whisper. “I’m just so happy you’re alright!”

“I was only Stunned, Celina, not trampled.”

“I know, but I was really worried. Tiff won’t even respond when we go visit her.”

“Yeah, uh, what’s wrong with her?” I was pleased to have a different conversation topic than the one everyone had been using. I wanted my brain to stop worrying and thinking of him day and night—a distraction was nice. And Tiff was worrying me. I’d attempted to make conversation with her a few times, but she’d said nothing.

“She saw…something.” Celina shook her head, apparently confused. “Before she tried to Apparate with you. She won’t speak to anyone, really, so nobody knows what she even saw. It must’ve been horrible, though. I heard Professor Dumbledore telling Madam Pomfrey he’d try and get Tiff a pensieve. It must’ve been awful.”

We walked up the stairs to the girl’s dorm. Standing outside our door, Celina looked at me. “Lily, I know this is the last thing you want to talk about, but are you okay? This must be really hard for you.”

Suddenly, like it had been with Paige just a few weeks earlier, I felt the urge to burst open and tell her everything. I wanted to tell her about the physical pain I was having, or the way I thought about James every moment, dreamed about him. I wanted to spill how guilty I felt that Tiff wasn’t responding to anyone because of something that had happened when she’d tried to help me.

Sometimes, when I say I’m fine, I want someone to look me in the face and say ‘you’re lying’ because I knew I’d admit to everything, then. I wanted to tell her how much it hurt to wake up one morning and know that someone you thought was replaceable, just a fleeting crush, was gone. I wanted to tell her that even though my eyes were dry, my throat was too clogged to speak. I wanted to tell her how badly it felt to know that you drove one of the most important people in your life away from you, or that someone you loved unconditionally had been hurt by you, possibly permanently.

Most of all, I wanted to go downstairs and know that James would be there waiting. I wanted to let him hold me, let his voice wash over me. I wanted someone to tell me that what happened to Tiff wasn’t my fault, or that Remus would be alright. Celina must’ve been devastated, but she only wanted to make sure I was okay. I wanted so many things that I wouldn’t get.

“I’m fine.”

Celina looked at me with her piercing blue eyes. It had always seemed that when she looked at someone like that, she could see into their soul. But, for some reason, she’d never been able to use that stare to its full potential on me. 

As soon as we were silent, we heard Paige snoring, a sign that the Nazi’s dropping a bomb in our dorm wouldn’t wake her up. For once, I was grateful for her clogged sinuses.

“I think I’ll put a Silencing Spell around my bed.” Celina chuckled, but I had a feeling that she’d be shedding tears as well. For everyone.

We changed into our nightclothes, said goodnight, and closed out curtains. I said my Silencing Spell and collapsed into bed.

It was lucky that the spell stopped my loud yells from echoing off the stone walls. I would’ve woken everybody up. I couldn’t stop the picture of James from entering my memory. And then I saw Remus, too. My pain doubled. Tiff came as well, and my limbs felt like they were being stabbed. I saw everyone in the Hospital Wing, and I could picture all of the villagers trying to help the screaming children around them.

I realized then that I wouldn’t be sleeping that night. My limbs seemed to be aching. I grabbed some muggle clothes—trainers, sweatpants, and a sweatshirt—and pulled them on. My body was buzzing with energy, the need to move, to do something. I couldn’t just sit around while my friends—I didn’t think that was the right word, they were more than that—had vanished off of the earth. While one seemed have the life taken out of her.

I tiptoed from the dorm, jogging down the steps and out of the deserted Common Room. 

The Fat Lady called after me as I jogged down the hallway, but I was too far to hear it by then. I’d never been ‘graceful’ exactly. I was actually quite clumsy. For some reason, running felt more natural than walking. 

As I ran to the secret passageway, the one I’d taken on my first night back at Hogwarts, I felt a freedom. I wasn’t scared of running into teachers. I could feel my stress slowly ebbing, my pain receding into the back of my brain. It wasn’t gone; it would return, but for now my mind focused on the steps…the beating of my shoes against the floor. 

I went through the passageway effortlessly. I pushed all the right bricks, took all the correct turns. Soon, I was outside. There was something soothing about the steady _thump, thump, thump_ that came from my trainers hitting grass of the Quidditch pitch, the one area without snow. I couldn’t feel the cold. I couldn’t think about James and Remus, and whatever they were going through. I couldn’t even think about Tiff, and all the pain she must be feeling inside of her. The breath that left my body could be seen in puffs of air. My steady pace took me around the pitch who knows how many times.

That night, I didn’t sleep at all. I just ran.

*~~*

It became a sort of routine for me after that. It was miraculous that I hadn’t gotten caught, even more astounding that I wasn’t caught after that. Sometimes I was able to sleep for about four hours, but I dreamed then. I always woke up shivering. 

Teachers treated me weirdly. Celina, who worried over Remus and missed him terribly, scoured the newspaper every morning for any report. Paige, along with Josh—who was constantly at her side—tried to make conversation. Celina and I weren’t in the mood for talking. It seemed that her perkiness the night I’d left the Hospital Wing was a show for me. Tiff stayed in the Hospital Wing. People said she’d gone mental.

In Potions, Professor Slughorn gave me an O on a potion I hadn’t even finished. Professor Morgue offered to read my future—I declined—and Professor McGonagall even pardoned a late homework assignment. I didn’t like it. They treated all of us weirdly. I wanted things to go on normally.

Among the other students to go missing were Amanda Bouchard, a Fifth Year Ravenclaw—her little sister was now clinically depressed—Carl Diamond, Hufflepuff, Nemea Clarke, Gryffindor, Andrew Anderson, another Gryffindor, Theia Mandero, another Hufflepuff, Darren Warren, another Ravenclaw, Maya Goldstein, the Gryffindor Seeker, Bill Thomas, another Ravenclaw. It was spread pretty evenly between the three houses—Slytherin, of course, remained untouched. The missing students were in the paper every day.

Students would look at me strangely, and ask me if I was alright. I’d say my usual ‘fine’ and walk away. I didn’t show weakness in front of people. I couldn’t. 

Celina could.

“What is wrong with you people?” she demanded a week after I’d woken up. Paige and Josh looked up from their breakfasts. I kept my eyes on my toast, while other eyes stared. “Our friends—you’re ex, Lils—are missing! You people act like nothing’s wrong!”

Silence. 

“Not to mention the two boys who don’t even come downstairs anymore! They just hole up in their room for all of eternity because both _their_ friends are missing as well! Does no one think to check up on them?”

Paige looked at her angrily. “I don’t see you going up there!”

“That’s different!” Celina insisted. Paige raised a delicate eyebrow. “You know what it’s like between Sirius and me! I can’t just go in there and start comforting him.”

“Maybe it would help more if _you_ did it, and not one of us.”

Josh and I stayed silent. What could we say, anyway?

I wised this conversation was over.

“Maybe it should be Lily.” Celina turned to me. “Lils, James is missing, and Tiff is holed up in the Hospital Wing staring at a ceiling. Don’t you feel anything right now?”

“I’m fine,” I assured her. There were people going through worse.

“Ugh! You’re all impossible!”

Sirius and Peter never came down from their rooms. It was like they, too, had just vanished. The teachers did nothing, they just left them alone. I felt like somebody should go up and talk to them, make sure they were okay. I just didn’t think that person should be me.

Celina didn’t speak for the rest of the meal. Paige, always blunt, dismissed herself, saying that she was going to sit with Tiff. Josh followed her. People started leaving for the night.

I got up from the table, passing the Ravenclaws, the Hufflepuffs, and making my way to the Slytherins. I tried to leave quietly, without drawing attention. 

“Hey, Evans!” a Slytherin called out to me. “Where’s your boyfriend?” Everyone left in the Great Hall went silent. I could picture the teachers watching uneasily from their perch, ready to intervene, should things become aggressive.

I was planning on just walking away, and I’d like to believe I would’ve. The Slytherin got up and shouted from directly behind me:

“Do you think he’s gone the same way as you’re mental friend?” 

Something in me snapped. I whirled around, pointing my wand at the boy’s face.

“Shut up! Just shut up!” The boy stiffened, even as his worthless friends jumped up to protect his back. I got closer, so that our eyes were meeting. Everyone was staring, but I didn’t even blush. “I swear, if you ever talk about her like that, I won’t stop myself from cursing you.”

The courage I’d had inside of me came shining through, and I was done pretending like nothing was wrong. Something _was_ wrong. People were dead, students were missing, and people were going mad. Something was _very_ wrong. How could I ignore it?

I returned my wand to my pocket, and left with one last contemptuous look at the cowardly boy, who now shook with fear. I had no doubt in my mind that I would’ve cursed him.

The walk to the Fat Lady felt short. I tried to plan what I was going to say, but the words were jumbled in my head. I couldn’t plan this. One of my mother’s favorite sayings: You can’t plan matters of the heart, it just happens.

She’d been a smart woman.

The Common Room wasn’t empty. Dinner had just ended, and Gryffindors crowded the room, discussing the properties of moonstone, or how to entice an Augery. The conversations ceased as I entered. I walked passed them and up the staircase leading to the Seventh Year dormitories. 

I knocked. Other than a slight rustling, like that of sheets, there was no response. I took a deep breath and, praying they weren’t naked, burst into their room.

Sirius yelped. “What the bloody hell are you doing here?”

‘Here’ was a mess. Clothes were thrown about, along with dirty towels. Plates of food covered every surface in the room. It smelled. There were even flies. They’d been living here?

“I-I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” I fumbled for words. Were they angry with me for what I’d done to James? Peter’s head appeared from behind blankets.

“Like you care,” he grumbled. Sirius nodded. I could see that his grey eyes were alight with suspicion. 

“Did Celina send you?” he demanded. The small hope in his voice hurt.

“Er, no,” I lied. “It’s just…you haven’t been down to meals, and you haven’t been to classes, or even left this room.”

“Why are you here?” Sirius repeated.

“I was worried--”

“Like hell you were. Since when do you care about a Marauder’s feelings?”

That stung. It ignited a spark I hadn’t really felt since the last time I’d argued with James. 

“Look, I know you’re upset, but don’t take it out on me! I miss them too, more than you know! Do you think I’m some cold-hearted bitch because I broke up with him? Do you think I don’t care about him anymore, because believe me, I do! And Remus, he’s one of my best friends! Tiff is practically incapacitated because of what happened! I miss him t-t-too! And A-Angela, where the h-h-hell is s-s-she? My f-f-friends are g-g-gone, too!”

Peter looked at me with soft eyes. “Lily, don’t cry--”

“Well at least you were there!” Sirius roared. Peter and I flinched. “At least you tried to fight! I was up here moaning about some girl who doesn’t even care if I’m dead or alive!”

“It’s not just about you, Sirius!” I yelled, wiping my eyes. I had to stop crying to get the words out. “Other people have lost friends and loved ones, but they’re not holed up somewhere feeling sorry for themselves! They’re trying to keep living! Stop drowning yourself in self-pity!”

“Don’t you get it? I wasn’t there! I couldn’t do anything!”

“I was there and I didn’t do anything! You’re lucky you weren’t there. Tiff was there, and look at her! There are some things that _nobody_ should see, Sirius!”

“But I should’ve been there! I should’ve had their back, I should’ve helped!”

“Sitting here moaning about what you should’ve done won’t help them now!” Sirius was silent.

“She’s right, Padfoot.” Peter spoke softly. “I’ve been in here for weeks making sure you were okay. Hell, I had to make sure you _ate_! Mate, I’ve lost friends, too. You’ve got to know that this isn’t going to help anybody.”

“Did you know that Regulus was there?” Sirius whispered. “And Bellatrix, she was there, too. I’m guessing my newest cousin contributed something, and Narcissa had to have helped if Lucius was there. Those creatures I call parents were probably on the side lines, rooting for the Death Eaters and Voldemort. You realize my whole family probably helped?”

The worst part wasn’t the look in his eyes, or the way he soon put his head in his hands. It wasn’t the tone of his voice, the bitterness that didn’t belong in a boy of seventeen. The worst part was that it was probably all true. 

“So that’s what you’re really upset about?” I asked. “You’re upset that you’re family helped…most likely?”

“Do you even have to think about it? I mean, let’s face it! My entire family are douches who probably don’t deserve to live anymore!”

“But, Sirius, they’re your family--”

“No. From now on, they’re not my family. They’re just a bunch of lowlifes.”

I sat down beside him on his bed, Peter on my other side. “Sirius, you know I don’t like you. Not just because of what you did to Celina, but because of the way you act in general toward girls. But just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to live.”

“Padfoot, mate, you can’t pick your family, and I know you’d love to.” Sirius chuckled darkly at Peter’s words. “You’ve just got to show the world that you’re different. I wasn’t there either, you know. I was stuck with Rachel, my supposed girlfriend who probably hasn’t thought of me once since she last came up here—what was is?—a week and a half ago. But you’re right, man, they’re not your family anymore. We are.”

Sirius nodded, while Peter, in a surprising show of confidence, pulled him into a hug. I left them there. Peter would know how to help Sirius now. 

The next morning, the two were sitting at breakfast. Celina took Sirius’s hand briefly, gave it a squeeze, and returned to her eggs. 

“Lily!” I jumped as Rachel Thaddit threw _The Daily Prophet_ down in front of me. “Have you seen today’s paper yet?”

“Why?” Sirius asked eagerly. “What’s happened?” Celina frowned at the headline, attempting to read it upside down. 

**Strange Happenings in Hogsmead**

_Rumors are circulating after a close werewolf encounter in Hogsmead, the small village known mostly for it’s proximity to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and it’s recent Death Eater attack. Late last night, a villager—who wishes to remain anonymous—witnessed a most terrifying and curious scene. For _The Daily Prophet_ Anna Skeeter reports. _ __

“Oh, it was the strangest thing!” The informant, who will now be referred to as Jane Doe, says. “I was letting the family cat out, when I hear this awful screaming! I look out from across the street, and I see this huge, hairy beast leaping toward someone in a cloak. Well, I suppose I might’ve screamed just a little because the two things looked at me. I shut the door, and, of course, immediately contacted the Ministry—after I brought my cat back in, naturally—and they were on the scene within five minutes. Unfortunately, the beast had disappeared by then. The cloaked person, too.”

__

When asked about the incident, the Minister for Magic commented “I’ve no idea what [Jane Doe] saw, but whatever it was has gone now. I don’t doubt it was a dream or something of the likes.”

__

Other villagers, such as the local bartender at the Hog’s Head, say that they didn’t hear a thing. “I’ll tell you what I heard! I heard some barmy lady screeching at the top of her lungs, that’s what I heard! Goodness knows we need more trouble in this town!”

__

The village recently lost seven of its inhabitants in its attack late last month. Not only this, but villagers believe that the missing students of Hogwarts may be close by. The cloaked stranger is still a mystery. Many are frightened of the recent events, saying that more and more dark magic is finding its way into their small home. 

__

“Oh Merlin!” Celina yelled. “Werewolves? It’s like we’re not even safe at Hogwarts now!”

“We’re not,” I mumbled, mostly to myself. I could feel Peter and Sirius’s eyes on me. I re-read the article several times, trying to figure out in my head when the last full moon was. Sirius and Peter would know for sure.

“I’ll see you guys in class, alright?” Celina and Josh nodded absently, still scanning the article. 

Just the mention of the missing students in the end had alerted my attention, but the werewolf bit was almost too much. As far as I knew, there was only one werewolf who had been anywhere near the school in months, years. Peter followed me out.

We walked to the dungeons, my stomach in knots. It was still early enough in the morning that nobody was in the halls as we discussed the news.

“Peter, when was the last full moon?”

“As of now?” I nodded. “A month and a day ago. Yesterday was when Remus would’ve…you know.”

“Dealt with his ‘furry little problem’? So…” I was trying to say James’s name, but my tongue had trouble forming the word. “So he would’ve realized that Remus had to transform at some point. Pete, be honest with me: Am I pathetic for hoping that the werewolf was Remus?”

“No, Lils,” he said as students started walking down the corridor. “You’re hopeful, something not many of us can say about ourselves right now.”

Our pace slowed as students began pushing passed us in their hurry to get to class. 

“Do you think we should tell Professor Dumbledore?”

“Knowing Dumbledore, he's already writing to the Minister."

  **A/N: People often say that a writer reveals more of themself in a story than any other time. The entire first half of this fic is almost completely me, 100%. Drop me a line and tell me what you think!!!**

**3 CHAPTERS LEFT!!!**


	27. Chapter Twenty-Seven

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Twenty-Seven_

_We've tried so hard to understand, but we can't.  
We held the world out in our hands and you ran away._

_It takes some time to let you go and it shows._

_Cause all we know is falling, it falls.  
Remember, cause I know that we won't forget at all._

_Paramore, All We Know_

________________________________________________________________________

Another week went by. Dumbledore and Aurors searched the entire perimeter of Hogsmead, and anywhere that could have some sort of enchantment to hide anything was crashed into using a muggle wrecking ball. They didn’t find anything, but I was sure that James, Remus, and the others were still in the area. Leave it to the Death Eaters to torture us with that knowledge. 

And it _was_ torture. 

My runs weren’t helping anymore. My body was continuously buzzing with energy that I couldn’t suppress. I slept two hours, at most, every night. I gave up running, and switched to pacing in the Common Room. I kept up a foolish hope that he would be there, in our armchair, waiting for me to come down so that he could hold me. 

Sometimes I visited Tiff. 

The first few nights, teachers asked me what I was doing out of bed so late. I told them the truth. It wasn’t about being strong anymore, it was just surviving. I needed to _do_ something, or I’d die. 

I talked to her, held her hand even. She didn’t respond, didn’t look at me. I cried a lot when I saw her, lifeless. I found myself thinking that it would be better if she were dead. I loved Tiff, sweet and sensitive Tiff. I hated seeing her limp body on the hospital bed. She never moved except to blink her eyes, the one sign of life. My friend was dead inside.

Her parents came to visit her every weekend. I tried to talk to them, to tell them that their daughter was the only reason I was alive. Every time I got close, I chickened out. Would they feel resentful of me? If Tiff had just left me, maybe she would’ve gotten to Hogwarts in fine, with her mental health in tact. I hated to admit it, but I didn’t want the Young’s to hate me for their daughter’s present state. It was my fault, after all.

“Dumbledore said at dinner that there’s a chance that they’re all hiding,”� I told her one night. The Hospital Wing was dark. No lamps were lit. Most of its inhabitants didn’t need light anyway, since they were unconscious or unresponsive. “He says they don’t know who’s looking for them, so they’ve just shut themselves in. They probably don’t even know where they are, or how close they are to help.”�

She blinked. Did she know I was there? She was always awake when I came.

“It’s all very strange,”� I continued. “Angie hasn’t been around at all.”�

At the sound of Angela’s name, Tiff began blinking more than usual. 

“I don’t know if she’s even here–at Hogwarts, I mean. No one’s seen her. Trust me, I asked around. She’s never in class, or in the dorm, but she isn’t on the list of people missing. It’s like the world’s forgotten about her. Celina and Paige won’t say anything about her. I’m really worried. I wonder if she went off with the Death Eaters….”�

I looked at Tiff in surprise. There were tears sliding down her cheeks and spilling onto her pillow. A sign of emotion, a sign of anything. 

My first feeling was happiness. It was a simple pleasure to see Tiff responding to anything I said. She was _crying_ , showing a powerful emotion, one that I knew too well.

_She was crying._

Why?

“Tiff?”� I asked, positioning myself so that I was standing over her, my curls falling into her face. “Tiff, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”�

More tears.

“Tiffany Young! Snap out of it! Tell me why you’re crying!”� My face was close to hers, my hands clutching her shoulders. I was close to shaking her. 

“Why are you crying?”� I yelled. In the back of my mind, I heard Madam Pomfrey leave her office and hurry over. Lamps were being lit. “Why won’t you talk? Talk to me, Tiff! For once, I’m listening to you!”�

Madam Pomfrey tried to grab my arms, to drag me away from Tiff. I was stronger than her, resolutely clinging to Tiff. I threw her off.

She was yelling at me to ‘regain my composure’. I didn’t pay any attention to her. I simply clutched Tiff and continued to yell.

Eventually, Professor McGonagall, whose office was close by, ran into the Hospital Wing, her dressing gown flowing out from behind her, and her hair in a tight, black bun. Teaming against me, she and Madam Pomfrey managed to pry me away from Tiff, who continued to silently shed her tears. 

I sat next to her while Madam Pomfrey bustled about, trying to help Tiff.

“Please,”� I whispered to her, still holding my friend’s hand. “Please tell me what’s wrong. Please, please, _please….”�_

Professor McGonagall laid a gentle hand on my shoulder some hours later, after Madam Pomfrey had returned to her office, and Tiff had gone to sleep. “Miss Evans, you should return to your dormitory, now.”�

I shook my head. “I can’t, professor. I can’t leave her.”�

“Miss Young’s parents will be here in a few hours,”� she explained. The woman pulled me to my feet with more strength than I thought she could have. “I think it best that you aren’t crying over their daughter when they arrive–they have little hope as it is.”�

“I mentioned Angie,”� I murmured to her. “I was talking about Angela.”�

“Oh, yes. Poor Miss Papal. It’s quite a tragedy. She was a lovely girl.”�

Her words confused me. Why the past-tense? Why the immense sadness in her voice?

“What do you mean?”� I demanded, though my voice was still barely audible.

Professor McGonagall looked startled. “But of course, you know don’t you?”�

“Know what?”�

“In the attack on Hogsmead, Miss Papal was the only student found dead.”�

*~~*

I ran swiftly through the corridors. My heart pumped madly as I sprinted up the staircases, two steps at a time. I managed not to fall in one of the trick-steps, my mind registering the familiarity of the path to Gryffindor Tower, though I wasn’t consciously aware of where I was going.

For the first time, I felt grief. Now I understood why Celina and Paige hadn’t spoken about Angela, why she hadn’t been around.

I burst into our dormitory, where only three of the five slept, with the intention of waking my friends.

“Bloody hell!”� Paige yelled, jerking upright, then promptly falling out of bed and hitting the stone floor with a small _thud_ and a string of curses.

“Uh, Lils!”� Celina groaned, throwing her arm over her eyes in an attempt to stop the light that poured in from the hallway. She gave up, and let her eyes adjust as I lit the lamps in our dorm. Light filled the room as Paige hauled herself back into bed. Celina looked me over.

“What’s wrong with you?”� she asked. I must’ve looked horrible.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”� I demanded, my voice angrier than it had been in months. 

“Tell you what?”� Paige remained oblivious, but Celina caught on at once.

“We didn’t want to upset you.”� Her voice was quiet.

Paige, who had been trying to close the curtains around her bed, poked her head out in surprise. “What didn’t we tell her?”�

“That Angela is dead.”�

My words rang through the room, haunting. Paige and Celina didn’t say anything. They exchanged a look that clearly said ‘I told you so’. It infuriated me.

“Why does everyone act like I’m some unstable little child?”� I screamed at them. “I’m eighteen–older than both of you! I think I’m mature enough to _know_ when my _friend_ is _dead!_ You think that because my ex-boyfriend and one of my best friends is missing, I don’t deserve to know anything?! I should know more than _all of you!_ I-I should know things! I-I….”�

My voice trailed off as I thought of the most important thing I should know–where James and Remus were. I should know that. I wondered briefly if they knew that half the world was searching for them and the rest of the missing students. 

“We wanted to tell you,”� Celina tried to explain once I’d gone quiet. “We truly did. We were just waiting for the right moment. Angela’s death, on top of everything else that’s happened in the passed month, seemed like too much for you to bear.”�

“But you could bear it?”� I asked shrilly. “What makes it different for any of you? She was my friend, too.”�

“Yeah, but she’d tried to make up with you,”� Paige said. I recognized her tone. She was trying to use psychology on me. “And you basically told her that she shouldn’t be trusted. Everyone saw her trying to warn you in Hogsmead. The logical conclusion is that Angela was the insider in Hogwarts, she backed out, tried to warn you, and was killed because of it. She was trying to prove to you that she was trustworthy. In your head, you probably feel a little responsible for her death.”�

“Actually, I hadn’t thought of that ‘till just now, thanks.”� Paige sighed. 

“We all feel badly for letting her get so close with the Kiss sisters,”� Celina insisted. She was trying to make me feel better now. “A word from any one of us could’ve brought her back, and away from them. But none of us did anything.”�

I didn’t want to look at them. I could picture they’re faces in my mind. I didn’t need to see it.

Celina’s beautiful blue eyes would be soft as she gazed at me worriedly. Her mouth would be in a tiny pout, her arched eyebrows pulled together, making a tiny crease between them. 

Paige would be fiddling with her nails, naturally. She’d also be looking at me with concern, but most likely she’d be trying to read my face and see what internal battles I was struggling with. One eyebrow would be lifted as she studied me, her light green eyes intent on my expression. Analyzing.

“I’m going to bed.”� 

*~~*

The next morning I got up early. Paige and Celina were remained asleep as I pulled on my running clothes and silently left them.

It was morning, however early, and students were allowed to be out and about the castle. I received strange looks as the few people I passed looked at my muggle attire. The doors in the Entrance Hall were open, and there was no need to use the secret passageway. 

I noticed that as April approached, the snow was melting. I put and Impervious Charm on my trainers so they wouldn’t get soaked as I ran through the thick amount of mud covering the school grounds. 

While I ran, I thought. Normally, the point of running was to clear my head of everything, almost like meditation. This time, my brain was whirring as I considered everything that had happened. The sun looked perfect as it rose over the lake. The lake….

_Snape was suspended in the air. James, Sirius, Peter, and the rest of the school were laughing as he struggled. I didn’t laugh, but looked at James coldly. He’d just asked me out again._

_“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid!”�_

My feet began to speed up, smacking the ground hard. Mud splashed all over the place.

_Merlin, he was horrible_ I thought. _But so was I. So was Snape._

_Snape!_

My feet carried me back to the castle quickly. A cramp quickly formed in my side, and as I slowed, I tried to think of where I could find him.

The Slytherin Common Room was definitely off the list, even though I knew the password. It would be like suicide to go in there, Head Girl or not. Then again, wasn’t it my right to show some authority? And since when was I scared of Slytherins?

Unknowingly, my legs had taken me down to the dungeons. I stood outside the stone wall I needed, mustering up the strength. The wall looked damp, dark, and depressing. _Very fitting,_ I found myself thinking rather morbidly. I made myself stand tall, spine erect. I was a Muggleborn and proud of it. And I was better at magic than half the pure-bloods in there.

_“Purus,”�_ I said in a calm voice. ‘Purus’ hadn’t been my idea, but that’s what you get for giving the Slytherin prefects too much freedom. 

The wall opened, and I noticed that most Slytherins weren’t awake early in the morning. The eerie green glow in the room showed no inhabitants, save the few that were dozing in uncomfortable looking chairs. I walked in easily, with no one to even question why I was there. 

I went down the boys corridor–they didn’t have a staircase–and kept walking until I found the brass _Seventh Years_ plaque. I briefly wondered if one of the other boys in the room would object to me bursting into their dorm but I dismissed the thought easily.

“Severus!”� I yelled at the top of my voice the moment I was inside. Snape got up quickly, his black eye meeting mine. “You know.”�

Snape looked at me blankly, rubbing the grit out of his eyes.

“Lily?”� he asked, squinting a little. “W-why are you here?”�

The other boys in the dorm–Derek Jones included–looked at me in surprise as well.

“You know why I’m here,”� I told him bluntly. “I’m here because you know where Voldemort took the missing students!”�

Snape’s eye turned cold. “You’re here for _him.”�_

“I’m shocked you had the guts to come in here, Evans,”� Jones sneered. “I’m even more shocked that you would speak the Dark Lord’s name, you being a Mudblood and all.”�

“Don’t call her that,”� snapped Snape. “Lily, I honestly have no clue where they are. But I’m sure that whatever’s happening to Potter right now, he deserved it. A thousand times over--!”�

“Shut up, you horrible boy!”� My hand was twitching toward my wand, but I was fully aware of the four Slytherins pointing their wands at me. I’d be cursed before my hand made it to my pocket. Snape glared at me. 

“You know how awful he is, Lily! That’s why you can’t love him!”�

“What did you say?”� I demanded in a whisper.

“I-I heard around the school that that’s why you broke up with him–”�

“Liar,”� I interrupted him for a second time. Snape signaled for his ‘friends’ to leave him and they obeyed, smirking at me as they left. I turned to Snape, my face blank of emotion.

“I know for a fact that I only told three people why I ended things with James. These three people wouldn’t tell a soul. So how did you find out?”�

“I-well…it’s not hard to guess.”�

“Stop lying, I want the truth! How did you know?”� Snape looked me in the eye, expecting that I’d break eye contact after a while, intimidated. But he knew me–or _had_ known me–too well to expect that for long. 

He looked at the ground as he spoke. “I was following you,”� he mumbled. My mouth opened in shock.

“You were spying on us?”�

“No! I heard the girl yell from Dumbledore’s office–everyone did. They sent me to make sure everything was alright, and I saw you and _Potter_ ,”� he spate the name, “arguing about something. I just wanted to know.”�

“Who’s they?”� My voice was surprisingly calm, despite the sadness in my heart. So they’d gotten to Severus after all. I’d suspected, but there had never been an proof…until now.

“No one,”� Snape tried to assure me, but it was too late. 

“So you _do_ work for them! I knew it. When I saw you with Jones the day of the attack, I should’ve realized!”�

“Lily–”�

“You can make it right by telling me,”� I said, playing the only card I had. I was so desperate. Now that I had something I could use to help all those kids, I had to use it. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t. “You can fix it by telling me where they are.”�

“I can’t.”� His voice wasn’t strong–I was winning, easily.

“Please,”� I begged, not ashamed in the least. I needed them back. Every last one of them. “Please, please….”�

*~~*

Three hours later, I sat on my bed in my dorm, the curtains drawn, and my legs pulled up against my chest with my arms wrapped around them. My lip was bleeding in several places–I would have to see Madam Pomfrey after all this. I’d moved on to my fingernails. My lip just wasn’t doing it. 

My friends knew me well enough not to try and speak to me. They also knew that I’d be insufferable at that moment, completely mad with worry over what might or might not be going on near some hidden cavern on the outskirts of Hogsmead. Someplace that nobody but Voldemort had heard of, or even thought of. 

My nails began to bleed from the crazy, almost ravenous, way I was gnawing at them. They hurt, but I didn’t notice. My mind was focused on two things: Would they find them and would _he_ know who told Dumbledore.

**A/N: This one is kind of short, but I loaded a lot of information on everybody. I didn't want your brains to explode. I care :) I'm so sorry it took so long. There are only three more chapters, with the third and last chapter being an epilogue.**

**Leave a review, they make me so happy!**


	28. Chapter Twenty-Eight

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Twenty-Eight_

_Cause I was born to tell you I love you_  
and I am torn to do what I have to,  
to make you mine.  
Stay with me tonight __

And I'm tired of being all alone,  
and this solitary moment  
makes me want to come back home.

Secondhand Serenade, Your Call

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I couldn’t stay in my room for long, not with the energy once again buzzing through me. I couldn't run, though, since I needed to bite my fingernails to bloody stubs. I began wandering the corridors. I passed people, and they looked at me with a mix of pity and relief. Pity because I was bound to be a target for the rest of my life. Relief that they hadn’t told Dumbledore where to find the missing students _because_ I would be a target. Pity, also, because I knew some of the people missing, and they could very well be dead.

My feet, eventually, dragged me to the Library. I could remember James telling me that he and Sirius had been ‘curious’ as to how to conjure the Patronus Charm, and had gone to the Library to learn. I had two months until graduation, when I would be entering the real world.

I’d chosen a side unknowingly when I’d been born to muggles, but grown up to be a witch. I had no options as to what side I was on. I was on the side of Dumbledore, the side of _good._ But I had a choice as to whether I would fight in the war. 

Even as I thought about it, I knew that my mind had been made up the moment Severus admitted he was with _them,_ the moment I’d heard the James was gone, the moment I’d read of the first killing of a muggle. Now, how could I _not_ fight? All the things that were happening couldn’t be ignored. I would hate myself for the rest of my life if I didn’t help. 

Not to mention, James would help once he got out. I couldn’t let him do it alone, could I? I wasn’t exactly going to let him out of my sight after this, if he came back. _When,_ I corrected myself. _When he came back._

I stood outside the Library doors, debating. Would Madam Orsay let me practice? She’d let James and Sirius, but they were charming and suave. She’d probably take it the wrong way if I tried flirting. I decided to take my chances, knowing that without this spell, my chances of living in two months would be in the negatives.

As I walked into my favorite place in Hogwarts, people stared. They whispered. A group of Slytherins glared. I lifted my chin and walked past them. Soon, I found a small, secluded corner behind rows of shelves. I set myself up there, silently casting a Silencing Charm around the place to ensure privacy.

I gripped my wand tightly, trying to remember the spell Professor Rosker had taught me months before, and the suggestions that James had given me in the few classes we’d had together.

Professor Rosker had moved on from the Patronus Charm. He’d decided that it was time to teach us about ‘something more practical that would most defiantly appear on our N.E.W.T’s’ such as a practical defense charm. 

_“Expecto Patronum!”_ I said, trying to sound strong and confident. A small, white light emerged from the tip of my wand for a few seconds. I thought of the amazing stag that James conjured. I could hear him in my ear, _“You can’t just point and hope it happens, Lils. Use a stronger memory! Happier!”_

“I know,” I told the voice in my head, biting a stub. “But the happiest memory I have is my sixth birthday.”

_“What about a memory of us?”_

“Those hurt, James. They’re not happy.”

Somehow, my mind drudged up the memory of James kissing my lips, my neck, my collarbone. I felt a small elation. I tried again.

_“Expecto Patronum!”_ I said, flicking my wand a little for emphasis. The light glowed brighter, more solid. It was working.

I worked for two hours in my corner. Someone must’ve noticed, but they were either too embarrassed to say anything, or too scared. Apparently, according to Paige, the whole school believed I was ‘unstable’ from my outburst at breakfast. The sight of me in a corner, talking to myself, with a wand couldn’t inspire confidence.

I dragged myself out of the Library eventually, skipped lunch, and went back to my dormitory. It was a Saturday. There were no classes. In my bed, with the curtains closed, and only my wand light to read by, I studied. My school books were strewn in front of me as I scribbled on index cards that were charmed to color-code my notes by class. Green was Herbology, naturally; Red was Defense Against the Dark Arts, and was the largest; Pink was Charms; Blue was Transfiguration, and so on. 

Ink covered my hands, but I continued to bite. My left hand was the worst because I needed my right to write my notes. I wrote the lesson dates on top. I felt neurotic. 

As I nibbled away on my own fingers, I started to feel hungry. Really hungry. I hadn’t eaten breakfast or lunch. I peeked out of my bed-hangings to see that it was getting dark. Dinner would be soon, but did I really want to go down there? 

James had shown me where the Kitchens were. If I got unbearably hungry, I’d beg some food off of the house-elves. Bobbly, or Bimsy, or whatever the hell their names were. 

I started my History of Magic notes—white and boring, just like the class. The Giant Wars were going to be a big essay topic, perhaps the Great Goblin Revolution. I spent the most time on those. 

I had to keep using Healing Charms on my fingers to stop them from bleeding all over my notes. I should’ve passed out from all the blood, but my mind was elsewhere. It would make Healer training easier, I reasoned, if I wasn’t frightened of blood anymore.

I went back to the Library when I heard Paige and Celina leave for dinner. Madam Orsay didn’t say anything. She left me to my own devices. I was starting to really like her. 

I went to my corner, and was about to start practicing again, when I heard someone behind the shelves.

“Who’s there?” I demanded, my voice cracking. A Slytherin, come to corner me…

“It’s just me.” Snape stepped out from behind the books. Well, he was a Slytherin. 

“What do you want?” I was being impatient with him, even though he’d possibly saved my friend’s lives.

“I want to know why you want him back.”

“What? What kind of stupid question is that?”

“The Lily I know wouldn’t be falling apart over some boy. She’d be getting on with life, accepting that he wasn’t going to come back to her just because he’d been found. You _know_ how Potter is, Lily. He’ll just act like the bastard he is and walk right past you when he comes back.”

“Shut up.”

“So why do you _want_ him back, Lily? He won’t take you back.”

“I want him back because I love him, Severus. Something you wouldn’t understand.” I’d said it. A weight off my chest. I’d said it, I’d said it. I’d wanted to say it since I’d heard the screams in Hogsmead. 

“You want him back because you’re weak!” he yelled. I narrowed my eyes. James would’ve known to stop there. He knew me so well. Severus hadn’t really spoken with me in a long time. He didn’t know.

“You’ve fallen for him, just like you promised me you never would! You promised, Lily! Does a promise mean nothing to you? Can you just blow it off like you did Potter? I hope he doesn’t come back! Then you’ll realize how much better off you are without him!”

“GET OUT! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!” I pointed my wand into his face. His eyes were daring me to curse him. I wasn’t sure if I would or wouldn’t. I didn’t know what I wouldn’t do, just then.

“Miss Evans, Mr. Snape,” Madam Orsay came to make sure I wasn’t committing murder in my current unbalanced state. “I would greatly appreciate it if the next time you have a shouting match, you would do it _outside_ of my library!”

“Sorry,” we said together. She walked away.

He’d helped me. He’d helped me find James. So why was he asking this now? Was it because James was so close to coming back? Did Severus hate him so much that’s he was trying to take me away from James? I didn’t care, I just wanted him out of my sight.

“Why don’t you go discuss the next murder with your _other_ friends,” I spat. “I’m sure they won’t mind a little chat with you.”

Why was I being so mean? I felt like I’d snapped, right in two. Snape sneered, his lower lip curling. It was a look he’d reserved for James until now. He’d never given it to me. But I wasn’t the Lily he knew anymore. I was stronger, I knew where my loyalties lay. 

And he wasn’t Sev anymore. He was Snape, a boy who had become so filled with hate, he’d let it consume him, and take him the wrong way. I’d never once given up on someone I cared about, but Snape was too far gone. I wasn’t his Lily anymore.

I was James’s Lily. I would fight in this war. I would help us win.

Snape turned on his heel. It hurt me to watch him go like that. I’d always have a soft spot in my heart for my childhood friend, but this man walking away from me wasn’t him. If he was, if there was even an ounce of Sev left in that body, I would yell at him to come back. 

*~~*

I waited. I waited for three more hours after everyone had gone to sleep. I sat perfectly still in my bed, anticipating the rush of movement that would signal what I was waiting for. The whole school would go down to see them, I was sure.

Suddenly, I heard voices. I ripped open the hangings and ran to the Common Room in my camisole and sleeping shorts, bare feet and all. The voices were drifting up from the Entrance Hall. My heart beat wildly. They’d returned. 

Everyone else in Gryffindor Tower heard it, too. They came rushing down in their nightclothes, looking like me. They all blew by me. I wasn’t sure if I could move my limbs.

A great noise from downstairs made me move.

I ran down to the Great Hall, frightened of whatever I would see there. A dead body? Some gravely wounded citizen? I shuddered.

I saw Remus and Maya, being passed around to everyone. I saw Carl embracing his little brother, Nemea kissing her boyfriend. Amanda and her sister hugging and crying. Theia and Darren telling an animated story. Bill and Andrew giving each other a man-hug. 

James stood there amidst a throng of people congratulating him, hugging him. Once again sprinting, I pushed through all the people desperately, trying to get to him. He saw me and pushed people away from him to make it easier.

Suddenly I stopped. There was a clearing between us now, people had stopped talking and cheering; it was almost like it was just us. One boy, one girl, immensely and irrevocably in love. My heart thudded at his smile, I could hear it in my ears and I was sure everyone else could hear it as well. My body had frozen because I was so amazed. He looked fine, excepting a long scar along his left forearm. His T-shirt seemed relatively clean, though it was slightly ripped. His jeans still hugged his body, making my heart pound harder, if that was even possible. I regained the use of my body quickly.

This was my move, the first step. He’d spent years making the first move, and now it was all on me. I could take the risk, the leap of faith, and hope it would all turn out alright. Or I could hug him, congratulate him like everyone else, and never know what could’ve been between us. I could push back all the intense feelings I had. But it almost seemed like I’d made my choice from the beginning. 

I ran to him, leaping into the air and locking my arms around his neck. His strong arms caught me, holding me at my waist while my legs wrapped around his torso. Then our lips were crashing, melding, moving as one. I clung to him, pressing us closer together. There was no one else there, just the two of us in love, kissing like we would never ever break apart. I didn’t need air anymore, just him. Just James Potter, my boyfriend, the one I’d never let go of. No one could make me move from my present state, and I didn’t think James would even try. Our reunion was blissful, purely wonderful. I clung to him for a full ten minutes, taking only a few air breaks. I think his arms got tired of holding me though, and he eventually lowered me slowly to the ground. I let him, breaking our kiss, though I was still clutching his neck with an iron-like grip. 

He hugged me closer, kissing my hair over and over again, holding me. 

“I love you,” I told him, sure that the words I said were real and true. I couldn’t deny it any more.

“I love you, too, Lils,” he whispered. It felt so good to hear him say it, just to hear him speak. 

**A/N:Two more...** ****

I have some other story idea running madly around my head (all of them multi-chaptered) but it doesn't look like I'll write another Lily/James for a while. Maybe I'll fix _The Last Enemy_.

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Give me your thoughts in a review!!! 

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	29. Chapter Twenty-Nine

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Twenty-Nine_

_Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you_  
Over again  
Don’t make me change my mind  
Or I won’t live to see another day  
I swear it’s true  
Because a girl like you is impossible to find  
You’re impossible to find. 

Secondhand Serenade, Fall For You

________________________________________________________________________

There was so much happiness in the castle the next morning, it was nearly impossible. It was a Sunday, so there was no need to worry about classes, and there was nothing to distract students from bombarding the survivors of the attack with questions. 

James didn’t want the questions. He wanted to hang out with the other Marauders. He wanted to catch up on homework. He wanted to be with me. He wanted to play Quidditch. 

“What was it like?” asked more than half the female population at Hogwarts. “Were you scared? Oh my God, did they come after you?”

Every time anybody asked him anything, James would groan, and bury his face in my shoulder. I’d yell at the people to leave, and they’d all scatter, only to be replaced by a fresh group of horny teenage girls. It seemed that James’s experience had made people forget about me. Not to mention, he now had a sexy scar on his toned arm that made him almost irresistible—I’d know. 

In truth, James didn’t even talk to _me_ about what happened. Remus didn’t say anything about it, either. The other students didn’t say anything. It was like they’d all made a pact to keep the rest of us in the dark.

Not that I could blame them. Once they told their story, people would treat them differently. Without any knowledge of what had occurred, everyone spoke freely. They mentioned Voldemort, Death Eaters, murders, everything they’d discussed before. 

A part of me was scared that James didn’t _want_ to talk with me about it. I felt like I’d lost his trust. Or maybe he felt like I wouldn’t understand it. He had Remus, after all, to talk to. Paige told me I had to give him time to ‘adjust’. That when he was ready, he’d tell me. I had to accept it.

“I missed this,” James said as we walked out to the pitch, our hands entwined. I didn’t think a bulldozer could tear us apart. I’d spent the better part of the morning in the Common Room with him, trying to help him study, and then when people wouldn’t leave us alone, we retreated to his dormitory. When I caught him looking out the window longingly, I suggested that we round up our friends for a Quidditch game—I would ref.

Celina and Sirius were both behaving, thankfully. Paige had brought Josh. Remus had asked Amanda Bouchard to tag along. Apparently, they’d grown quite close in their months of confinement. Peter brought Rachel Thaddit, though we weren’t pleased about it. She’d kept ogling James, and it bothered me. 

Celina played goalkeeper, James was Chaser, Paige was Beater—and she was quite good, what with her violent tendencies, this seemed like a good outlet for her. The other team had Remus as goalkeeper, Josh as Chaser, and Sirius as goalkeeper. They were pretty evenly challenged, as James and Sirius were very talented players, Remus was decent, and Josh and Celina were…not. 

Every time James flew past me, he’d wink. I’d give him an exasperated look and roll my eyes. He’d laugh. It was just like old times. 

Peter and Rachel sat in the stands, snogging, with Amanda sitting next to them looking awkward. Remus and Paige had an argument about a ‘rogue Bludger’ and it was decided that it was actually all Sirius’s fault for letting the Bludger anywhere near his side of the field. 

“Well it’s not _my_ fault!”

“It never is.”

“Moony, Celina charmed me with her Veela-ness! ”

“Where’s your proof, Black?” Celina demanded as everyone touched down on the ground. She strode toward him, her hands on her hips. “I don’t think anyone here even believes that I’m a Veela, anyway.”

“Celina, dearest Celina,” Sirius shook his head arrogantly, as if Celina had missed something obvious. “The proof is in my pants.”

Celina’s eyes narrowed. Her hands left her hips and balled into tiny fists of rage by her side. 

“I would look, Black, but there’s so little in there...”

Sirius, surprisingly, didn’t seem horribly offended, which made Celina even angrier. “Well, I can guarantee that there is _quite_ a lot in there, as I’m sure you know, _Smith_.”

“Other girls have seen it, too. Now, would you like me to remove whatever _is_ in there, _Black?_ ”

Remus, James, Josh, and Paige stayed quiet the entire time, their heads moving in a comical way, following the conversation like a tennis match. I was the only one with the guts to say what we _all_ wanted to say.

“Merlin’s saggy left ball sack!” I screamed at them. James and Remus laughed at my terminology, Josh and Amanda looked shocked, and Paige just smiled. “If one of you doesn’t grow a pair and snog the other senseless, I swear, I’ll go mad!”

Sirius and Celina looked at me for a moment, glaring. However, when they looked back at each other, their faces softened. Something glimmered in Celina’s perfect eyes, while Sirius developed a roguish gleam in his own. 

It was amazing. One moment they were ready to murder each other, the next; they were on top of each other. 

I began to feel very uncomfortable, even though I’d been the one to suggest it. James saw me and chuckled.

“Doesn’t that bother you at all?”

“Nah, I’m used to Sirius jumping on every pretty girl he comes in contact with. It’s as natural as breathing.” He wrapped his arm around my waist, indicated to everyone else that the game was over, and led me away. Remus and Amanda followed, holding hands and speaking in whispers. Peter and Rachel hadn’t noticed a thing, and continued to snog in the bleachers. Josh had Paige on his back, giving her a piggy-back-ride up to the school. 

“I wonder if anything will come of it,” I thought aloud. “I mean, he _did_ cheat on her.”

“I don’t think Padfoot will be too keen to screw things up a second time. He was pretty upset the first time.”

“ _He_ was upset? Celina was devastated! He’d better not ruin things again!”

When we were back inside, Remus and Amanda went off to the Library, and Paige and Josh left us for a deserted broom cupboard. I brought James to the Hospital Wing to visit with Tiff.

Thankfully, since the last time I’d visited, Emmeline Vance and Mary MacDonald had woken up. Alice and Emmeline—Frank had to return to work—sat together, talking animatedly about the upcoming exams. Mary had been released that morning.

Tiff had made no progress. Her glassy eyes continued to stare at the ceiling, as if she’d never showed any emotion at all. It was like she’d never cried. 

“Tiff?” I asked tentatively. No response.

“What’s wrong with her? Why isn’t she talking?”

“Madam Pomfrey thinks that while she was hauling me back to the castle, she witnessed something that made her retreat back into her mind.”

“Like a trauma?”

“Yeah.”

I looked at her for a while, thinking about our conversation. “She cried once.”

“What?”

“I came to talk to her one night, and I started talking about Angela and what might’ve happened, and she started crying.”

“Where’s Angela, anyway?” I kept my eyes locked with Tiff’s. She was blinking again. 

“Dead.” My voice was toneless. I heard James shift his weight and put his arms around me. I saw Tiff’s eyes fill with water once more. I slapped James’s arm. “James, look!”

“What?” he repeated, looking confused until he looked at Tiff. Her tears rolling down her cheeks, spilling onto the pillow. “She’s crying again…”

“It’s got something to do with Angela,” I said, thinking wildly. Did Tiff miss her that much? Had she seen…?

I groaned. James turned to me franticly, worried.

“She saw Angela—” My voice broke. I had to clear my throat before I continued. “She saw Angela die. That’s the trauma. Tiff witnessed her best friend’s murder.”

James held me as I cried for Angela and Tiff. I cried for a long time in that wooden chair, and he rocked me back and forth in his arms, waiting patiently. I’d never loved him more in my life. Madam Pomfrey came over after a while, asking why I was sobbing. James explained it all to her, and she went to find Dumbledore. Before she left, James asked if they could help Tiff now that they knew the problem.

“I’m afraid,” she replied, “that there’s nothing we can offer her here. Most likely, she’ll be transferred to St. Mungo’s and put in the mental illness ward. Perhaps, with time and counseling, she’ll recover. That’s all I can tell you.”

“Thanks, Poppy.”

“Mr. Potter, I don’t believe you were checked for injuries the night you returned.” Madam Pomfrey gave him a ‘look’. James winced. 

“I was a little, er, busy that night, Poppy. There’s nothing wrong with me, really.” Madam Pomfrey cast a glance in my direction, and nodded. As soon as she left, I buried my face in James’s shirt. He held me and smoothed my hair, whispering comforting words into my ear. 

Eventually, I regained my cool, kissed Tiff’s cheek in goodbye, and we left. 

When we reached Gryffindor Tower, the common room was crowded with people, all demanding the full story of how Celina Smith and Sirius Black rekindled their romance. It was a shocker, because it was a well known fact that Celina had loathed Sirius. I felt like I was experiencing James and my ‘outing’ all over again.

James left my side briefly to give Celina a bone crushing hug, while I pulled Sirius aside.

“Look, Lily, I—”

“I honestly don’t care what you’ve got to say, Sirius. I want you to know one thing: That girl is one of the two best friends I have left—you break her heart, I break your face. Am I clear?”

Sirius grinned wolfishly. “Crystal.” I started to walk back to James and Celina, but Sirius called me back. 

“Lils!”

“What?”

“I really do care about her. More than anyone on the face of the planet—excluding Prongs.”

I nodded. “I hope so.”

I returned to James, gave Celina a rather big hug, and sat on the couch. James sat next to me, his arm curved around my waist, my head on his shoulder. We sat and stared at the fire, saying few words, thinking. 

People began to disperse, heading for dinner. James nudged me after everyone had left.

“You wanna go to dinner?”

“Nah. I like just sitting here.” I let silence fill the room for a few minutes, but I had to ask. “James, why did you do it?”

He knew what I was talking about. “I told you Lils, I can’t just stand there, waiting for someone else to help people. I’ve got to do it myself.”

“So you’re noble?”

“I guess so.”

I held my hands in front of James.

“Look,” I told him. The firelight made the bloody stumps I called nails look worse. He made a face. 

“Lils,” he said, shocked and a little repulsed. “What in the world did you do to your fingernails?”

“I chewed them off!” I exclaimed. “Worrying over your noble arse!”

“I apologize. But why didn’t you just bite your lip?”

“The prat I had a date with told me I’d get cancer…and I bit my lips ‘till they bled.”

“Ooo. So not only will you have cancer, but your lips were a bloody mess—literally. I’m so sorry, I know you don’t like blood.”

“Yes! And it was in my mouth! All for you, dear.”

“It’s much appreciated, love.” James took my hands in his own and brought them to his lips, kissing them.

“Better?”

“Much.”

“My noble arse and I are thrilled we could help.” I kissed him. We were interrupted by Peter and Rachel stumbling in.

“Wormtail!” James yelled, very angry at the interruption. “What the bloody hell to you think you’re doing?”

“Peter, this is the _Gryffindor_ Common Room,” I said disapprovingly. I hadn’t really done my duty as Head Girl in weeks. “You can’t bring a Ravenclaw in here, no matter how good she is at snogging. Detention for both of you.”

“What?” Peter and Rachel demanded in unison. James nodded.

“Report to McGonagall’s this Saturday at noon.” Peter glared at his friend, while James just grinned his crooked smile. Through everything that had happened to him, he could still smile. Despite the death of my friend, and the loss of Tiff, I could still laugh at the look on Peter’s face when Rachel slapped him for getting her into trouble. 

With all the horrible things that had happened during the year, life went on. We all smiled, laughed, joked, argued, and cried in the last month that we were in Hogwarts. James and Remus worked desperately with me to catch up, and by the time the N.E.W.T’s rolled around, they felt that they’d score high enough to make Magical Maintenance. 

“Evans, Lily!” A jolt went through me when I heard my name called for the Defense Against the Dark Arts N.E.W.T practical exam. I felt like I was going to puke, until I heard James, Remus, Peter, Celina, and Paige cheering me. I gave them a small smile and walked into the room. 

“Miss Evans,” said the instructor, sticking out a hand for me to shake without looking up from her clipboard. I felt like I was looking at Paige in twenty years. “Pleasure to meet you. Shall we begin?”

The exam went pretty well, all things considered. I was able to perform a simple Boggart Repelling Charm without difficulty, and the advanced Shield Charm was quite simple. I struggled a little when I had to hex an object without speaking, but I managed to pull through.

“Very well done, Miss Evans,” the woman said, nodding approvingly and scratching on her clipboard. “Now, I’d like you to try the Patronus Charm.”

My heart dropped out my butt. The Patronus Charm?

“Professor Rosker said that it wouldn’t be on the exam,” I said, feeling apprehensive. 

“Yes, but we’ve decided that due to recent, er, accidents, it would be best if the future generation was prepared for it.” She looked at me appraisingly. “The Patronus Charm, please, Miss Evans.”

I smiled grimly. What happy memory could I use? My sixth birthday wasn’t cutting it, the first time James and I had kissed hadn’t given me the _full_ Patronus. That got me thinking.

I concentrated on James’s return. I tried to recreate the way he’d held me in my mind, how it had felt, how my heart had raced at his touch. The elation when our lips touched….

_“Expecto Patronum!”_

A silvery doe jumped out of my wand. She danced gracefully around the room, then stopped in front of me. She had warm, gentle eyes. I felt safe as I stared at her. The doe pranced around the room a few times, and then she dissolved. I felt immensely proud as the examiner applauded me. 

_“Very_ well done, Miss Evans,” she repeated, though with more sincerity than the previous time. “That was quite powerful.”

“Thank you,” I gushed, though my mind was elsewhere. James’s Animagus form was a stag, my Patronus was a doe. It felt like a missing piece was filled. 

I left through another door, and found Sirius waiting outside. 

“Ugh, they’re only on ‘E’?” He paced, anxiously waiting for Celina. “Why was she cursed with that damn last name? Why?”

I laughed. “How’d you do?”

Sirius stopped pacing. “Me? I did excellent, of course. I’m surprised you had to ask. I just have a natural talent for, well, everything. What about you?”

“Although I’m not born into excellence—”

“We can’t all be.”

“—I did very well.” Sirius hoorayed for me, pulled me into a hug, then returned to pacing. I smiled and left, hoping Celina wasn’t making a second mistake.

*~~*

Our group felt confident, though Peter and Josh insisted they’d failed the History of Magic exam, and Celina cursed Arithmancy under her breath.

We visited Tiff the day before she was moved. It was hard to cram us all around her bed, but we managed. Amanda, Rachel, and Josh decided that it wasn’t their place, and stayed behind.

“Hey, Tiff,” Celina whispered, tears glistening in her eyes. Sirius put his arm around her. “We-we just wanted to say goodbye. The train is leaving tomorrow morning.”

“And, well, I guess you are, too,” Peter said awkwardly, without thinking. Celina burst into tears, while Sirius shot Peter a glare from behind Celina. Peter shrugged apologetically.

“We wanted to let you know that we’ll all visit you in St. Mungo’s,” Paige told her, taking Tiff’s hand. 

“And that we love you, so much.” I choked out my words, while James held me. He locked eyes with Tiff.

“You’re such a wonderful person,” he said, his tone even. “We know that you’ll pull through this.”

“We’ll all be there for you, Tiff,” Remus said. “Every step of the way.”

“Oh, and I’m really sorry about the time I asked you out in front of Sabrina Kiss!” Sirius added quickly, earning a watery chuckled from Celina. He squeezed her shoulders. 

“We love you,” I told Tiff again, and for a moment, I swear I saw her eyes flicker to me. It ended so fast, I was sure I’d hallucinated, until James whispered,

“She heard you.” 

“I hope so.” We left quickly, not wanting to spend too much time with Tiff. It only made us miss her more—the real her, not this shell. James and I held hands down the hallway, talking about the exams as a distraction. It was difficult to pretend like nothing was wrong, but James seemed to have become a professional.

“James,” I said quietly once the others had left for dinner. “Are you ever going to talk about what happened? Nobody else is.”

“When the time’s right, love.” James’s face darkened a little. “I just can’t talk about it now.”

“But you must’ve found a way to let Remus out of…wherever you were, or he’d have killed or bitten all of you.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“So if you found a way, why didn’t you just—?”

“I’m really hungry, Lils. Can we talk about this in, oh, three years?”

I gave in grudgingly. “Sure,” I mumbled. James laughed and pulled something from his cloak.

“You’ll need this at dinner,” he said, handing it to me. It was a yellow rain hate. 

“What?”

“I was going to wear it myself, but I’ve decided that your needs are greater than my own. And I know you’ll get horribly upset with me if your hair is ruined.”

“My hair? What’s going to ruin my hair?”

“Enough questions, my over-inquisitive flower. Let’s just enjoy our last Hogwarts feast!”

The thought saddened me, and kept me quiet. Whatever the Marauders were planning, it was too late for me to stop it. As soon as we entered the Great Hall, I saw little yellow rain hats on the three Marauders already seated. I started laughing at the sight of them.

Celina and Paige were looking at them with mild confusion, Josh’s arm over Paige’s shoulders. As James and I got closer, I could hear them both.

“What the devil have you go on your heads?” Celina, a pure-blood, asked them. Wizards had no need for rain hats when they could just place an Impervious Charm on their belongings (including their heads). Peter or Remus must’ve suggested the hats for humor.

“Honestly, what are you planning?” Paige demanded. Remus, Sirius, and Peter simply grinned impishly. No one was getting anything out of them.

“Prongs, really?” Peter asked, eyeing my hat. “You haven’t told her, have you?”

“No, no. I just didn’t want to ruin her pretty hair.”

“And nobody’s thought of _our_ hair?” Celina asked shrilly. Sirius laughed and gave her his hat. 

“So, Remus,” Catalina Lemark asked loudly, leaning toward Remus. Amanda, sitting at Ravenclaw table, didn’t look pleased. “Are the Marauder’s going to pull an infamous prank for the end of the year?”

“Perhaps,” Remus said mysteriously. Catalina and her blonde friend looked worried.

Professor Dumbledore stood up from his chair at the High Table, raising his hands and calling for silence. As soon as it was quiet, he began his end-of-the-year speech.

“And so, another year has gone. Though in some ways, it has not been the best,” Dumbledore’s twinkling blue eyes swept over every table, making eye-contact with everyone who had been affected, “I know that we have all managed to make it an extraordinary year. I’d like to thank you all for that, and remind you that even in these dark, dark times, we must all have hope for the brightest future possible.

“I wish our Seventh Years the best of luck. They will all be missed. I would also like to thank our Head Boy and Girl for their work this year. Students, please consider this last feast as a gift from Hogwarts for all of your hard work!”

The food appeared—always a pleasure—and the Marauders plus Josh were like ravenous animals. Paige looked slightly disgusted with her boyfriend has he piled slices and slices of ham onto his plate.

“Can you believe this is our last feast?” Paige asked everyone. We nodded solemnly.

“I feel like I’m still an ickle First Year,” Remus said with a sigh. “Full of bright hopes for the future. My parents haven’t sent me Howler after Howler for getting so many detentions.”

“Ah,” Peter said wistfully. “Those were the days.”

“I’ll miss this place so much,” I said, almost tearing up before James and Sirius started naming all of their pranks. Remus and Peter joined in, eventually. 

I ate my salad, laughing with everyone else as we replayed the best moments of the year…and the worst.

“You remember how much you hated Prongs, Lils?” Remus asked me. I groaned.

“James, I was awful in the beginning.” James nodded, making his eyes puppy-like behind the glasses. I pointed my fork at him accusingly. “But you’ve been awful since First Year!”

“Speaking of which,” Peter said, glancing at his watch, “I think it’d be best if all of you either ducked underneath the table, or ran away quickly.” Everyone stared at Peter. We’d forgotten the prank completely.

Paige and Josh opted for going underneath the table, while James and Sirius—the other two without hats—simply sat and laughed. The people around us were looking on apprehensively.

Suddenly, ghosts started coming through the floors, ceiling, and walls. Girls were screaming as ghost after ghost dropped water balloons on their heads. 

“Merlin’s pants, my hair!”

“Oh God, my makeup is running!”

“I look like a raccoon!”

“Do you know how long it took me to get this look?”

“ _This_ is your fabulous end-of-the-year prank?” Celina asked them. The hat protected her own beautiful locks. “Really, you couldn’t come up with anything better?”

“This seemed like more fun!” Sirius protested, injured by her lack of awe. “And it was easier than everything else. We’re quite lazy.”

Girls continued to scream, while the boys started trying to catch the balloons and hurl them at each other. The game caught on, and the balloons were soon being used as weapons. Students were throwing them everywhere, and I didn’t try to stop them. I probably should’ve, because one hit Professor McGonagall in the face.

The Hall went dead silent. Everyone froze and watched as McGonagall sputtered and wiped the water from her eyes. 

“Who threw this?” she demanded in her harshest voice. Everyone started pointing fingers, but it was the Marauders McGonagall’s eyes settled on.

“You four started this entire thing.” It wasn’t a question. Celina and I took off our hats, not wanting to be blamed. The ghosts had stopped throwing balloons anyway. 

Shockingly, McGonagall’s face broke into a smile as she transfigured her water goblet into a water balloon.

With a splash, the balloon flew the mile to hit Sirius Black in the face.

The entire Hall broke out in laughter. Sirius’s expression was so stunned, I cracked up. I just couldn’t stop laughing. Celina was rolling on the ground, James had tears coming out of his eyes, and Remus was clutching his sides. Peter just stared at Professor McGonagall in surprise.

“Well,” Professor Dumbledore said, laughing. “I think this is the best time to end this feast. The year has drawn to a close, and with the greatest of pleasure, I say: Good luck in the real world, Marauders!”

The Hall laughed. The Marauders grinned at one another. I took a mental picture. I wanted to remember them like that forever: laughing and best friends.

All four raised their wands to the sky, and red, gold, blue, silver, purple, bronze, green, and white sparks flew out at different intervals. The fireworks were amazing.

*~~*

James and I lay on his bed a few hours after our last fear at Hogwarts staring at the ceiling, running through memories in hushed voices. We laughed a lot, and groaned at the pure idiocy of some of the things that happened.

“You remember the time I asked you out at breakfast?”

“Which time?”

“The most memorable, of course!”

“Hint? They’re all so memorable.”

“Valentine’s Day. Fifth Year.”

“Oh, the time you charmed little paper hearts with my name on them to rain down from the ceiling when I walked through the doors of the Great Hall, and then shouted at the top of your voice that you had an undying love for my arousing freckled face? That’s impossible to forget.”

“Ah, yes. Lovely times.”

I turned to face him, my laughs coming out in short bursts.

“What’s your favorite thing about me?” I asked him, suddenly serious.

“Why, most definitely your bodacious bottom.”

“What?!”

“Or your perky front. Either one.”

“You arse!”

“Shush! You wouldn’t want to wake up Sirius and have _his_ input! He’d say much worse, love.”

“I’m trying to be serious, you great prat.”

“Honestly? Hm.” He thought for a few moments. “I really can’t think of any one thing I love most about you. It’s _everything_.” 

“What about those arousing freckles? Have they lost their charm?”

“Never! Don’t say such a thing!” I giggled. “But it’s _everything_ about you that makes me love you. There’s no one specific thing.”

“Liar,” I swatting his arm and turning away from him. 

“Take it back! What blasphemy! I do _not_ lie!”

“You can say my breasts, if you really think so. Or my bottom, as I’ve been told by many others that it is quite bodacious.”

“By whom?” James demanded. He pulled me back so that I faced him. We laughed quietly again. “In all seriousness, though, if I had to choose any _one thing_ about you, I’d say your eyes.”

“Really? You couldn’t come up with something more original?”

“No! Your eyes are the first things I saw on you… _then_ I noticed your particularly bodacious bottom—you know, most women would be thrilled about that—and I wrote a horrible poem about those eyes! That’s how beautiful they are.”

“I have my mother’s eyes,” I said suddenly. 

“Really?” James echoed. He tried not to sound curious, but his tone was much too nonchalant. 

“She died, you know. From cancer.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. I was thirteen.”

There was silence for five minutes. I counted in my head. I was waiting for him to say something. Anything.

“Death Eaters stabbed me in the arm. Then they dragged the knife along my forearm.”

“Oh, James.” He had been under the impression that I wanted him to tell me something in return. Or maybe he just felt like he could. No matter how horrible it was, I was glad he’d told me something. I touched the scar on his arm. “That must’ve been terrible.”

“Losing your mother at thirteen can’t have been too fun, either.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

We were quiet again, thinking. He’d shared something, I’d shared something. It was a lot like our old game of Truth or Dare.

“Thank you…for telling me.”

“Thank you, Lils. Truthfully, I’ve been wondering about your mother for months. All year, basically.” He laughed.

“I’m going to fight. In the war. I’ll join the resistance with you.”

“Good. We could use a brilliant witch like you.”

“And we can fight together.”

“Definitely! Unless you’re preggers with Zigfeld. You’ll be off duty, then.”

**A/N: Thanks for reading. It's a 4,800 word update, and there's just one more chapter!!! Review!!!**


	30. Chapter Thirty: The Epilogue

**As Long as You’re Mine**

_Chapter Thirty: Epilogue_

_Love of mine some day you will die_  
But I'll be close behind  
I'll follow you into the dark 

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white  
Just our hands clasped so tight  
Waiting for the hint of a spark  
If Heaven and Hell decide  
That they both are satisfied  
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you  
When your soul embarks  
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Death Cab for Cutie, I’ll Follow You Into the Dark

________________________________________________________________________

_That’s our story, Harry. I hope that someday you find this and read about our lives, if only to tell your own children. Oh, and dear, I apologize if I was a little too graphic at times, I got caught up in the moment._ __

Paige ended up in the Department of Mysteries working as an Unspeakable—her mother was just thrilled. She only ever used psychology on us. She married Josh a year out of Hogwarts. They’re expecting their first child. A girl, to be named Angela.

__

Celina and Sirius broke things off the August before she started Auror training. It was mutual, so I couldn't break Sirius's face. Shame. She’s currently going with an Austrian bloke named, unbelievably, Zigfeld. They’re “crazy in love” as her last letter said. I expect you’ll meet Zigfeld Jr. at Hogwarts if this goes on. He’s not even born yet, and he’s cursed. Well, at least he’ll be attractive.

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Sirius and James have no occupations (lazy lummoxes) other than to please the Order of the Phoenix, which suits them perfectly. I expect you know all about the Order by now, either because I’ve told you, or someone else has. Remus and Peter are also in the Order, but they do have rather more limited funds, and keep changing jobs. Remus is still seeing Amanda Bouchard, but Peter and Rachel called it quits a while ago. Thank Merlin, because I couldn’t stand seeing her at the Marauder Reunions every weekend. Oh, they weren’t kidding. It’s every, single weekend, and almost every night when they come for dinner.

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Tiff has made no recovery, despite the wonderful and attentive staff at St. Mungo’s—I would know, I’m one of them. If you get a sister, she will be Tiffany Petunia Potter. Imagine, Petunia as a middle name!

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Your father and I married on July 18, 1979. We honeymooned in Ireland—a very wet place, I wouldn’t suggest it. Celina was my maid of honor. No surprise, Sirius was the best man. The other Marauders were the rest of James’s groomsmen, naturally. Paige, Alice Longbottom, and Emmeline Vance filled the other bride’s maid’s places. 

_We’ve become quite close with the Longbottoms, actually. Alice is my closest friend at St. Mungo’s—we’re both Healers. She and Frank are in the Order with us, and Frank’s quite a talented Auror. Alice has also had a boy, Neville, and he was born on the exact day you were, but a few hours earlier. You’ll know him_ quite _well if we survive this._ __

But, assuming you’re reading this, and I’m not reading it to you, we haven’t survived. I want you to know how much we love you, and always will. You’re the best thing in our lives. Your father and I love each other almost _as much. Remember: You can’t plan matters of the heart. They just happen._

__almost

“Harry, how long have you been up here? It’s past midnight, and I want to celebrate the renovation of your parent’s house!”

“Gin, you’ll never believe what I’ve found.”

**Last A/N: Thank you all so much for your support. This is the end, after one year and 261 Word pages, it's finally done. My first story every completed on UR...or any place else, for that matter. I've worked until 1:11 a.m. to finish this for you. The least you could do is leave me a review!** ****

If you could just answer a few questions, I'd love you all forever!

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Who was your favorite OC?

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Who was your favorite Marauder?

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Who was your favorite couple?

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Finally:

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Did you enjoy the ending?

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THANK YOU!!! 

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